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February 02, 2012


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first of all, I have continued reading through this all, and I am with you all the way, dear girl. Hopefully, you feel those of us lurking and sending you good vibes throughout all of this.
Secondly, Zoloft can kiss my ass. I had to take it through my pregnancies because it is approved for fetuses...but it was hell. I was so lethargic, but couldn't sleep, and as for the sexual side effects...I am a girl who prides herself on being able to masturbate in less than a minute, but on zoloft...it was like there was Novocaine on my clit and my orgasm was broken. I wanted to have orgasms and want sex, but it was SO HARD. Sure, my rage was dulled, but parts of me I loved were, too.
I have been taking Citalopram for a couple of years now, and I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant. No sexual side effects for me, no lack of energy (other than the usual you get from, you know, life); after I was on it for a couple of weeks, I laughed so hard, I cried. I hadn't done that in years.
Please, note, though, that this was after trying Lexapro, Zoloft, Paxil, and Prozac first. Sometimes it takes a while to get the right drug. And sometimes, it takes finally going to a woman doctor who had been through what I had.
Good luck!


I'm wondering about Dave's parents if YOURS are the ones called "Regular Grandma and Grandpa." (!)

My husband was on Effexor for a while and the only real side effect was terrible nightmares. So . . . I guess you have to pick your poison.

My family's favorite cheap meal is hamburger casserole, which is basically Hamburger Helper only made from scratch. I added cooked spinach last time and it was a huge hit!

taylor k.

I am bipolor (and other things). It took damn near a decade of trying everything from zoloft to lithium to find that nothing worked for me. I am currently taking mega-doses of Niacin and Zinc and thats it. It works. I feel everything, and i am able to think clearly and understand better than I was able to before when I was a heavily medicated zombie, but i am able to control every emotion i have right now. Its been a learning process, and everyone is differant. You will find what works one day, just keep your head up till then. :)

cindy w

Your parents... just... visited your kids through your ex-husband instead of you? I don't even... WTF? Wow. I am stunned. I mean, just the unimaginable GALL. Good lord.

Good luck with the drugs. I don't have any advice, just keep testing things until you find what works. And DON'T stop anything cold turkey because you will be siiiiiick. Like, you'll need Dramamine around the clock kind of sick. It's not pleasant.


Your poverty, while certainly shitty, is not the poverty many experience. You have a car and access to grocery stores. Many people I know do not have cars, nor the knowledge necessary to shop smart and plan meals. So they can spend a few bucks on a shitty dinner from the corner store or our they can take a bus to a real grocery store and buy what they can carry home on the return bus. It's nice to see you're back being your old high and mighty self though.

Rayne of Terror

I had a very similar reaction to Zoloft. I found Lexapro to be a great fit for me. The thing w/ Dave & your folks is insane but you can't control them so I guess maintain your boundaries.


If I had grandchildren that I was not allowed to see, I would do whatever I had to do to be able to see them. I'm glad Dave and your parents are trying to work things out.

Mrs Marcos

I've been on Zoloft successfully for over 13 years (for depression, not for anxiety). Three years ago I started to have panic attacks and extreme anxiety. The doctor added Klonopin and I've been on and off of that (most recently off due to pregnancy and now breast feeding). They added Buspirone during pregnancy and I'm still on it, 30mg two or three times a day depending on my anxiety level. The nice thing about Buspirone is that the tablets are scored into 10mg tablets so you can take less or more depending on your level of anxiety. Good luck, I'm sure it is frustrating for you but keep working at the right chemical balance. :)


I tried Lexapro which made me violently ill and Zoloft which did absolutely nothing, and then took myself to the psychiatrist, instead of my family doctor. She prescribed me Ativan and a teeny tiny dose of Abilify and it was like magic. Family docs don't like to give benzodiazepines, but those drugs don't make you foggy and generally don't have sexual side effects. On the downside I'll have to take the Ativan forever or basically detox from it, so it's not perfect, but I'll take no anxiety for now.


Zoloft did the same thing to me and I'm the girl who wanted to have sex with my ex husband every single day we were married even though I hated him so I feel ya on that. I did end up on something else that worked... but in my current postpartum fog I don't recall what it was. When I remember, I'll let you know. Now...as for your parents... WOW! Talk about a big bunch of crazy!!!
And Mary, why do you read if you think she's so high and mighty? It sounds to me like you could benefit from some of those sex toys and batteries... ya know, so you could go fuck yourself.


My ex-husband took Paxil for a little while and it killed our sex life. He couldn't orgasm no matter how hard we tried, but he lost interest in sex anyway so it barely mattered. He also said that he felt like he was just viewing his life from the outside and wasn't in real control of himself any longer. He ended up flushing them in a fit of rage (a lot of good the pills did in that area, LOL) and using a wood burning tool to burn the word discipline into his forearm. He was lot of fun.

I'm usually a lurker, but I want to make sure you know you aren't alone. I too had a terrible marriage (the first one) he was possessive, mentally and verbally abusive and it was terrible. I put up with it for 10 years and I'm so glad that I was on birth control that whole time. Leaving him was the hardest yet easiest thing I ever did.

My current husband is the love of my life and in almost every way the opposite of my ex. He is everything to me and for a long time I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. But 4 years (almost 5) into it there is no other shoe. Life is so good.

I hope that your life is good too.


While I agree that food made from scratch is better for you and cheap-like you said, it takes TIME! And time is not what many poverty-level families have a lot of. I'm not at poverty level-and i utilize way too many convenience foods simply because I don't have the time to spend cooking. When I get really organized I can do a bunch of cooking on the weekend and have cheap healthy meals on the table. But that doesn't always happen. Our meals are still healthy-just a tad more expensive!

As for your parents-I suppose I agree with Abby in that-if they were my grandkids-I would even put up with my hated ex son-in-law if that's what it took to see them. But they should have informed you. I assume you're not worried about them being around the kids--many parents who didn't make fantastic parents make wonderful grandparents. Go figure.

Marnie Whelan

I've been reading about some new drug (s?) that target a different neuroprocessor, glutamate. Seems it's a whole new approach to depression. Because I have relatives who, like you, do not do well on the prozac group (I think anxiety is the key) I am v v interested. Ask, as they say, your medical professional! Or google it.

Kudos to you for the poverty-cooking challenge. I so know what you mean. It feels weirdly like channeling my mother, but with better cooking skills. . .

HINT: the next time you have $20 buy some truffle oil. Add a VERY SMALL AMOUNT to, Oh, I don't know, anything? and stand back.

Calling you out on your crap

I find it curious that you are completely broke the last week of the month, and have to "scrape your pantry" to feed your children, yet you have spent a lot of the past couple of weeks going out to dinner, to comedy shows, drinking (BTW- really bright to be drinking and taking mind-altering medication), going out to coffee and dancing? How do you afford to do all of that (none of which is cheap)? Your entertainment budget seems a little extraordinary, considering that Old Mama Westmont's cupboards are bare.

I agree with Mary- yes, you may be poor, but you could also do something about it, which you choose not to do. You have a "big beautiful SUV" (um, wait, no actually big, broke down Nissan XTerra), a home, clothes, etc. I don't think that you have a clue what it means to really be wanting.

Also, I think that Dave should be able to do whatever he wants when he has the children- pretty sure that you do. The fact that he is willing to let YOUR parents see the children on his time is kind. Just because you are pissed off at your parents because they have been critical of your shitty behavior (which you have mentioned in the past), does not mean that the kids should suffer. This is not about you- it is about your kids having a relationship with their grandparents, which exists OUTSIDE of you. You should be glad that your children have grandparents that love them and want to spend time with them.

Really, Amanda, you should pay attention to what you have written- you lie about the stupidest stuff and contradict yourself all over the place.

just sayin'

It seems to me that you don't take your ex-husband's feelings into account when you have the children. For example, last week you cut Genoa's hair off and were desperately afraid of the backlash from your ex. Obviously, given your concerns about it, he did not want Genoa's hair cut off that short and you knew that (you wrote about it). Yet you did it anyway. So, you sure honored his wishes with the kids didn't you? It seems you expect everyone to treat you with a certain level of respect, yet you disrespect the children's father (and now your family) publicly "without regret". Funny how it's all fine and good for your parents to take your kids to the beach alone with them a few months ago. But now, it's not OK for your parents to see them? It is a good thing that your ex and your parents are getting along for the sake of the children. Wish you could put your differences aside and do the same so your children can have a relationship with their grandparents. Just my opinion though.

PS. I don't take drugs, so I can't help you there.

PSS. I feed my children first before eating out at restaurants and going out drinking and dancing.

PSSS. I thought of a great name for your new place since you've been asking for suggestions. How about "The Poor House"?

When you find yourself in a hole, you should stop diggin.

You stated in previous posts that you basiclly "duck" your parents calls and that you have chosen not to talk to them. I dont know as though they had a choice when they contacted your ex asking to see the children. If they wanted to see their grandchildren, they had too. You refused to talk to them.

Many grandparents make better grandparents than they do parents, and if their big plans that day were taking the kids to have the super fun they did, thats awesome for the kids!

If you choose not to talk to your parents for whatever reasoning you have, thats your right. But are you keeping the kids from them because they are bad influences on the kids or because YOU have issue with them? If its simply because you have issue with your parents, then you are using your children as pawns. The "I dont like you and want nothing to do with you so you dont get to see your grandchildren either" attitude will bite you in your ass. Sounds like it already has as they have circumvented (sp?)you and now go through their EX-son-in-law. One day you will have to explain why that is to the children.

Not sure your making the best of decisions with all that you got going on, but its only my opinion and i figure if you didnt want comments, you would have "closed" them. Good luck.

When you find yourself in a hole, you should stop diggin.

One more thing, Your life just got 200% more complicated.

One - You wont be able to control YOUR parents seeing YOUR kids. Thats going to drive you nuts,(it certainly would me) especially when your ex is gonna be all buddy-buddy with YOUR family, knowing you dont speak to them, only confirming that they all think you've lost your shit. It's going to piss you off and you wont be able to do a damn thing about it. (laugh today but shit like that tends to get under your skin)

Two - Maybe not today or tomorrow but if their little arrangement continues, those kids are going to see that the their dad lets them see/visit their "fun" grandparents and family while their mom has cut everyone off for one reason or another. Dads gonna come out smellin' like roses while mom is going to be the crazy one.

That whole situation is a train wreck. And you've put yourself in a position where you have no control of it. AGAIN, good luck. And i really mean it.


It sounds to me like most of those above comments with fakey fakey names are all by the same "Mary" person. Really wants to get her point across I guess. WTFEver.

Sounds like your pantry scraping was a hit. good for you!

I take a very old fashioned antidepressent called Elavil. Works and no side effects as long as I take it at night.

cindy w

Wow. Some people have their Judgy Panties on a little too tight.


Oh, babe. It makes me sad to read all the critical comments. Please don't let them get to you. I believe in my heart that you are making the best decisions you are able to at this moment. I agree it's not the best long-term solution for the kids to see your parents through Dave. However, you have so much going on TODAY, that I cannot blame you one bit for not tackling that problem also. Alex and Genoa would be much worse overall if their mama had the extra stress of negotiating visits with grandparents.

Heal yourself first. The rest will follow.

And, I applaud you for letting us all view your progress, halting though it may be at the moment. I, for one, am richer for it.


aww, how cute someone took the time to bash you that much after they chose to read your blog.

I think you're brave. Life deals you shitty hands sometimes (parents, relationships, bare pantries) and you're courageous enough to not only face it but let us all in on your world. Keep dancing with your friends and drinking if you want to! Sometimes the best medicine is a good night out! Thanks for being you, and opening this window for us all.
You are really, really brave, even if you don't feel like it, and I'm grateful I stumbled onto your blog several months ago.

Side note: my parents kept us from my grandparents as much as possible for awhile when we were young too. They ended up being ok grandparents, but I trust my parents' judgment that if there were things they dealt with as their children that they didn't want us dealing with, it was their job to protect us. That's what parents do. Oof - and hooking up with your ex to sneak time with your kids? That just seems lower than low. I'm on your side.


One more thing, finding the right medication, or combination of medications, is very tricky business. Make sure you are seeing the doctor with the most experience you can find. My DH was greatly helped by a psychiatrist whose main job was seeing patients at an inpatient mental hospital. Whenever DH would get frustrated, the doc would say, "Yes, I've seen this before. Yes, I have an idea to change meds/dosages. And, no, you are not even close to the worst case I've seen."

South African chick

I have no advice regarding your family drama or even the medication....I don't live in the US but we hear a lot about "couponing"? Have u ever considered trying that? Good luck with the rest!


Ugh, makes me wish Mary wasn't such a popular name!


Trolls are awesome, they help pay the bills.

I enjoy reading your blog and "get" a little of what you are going through.

I haven't had an active libido in 10 years. My youngest is 9.

I'm having a hysterectomy on Valentine's Day and am hoping that it may actually help things.

I've taken Lexapro, worked for a few months. Pristiq , worked the best but public insurance didn't cover it. Wellbutrin, was like I was on speed. Citalopram, didn't work at all. I don't even remember what I was on for anxiety as a daily, but I took lorazepram for really bad days, it sort of helped if it didn;t make me pass out.

In July 2011 I quit them all. It's not exactly been easy or fun but for now at lest I know it's the right thing for me.

I hope you find a level ground with your meds and that your libido comes back with a large appetite.

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