What I ACTUALLY thought about during Sunday's half marathon

First off, I got to the starting line over half an hour late (in spite of the fact that Lola may have the best parking karma of any car I've ever owned. FREE SPOT TWO BLOCKS AWAY!). This meant that even though I'd signed up for the 2:30 corral, which turned out to be number 16, I had already missed my starting time.

Since I was late anyway, I decided it didn't matter and found a Honey Bucket before sneaking in with corral 23. This was both a blessing and a curse. The curse was that I'd joined a mostly WALKING corral and I wanted to RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN. So I spent the first ten minutes weaving through bodies, which, while fun, tends to be a waste of both energy and speed.

But running a half marathon and passing people the whole time? Not bad for the ego. Just saying.

My only goal for this race was to run the whole thing. But then every time that Nike+ Bitch interrupted my run to tell me how fast I was going, I WILLED myself to slow down. I had planned to run 11-minute miles the whole time, but I was doing 9:34, 9:45, 9:30, 9:36, 9:12. So thinking about (my time) didn't really happen. I didn't stress about it at all and just accepted the fact that I was going to be walking up the hills because I had the time. Oddly enough, I looked forward to them, if for no other reason than the speed I got BOOKING IT down the other sides. (Why don't more runners SPRINT the downhills?!? Highlight of the fucking race!)

And then...

There were My People.

You have NO IDEA you guys. I know I've talked about SamnTerry before and how they are My People, but I don't know if I've ever talked about how they are my SAFE CALL People. I wish I didn't mean that in the way it sounds, but I do. I'd like to think I'm theirs too.

Normally, I would've had Dave take the kids during my race, but instead I kissed them goodbye and left them with my roommate, Sage until Sam could get there. Then Sam not only came to my race, but he picked up my kids and drove them all around town so they could cheer me on from multiple stops along the route. (Terry would've been there, too, but she was jet laaaaaaaged.)

Sam and my kids met me at mile 6 and mile 8 and mile 10 (I think) and every time I saw them, I got choked up. I mean, sitting around waiting for someone to run by is BORING, but it meant so, so much to me. And every time I saw them, I ran faster.

Between those miles, the music kept me going. Thanks, Pink! And that one recent song by Maroon 5 about hating yourself the next morning. Unfortunately, all my music was too slow. I'd set up an 11-minute mile play list and I was running 9:40's. That'll be fixed by the next race.

So that whole thing about me obsessing over my time?

Didn't happen at all!

My mind was completely open. I felt like a squirrel. Trees. Water. Beauty. Beats. MY KIDS! That one big guy who I wanted to tap on the shoulder and give a thumbs up to, but worried it might come across as patronizing because there's no way he could possibly know I used to weigh more than him. Beauty. Beats. Water. MY KIDS! Gu tastes like dog ass. FINDING A BATHROOM. Water. FINDING A BATHROOM. Downhill. Squeeeeeeeeee!

My knees were fine. My breathing was excellent. By mile nine, my hips and the balls of my feet were starting to bark. Fuck them, though, I still couldn't slow myself down. I was too busy singing along to the music, and, all too often, raising my hands to the non-existent roof. Even my fellow runners (all of which are obviously lunatics) were looking at me funny.

When it got hard (hello mile 12!), I was able to force myself to look up. And magically, almost hallucinogenically, I got that same full body glitter bomb I got the last time it got hard for me along the Willamette. Endorphins!!! This time it brought tears to my eyes because I had no idea that kind of magic was accessible to me all along. It's IN me. I think it might be there any time I need. I just have to LOOK. THE. FUCK. UP.

I wish I could say the race was somehow life-changing, but it wasn't. Basically I found this thing I love to do with this body and I was just doing it. It really isn't a big deal.

My only real epiphany was that I wasn't looking for Joel along the route. I wasn't expecting or even hoping that he'd show up. It took me a day or two to process, but if this race was about anything, it was about how I've spent the last two and half years WAITING. With my phone hovering in my hand. In cars. In restaurants. In bars. Crying in my bath tub. At church. At home. At my stove wondering whether or not to start dinner. On his front porch in the rain. In my HEART. This stupidly open heart of mine has been waiting and waiting for something that was never going happen. I probably would have spent the rest of my life waiting if I hadn't snapped. Every finish line would have been a disappointment.

13.1 miles later, I'm done waiting. I refuse to be disappointed by anyone but myself.

The beauty is I didn't have to wait for Sam to show up and be there for me - with my kids. In fact, I almost completely missed them in the middle of that two mile stretch on Hawthorne because I was just trying to make it up the hill. Seeing them there was a SURPRISE.

They were just there. My People. As it should be. They filled me with lovelovelovelovelovelove.

But the biggest surprise of all was that I surprised myself:

My official time (including a five-minute potty break) was 2:16:47. But I paused my Nike+ app for my poop break, so Nike's total time for the full course (which the GPS said was 13.6 miles) was 2:14:13.

Nike's 13.1 mile time was 2:07:37.

Apparently I have one helluva PR to beat on Independence Day.

No more waiting for this broad. I'd rather run.

Comments

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Great recap!!

1) For me, I don't sprint downhill because it hurts more going down than up., My knees are kinda fucked, but I still insist on running

2) I can't even express how great it is to read you're thoughts about Joel, and not waiting anymore.

3) "Zig Zagging" adds mileage to the GPS. There's a method, and I'm trying so hard to remember it right now., It will probably come to me at 2am, and I will wake from a dead sleep and yell out the name, lol. Anyway...it's a way of running in a straight line, or as close to one as possible. Not cross the street, or zig zagging around people (again, as much as possible). It keeps you from running farther than the actual race.

Posted by: Kim | May 21, 2013 at 11:58 AM

TANGENTS!! That's the word I was looking for...

http://www.saltyrunning.com/2013/03/26/running-the-tangents-why-your-gps-thinks-every-race-course-is-long/

Posted by: Kim | May 21, 2013 at 12:00 PM