Gastric Bypass Surgery, Part 9 of [Many]

On Food:

Two weeks ago, I had some ground beef in the freezer and decided the weather was perfect for making a pot of chili.  So I did.  And it was good.  And I literally ate three bowls of chili every day until it was gone.  I would wake up, eat my normal breakfast and then by around 10:00, I'd be starving again and make myself a bowl of chili.

And then I'd have another one for lunch.  And another one either for dinner or as an after dinner/pre-bedtime snack.  Sometimes both.

Finally I ran out of chili and had to put it on the menu again.  I made an even more obscenely-sized pot the second time around and just finished the last of it last night. 

A serving of chili for me consists of about 1.5 cups of chili with about a quarter cup of cold sour cream.  It's rich, but healthy and I cook the (extra lean) meat separately and drain the fat and always add about a half dozen shredded carrots to the pot with the onions, so it has some veggies in it.

Anyway, now I'm done with chili until next year.  I don't even want to LOOK at chili.  And this is my regular food pattern.  I get a craving for something, I act on it, I eat it until I'm sick to death of it and then I shelve it for a while.  The only food I consistently crave is my morning oatmeal; it's been my breakfast of choice for over five years.  (I make one packet drowned in milk, cook it for a minute and then dump another dry packet on top of it.  I can't finish the bowl without getting sick (so I never finish it), but this is what I eat every. single. day.)

The best thing about having weight loss surgery is the most unexpected thing and the thing I think MOST post-ops get bass-ackwards: I DON'T WATCH WHAT I EAT.  I don't pay attention.  I don't count calories and I never EVER restrict myself.

I eat WHATEVER I WANT, WHENEVER I WANT IT. 

I will never go on another diet again for the rest of my life.

And here's the thing: THIS WORKS ridiculously well.  If you ask people who are naturally thin (like Gwyneth Paltrow, who LOVES to eat, but stays thin), this is also how they eat.  NOT restricting yourself is the key.  Eating until you're full, and not one single bite more, is the way to maintain your weight.  My diet is mostly junk.  I love junk food.  I'm addicted to junk food and I eat it every day.  But I only eat it in moderation and I ALSO eat plenty of good stuff, including a delicious, all-natural homemade dinner almost every night (see my sidebar). 

So my diet is FAR from perfect, but it works for me. 

Halloween is a perfect illustration of the way the surgery has worked for me.  I LOVE candy.  I eat it every day.  Normally, though, I'll eat maybe one or two pieces and then I'm done.  I stop.  I just... don't want any more.  I think this MIGHT be how "normal" people feel about candy.  They like it and they eat it in moderation and then they stop thinking about it. 

Obese people?  HELL TO THE NO.  When I was heavy and there was candy in the house, I would eat it until it was gone.  And if I wasn't eating it? I was THINKING about eating it.  It was THERE and I knew it and I would spend days, natch, WEEKS punishing myself over my inability to control myself.  I never EVER felt full and as soon as the candy was gone, I would just buy more.  I felt much the same way about cheeseburgers.  And Hagen-Daas.  And everything else.

The best part of having gastric bypass surgery and why I think it works so much better than dieting is that, if you're doing it right, you lose that internal dialogue.  The one that distinguishes between what you "should" be eating and what you WANT to eat.  I have these vivid memories of walking into a restaurant when I was heavy and reading the menu and REALLY REALLY wanting something "bad" like a cheeseburger or the fettuccine Alfredo, but also seeing that they had healthier choices that I "should" eat and feeling like being fat was always LOSE-LOSE.  You lose if you eat what you WANT and you lose if you eat what you SHOULD.

Now WANT and SHOULD are completely the same for me and that battle is over, literally for the rest of my life.  I order what I want and I naturally eat the amount of it that I should.  WIN-WIN.

On my body:

The big caveat to everything I just wrote is acceptance.  BODY acceptance.  This is the hardest part for most post-ops. 

After I had Alex, I got back to my starting weight within a week and then I continued to lose weight.  My lowest-ever post-gastric-bypass surgery weight was 165 pounds.  I was a perfect size ten and it was lovely.  I was also only that weight for about three weeks, during which time I was a) nursing b) insanely busy and c) painting our condo from top to bottom for 7 hours a day, every day of the week (I took two weeks paid vacation to do it and my mom continued to watch Alex for me).  It was hard to eat during that time because the condo was empty (we hadn't moved in yet) and my hands were always all painty.

I even remember my thinnest day: the day I qualified for life insurance.  I weighed 165 pounds when I stepped on the scale with all my clothes on.  It was awesome.

But then we moved in and I started to cook more again and by the time Alex was a year old, I stopped pumping breast milk and even though I was still nursing him, my milk production probably dropped by half and I started to gain weight again.  By the time Alex was 18 months old, I had gained 20 pounds and weighed 185 pounds.  A lot of that was stress weight I had from quitting my job and my entire life changing so drastically.

But as far as post-ops go, it was TOTALLY NORMAL.

Of course at the time I thought it was the end of the world.  But I STILL didn't want to diet.  I mostly just cut out my See's Candy addiction for a few months and managed to get back down to about 178 pounds. 

Then it was time for us to start trying to get pregnant again and I had Genoa.  I think I gained around 40 pounds with her pregnancy (none of which happened in the first trimester).  It took me several months to lose the weight again, but I'm back to my pre-pregnancy size and have been for over two years.

I weigh 180 pounds.

Now, to a THIN person that probably sounds IMMENSE.  I'm 5'7" and it's still a lot to weigh.  It's a man weight, not a girl weight.  But let me remind you what I USED TO weigh: 309 pounds.  To an obese person?  Anything under 200 pounds is the fricking HOLY GRAIL of weight loss.  I might as well be wearing a size 2.

Of course, I'm NOT in a size two.  I'm a happy size 12/14.  My body is far from perfect.  Far.  It's even a far cry from my lowest weight of 165 pounds, but still, I LOVE IT.

Let me repeat that for the people in the back: I LOVE my 180-pound size 14 body.  LOVE. IT.

I get to eat whatever I want at this weight and I'm not sure if you've noticed a theme here or not, but I?  LOVE TO EAT.  I will happily stay a size 14 for the rest of my days if it means I can nosh on mini snickers and eat four bowls of chili with sour cream every day and not have to worry about it.  The truth is that I don't want the HASSLE of being any thinner than I am.

I am happy just how I am.

I won the biggest battle I've ever had with myself.

But again, not all post-ops have this attitude.  They think they're still fat.  They diet (oh god do they diet!), but it rarely works and they end up right back on the train they were on before surgery.  The guilt/remorse/emotional eating train that leads right back to being fat again. 

If you take one thing from the thousands of words I've written on this subject, take this: Dieting DOES NOT WORK. 

Yes, I had to have major surgery to fix my over-eating, but it was the best thing I ever did for myself.  It was a CHOICE.  Just like a diet, it took WORK and energy and commitment.  It was dangerous and risky and definitely NOT the easy way out.  It took balls.  I know plenty of morbidly obese people who desperately want to lose weight, but will never take the steps to get surgery, even though it would work for them.  It would help them lead healthier, happier, more fulfilled LONGER lives.  But they are afraid.  And for the most part, I'm not talking about your run-of-the-mill fear of death or needles or the hospital.  I'm talking about fear of success.  Fear of failure.  Fear of finally finding out what it's like to not have a crutch anymore.

Having gastric bypass surgery was the best decision I ever made.

Comments

[lydia]

You know, you are seriously an inspiration to me. You go for the gusto more than anyone i have ever encountered. You have your bad days or weeks or whatever, but dammit you just enjoy the HELL out of your life. I think about you a lot, when i am stuck in self pity or self hatred. I would look a lot like you do, at 180, though currently i am over 200. I honestly don't care about my size, but it does affect my fertility, so it does have to change. Thank you for sharing that with us here.

[laura]

i would love to know your experiences with the "dumping side effect"? i have only had it occur a couple times and by complete surprise once from soup, but anyways have you had any other complications from the surgery? thanks again for such an awesome site !

[taylor k.]

Hey, i love your blog!

I am about 2 1/2 months post-op myself. I haven't tried to eat candy or sweets yet because my doctor has me terrified of "dumping syndrome" where your body basically dumps insulin and makes you super sick because your smaller stomach can not digest the sugar before it gets routed to your intestines. I have heard that this is just temporary and that people who are several years post op can eat sugar without side effects.

so, my question is.... when did you start eating sugar again and did you ever experiance "dumping syndrome"?

Thanks!

[Jenn]

Amanda, thank you for sharing your story so honestly! As everyone else has said, your self-acceptance is an incredible example for all women. And you look beautiful for it :)

My question is what you consciously teach your children about eating habits. Are you worried about their predisposition to obesity? Is it something you talk about as a family? Do you talk about portion control and activity? Do you do anything to limit their consumption of sweets or junk foods, knowing that they don't have the same control that you do? And what are your plans for talking to them about your surgery, especially your daughter?

That said, what an awesome role model she has in your self-acceptance! She is already ten steps ahead of the game.

[christina]

What an awesome post. I stumbled upon you somehow and I've really enjoyed the posts.

I, too, had gastric bypass, about 4.5 years ago. I am 5'7" and weighed 400 lbs. It took me about 2 yers to get to my stable weight of 160#. It puts me in about a 6/8 (I'm proportioned weird and have a ton of extra skin - which I wish I didn't have).

I had a son 1.5 years ago. I gained about 30lbs with him and I, too, lost it really quickly and was back into my pre-pregnancy clothes very quickly. I was not able to breastfeed (my milk never came in, but we still 'nursed' for comfort for a good 6 months). The doctors all assumed it was due to WLS but hearing that you did...

At any rate, I feel very much the same as you do. I eat what I want, stop when I'm full, and it's all good. The only difference is that I still do not eat sugar. I never wanted to open that door (sweets were a big issue for me before). I dumped a few times pretty early on (hidden corn syrup got me) and that's just one thing I never wanted back into my life. It makes things a bit more complex but I just cook or make whatever I want and used substitutes.

It's really awesome to hear someone who's like me, who isn't a crazy dieter or who hasn't totally reversed the effects of WLS.

It's been a lot of work to get where I am now, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

[Jennifer]

This totlally makes me think differently about my size. I am 5'6" and was 306 but am down to 180 today. I was at 170 and am trying to get back to that but I see it now in a different light. I WAS 306!! Now I can shop in a regular department and am a happy 12. I guess we all need to concentrate on the good today instead of always looking for something better.

[Nadine]

You rock! I couldn't have said it better myself. I'm a happy size 16--it's a hell of a lot better than the size 24 I started out at.

[Carrie]

This blog is great and I really am needing it right now.. but I have to admit, when Kristy said, "I wouldn't say having surgery is hard work" maybe someone has no clue. I was 371 a year ago July, and had surgery. Between throwing up anything I ate, the inability to move til your healed, trying to get in the vitamins and protein a persons body needs to survive and keep a persons hair, as the surgery can cause your hair to go as well. The person is changing their life 100% and given a tool to help. I plateaued alot and for many weeks at a time, and if anyone thinks depression isn't a huge factor in this surgery, they are sorely mistaken. You think to yourself.. here I have had the "cure all" surgery and I even failed that. I lost 135# in a year, I work out(strength training) every other day and walk every day. I measure my food and am taking in about 4 - 5 oz per meal max. I watch everything that I eat, my poor husband has been through the mill with so much of the food we now eat being vegetables. I'm at a weight that many people have this surgery at and I'm losing faith. I haven't lost a pound in about 3 months. Everything I read is.. simply expend more than you take in. It's just not that simple. I am not sorry I had this surgery, but it is NO picnic. I have read and read and read. If anyone needs help on protein suppliments, vitamins, .. BIOTIN.. Read Read Read on how to keep your hair. Imagine being depressed and then clumps of hair in your brush daily. READ about how often alcoholism is a side effect of this surgery. I'm a nervous eater.. I know this... I tell myself, don't grab to food drink your protein, work out and then see how your feeling. This is not an easy fix at all. I am going to see a psychiatrist, to fix the reasons I ate or eat in the first place is the only way I can see out of this. This is hard work, and a daily fight. No one told me when I signed up, that in almost to the 1 year date, your mind and eating wants would be back. Also, Don't let your self be mislead. I did not work out like a maniac the first 6 months... for one reason. I was scared to death of losing the weight so fast as women I saw on TV did, and the excess skin they have hanging off of them .. well honestly it is terrible. I'm 42 so I'm not terribly old nor young but I wanted to lose this weight a bit slower, I knew self image was going to be terrible for me if my breast was below my belly button and flat as the girls was on tv. I want to lose 70 more pounds so that I can enjoy my family, but I don't have money for plastic surgery on every part of my body and I now live every day with that depression when I look in the mirror at the skin on my body. When you've been fat for a long time, your not going to look tight and firm when you lose 100 pounds, much less the 200 I had to lose. If anyone has input or help for me, I could use the help.

Thanks, Carrie (I'm not proof reading this and I'm not a typer so beware) cbg31@hotmail.com.. I really could use some help.

[mommyknows]

You look fan-freakin-tastic and I have a whole new appreciation for my 5'8" 182lbs body.

Thank you.

[PT-LawMom]

You look awesome. I, too, am a size 14 after gastric bypass in 2001 and I, too, can eat whatever I want. Hooray. The only thing I would warn you about is your vitamins. A lot of young gastric bypass patients (like myself and Melting Mama) are suffering with neuropathy related to vitamin deficiencies after gastric bypass. Both MM and I are 30. We both had babies after gastric bypass. Despite taking vitamins regularly, we both have major deficiencies and body pain. Coincidence? Um, I'm thinking not. So be careful, take your vites, make sure your blood gets tested regularly and, most of all, good luck!!! :)

http://ptlawmom.com/2008/12/01/drugged/

[Lap Band]

Great post! I have enjoyed reading about your story and weight loss with lapband surgery. The surgery has its ups and downs, but if it is followed with the direction of a qualified physician the results are amazing.

Congratulations on your weight loss!

[Janet Strunk]

Amanda,
I found your post about a month ago. Girl you are an inspiration and really started me thinking postive about gastric bypass surgery. I've lost the 100# on medifast 19 years ago and gained all back and more. I'm now diabetic, arthritis, high blood pressure and all the medications that go with it. Talked to my doctor and he was all for it. He had a previous patient on diaylisis and needed to loose for a kidney transplant. She did terrific. He, well as you recommended a weightloss clinic. There is only one in NW Arkansad. I have my first appointment tomorrow. After reading your blog, I know I have a long way to go and it will be tuff. I just want to feel better and feel like doing things again. Everyone I talked to that did have a gastric bypass around here said they are glad they did, because they all feel better. Thank you so much for your inspiring posts and the truth of what this is all about.
janet

[Katie]

I had my bypass in october of 2006 when i was 19 years old. I am now closing in on 22 years this july. My preop weight was 283lbs - I now and for the last year and a half have been between 95-104 lbs. I agree with the statment that you can "eat whatever you want"... i live on my own and never cook. I eat things like grilled cheese,chips,cookies,candy, ectra - very rarely do i eat anything "good for me." The downfalls to my bypass have been turning anorexic and bulemia which led to lots of hospitalizations (when i was lucky enough to have insurance)... losing all of my natural teeth IN MY 20s!!... and having my gallbladder removed, kidney stones and other kidney issues, constipation, and horrific acid reflux disease which i NEVER had a day in my life before my surgery.

[Melissa]

Hi,

I had the surgery a week and a half ago, and though I know it is still early days... I have been more depressed than I ever have been. Even as a very fat person who had not had weight loss surgery. Sorry that might be confusing, what I mean is that I was way happier and had better self esteem before the surgery than I do now. Which is bumming me out in itself.

I love to cook and to eat and I have been feeling like I will never do either of them again... and your blog has just made me cry a little bit and realize that everything is going to be ok.

I don't want to be thin, in fact the idea grosses me out, but I do want to be healthy, and I think that you have just made me realize that the way I am feeling is ok.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Also you look gorgeous and I am so so happy for you and your husband for being the parents of such adorable children!

Congratulations on everything, and again thank you for making me not want to cry out of sadness and desperation.

[Angela]

"I LOVE my 180-pound size 14 body. LOVE. IT."
After reading that line I had to stop and grab a box of tissues because I was sobbing. I've never seen someone with the same weight as me with so much confidence, life and happiness.
I was feeling pretty down when I came across this article but now I'm encouraged to do my best to just be happy and to be me.
Thank you, really thank you so so much!