Final Word

Out of respect for my husband, that last post is really all I plan to say about the divorce, except to add that there was no infidelity in our marriage. Like ANY couple, married or divorced, we had plenty of problems, but that was never one of them.

Comments

[Teri]

Very good for you! That is the best way to handle this situation

[J]

Hang in there, Amanda. Hug your kids and know that trusting yourself is a wonderful lesson to teach them.

[Rosetta]

Honestly, I am disappointed that you're closing the subject. After dishing out martial/relationship advice for so many years, I would like to know more about what you think you got right and where you were wrong. Of course, for the sake of your family, it's the right decision.

[Alias Mother]

In all honesty? I think people jump to the infidelity conclusion because it's the easiest one. "Someone cheated" is easily explained, understandable, and strangely acceptable to people. Unfulfilled, grown-apart, and irreparably broken are harder for people to comprehend.

I've come to two conclusions about marriage through the years. One: no one ever understands the relationship between two people except the two people themselves. And sometimes not even then. Two: no one should throw stones at another person's marriage. There isn't a glass house strong enough to hide in.

[Stephen]

> I think people jump to the infidelity conclusion because it's the easiest one.

Actually, I think the easiest conclusion to come to is that she is ending her marriage and splitting up her family because she loves her husband but is not "in"love with him, as she originally posted.

But that seems very selfish & 100% self centered - which would be fine for a person with no children but is pretty reprehensible for a parent of two young children who are about to be thrust into the ugly world known as "kids of divorced parents". My wife is a teacher, and I can fill this blog with nothing but the horror stories of divorced kid problems, trust me.

I think some of us were postulating that surely there was "more" to the story than Amanda just not being "in love" with Dave anymore as it was amazingly contrary to all her posting over the years. Like someone hacked her account and made the divorce story up.

But yes, it is her life and her marriage and if I added to any stress, I am sorry for that.

[Tree Wines]

It's very easy to judge when we're not involved. Thanks for sharing, Amanda! And please keep the blog going - I adore you!

[LizP]

Alias Mother got it right, no one knows what happens in your house but you!

Divorce sucks, especially for kids! So my wish and hope for you is that you and Dave can raise those precious ones with all of the love and support in the world. (((hugs)))

[Carrie]

Wow, I agree with Stephen. I don't know you and I don't comment much but I REALLY hope you know what you are doing to your family and those kids. My marriage has been 14 years of hard work and not a whole lot of "in" love, but you know what? It's what is best for my family, not just ME. Sorry to be the bitch, but you need to hear it.

[The Original Drama Mama]

I feel like Han Solo - out of it for a little while frozen in carbonite and bam! The busy past month has kept me off the blogs and wow, was I shocked to see this! It's crazy - I don't know you, never met you, only started reading your blog a few months ago...but feel like I KNOW you. I have two friends struggling with the possibility of divorce - each for very different reasons...and my sister is considering it for the EXACT reason you have mentioned.
You are living through so much right now...I hope you can find some solace in writing and your blog, achieve happiness and balance in your life - and do what is right for YOU and YOUR family.

[Jamie]

As someone who had parents who stayed together "for the kid" I've always felt I'd have been happier if they'd have been happier.

Divorce isn't the worst thing in the world to happen to a kid. It's not great, sure, but what's important is that the children still have two loving parents who are actively involved in their lives.

[Liana (Suburban Mom)]

Whoa. I seriously was shocked to high hell when reading all of this because you have seemed over the past few years like you were in a solid relationship. But the truth is, I only know smidgeons of your life based on what you post; I do not know you in real life. However, when Dave lost his job and you've been in sort of a "funk" and things have been rough - I can't say that I'm exactly surprised. You have dealt with so much this past year. And I'm sure that this is not a decision you made lightly.

I think while people may cast stones and complain about you being "selfish" because of your children, I would like to comend you for NOT being selfish. You don't have to teach your children that staying where you are unhappy is a way of life - you are a strong woman, and that is a good thing. I don't know if it's been tense or harsh in your home life, but if it has - then removing the children from a situation like that is NOT selfish.

I wish you the best. I'm sorry you are going through this; I imagine it is very very tough and heart breaking. But this too shall pass and I have a feeling that it will all be ok in time.

[laura]

I do not know you besides this blog but I found the your last blog to be very respectful towards your family. Wishing you all of the best. Marriage takes alot of work and divorce I can only imagine adds more stress. Hugs a million times over for all of you.

[Sarah]

You've shared some intimate stuff about your sex life, so I'm surprised that you are closing the subject on your marriage.
I respect your decision though, blogging can be risky business.

If you're not happy, move on for the sake of your kids. Nothing would be worse than to lose yourself in a loveless marriage just so the kids don't have to deal with divorce. Divorce is not a decision anyone would take lightly, especially someone who's been married more than a few years and has children. Ignore the haters!

[Lori Harrison]

Amanda my dear....I have no words for you..other than...We love your whole family regardless of if you are married or divorced....and will always! I love you kiddo!

[Angie]

My in-laws can not stand each other, but they are still married. My husband swears that he and his younger brother used to talk about how their parents should just get divorced and stop making each other miserable from time he was Alex's age and his brother was Genoa's age. Sometimes two happy parents in two separate homes is the greatest gift a person can give their child. Keep calm and carry on, Amanda. Everything in its own time.

[Grace]

Sorry to hear the news of your divorce. I hope you and Dave can get through this as friendly as possible.

[Carrie]

Just wanted to send love and best wishes my dear. I just went thru this and probably didn't handle it as gracefully as you are:) I know you will make a great life for you and your children.

[Melissa]

I come from a family of divorce. To the best of my knowledge, those same two letters broke my parents up.

You know what the title of my college application essay was, "Why my parents breaking up was the best thing that ever happened to me."

I'm just saying that anyone who claims you need to stay together for the children doesn't really understand that sometimes it is in fact, the best thing FOR the children.

I may not know you, but I know what your kids are going through. And you know what, they'll be just fine.

-a PhD with a husband and child of her own who likes to think she turned out just fine.

[Therese]

Wow - sending you all lots of positive thoughts for this tough time. I fall into the category of "my parents should have divorced years ago" but I think only you know what is best for you and your family.

[kheather]

Holy Fucking Shit.
I just dont know what else to say!

[denise]

i'm so sorry amanda that this year has just been one shitty one for you. here's to hoping that you find the strength to make it through all this and whatever comes your way. i don't know whether it's worse for the kids to live in a house without love or to live in a house without 2 parents, but that's your choice and not ours to make. here's wishing you all the best.

[Gry]

OK, here are my final words about this.. (In case you care, heh.)

I've been thinking about you and your divorce for a couple of days now and something has been bothering me.

When you were talking about he whole saying yes thing, you made me feel (a little) insecure, as a wife. I thought maybe I wasn't as dedicated, that maybe I was good but not good enough. It's not like I've been dwelling on it, but when you wrote it it made an impression on me.

And now, I feel really deflated. My first thought was that if the two of you can't make it, then what about the rest of us? But that isn't how it is, is it? Maybe you haven't been lying on your blog, but you sure have been omitting a lot, in between waxing on about happy marriages and what it takes to stay together.

I don't know you personally, I only read your blog and I've enjoyed it for a long time (I LOVE your chicken cashew recipe!) but now I don't know how much of what I've read has been truthful, or just plain wishful.

As a reader I feel betrayed, or something close to it. And as a reader you have no obligations to please me with details of your life. But betrayed is still how I feel.

I still wish you much happiness in your life, for both you and the kids and Dave.

[Jessica]

My father has been married three times. He had a child with each wife. My oldest brother turned out remarkebly well, considering the hatred his mother put on him, the times she took my father to court because he wasn't giving her enough money (despite the fact she married a very wealthy attorney and my father, at the time, was a government worker making very little). He worked so hard to bein my brother's life, yet it was never enough. Despite this, Rick grew up to be a sucessful, charming, responsible man...now going through a divorce. But that's a whole other story. My brother from my dad's second marriage...he's living in someone's storage unit and is 33 years old. He has never held a job longer than 6 months. He nearly died 5 years ago when his car wrapped around a tree after a night of drinking. Despite my father getting custody, ensuring he did everything right with this one, despite money, shrinks, tutors,a childhood filled with family vacations and a safe home, and a mother in figure in my saint of a mother, he turned out this way. My mother and father are still together after 30 years and while they have had their ups and downs ( I begged my mother to divorce him when I was 14. He got on zoloft and our lives changed shortly after) they get each other. No one else can put up with my dad quite like Mom, and I think she is happy to do so. They just fit.

I guess my point is, no one can tell you how your kids lives will change, how they will end up as a result of this. My brother would probably be getting a divorce even if his parents had not. My other brother might be very well just be a lazy guy who doesn't know when to grow up. It seems that you and Dave will be amicable about this, and always friends, so you all stand a good chance of being just fine. I really hope you will be.

[irretrievably broken]

Thinking of you, of course. I've figured out that no one knows ANYTHING about anyone else's marriage, ever. And if one person is unhappy, both people are unhappy. Someone said that to me when I was first separated and it made perfect sense, and made me feel better.

[Kerri Anne]

I just love you. That is all.

And as you well know, you don't owe anyone an explanation about the ins and outs of your marriage and now divorce. Not a single person.