On Wednesday, Dave and I filed for divorce

Every divorce has its reasons, but mine can be explained with a single word.

I love David. I will always love David. But I'm not in love with him.

Two stupid little letters.

Sadly, in this case, small words matter. Some words weigh more than others and this one just got too heavy for me. The more I tried to forget about it, the heavier it got and the harder it was for me to face my own life. I found myself hiding from everyone  - you, Dave, myself.

I even hid from my children.

The past two years have taught me that I can control a lot: What I do. What I say. What I show the world. But feelings are stubborn. Making them go away is easy, but I'll be damned if I can figure out how to make them stay.

I know I've spent years waxing rhapsodic on my husband. On our marriage. On saying yes. On doing it right.

I meant every word. That was me trying to put in in its place.

This is me admitting defeat.

Note: I intend to keep comments open on this entry because your participation in my life thus far has been mission critical and I can't imagine discouraging it when I need it most. Please just understand that I'm the only one here up for grabs - disparage me any way you want and you'll be preaching to the choir - but even the tiniest slight toward David will be deleted post haste.

I also want to apologize for not having the balls to tell you this news in person if you're somebody who deserved to hear it that way. I tried, but I just didn't have it in me. I'm sorry.

Comments

[Inez Kelley]

*IN* is important and I wish you strength and happiness. Remember that you DO love him and strive for a healthy ending and a new beginning as YOU. *hugs*

[Rhi]

BIG HUGS to you. I'm a big fan of yours and am here with a big pitcher of Sangria whenever you need it.

[heidi]

I'm so sorry. I hope this transition is as painless as possible and the good comes swiftly. I know it is hard but good for you for making the hard decisions.

[jonniker]

I honestly just sat here with my mouth open for a good, solid two minutes, no exaggeration.

I really have nothing of consequence or value to add except that I am thinking of you, you have been a wonderful internet friend to me, and I am sending you love and warmth. All four of you. What a fucking year it's been.

[Jaime]

I'm really sorry to hear that. But sometimes we have to make really hard choices in order to get where we need to be. I hope you both can find what you are looking for.

[BethanyWD]

Like, Jonniker, a little bit of shock here. I'm not really sure what to say, but I wanted to say SOMETHING, ANYTHING to let you know that honesty always brings peace. I wish that for you as well.

[Melinda Handy]

Aw crap. You've had a most difficult year. Just know I'm wishing you all the very best right now. And I'm really hoping you find "in" someday when it is exactly right for you.

[Pati :)]

I've been reading your blog for a while now and just wanted to say I'm sorry. I don't know either of your personally, but I can only imagine the pain you must be in. I'm watching a dear friend go through it right now and it's been very hard for all parties involved. Please know that we will always be here for you. (((hugs)))

[Mamatucci]

I dont know you, I never comment.But as I sit here with tears in my eyes. It is with envy. Because you have the courage to say and do what i have felt for years. I hope you find what you need along this journey......

[David]

Wow, I'm very sorry to hear of it. I know that relationships don't always pan out the way everybody wanted, and I hope you two can figure out how to be great parents while not being a couple.

[typelittlea]

Sorry, this sucks for you, the house, the divorce, everything. You're going to have just live through this, and hopefully things will be better on the other side.

[Mandee]

I am so incredibly sorry, Amanda.

That's all I've got, but it is heartfelt.

[Kelly]

Woof. I wasn't expecting to hear that.

Divorce doesn't necessarily mean that either one of you is a bad person- just that you can't make things work.

I've been divorced once and married twice. I know that making things work is hard and admitting that they won't is even harder.

Hugs to all of you.

[Amber]

Wanna come over, see how dirty my house is, watch the kids play in the wading pool and not talk about anything you don't want to?

[NYCrystal]

Hi,
I am a longtime reader of your blog and am very sorry to hear your news. I have also been in the predicament of loving someone but not "in" love with that person. While I did manage to fall back in Love with my husband I can definitely see how it could've stayed that way and gotten ugly. I admire your courage of doing what seems right to you instead of staying in the comfortable. I am sorry about your marriage but happy for the new you that will emerge.

[Ahmielyn]

Oh, I am so very sorry you guys have to deal with this on top of everything else. I've been reading (lurking around) your blog for years; it was one of the first I started reading. I wish peace for your family.

[Erica]

I'm completely dumbfounded. I kept reading, waiting for the "psych!" to come, but there wasn't one.

I have no idea what to say. "I'm sorry" seems trite and "congratulations" seems douchey.

How about "I'm thinking of you and sending you warm thoughts?"

[Jen]

I'm so shocked. So sorry to read this.
I wish you all the best. For you, for Dave, and for your kids.

[Michelle Lussier]

I wish you all the best, invisible internet friend. You and your beautiful family deserve only that.

[Denise]

I'm so sorry for you.

My heart aches for what you must be going through.

Please take care of your self and your wonderful family, and know that you and Dave will both make it through this.

[Nancy]

Damn. Will be thinking of ALL of you.

[Kathy C.]

I must say I am more stunned at this moment than I can remember being in years. I wasn't prepared for that at all. I hardly every even comment on your blog, but read it daily and always look forward to your most recent posts. For now, I will just say you all are in my thoughts and most sincere prayers that everything all works out for the best. I admire you for so many reasons, Amanda. Which is to say, I am full of respect for you, concern for all of you, more than a little sadness. Please keep us informed about how you all are managing throughout this process. You both are wonderful parents and I know you both will do whatever's best for everyone concerned.

[cindy w]

Oh man. What a shitty year your family has had. I'm so, so sorry.

Take care of yourself.

[Arina]

This sucks, and it'll continue to for a while. I've been there, and my heart aches for you. Sending hugs and warm thoughts your way.

[Jennie]

I am just so sorry. There's nothing else to say. It's a small offer, I know, but if you need anything at all, please let me know.