A deluxe apartment in the sky

I've never lived alone before.  I stayed at home until my junior year of college, then spent a semester in a dorm at USF before moving in with Dave at the ripe old spinster age of 20.

So this is a first. One of many I've been having lately. First bank account! First lease! First time camping out on an air mattress in an Internet-less apartment for a week!

It's equal parts terrifying and magnificent.

Initially I was hit with an overwhelming sense of freedom. Like I was a teenager let loose unsupervised in a beach town. I had to fight the unspeakable urge to hide behind a fence somewhere and smoke cigarettes. I wouldn't even have to hide the smell from my parents! I'm the grown-up now! I can do whatever I want!

But it turns out all I want to do is dance to Motown music, paint my toenails red and eat quinoa right out of the pan. So that's what I've been doing. Mostly.

I've also been missing my children.

A lot.

The apartment is freakishly quiet.

I'm sure I'll get used to this living alone business once it becomes a routine because it's definitely not all bad. Solitude actually has quite a bit to recommend, like:

If I don't feel like making dinner, no one is disappointed. Not even me.

When I put the can opener away? It stays there! Right where I put it!

I'm accountable only to myself. Whether or not I make a good supervisor is yet TBD, but I've always thought of myself as an entrepreneur. I'll call this latest venture an investment in myself. Good thing I have an aggressive outlook and a long-term time horizon because I'm one hell of a risk.

I get to choose every song.

And all that food in the pantry? Is for me.

It definitely helps that I don't have to worry about my kids. Their father adores them and is every bit as capable as I am of seeing to their safety and well-being. I can relax at least a little knowing they want for nothing in my absence, except maybe my affection. And they'll get that in spades every other week starting on Monday.

Of course that won't help me miss them any less. 

Or stop me from crying every time I see them.

At least the apartment is nice.

Comments

[Beth Tipton]

Oh hunny.....I've been exactly where you are....10 years ago I got a divorce. My daughter was already out of the house. My 14 year old son stayed with Dad. I got my first apartment....All those feelings you are writing about, I'd felt...every single one of them! It made me cry to read your thoughts as it flooded my mind with memories...HUGS and have fun!!!!

[a.]

WTF, Amanda! You left them?

[Michele]

Uh, "a", I believe this is called a joint custody arrangement, which is something completely different than "leaving them".

Great apartment Amanda! I can't wait to see what you do with the place!

[Amanda]

Actually, I suppose I did leave them. But we all had to leave, technically, since we lost the house. My only other choice would have been to move into my mother-in-law's house, which is where Dave is going.

He got the first week of custody because his family is in town and we both wanted the kids to have fun with their cousins. We'll start alternating weeks after that, 50-50.

[Lori Harrison]

Amanda my dear....it's ok to feel however you are feeling....your emotions will change from minute to minute....We love you all and want you all to be happy. We are here for you and we are keeping your whole family in our thoughts....it's going to be okay!Love you Kiddo!

[Melissa]

You are a braver woman than I Amanda. I don't know if I could do what you're doing. I admire your courage, both to actually do it and to blog about it. You're doing great.

[Siera]

I am sorry your missing your children, but happy you've found peace in your own first place. It's a beautiful apartment. I wish I could find something so nice for myself which is unlikely, given how caraaazy my rental market is.

[laura]

I was kinda torn on how I was feeling towards your situation, not that my thought counts here I just couldn't get it. But after much thought WaY TO GO, because I am not sure I would have enough balls to do it and that is what I was hung up on. You are a strong women and thank you for being able to share with us. peace and love
and i love my MIL to pieces but there isnt a snowballs chance in hell i would ever, ever move in here home.

[Rosetta]

Are you familiar with the blog Irretrievably Broken? It's a great blog written by a divorcee, might be of interest to you:

http://irretrievablybroken.wordpress.com

Also, the flirty new profile pic you have up is super cute!

[lolismum]

Curiosity did get the cat. But I am really curious. Do you think the financial situation, the prospect of moving in with MIL, however loved, pushed the marriage over the edge? Or it was already irretrievably broken and this was an opportunity for a clean break? Did having Dave at home 24/7 accelerated the break-up or cause it? Because although I believe a happier mamma is a better mamma, I cannot help feel sadness for your kids who will not only uprooted from their current home but have to alternate weeks with the parents. I hope they survive it without any major problems, but add me to the chorus of people who think all this cannot possibly be explained with not being "in" love. That just seems foolishly unrealistic at best, spectacularly selfish at worst when the kids are so young. But maybe you mean "could not stand being around him", as opposed to "not in love." Then, my friend, carry on and make yourself happy.

[Amber]

Oh, the rampant speculation!

[shelley]

i really enjoy your blog... like many others i'm so shocked about recent events. do tell more!

your new apt looks lovely. leaving my husband 10 years ago was the HARDEST thing i ever did. i'm still happy i did it!

[LisaG]

Wow. So many opinionated comments. I get that this is shocking but I'm sure Amanda is doing what's best for everyone involved. You are incredibly brave and I'm happy for you :)
I never comment here but after reading the comments I thought I might burst! lol

[Abby]

I'm curious too, about so many things, but I will just ask this one question: Who gets Harry?

[Kristine]

When I was 7yrs old my parents divorced, I recall seeing my mom stressed, lonely, excited by her freedom, all in all a emotional roller coaster.I never saw it as a negative, she got to be mom & an independent person. No longer a woman stuck in an unhappy marriage, a unhappy wife. Being a wife & mom myself, I think your doing the right thing! Don't let yourself get caught up w/ others ?'s why ? what went wrong? whose fault was it? It's all BS. Be strong , be proud in your choices. Be you that's what is best for your kids. It may sound wrong to some but CONGRATS!! On your new lease on life. PS..the apt is way too cute!

[zee]

As a long term reader (and lurker) I finally am compelled to comment. My feelings lie strongly with Dave. He supported you, gave you children, worked hard to provide your dream home, cars and your SAHM lifestyle.

He has now lost his job, his home, his wife, his family unit, and, no doubt, his pride. At the time when HE needed the most support, you have abandoned him. I think that is really selfish.

In the meanwhile, you have decided - when the family's welfare should have been your utmost priority - to concentrate on YOU. Your health, your job, your new apartment. What about him? them?

Honestly, I can understand losing the "IN" love. But a marriage is more than that, family is more than that. You should at least have supported him and your kids through this difficult time, and then re-thought your feelings when things were on a more equal footing.

I'm sure there have been times when you have not been your best and HE has not been IN love with you. But he has loyalty, and, apparently, you do not.

Team Dave on this one.

[Kerri Anne]

Can there be a moratorium on people asking nonsense questions and/or chiming in to judge your decisions?

Because I'm thinking some of these comments need to be neck punched by Liam Neeson.

#cinematicthreats