Mandajuice

YEAR END 2020

1. What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before?

The biggest thing was I went almost three months without working, which I don’t think I’ve done since maybe 1990? It was difficult and illuminating and I learned that way too much of my self-worth is tied to hard work and capitalistic achievement. It’s something I need to work on. 

 

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Nope, not last year. I am making a couple this year though: 

— Be supportive, not insecure. 

— Work on sitting with negative emotions instead of acting on them.

 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes! A bunch of clients and Alana!

 

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Only 340,000 Americans. 

 

5. What countries did you visit?

This one. 

 

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020?

PARTIES. CONCERTS. VACATIONS. DATES. 

 

7. What dates from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Probably Friday March 13th. It was my brother’s birthday and the last normal day of the year.

 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Staying afloat. 

 

9. What was your biggest failure?

The house went to shit because of my lack of emotional resources. 

 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nope. Lucky us. 

 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A counter top ice maker. 

 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Sean’s. What a trooper. The MOMENT the shop got shut down he went into savior mode and started working mass quantities of over time so we’d be okay. Among many other things. 

 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The President

 

14. Where did most of your money go?

Bills and groceries. So many groceries. 

 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The baby. 

 

16. What song will always remind you of 2020?

WAP

 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Sadder

b) thinner or fatter? Same, I think?
c) richer or poorer?  Poorer. But we’re doing ok. 

 

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Home maintenance, cleaning, organizing, making my space feel better. I feel like I’m not allowed to do anything fun until the house is in order. 

 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worrying about the mess. 

 

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Christmas started with snuggles and ended with three happy kids. 

 

21. Did you fall in love in 2020?

Yeah, I’d say I fell in love with Sean all over again this year. We were one of the lucky couples for whom quarantine really kicked up our romance. I don’t think we’ve been this physically connected since when we first met. Be still my heart!

 

22. What was your favorite tv show?

Schitt’s Creek. I’ve watched the whole thing twice and now I’m rewatching it with Sean. 

 

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

This question baffles me. I don’t hate anybody.

 

24. What was the best book you read?

What is this reading thing you speak of? I’m either with a baby, with a client, or it’s after 8 o’clock at night and I am too exhausted. I haven’t had any time to read this year and it breaks my heart.

 

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Megan Thee Stallion

 

26. What did you want and get?

A new president. 

 

27. What did you want and not get?

A sane national quarantine strategy that would’ve saved lives. 

 

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Hard to have a favorite when I haven’t been to a single movie all year. 

 

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

We ate well and drank champagne. At home.  I turned 44.

 

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

National leadership that actually cared about people dying. 

 

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020?

First official work uniform. Otherwise, three different sets of jammies, on repeat. No bra.

 

32. What kept you sane?

My kids. 

 

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Lizzo’s Instagram feed brought me life. 

 

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

The election. 

 

35. Who did you miss?

EVERYONE. 

 

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Rebec. 

 

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020.

Take NOTHING for granted. Literally nothing. 

 

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

 CLAP CLAP IT’S THE LETTER OF THE DAY

 CLAP CLAP IT’S THE LETTER OF THE DAY

I’m not gonna lie, I’m definitely feeling some depression these last few weeks.

Am I the only one a little bummed that the election results didn’t provide a more lasting sense of joy? I mean, after the several days of torturous waiting, it was nice to see that our guy won, but the process itself was less satisfying than I had expected and didn’t provide quite the boost to my mental health that I had hoped for. Like, now that it’s (mostly?!) over, it just feels kinda anticlimactic. 

 

Then my kids went to Idaho with their dad for Thanksgiving. I was against the idea. I mean, IDAHO? Where masks aren’t even required? But the divorce decree says he gets them for thanksgiving and I couldn’t convince him not to go. The virus is “overblown” he thinks. So now that the kids are back (they had a grand time eating steak and driving cars and chasing dogs on their cousin’s 60 acre property), we’re making them quarantine in their rooms and we’re all wearing masks in the house for ten days. Well, seven after today’s CDC update. It suuuuucks. I feel like I can’t talk to them for long or really hang out much. They can’t hold their baby sister. The whole family just feels very weird, and, well, *distanced.*

 

I’m also just feeling the virus closing in. Too many people way too close to us have been sick. One of our business partners even got exposed and had to quarantine (she’s fine and testing negative, but still). Soooo many clients are canceling their appointments because of exposure, or quarantine, and some have actually even had COVID to varying degrees of severity. It’s scary. 

 

I’m just so sick of it. One of my favorite clients arrived today and automatically went in for the hug and I had to, like, *stop* her, and it just broke my heart. She’s giving birth in two days and I couldn’t give her a hug. I’ve barely seen my friends in over a year. Some of them never even got to meet Ever before everything went to shit. I’m so bored and my poor extroverted heart is lonely. I miss crowds and shows and holding my husband’s hand across a dinner table on a date. 

 

(Also my seasonal affective disorder is clearly kicking in now that it’s dark all the time so bear with me.)

 

Fortunately I’m not having any severe or worrying thoughts. Mentally I’m actually doing okay. I’m not sad. This is more of a physical manifestation of depression. I have NO energy. I have to sit down between clients. When Ever takes her naps, I usually lay down, even when I’ve had a good night’s sleep. I know I need to put up the Christmas tree, but the idea of a task that large sounds overwhelming to me. It’s that kind of functional depression where you’re able to keep up with most of your daily functions, you’re just constantly exhausted. I don’t share this to wallow, it’s more that I think you’ll probably relate. And I’m sorry if you do, I really am. 

 

I hate to do that thing where I talk about a bunch of sad stuff and then end on a happy note, but the baby is such a happy note. Ever is starting to walk, and the way she pads her little feet on the floor like she isn’t quite sure if they’ll work yet, is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I can’t believe she’s walking. She’s learned her first command, too, the word UP, and she means it! She still wants to REE BUH (read a book) all day long and it just warms the cockles that she’s a book nerd like her daddy. 

 

Yesterday Sean had to take his car in for a warranty replacement and even though he made an appointment, it took three hours, and he had the baby there with him the entire time in the waiting room. She didn’t even fuss once, he said. That’s how desperate even she is to be part of the world right now. I can’t imagine how sick she must be of staying in the same rooms, behind the same gates, in the same house, every single day. By the time my older kids were this age, they were in swimming lessons and gym classes and getting to meet other babies every week. Ever only gets to come to the store occasionally with me and I keep her in the Bjorn the whole time and even then she has to smile and wave at everyone who looks her way. She loves people. She’s an extrovert like her mama and I’m a little sad she doesn’t get more people time. But this is gonna be a weird developmental year for literally all children, not just mine. Again, I’m guessing you can relate.