Ever since the split, people have been referring to me as a Single Mom.
And I HATE IT.
It gives me a full-body, fork-scraping-a-dinner-plate CRINGE, right down to my bright red toenails. Remember that dance move Elaine Benes did where she crooked her foot out sideways and jerked it around like she was having a seizure? THAT.
"Single Mom" is just so laden with excess baggage that it might be the heaviest two-word phrase in the English language. You can't hear it without thinking of abandonment, plight, poverty, struggle, loneliness. It's a smoggy, soot-covered term that brings to mind city bus passes, pants with holes in the knees and government cheese. If the words had a smell, they would reek of stale shag carpet, Suave shampoo, Spaghettios and desperation.
None of which apply to me AT ALL. (Well, except for the Suave shampoo. Mama's still a cheap bastard!)
The truth is that even when I'm alone with the kids, I don't feel like a Single Mom.
I feel like a MOM.
My kids have a DAD.
Yes we are both single, but that has nothing to do with our PARENTING.
We're still co-parents. Literally 50/50. Dave gets to see the kids more because he's home with them when I'm at work, but that's fine with me. And about a million times better than daycare. In fact, I get more help with the kids NOW than I ever did when I was a full-time stay-at-home mother. The term "Single Mom" applied better to me as a lawyer's wife than it does now.
I guess I'm lucky because Dave IS such an excellent father. He's always there. In a separate house that's all of one mile away, sure, but THERE. Whenever I need him.
So I'm really NOT a "Single Mom," am I?
I wish I could come up with a better way to put it. Some idyllic phrase that says: Independent Mom Who Shares Childcare Responsibilities With Former Spouse. No heroics or bravery involved.
Divorced Mom has a negative connotation.
Co-Parent has a hippie-ish ring to it that I'm not sure applies.
Part-time Mom makes me sound like I'm phoning it in.
Choice Mom implies that there was never a father to begin with, so it's a no-go.
Baby Momma?
Maybe I'll go with that.
You are not a single mom. You are single and you are a mom. Just like you said-your kids have a dad.
I am a single mom. My daughter does not have a father and I'm the only one supporting her. I understand the "poverty/struggle" association-usually single moms are young women that became mothers before they had a chance at education, etc. I'm a single mom by CHOICE-meaning in my thirties I decided to do it on my own.
You are a mom. Period. Why do you need to explain yourself more? And if there's any two-word phrase that needs to be stricken from the English language (if you can call it that) is Baby Mama. As far as I'm concerned that phrase is attributed to women who have no common sense and/or self-esteem to use birth control (aka the new term for teenage mothers!)
Posted by: Jules | October 07, 2010 at 02:08 PM
Those who know you already know what you are. There are no neat labels to describe you to those who don't.
Try this: "Hi, I'm Amanda, and I'm simply complicated. Just like you."
Posted by: simply heidi | October 07, 2010 at 03:30 PM
What about - One Kick Ass Mama :)
Posted by: Krystal | October 07, 2010 at 04:23 PM
There is a stigma attached to it for sure. Not every single parent it the atypical stigma attached to it. Ugh.
Posted by: Siera | October 07, 2010 at 06:07 PM
I was a single parent for many years and to me it was a badge of courage, strength, and determination, even if government cheese and poverty were included. But ya, I get your point. Be who you want to be and project that--don't accept the projection the other way around.
Posted by: Sharla | October 07, 2010 at 11:30 PM
I was one of two kids with divorced parents at my Catholic grade school in Seattle. I had no idea what it meant at the time, but I remember hearing, "SHE HAS A SINGLE MOM," in reference to me a lot. So, yeah. I don't love that term either.
Posted by: Rhi | October 08, 2010 at 06:40 AM
What about 'mom'. Just like the rest of us.
I know...it's wishful thinking on my part to think that society will ever stop labeling 'types' of mommas.
Posted by: Melissa | October 08, 2010 at 08:41 AM
I agree - you should be able to just stop at Mom! Or how about "Supreme Motherly Being"?
Posted by: Rachael | October 08, 2010 at 10:40 PM
I've never thought that "single mom" meant any of those things...maybe because I was raised by an awesome single mom and single dad?
Don't worry...every parent carries some label. Do you really care what label others put on you?
Posted by: Abby | October 09, 2010 at 04:10 PM
To echo the others, what about just "mom". Why do we have to put modifiers in front of it? You're an awesome mom and your marital status shouldn't play a part in it. :-)
Posted by: LizP | October 10, 2010 at 09:51 AM
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Posted by: michael lee sorrells | October 13, 2010 at 02:06 PM
I got it! (Yes, I am still ruminating on a post three days later, what of it?) How about 'Solo mom' I mean, if you have to put a modifier on mom, this one fits the bill at least decently.
Posted by: Melissa | October 15, 2010 at 09:01 AM
Who the hell do you think you are? I do not know how it is ok for you to label single mothers when you are behaving like a 16 year old in heat. I feel sorry for the embarrasment that your ex-husband and children will have(when they are old enough)read this. You are a crappy excuse for a mother, been handed everything on a silver spoon and to read your blod makes me sick. You are so holier than thou and you are going online dating? Give me a break! Desperate!!! PUKE.
Posted by: brigette | October 18, 2010 at 02:31 PM
I dont think the person above got the jist of your blog post. lol Anyway, I understand somewhat where you are coming from. I am a single mom in all regards no dad in the picture, etc, etc. However the term "single mom' seems to have taken on some kind of desperate, needy tone that is just not always true. Most of the single moms I know are strong awesome women. Not these pitiful creatures that we have been made out to be at times. We don't always need a handout and we are not waiting for a man to come save us.
Anyway im a stalker of your blog have been for a few years. Good luck on your new adventures. :)
Posted by: Rona | October 21, 2010 at 08:42 AM
Thanks for the Article, It brightens up my day! No worries though sweetheart you can do it!
Posted by: single mom | December 21, 2010 at 08:09 AM