One Lucky Bitch

Here's my Blogging for Books entry. It's my first attempt, so be kind.

I don’t talk much about this here, because, well, it’s embarrassing, but I used to be fat. Not “I need to lose 20 lbs” fat or “I can’t fit into my jeans anymore” fat. I was really fat. In fact, at 296 pounds, I was “super morbidly obese”. I used to think I never looked a pound over 250, but I know better now. I’ve seen the pictures.

It’s not like I was really ever a thin, thin person. On my wedding day over 6 years ago, I weighed 218. I remember it well. I thought I was HUGE in my size 18 dress. Things went downhill from there. We had moved away from home and had a series of falling-outs with my family and even some with each other. On top of that we were broke, deep in debt and struggling to finish our degrees. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t happy. I felt isolated and alone. I filled the void, and my mouth, by eating.

And eating.

And eating.

My obsession went from the innocent “I just really love food” to the obscene “I must gorge myself at every possible opportunity”. I was in crisis. I tried everything to lose weight. You name it; I’ve tried it. Food was my best friend and my worst enemy. It was all I ever thought about. I felt like a drug addict – always thinking about my next fix of cheeseburgers and Hagen Daas.

And then, still in the throws of my struggle, it came time for us to start planning a family. I was only 24, so I thought all you had to do to get pregnant was to play a few rounds of hide the salami. Right? I went off the pill and we tried. Month after month we were disappointed. Which I handled pretty well. By eating. Finally I went to the doctor. It turned out I had polysystic ovary syndrome. I had simply gotten too fat to ovulate. It was like my body decided on its own that I wasn’t fit for parenthood. It was the ultimate slap in the face.

Knowing that each new diet was a losing battle, I decided to do something much more drastic and permanent. I had gastric bypass surgery. Yeah. It’s that stomach stapling surgery. Yeah. It’s the same one that Carnie Wilson had. And Al Roker. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That one.

On my last day of real food before the surgery, I ate 6 donuts, a tall orange juice, 2 Hostess cupcakes, a bag of Skittles, 3 taco supremes, 2 burritos, 2 nachos, a large Mountain Dew, and an entire Cattlemen’s steak dinner complete with appetizer, baked potato, all-you-can-eat salad, 2 margaritas and mud pie. Oh, and in my handy-dandy food journal, I made sure to note that I rode my bike all three blocks to Taco Bell that day for lunch!

My first post-op “meal” three weeks later consisted of a single wedge of Laughing Cow cheese. One. Single. Wedge.

Needless to say, adjusting to my new plumbing wasn’t easy. Sure, I was losing weight – it is one of the delightful side effects of starvation. But I was miserable! One night Dave brought home Oreos, and even though he cowered away in the office to eat them, I pitched a fit and started screaming at the top of my lungs. I hadn’t eaten ANYTHING in THREE weeks and here he was shoveling cookies down his gullet in my presence!!

Eventually I forgave him. My stomach slowly healed and I was able to eat solid food again – albeit only in half-cup quantities at first. I started diligently tracking every bite of food I ate and working out five times a week – often with a personal trainer. I was a model patient. I adapted well.

I lost 100 pounds in 6 months.

And by then I was 2 months pregnant.

We were happy – duh! – but also totally freaked out. What if I can’t eat enough to sustain the pregnancy? Will the baby be okay? I was supposed to wait no less than a year before even THINKING about getting pregnant after my surgery and here I was at only 4 months post-op!

It took me until the third trimester, but I gained weight. A whopping twenty pounds! My pregnancy was text-book healthy and our perfect 8 pound, 13 ounce boy arrived eleven days late. Everyone had worried over nothing.

He’s almost a year old now and I’m down 131 pounds. At a size 10, I’m not skinny by any stretch of the imagination, but I’m certainly not fat. I guess the word I’m looking for here is healthy. I’m healthy now. I eat like a normal person. I can dance again, and run, and probably even roller-skate. If you met me now, you’d never know I used to be that fat girl.

The biggest change? I take nothing for granted. I’m constantly reminded of the important things in life – like having enough room to wipe my ass in a public restroom or sitting through an entire movie at the theater without getting a bruise on my hip. I’m not sweaty all the time. I can paint my own toenails.

Of course, most importantly, there’s Alex. He was an impossibility before my weightloss. Which, in hindsight, is a good thing. I never would’ve been able to keep up with a 9-month-old walker at 300 pounds. He’d have given me a coronary. Now I get to be the mom he deserves.

I’m one lucky bitch.

Sure, I still have food issues. I can still eat my bodyweight in chocolate. Gastric bypass wasn’t brain surgery. I will always worship at the food altar. Staying 165 pounds takes work. It’s not all shits and giggles. I still sometimes look in the mirror and see that fat girl I used to be.

Only now she smiles back.

Comments

[wavybrains]

WOW! I loved your entry. I think the hardest, and least talked about part of weight loss is seeing that fat girl in the mirror even once you are "thin". I lost 150 pounds 2 years ago, and although I've recently regained 20 (for some reason my scale seems to like a certain number I don't), I still feel like I have more of a handle on PCOS. Congrats on a beautiful you (although I have to say you were beautiful in the first picture too) and a beautiful baby to boot!

[Jamie]

That was beautifully written. Having met you IRL, I would never have known you to be "the fat girl". I was, too....you'd think I still am, but believe it or not, I've lost a bunch. I'm still not where I want to be, but I'm better than I was. Alex is such a blessing in more ways than one, really. Were it not for wanting him, you might never have gotten healthy enough to have him. And a world without that cutie-pie would be a drab place, indeed. :)

[Michelle]

Your baby is such a cutie. And you look so very healthy. Due to a combination of thyroid surgery and just plain bad eating habits, I got up to 250. I'm now at 225. I never thought I'd see the day that I would look at a scale and be happy to see 225! My active job(s) leave me little time to eat, and I am thankful for all the stairs at work...I'm so glad that the surgery worked for you and you got to have such a cute little guy!

[rachel]

What a story, Amanda! Wow, and good for you! Very best of luck in the contest, but in a way, it sounds like you already won!

[sarcastic journalist]

i think you look really beautiful. i can imagine it might have been hard to tell your story, but it is wonderful and inspiring.

[achromic]

As someone who has also had GB sugery, you hit the mark all the way. Thanks for writting I hope to see you on the top 7.

[achromic]

As someone who has also had GB sugery, you hit the mark all the way. Thanks for writting I hope to see you on the top 7.

[Aunt Rinda]

Manda, Being a member of the family I'm prejudiced but you have done an amazing thing in losing all that weight. It took lots of willpower on your part and lots of ignoring what your hubby would eat in front of you but, "baby, look at you now!" Be proud!

[Cynical Mom]

Great entry! I lost a bunch of weight myself that I just blogged about, not nearly as much, but I understand the food altar. And I have an 18 month old cutie-pie myself :-)

[maia]

I never would have guessed... My first reaction to your picture was 'she is so beautiful!'. And you are.