Am I the only one a little bummed that the election results didn’t provide a more lasting sense of joy? I mean, after the several days of torturous waiting, it was nice to see that our guy won, but the process itself was less satisfying than I had expected and didn’t provide quite the boost to my mental health that I had hoped for. Like, now that it’s (mostly?!) over, it just feels kinda anticlimactic.
Then my kids went to Idaho with their dad for Thanksgiving. I was against the idea. I mean, IDAHO? Where masks aren’t even required? But the divorce decree says he gets them for thanksgiving and I couldn’t convince him not to go. The virus is “overblown” he thinks. So now that the kids are back (they had a grand time eating steak and driving cars and chasing dogs on their cousin’s 60 acre property), we’re making them quarantine in their rooms and we’re all wearing masks in the house for ten days. Well, seven after today’s CDC update. It suuuuucks. I feel like I can’t talk to them for long or really hang out much. They can’t hold their baby sister. The whole family just feels very weird, and, well, *distanced.*
I’m also just feeling the virus closing in. Too many people way too close to us have been sick. One of our business partners even got exposed and had to quarantine (she’s fine and testing negative, but still). Soooo many clients are canceling their appointments because of exposure, or quarantine, and some have actually even had COVID to varying degrees of severity. It’s scary.
I’m just so sick of it. One of my favorite clients arrived today and automatically went in for the hug and I had to, like, *stop* her, and it just broke my heart. She’s giving birth in two days and I couldn’t give her a hug. I’ve barely seen my friends in over a year. Some of them never even got to meet Ever before everything went to shit. I’m so bored and my poor extroverted heart is lonely. I miss crowds and shows and holding my husband’s hand across a dinner table on a date.
(Also my seasonal affective disorder is clearly kicking in now that it’s dark all the time so bear with me.)
Fortunately I’m not having any severe or worrying thoughts. Mentally I’m actually doing okay. I’m not sad. This is more of a physical manifestation of depression. I have NO energy. I have to sit down between clients. When Ever takes her naps, I usually lay down, even when I’ve had a good night’s sleep. I know I need to put up the Christmas tree, but the idea of a task that large sounds overwhelming to me. It’s that kind of functional depression where you’re able to keep up with most of your daily functions, you’re just constantly exhausted. I don’t share this to wallow, it’s more that I think you’ll probably relate. And I’m sorry if you do, I really am.
I hate to do that thing where I talk about a bunch of sad stuff and then end on a happy note, but the baby is such a happy note. Ever is starting to walk, and the way she pads her little feet on the floor like she isn’t quite sure if they’ll work yet, is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I can’t believe she’s walking. She’s learned her first command, too, the word UP, and she means it! She still wants to REE BUH (read a book) all day long and it just warms the cockles that she’s a book nerd like her daddy.
Yesterday Sean had to take his car in for a warranty replacement and even though he made an appointment, it took three hours, and he had the baby there with him the entire time in the waiting room. She didn’t even fuss once, he said. That’s how desperate even she is to be part of the world right now. I can’t imagine how sick she must be of staying in the same rooms, behind the same gates, in the same house, every single day. By the time my older kids were this age, they were in swimming lessons and gym classes and getting to meet other babies every week. Ever only gets to come to the store occasionally with me and I keep her in the Bjorn the whole time and even then she has to smile and wave at everyone who looks her way. She loves people. She’s an extrovert like her mama and I’m a little sad she doesn’t get more people time. But this is gonna be a weird developmental year for literally all children, not just mine. Again, I’m guessing you can relate.
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