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June 25, 2010

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Nancy

When this was first posted and I commented, I decided against adding any advice. After reading through all the replies - I decided I do want to add just one bit...

Taken from Dr. Phil (who I sometimes don't agree with, but do when it comes to divorce) 'are you really ready for divorce?' ... are both of you ready to throw in the towel? If one of you are still "in" & fighting for the marriage, then NO, your're not ready to be divorced.

Take it from a divorcee - marriage is H.A.R.D. W.O.R.K. Period. But life AFTER divorce SUCKS for a very long time, if not forever!!

Mine were young like your kids are, now they are 26 & 22, if only you could talk to them, they'd be able to give some insight to having joint parenting (not as cool as it sounds) - holidays being split @ 2 homes (cause that's how we thought it would work just perfectly) WRONG ANSWER. Oh! Try this one on for size - the kids have something @ school, you promise each other and THE KIDS, that you 2 will ALWAYS come together for them - guess what? One of you decide, you can't stand to look at the other that day, so only one parent is at the function. Who gets hurt? You, because your feelings are hurt? NOT. It's the kids who were promised this would never happen, BUT IT DOES.

It doesn't matter the reason for the seperation at this point, it matters if both of you are ready and if not, stay in the "game".

Sue

Manda - I'm sorry for your pain. I really like you and am rooting for you and hope that everything works out.

But also - what Stephen said.

Job loss, foreclosure, huge stress, some loss of respect, resulting ambivalent feelings - I get that. But have you thought about maybe trying separation first? NOW, during one of the most stressful periods of your life, is probably the worst possible time to be making huge life altering decisions like this. Slow it down if you can.

(People are assuming infidelity because "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is practically the Official Slogan of cheaters. You may be totally innocent but you SOUND like someone who is technically innocent of infidelity but who has "fallen in love" with someone else. You sound foggy. That's part of why you're running into skepticism here.)

shadymama

hope the transition comes gentle, full of grace and clarity. sending sweet sweet faeries to you, dave and the kiddos.
also-
i think you are brave.

Cole

I am sorry to read this. Wow.

J

I'm currently struggling with the "IN" aspect of the love in my marriage as well. and I haven't told my husband, yet. and I am scared. and confused. and I'm just not sure I want to. or can...at least not right now. not until *I* figure this out - somehow. I LOVE him dearly. but i'm not sure if im IN love with him...and oh, it makes me feel like a terrible person and the whole thing hurts like hell.

I wish you peace in all of this. I hope you all find what you need.

Laura

From 7 months ago:

On LOVE: say yes

The thing is, I've never loved my husband for his W-2. As generous as it was, even in the blinding brightness of 20-20 hindsight, it pales in comparison to how much I love simply having him here. I know I'm going to miss him when he goes to back to work (or when I do) and that's... strange. Especially since part of me so badly wants to miss him right now. So badly wants to kiss him goodbye and know I have the next eight hours (or 10, or 14, depending on his case load) to eagerly anticipate his return.

But the zeros on his paycheck don't matter; they never will. I keep telling him he should go become a park ranger or work at a gun shop or something. I just want him to be happy. I love my husband because he lets me be me. Hell, he encourages it. And in doing so, he makes me feel like the only woman on earth. I can count the number of times I've ever said no to my husband on one hand. Why would I say no to him?

Our love is hot and cold and far from perfect - is there even such a thing? But I'm pretty sure that if we know the secret to a strong marriage, it's this: SAY YES.

To everything you possibly can.

I say yes when the kids are napping. I say yes when they're downstairs watching Mythbusters. I say yes over the phone and by e-mail and if the old man ever figures out how to use his cell phone, I'll text him YES every day. I purr my yes on Saturday night and grumble it at 3AM on Tuesday, even when all I want to do is go back to sleep.

But I never regret it.

From our very first day, I knew I loved Dave because he felt like coming home. Thick and thin - and lord knows in nearly 15 years together, we've had our share of both - I still want to come home to him. I still can't wait for him to get home to me.

Because big house in the suburbs or not, DAVID is my home.

I may be worried as hell and biting my nails down to stubs, but when I'm lying in bed with two-day old makeup under my eyes, grease-slicked hair and Ramen-breath, blandly discussing the merits of broccoli salad and my husband interrupts me midstream to say "God, you're so beautiful," well, I know we're going to be okay.

Kathie

Boy, that came out of left field! I wish you and your family the strength to take it one step at a time and to forge ahead until the road becomes smoother again. You have more courage than I. **hugs** from a fan

Amy H

The hits. They keep on coming. So sorry to hear that you have had such a rough year. I hope this gives you the new start that you need to turn things around.
ALL THE BEST to you and the kids. I look forward to cheering you on from the sidelines.

Realsupermom

Amanda, I know we don't know the whole story, here. But I want to share with you my own experience. I got divorced from my first husband because I wasn't in love with him anymore. And in many ways, it WAS the best move I ever made. I'm very happily married to someone else now, and we have kids of our own. We're going on 8 years together now, and I really do love him SO much - I never had this kind of relationship with my first husband. Sounds like a happy ending, right? Well, only for me. My daughter from my first marriage is a teenager now, and she has SO MANY problems. She went between two houses for years and years and did poorly in school because she was so disorganized. She's so desperate for attention, she'll do ANYTHING to get it. She cuts herself and can't seem to make herself stop. She's in treatment for major depression, and it's becoming clear that almost all of her issues are directly related to our divorce, even though we tried to do ALL THE RIGHT THINGS for her when we split up. I had no idea she would feel abandoned by me. I thought I was doing the best thing for both of us - I thought I was showing her how to be a strong woman who doesn't settle for staying in a bad relationship. I thought I was preventing her from one day marrying someone who was passive aggressive and who would treat her like crap. Maybe all that will happen one day - I have no idea. What I can tell you for sure, is that I made her someone who feels like she wasn't important enough to fight for. I never, ever meant to do that. I tried NOT to do that, but that's what happened. And, as happy as I am now in my marriage and as much as I love my family, I would probably do things differently if I could go back in time. If I'd had any idea how much getting divorced was going to screw up my child, I would have tried harder to be happy with what I had.

Therese

Oh my God, Amanda. I am so, so sorry.

And I know exactly where you are. The "not in love" thing but you love Dave as a person.

You trying to "do it right" because -- that's what we're supposed to do.

I know, because I am exactly where you are -- my husband and I are coming to an end -- it's just a matter of when and the logistics of it -- but I do love him as a father to my (five) babies and as a person --

Just not as my husband.

And really, he does not love me as "his wife."

But this isn't about me -- it's about you and I thank you for having the courage to share all of this and I know you will be all right -- as a lurker to your blog and long-time fan of the Cashew Chicken, I know you have the strength and moxie and determination to make the next chapter in your life wonderful for you and your kids.

It gives me hope for my own situation as well.

Good luck, babe. I'll be here, reading and sending you good vibes.

Rachael

I'm sorry. No matter the reason(s), the end of a relationship like this just stinks. Especially when you still love the other person, and always will, but it's not enough. Big hugs to you.

Allison

Holy crap I just saw this.

I'm with all those who are saying WOW. And SHOCKED.


I'm very, very sorry. I wish you the very best as you make your way down this new path.

Danell

Thank you for sharing. You've been through SO MUCH STUFF lately. (I mean, you must be TOTALLY NUMB by now!Gah!) I hope that the tides turn soon and an equal amount of wonderful starts to happen for all of you. *hugs*

Sundry

Just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you must be going through. And I'm sorry people are treating your blog like a novel with a plot twist they don't agree with.

Kerri Anne

A hearty "Hallelujah, amen!" to Sundry's comment.

As we talked about this morning at brunch so many of these comments were hard for me to read. Because this is YOUR LIFE. The only one you have. And why would anyone assume they more than the tiniest sliver of truth about a marriage from a person's website?

It makes me ridiculously sad to hear so many people defend loveless marriages, and/or suggest you stay in one. What sort of life is that? For you, for Dave, for your kids?

The idea of staying in an unhappy marriage to say that you did, or because you promised, or because divorce isn't always pretty, and as you can see, people love to stand on their soapboxes and look down on you for it, makes me unbelievably sad. Because when each of us gets to the end of our one wild and precious life, we are all going to have regrets. But I'm damn sure going to make sure they are the right kinds of regrets.

I, for one, would rather walk around with a scarlet "D" on my chest, then stay in a marriage that could not work.

All of that to say: You are an amazing person, Amanda. And I am proud to call you a friend.

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