I’m not gonna lie, this has been a pretty dark winter for me. Our triad ended, I lost Jenna, which has felt like I lost my best friend, I actually did lose most of the rest of my friend group (by choice), my car got totaled, I woke up with the flu on New Year’s Day, and I’m even giving up drinking for a year, which we all know is one of my favorite things.
Then on Friday night, Rob broke up with me. It was such a long time coming that I had already braced for it and was 0% surprised or upset. I had actually been hoping he would do it so I didn’t have to. Our relationship has not been healthy for me for a long time. Watching him slowly lose feelings for me when mine have stayed the same has been pretty painful and I’m grateful to be put out of my misery. It’s not his fault. I’m sure it’s been hard for him too. We still love each other, but it’s not the same, so I’ve already been grieving this for a while.
He suggested we go a couple weeks without seeing each other and then see if we want to try hanging out platonically in the future, a decision he’s leaving up to me and how I’ll feel about it. And that was exactly the outcome I was hoping for - that he wouldn’t just disappear from my life overnight. We have too much history for that. I think he cried more than I did. I’ve already been crying about this, so it wasn’t as hard to hear him say the words as I thought it would be.
I said my piece, we snuggled and cried for a while, and before he left I asked if we could unfollow locations and maps right then together so I wouldn’t have to wonder when that was going to happen or wake up the next morning and see that he’d disappeared. Instead we did it ceremoniously and ripped off the bandaid all at once.
I did ask if we could have just one more date night. We shared so many beautiful firsts together that I thought it would be nice to have one last night to remember the good things. He said yes, that he’d try. It’s on Tuesday. I have no idea how that will go. It’s our last date, but it also feels like a first in that it could be very awkward.
I walked him out and after he left, I stopped at the foot of the stairs and checked in with myself to see how I was feeling. It was the strangest thing and I realized I’ve been feeling it a lot lately, but it feels like I’m in the eye of a storm. I feel calm and safe and way more okay than I thought I would feel with this much shit flying around me all at once.
I sure picked a helluva time to quit drinking, but in hindsight it’s obviously for the best. I know this grief is gonna hit me in waves at times and punch me in the gut, but I also know I’m going to be okay. I feel relief. This year can only get better from here.
I mean that genuinely. I have support. When I told Sean the news, they immediately offered to come over, which they did the following night. Genoa has been awesome. Jamie’s been checking in with me. Tony has been super supportive. Kris too. I’m okay. I guess if you want to cheer me up, book a wax, lol. It’s slow this time of year and I could use the company.