About a month ago I went to refill my prescriptions, and I hate how complicated this is, but I’ve been on the same meds for more than two years, so my psychiatrist referred me back to my GP for maintenance and I’ve never met that doctor before, so they needed an appointment before filling my prescriptions. Is this sounding familiar? This giant PITA? I was finally able to get them refilled and then when I went to the pharmacy, my Wellbutrin prescription had been filled double, and my Abilify was missing.
I’m not sure what the heck is going on, but I have never been this busy in January. I’ve had a waiting list for over 10 days. Normally my schedule in January is that I do a wax, go home and drink a cup of coffee, go back and do another wax, go home and sit in the hot tub for an hour, and go back to work. It’s never busy. So I was totally unprepared for this and it kind of just slipped my mind. I kept taking my Wellbutrin like a good girl, but the Abilify prescription never came through and I kept forgetting to call my doctor (the one I’ve never met) to resolve it.
So I’ve been off my Abilify for about a month now. At first, yes, there was a headache. But I was taking a very small dose and I felt better within a week.
Better is an understatement.
Yes, there’s a lot of other stuff going on in my life right now that could be lifting my mood. (Abilify is a mood stabilizer). Sean and I are going through a relationship renaissance, which I can only describe as the honeymoon phase, only you’ve had five more years to fall in love with each other that much more. It’s ridiculous and disgusting and so fucking deserved after everything we had both been through before meeting each other.
And we got to make this magical human together. So there’s so much joy. Which is intoxicating. (How is this my life?)
But since I went off that med, I started catching myself dancing randomly with the baby in the kitchen. After a year of stupid TV shows as constant background noise, I can’t stop listening to music. I try really hard to listen to my kids’ playlists because it makes me feel like I’m in touch and if anyone needs to stay young, it’s me. Also, not gonna lie, they both have impeccable taste. (Cough cough) Genoa recently sang all the way through Today is a Good Day followed immediately by Regulators because she learned them from her BROTHER’s most popular Spotify playlist (which has 1600 followers!).
I’m dancing again. I’m NOT a dancer. I just haven’t felt this much like myself in years. Ever since Covid, I felt like I was struggling to connect with my clients. Making conversation felt a little bit like work to me. Which is the strangest thing ever for an extrovert to feel. I just had nothing to say. I felt weirdly neutral, even when intellectually I didn’t feel that way. That feeling is gone. My personality feels like it’s been resurrected from the dead. I’m laughing more. Questioning myself less. Leaning in. I don’t think I’ve been even the slightest butch bitchy.
I’m pretty sure the Abilify was very helpful (and 100% safe) when I was pregnant. It evened me out when I might’ve otherwise been a hormonal nightmare. But I’m beginning to think I might not need it anymore. Of course, I could be headed for some kind of horrible crash that I can’t possibly anticipate. But I honestly haven’t felt this good in years.
For now, I’ll take it.
I recently found an old diary that I used to keep privately online almost 20 years ago. That Amanda was so fucking miserable. In every way. She deserved so much better, but she never could have imagined this Amanda’s reality. This much happiness was inconceivable to that poor girl. I wish I could just pat her on the head and tell her she has no idea how much better it’s going to get.