On Wednesday, Dave and I filed for divorce

Every divorce has its reasons, but mine can be explained with a single word.

I love David. I will always love David. But I'm not in love with him.

Two stupid little letters.

Sadly, in this case, small words matter. Some words weigh more than others and this one just got too heavy for me. The more I tried to forget about it, the heavier it got and the harder it was for me to face my own life. I found myself hiding from everyone  - you, Dave, myself.

I even hid from my children.

The past two years have taught me that I can control a lot: What I do. What I say. What I show the world. But feelings are stubborn. Making them go away is easy, but I'll be damned if I can figure out how to make them stay.

I know I've spent years waxing rhapsodic on my husband. On our marriage. On saying yes. On doing it right.

I meant every word. That was me trying to put in in its place.

This is me admitting defeat.

Note: I intend to keep comments open on this entry because your participation in my life thus far has been mission critical and I can't imagine discouraging it when I need it most. Please just understand that I'm the only one here up for grabs - disparage me any way you want and you'll be preaching to the choir - but even the tiniest slight toward David will be deleted post haste.

I also want to apologize for not having the balls to tell you this news in person if you're somebody who deserved to hear it that way. I tried, but I just didn't have it in me. I'm sorry.

Comments

[Jen]

I don't even know what to say. I honestly thought your link on Twitter was about something else... what, I don't know. But wow.

Big hugs to you.

[Janna]

Delurking simply because I must. I was shocked to read this, because I also see how important those two letters are, but am not ready/able to take that step. It makes me feel selfish and ungrateful for what I have to think of what I really want. I too have become very good at hiding, at showing the world a different "me". I wish you strength and peace and please know that there are so many people out there that you touch. Many blessings.

[Carrisa]

Like everyone else I am just stunned. I totally didn't see it coming. It seems silly to say I'm here for you if you need to talk, because I realize there are probably so many other people in your life you'd go to instead, but I still mean it.

Big hugs and I hope the best for all of you.

[Christie]

Not defeat.

I read this post with admiration. For your strength and honesty and the way you work through such struggles - head up and chin forward.

Very best wishes to you and your family in this tough time.

[Angella]

Oh, Amanda. I'm as shocked as everyone else, but also want you to know that we're all here to listen whenever you need us. Hugs.

[Mandi]

Having just gone through a divorce myself, I wanted to offer you my support and virtual-::hugs::. I married the man I dated since my freshman year of college -- we dated 7 years and were married for 3 -- and I filed for divorce at the end of last year. It was final this March. It was the most difficult thing I've EVER done in my entire life, but once I was *through* it, it has also been the BEST decision I ever made (for both of us). We grew SO far apart in the 10 years we were together. Our life goals are like night and day. And now we're both free to pursue those dreams. I'm wishing you all the best!

[Melissa]

I don't know what to say other than you're so brave to put this out there, and really, to take that step to begin with. "In" really is a big word in this context, there's no faking it. I wish you all the very best and, not in a voyeuristic way, look forward to hearing (reading) whatever else you have to share on the subject, if only to learn something from it. XO

[Kate]

I am so sorry to hear this news. I am just holding out a secret hope that a divorce will somehow make the unemployment/under employment/foreclosure easier to recover from or that it will be easier for you guys to get subsidies or help if you're single. But mostly I am just so, so sorry.

[Ginny H.]

I'm so sorry and admire your strength and courage to take this very difficult step. I do not know you or your family but as with internet "friends" I feel that I kinda do. So, many virtual hugs and concerned thoughts are coming your way.

[Lorinda Morey]

I love that you have chosen to be good to yourself. I too have been in that place where there was no in love. Big cyber hugs to you.

[Sally]

I'm sorry, and will be thinking of you all.

[Alias Mother]

As I recently said to some other internet stranger in the throes of marital sadness: the other side of this will be wonderful, I'm just really sorry you have to go through the awful to get to the other side.

Really.

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

Oh god. Amanda, I'm so sorry.

Life has been terribly unfair to you lately. I wish I could do more than offer reassurance that it must get better.

[Melissa C]

I don't know how to say this without sounding like a know-it-all. Here it goes: I have felt that in the last year or so your writing hasn't been quite the same. I don't know exactly what it was but this post is so raw and real that I feel like I am seeing the true Amanda again. I know this is difficult (I was divorced and am now remarried) but you will all come out stronger on the other side. Thank you for sharing with us.

[Tara Caffelle]

I could echo everything written above; I've ready every post for about 4 years, I admire you tremendously, and I *appluad* your strength and courage to keep looking for the IN. You deserve it, and so does David.

I'm going to try to pick my jaw up off the floor. Will be thinking of you all.

[CK]

Like everyone else who has commented, I am shocked and surprised, and wishing you nothing but warmth and comfort in this difficult time. You are strong, you have so much to offer the world - don't lose sight of that...despite how circumstances sometimes try to get us to think otherwise. Godspeed to you Amanda, your kids, Dave, and your heart.

[duchessbelle]

I'm so sorry. Sending good thoughts to you and your entire family.

[Rayne of Terror]

I'm stunned. You guys have had so much stress since you moved. Maybe it's the stress of the other things taking its toll and the marriage problem can be solved? I'm really, really shocked. Best of luck to you all.

[Janssen]

Your blog was one of the very first I started reading five years ago at my first desk job and, oh, I am sorry to hear this. Good luck!

[-Jen]

I am so sorry that this difficult journey is in the cards for you and your family. Your strength in the past has always been something that I admired, and I believe it will see you through this as well.

[LizP]

Oh my gosh Amanda, if I could I would drive up there and give you a hug! I have absolutely no experience these matters I can only send you virtual support from Oregon!

[Jonna]

I am so sorry. I hope you are able to put this terrible year behind you very soon.

[Procrastamom]

I'm so sorry Amanda. Just that. :(

[alison]

I'm sorry, Amanda, for you and your family. I wish all of you the best during this difficult time.

[janet]

Longtime reader, but rare that I comment, so I'm sure I am a stranger here on the blog. But wow, you are brave. And I just want to give you a big hug right now. Wishing the very best for you and your kiddos and Dave too.