TLDR: kids are good, polyamory is the hardest best thing, my aging body can go fuck itself, I moved into my own bedroom, Sean has a new creative gig.
As I’m writing this, I can hear “I fooled around and fell in love” playing on Alex‘s computer upstairs and I realize how long it’s been since I’ve written anything at all, much less about my kids.
All three are doing great in their own ways. Alex is about to turn 20, and as usual I’m having feelings about how my big-haired baby boy is fully and completely a man now. I jokingly call him my man child and sometimes with good reason. I tease him and his friends a lot because they’ve all been hanging out at my house since they were 12 and the activities they do together have not changed at all since they were 12. They shoot bb guns (in my backyard, which I’m not a fan of, stupid bb’s everywhere). They play with RC cars and make tracks in the dirt (also in my backyard). They play video games. The only new additions are that now they play with their own cars (which is why my garage is such a disaster zone), and they smoke a lot of weed while they’re doing all of these things. Which now that I think about it, I’m sure isn’t much different at all from when they were 12.
He’s doing great. He’s working full time at a job he enjoys. He’s obsessing about his future plan of starting his own business doing electrical wiring for cars. And he’s happily partnered with Hannah, who he’s been with for almost two years. It’s a remarkably healthy relationship. They share a cat, but they don’t even want to live together yet!
Genoa is doing well in ways that most parents would see as laziness or rebellion, but that I embrace with full joy and enthusiasm. You want to party and hang out with your friends all the time? THANK GOD. After how anxious this kid was growing up, watching her thrive with her friend group and take risks that put her out of her comfort zone just thrills me. She’s acting like a normal teenager and I personally don’t get upset or punish my kids when they do the EXACT SAME SHIT we all did as teenagers. Her OCD has never been better. I love her friends. I don’t love that she isn’t working or going to school, but she watches Ever many many hours a week for us. It’s a huge contribution and their relationship is adorable to witness. Ever loves her big sissy. I’m confident Genoa will get her shit together soon. She always does.
Ever is a delight, most of the time. She still dances and sings and pretends her way through life, and could not be more of a joy. She’s into princesses, dressing up, playing dolls, and poop jokes. She makes friends with every kid who crosses her path. And she loves her babysitter more than anyone on earth. Every morning she opens her iPad and tells me what day of the week it is. “It’s Tuesday! That’s a Cecillie day!” She also tells me it’s partly cloudy and 63 degrees. The other day she opened the compass on the weather app and accurately told me where north, south, east, and west are. She’s way too smart already. She’s also HUGE! 48 pounds and 40” tall. It’s getting hard to lift her, which makes both of us sad.
We’re also starting in with some of the annoying 3-4-year old behaviors like the constant CONSTANT repetition of the same question and the never ending narration that must be validated at all times. She’s still not potty trained, but she can totally read. Just not if you ask her to. To guess that this child—mine and Sean’s—might be neurodivergent would not be a stretch of any imagination. We’re excited to keep learning how she’s wired. Let’s just say this apple didn’t fall far from the tree, so we’re well prepared.
I’m doing well, mostly. For a while I thought there was a problem with my titanium hip because it’s been acting like a real asshole. I finally realized I have sciatica. On both sides. It really only bugs me when I’m trying to sleep, but it shoots down my leg into my shin and it’s a total bitch. I recently went to Bass Canyon, a three-day music festival in the Gorge with Rob and Jenna (and seven of our closest friends). It was the most fun I might’ve ever had in my life and I ended up walking 50,000 steps over the weekend, probably half of which was dancing. I expected to pay for it physically, but aside from the usual difficulty I have sleeping, I did amazingly well. I was the oldest member of our group and I easily kept up. Can’t wait for next year.
Polyamory continues to delight and distress me. It will never be an easy lifestyle, and that might be one of the reasons I prefer it. It challenges me constantly, in ways that force me to really self-evaluate and accept what I can and can’t change about myself as a person. I grow *daily* because of it. And growth is never comfortable. I don’t think it should be.
I’m also in a triad now. Not with Sean, but with Rob and Jenna. None of us live together, but we’re all madly in love with each other, so it’s mostly just a big giant love puddle. It’s also the most difficult relationship structure one can possibly attempt. Sometimes being with two people at once makes you feel triply connected in ways that astonish you; sometimes you feel like the left out little sister; often it’s both at the same time. And then you have the added complication of worrying how your two partner’s relationship is doing. What/how/why/when/where do you get involved in conflict between them or them between yours? How do you help them if they seem disconnected or if you feel disconnected from one or both of them? It’s a real clusterfuck of emotions, I’m not gonna lie. This is not relationship 101, it’s advanced relationship calculus, PhD level shit. (I mention this not to toot my own horn, but because way too many people START polyamory by seeking a triad and triads are just NOT for beginners. They’re fucking HARD.)
But if anyone can learn to do it, I feel confident in the three of us. There’s so much love and affection and chemistry and communication that I think we’re gonna continue to thrive. One thing that helps tremendously is that we mostly maintain independent relationships. I see Jenna and Rob alone more often than I see them together. I’m pretty sure that’s the key to unlock the whole thing. I’m in three relationships with them, not one.
I also recently moved in to my own bedroom. Jenna came over and helped me empty out our guest room/office and I officially moved in. There were lots of reasons for this move. Sean and I stopped sleeping in the same bed at least six months ago. We bought a fancy new bed with an adjustable base and it turned out to be trying to murder me in my sleep. The 10-year old IKEA mattress in our guest room has been my happy sleeping space for a long time now. My back agrees. (And I need my back for work!)
But my house, you guys. Between teenagers and a toddler, NO SURFACE IS SAFE. It’s a constant mess, a literal clutterfuck and my mental health prefers clean, clear spaces. That’s what works best for my adhd.
I’m never going to get that in my house. Not any time soon at least. Sean would love to be better organized but between two jobs, they just CAN’T. And I seriously started fantasizing about getting my own apartment just to escape the reality of the mess. There was no sanctuary for me. No space where I felt at peace in my own home.
So I moved into the guest room. It’s not the biggest, and I’m sharing a bathroom with my kids, but it has built-in cabinets and a sliding glass door that leads straight to the hot tub. When we finally get it fixed (the pond has a massive leak), I’ll be able to fall asleep to the sound of our waterfall every night.
Sean and I are still quite happily married. I know a lot of people assume problems at home when relationships open up or when married people have separate bedrooms, but that’s not the case with us. I love and appreciate them more than ever, even if I barely get to see them. We’re definitely in an absence-makes-the-heart-grow-fonder stage. Our work schedules don’t overlap at all Monday-Thursday, so we only ever get to cross paths on the weekends. Sean has three partners besides me and three days off, so our alone time together is limited in ways we all despise. They start a new schedule in October and we’re excited to get to see each other more.
They recently took several weeks off for long covid and even though they felt like shit, I relished the extra time we had together. We had time to eat dinner together, put the baby to bed, watch a few shows, and be intimate. You know, like normal couples?! I’m sure their other partners will be just as stoked with their new schedule. One night a week hasn’t been enough for any of us.
An added but happy complication is that Sean has started a new creative endeavor. They converted my walk-in closet into a recording studio and they’ve been narrating audio books! It’s going very well. In the first two weeks they put out auditions, they booked five book contracts!! I’ll start linking to them as they go live! I could not be prouder of them for pursuing this dream while also working a truly traumatic job from 2-midnight every day. Regardless of the intensity of my other relationships, Sean will always be my home base. Even writing that makes me miss them so much.
As always, life is bitter and sweet. All the biggest feelings, all at once.