On becoming more like my mother...

It's always interesting to see the fallout that occurs when I write about a topic that I usually keep to myself.  I'm not sure what it IS about ME, but I sure seem to really piss people off when I stray away from the mommy blogger track and write about something OTHER than my kids.  Like my awesome fellow-blogger Emily said, it's a good thing I have a thick skin!

(Also?  I banned my first non-stalker, non-spam IP address yesterday.  I feel like I'm very OPEN to disagreement on my website.  I like hearing opposing viewpoints since it often gives me a new perspective on things, but GOOD GRIEF when you consistently leave nothing but thinly-veiled spiteful negativity?  No thanks!  Go find a day job.)

I don't really want to focus too much more on this topic, but I've been living with Dave for almost TWELVE YEARS!  Don't you think if he was EVER going to pick up his socks, he'd be doing it by now?  Seriously?  THIS is what women get their panties in a twist about?  About SOMEONE ELSE'S husband being a slob?  I think most of yesterday's (sane) commenters have been reading long enough to know that I have at least HALF a brain in my head, so CLEARLY the man has other redeeming qualities.  Marriage is about trade-offs.  Picking up after my husband is a SMALL thing and something I mostly gave up on YEARS ago. 

One of the most bittersweet aspects to blogging is that when you read about someone's life every day, you start to feel like you KNOW that person.  I know this because I do it too.  Having met many fellow bloggers in real life, I think I can say with authority that yes, we actually ARE this awesome in real life, BUT it can be difficult to get a FULL picture of who a person is just based on what they write on their public blog.  Our lives are INFINITELY more complex than whatever slice we choose to share on the Internet on a given day.

So yesterday?  When people were all but accusing me of being a subservient man-pleasing shell of a wife?  All the people who know me in real life were LAUGHING THEIR BUTTS OFF.  Because seriously? Me?  Subservient?  Or even more hilariously, my Mother?  Teaching me that my place is in the kitchen?  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  and also?  HA.  My mother and I are both NOTHING if not completely and totally equal to our husbands.  My grandmother is no exception to that either.  I come from a long line of women with extremely well heard voices.

I also want to quickly address the idea of all work being equal.  It's just...not.  I know this is a big feminist hot button that everyone likes to throw around, but can't we just be honest here?  My husband's job is RIDICULOUSLY stressful.  The reason he got crabby with me the other day was because his mind was ELSEWHERE, wrapped up in a big nasty mediation he was preparing for in which he was defending an 86 year old man from an aggressive lawsuit.  (And again he IMMEDIATELY apologized when he remembered what he said.)  I think if we all step back and think rationally about it, we can agree, in theory at least, that that isn't even remotely the same level of stress or difficulty as, say, cleaning my house before a play date or teaching my kids how to write the number eight.  

No one is saying that my job as a MOTHER is not equally as important as my husband's job as a lawyer.  Not at all.  What I am saying, though, is that I would NOT want to trade places with my husband.  We are each uniquely suited to our respective jobs, only the job I happen to have right now is A LOT less painful than my husband's job is. 

Do you think Michelle Obama is ever going to complain that her husband doesn't help her out enough?  I'm not saying Dave's job is as stressful as being the president, but I am saying that not all jobs are created equal when it comes to stress.  Part of MY job as the keeper of the home front is to lessen that stress as much as I can so that Dave can enjoy the time he does get to spend with the family.  This is what MY mother did and I've told her on multiple occasions that I think it was the right thing to do. 

I could write VOLUMES about my own father (I'm actually starting to think I want to write a book about him, maybe with some help from my siblings), but for much of my early childhood he was gone working.  He would spend weeks at a time in Japan and even when he was around, he was either working or thinking about work or I was under his secretary's desk playing with office supplies while he worked.  My mother, meanwhile, busted her butt to make sure we never noticed.

Because of her, I had no reason to ever believe there was anything WRONG with that.  Much like my military wife example from yesterday, my mother has always been my father's number one supporter.  Even when he couldn't be there for her and she was home alone for long stretches of time with four unruly children, my mother rarely if ever complained.  You know why?  Because she had NOTHING to complain about.  That was the life she HAPPILY chose.  Just like THIS is the life I've chosen.  By not complaining and by happily and enthusiastically keeping the home front under control, my mother preserved my relationship with my father.  Instead of feeling like I grew up with an absent, never-there, workaholic father, I grew up respecting a great man whose work ethic and ingenuity will be the benchmark of my family for generations to come.  My father has only my mother to thank for that. 

Eventually my father was able to work fewer hours and become a huge presence in my life, particularly during my later teenage years.  I think Dave and I both share the same hope for our family, that right now he's paying his dues and eventually things will get easier.  I'll go back to work, the kids will be in school, we'll somehow find a more reasonable family balance.  But if I keep complaining about this situation, which, aside from the socks (which, honestly, barely bother me anymore) is mostly out of our control, I'm going to sew some pretty nasty seeds of resentment over the next few years.  I don't want to live like that.  I also don't want that for my kids.  If my mom had spent my early years complaining about my father being away too much or not helping her out, that would've poisoned any chance we had of becoming closer once his situation changed and we finally got to spend more time together. 

[Also?  THANKS MOM!  I know I don't say it often enough!]

Behind (or in my case and my mother's case BESIDE) every great man there is a great woman.  Well, yesterday's post was just a little brain exercise I needed to remind myself that I need to work on being THAT woman.  Complaining about insignificant household chores is exactly that: insignificant.  I resolve to stop doing it.

Comments

[Janssen]

Although I didn't comment, I thought yesterday's post was excellent and it really inspired me to stop being such a whiner to my husband as well. There is nothing degrading about being a pleasant spouse. . . .I wonder why so many people think it is. Anyway thank you for your post; too bad about the fallout.

[jonniker]

That whole shitstorm yesterday was just plain weird and wildly inappropriate. I'm all for disagreement, but man, there were a lot of people projecting their own envy and unhappiness right onto you. I was pretty peeved on your behalf.

[jen]

that's not my cup of tea... not how my husband and i choose to live our lives, but i guess if it works for you who are we to complain?
it would sure drive me crazy though! in my little corner of the world i'm a stay at home MOM- not a stay at home housewife--- my husband has an equal share of the house duties. my time at home is for the kids- not the house. but that's what works for us.

[allie]

could not have said it better myself... and todays replies also.

[Melissa]

Uh, I think I missed a hailstorm... heading over to check out comments. You inspired me to quit my complaining, too. It isn't going to change, I'm going to sow seeds of resentment and bitterness, and my DH has tons of redeeming qualities (not the least of which is working his tush off so I can stay home with our kids). It's a crazy life, but it's a wonderful life. Did I just get that some some TLC show? :-)

[Jamie]

I didn't comment yesterday because, well, the comments were pissing me off, and by the time I got ready to post my own comment, I'd lost what I was going to say about your post and I hate being that angry commenter writing about other commenters rather than what you wrote about.
Anyway...
I'm in a very similar situation as yours and having very similar feelings and I think you put the situation in perspecitve for me. Thank you.

[Melissa]

Hee hee... some people are so uptight and clearly type before they think.

Love the review on the Cashew Chicken in your sidebar... been trying to talk myself into making it because lots of stuff (like mirin) I don't keep in the pantry.

Keep telling it like it is. There are more of us who agree with you and understand where you're coming from than random venty-turn-it-into-a-gender-roles-crap people. Sometimes the way it is (or was?) is really the way it works best for some familes, regardless of "equality".

FWIW, my DH does the papertowel thing, too. Only he dries his hands and then drapes it back over the papertowel holder. ARRGH. :-)

[michelle b]

Good post! I still don't get all the negativity about yesterday. Frankly, I thought it was a little ridiculous. After all no one is forced to read your blog. If they don't like it, they shouldn't spend time on it.
Michelle

[laura]

ahh sorry you got some whacked comments, i wonder why people just can't read and not be so hateful. anyways i feel like sometimes it is only HUMAN To complain about crap and mostly the daily grind kinda stuff. hugs and keep up the awesome blog :)

[Erica]

I, too, read yesterday's post and didn't comment. Frankly, some of the other commenters scared the bejeesus out of me.

However, I just wanted to leave a friendly comment to tell you that I really enjoy your blog and regardless of whether or not I agree with what your write, I'll keep coming back for more.

[cindy w]

I didn't comment yesterday, and did think that some of the comments there were a little whacked out. I agree with all that you're saying about trying to be pleasant about taking care of the house, and yeah of course being a SAHM is less stressful than being a lawyer. My husband gets crazy stressed about his job too, so I try to make it easier by taking care of as much as I can, but he does have a few basic chores that he's responsible for (dishes, trash, etc.). That's what works for us.

The only issue I had with yesterday's post was just the rudeness in the way that he snapped at you and made it sound like you do nothing but sit on your ass all day. I get that he was stressed out, and I'm glad he apologized, that's great. But between that comment and him repeating how much he hates your hair, it just feels like maybe he should be a little more respectful in the way he talks to you. Of course there's more that goes on in a marriage than what meets the eye (or um, meets the blog?), but the impression that I - and presumably other readers - get from what you've written about him is that Dave seems a little... well, mean. I know that if my husband ever spoke to me like that, even if he apologized, it would probably take weeks for me to get over it. (At the same time, I once blogged about one of our very minor arguments, and he demanded that I delete it and then stayed pissed at me for days.) So, you know, I guess people have different standards for what constitutes acceptable behavior.

Um... I'm not sure what my point is here. Just that I had that initial, "holy crap, he said WHAT?" reaction, but you seem to be ok with it, so it's really none of my (or anyone else's) business.

[Julie]

Your post makes sense, but I do feel that a man would regret working so much. It makes me wonder how your Dad feels about missing out on so much family time when you were young. I just listened to an interview with an older man on the radio talking about how much he wishes that he didn't spend so much time working when his kids were young. My husband also works a lot of hours, but he makes a lot of time for the kids. When they were younger he would come home for a few hours before bed time and then head back to work. I guess I figure that life's too short to be constantly stressed out with work.

[Colleen]

I'm another one that usually just reads your blog and doesn't comment. I just had to say that its easy for others to judge. Everyone has an opinion about how someone else is living their lives but how do they feel when they're told negative comments about their own lives? If you didn't want to live the life you live, you wouldn't. There is obviously plenty of things that you adore about Dave that outweigh the annoying things. No one is perfect by any means. We just need to decide what we're willing to deal with.

[Ali]

I didn't know what to say yesterday - or today either, for that matter. I just completely agree with you.

[AmyH]

I didn't comment yesterday because I am not a stay at home mom so I don't know what it is like to be in your situation. But I wanted to comment today to say that I think it is BS when people are critical of others ON THEIR OWN BLOG.

It's one thing to share best practices or relate to people by sharing your own experiences but it is entirely different when people are insulting. It is really not any of their business how you run your marriage, your home or your children.

I know the commenters from yesterday probably made this less likely, but I hope that you will continue to write posts like this--that reveal more about yourself and your inner struggles--because they are compelling posts.

hang in there, not that I think you are even remotely letting it get to you.

[Gigi]

I'm a stay-at-home Mom of a workaholic husband who gets home really late every night and doesn't have time to help around the house at all (save for doing the dishes on the weekends and clearing the yard of dog poo). I am also a former public defender, so I get that my husband's job is much harder than what I do all day (although 30 minute long tantrums might give his bad days a run for their money).

I really loved your post today. It inspires me to try to be supportive and easy (heh) even when I don't feel it because I'm tired and all that jazz. I am really, truly happy, I just need to be a little better at keeping sight of that amidst the loud kids and crazy bedtimes and long days without him when he's away on business. Kudos to your Mom as well, it sounds like she did a great job.

[Tiffany A]

I think that people need to also realize that this is like an online diary for you and every post does not require comments (maybe you could turn that part off of some blog posts?) I have never posted on here but I love your posts and love how honest you are. I had a dream about you(no I am not a wierdo) but we were sitting and having drinks and when I woke up I thought WHOA I have never even met this women but I look at your blog everyday and find it very inspirational. Thanks Amanda!

[Callie]

I think people get their panties in a wad way too easily these days. The economy’s in the crapper, we’re in two wars, etc. etc. and this is what people get mad about? The life decisions of someone they don’t even know in real life? Dude. I mean, I know when you put your life out there for public consumption, you’re inviting a certain level of judgment from people, but I bet we all do things in our own lives that would horrify the internet if they knew about them.

[Alias Mother]

As someone who occasionally disagrees with you in your comments (politely, I hope) or just comes at things from a different perspective (again: politely, I hope) I value that you allow discussion. I think it's healthy and I sure learn a lot. In my experience you are extremely generous and respectful with all those who think a little differently, so for someone to get banned, I know they must have been a real pain in the patoot. So, bravo for not taking the crap. You don't deserve it.

Also (because I am incapable of writing a comment that's less than two paragraphs), I don't think it's anything about YOU that brings this out. It's just that these are interesting discussions and people have things to say about it. In real life, if we were sitting around drinking wine and having this chat, we'd all be on equal turf and able to throw our stories around with abandon. But here, it's more like you present your side and then we all react. So you become our case study for the bigger issues underlying the comments. Which probably feels like we are putting your life under a microscope, but in reality it's just because that's what we are using as our jumping off point to dive into our own opinions on staying home/spousal relations/work equality.

Good heavens, why can't I shut up?

[JMH]

Unfortunately, the blogosphere has become very mean and judgemental lately. I actually quit reading most of my favorite blogs for a while, because I was so sick and tired of all of the negativity in the comments. I was much happier for those few weeks. I have slowly started to ease back in to them, but I may have to stop again. I find it interesting how blunt people are under the anonimity (sp?) of the Internet. I truly hope that these people who leave such negative comments wouldn't say these things in a face-face situation. Ugh!

[Yoko]

Hi! First time to comment! Just wanted to say that I totally agree with "Part of MY job as the keeper of the home front is to lessen that stress as much as I can so that Dave can enjoy the time he does get to spend with the family."
I love your blog and am looking forward to more :)

And I also wanted to add that you can use Mirin when to make Teriyaki sauce and other Japanese recipes to put a bit of sweetness in the dish, so it's worth the investment if you're planning on making more asian-inspired dishes!

[lolismum]

Amanda, I work full time outside of the house, and I do exactly the same job as my husband. Not only I have a college education, I have two MAs and a PhD. And I have a full time nanny during the day, and a housekeeper once a week. You know what, I still do all the cooking, all the laundry, most of the picking up, all the errands/bills/shopping. Some of it is about ability, I am simply better and more efficient about these things. Some of it is comfort level, my husband could not care less about piles of stinking laundry, it bothers me to see the pile grow. He waits until the kids to go to bed to tidy up toys, I sometimes break down and do it before, because I cannot stand the mess. And boy do we have lots of resentment floating around sometimes. And I heard you loud and clear in your last post. I think the woman in a relationship always gets screwed a bit, especially after the kids arrive. It happens at every tax bracket and it's your right to complain about it and find solutions to make yourself happier. Screw the naysayers. Waiting for someone to pick up after themselves for 12 years and resenting them is a lot harder than just thinking of rainbows and unicorns while you pick up after them for a couple of minutes.

[OMSH]

Great encore.

BRAVO!

More Rainbows and Unicorns!

[LizP]

Stepping over here from your other blog ... you didn't mention the fact that since you are at home with the kids that gives Dave the ability to work his hiney off and be secure in the knowledge that his kids are well taken care of. I think it's a trade off. And clearly one that you are ok with.

And if you can't have a little whine with your gal pals (even if it is on the internet)???

[Ariel]

Oh you are too awesome.
You're right, I feel like I know you just from reading. I suppose a few years ago that would be creepy and weird, but it's the truth now!

I am far from a SAHM, 1, no kids, 2, will not be married for another 8 months. I have, however, been living with my fiance since last December and it's slightly humorous how we slipped into the division of labor roles. We both work, but he makes more than I do. I work a lower level of his job and go to school. I sometimes resent that he just has a full time job, whereas I have a full time job and a full time classload. I come from a family with two working parents, he comes from a VERY traditional family with a VERY conservative mother. I'm pretty sure his father doesn't know how to boil water, but that wasn't his "role". I'm glad that in 2009 my fiance can recognize that I won't be happy staying at home and I'm glad he respects that. I do hope that we are in a position when our children are young that one of us can be home for them, but only time will be able to tell.
In any case, I love your blog =) If people want to pass judgment, let them take it somewhere else.