Before going to bed last night, I made sure to go out and start up my old Mercedes. I haven't driven miss Lola in over three months, but she thudded right back to life like only a diesel can (deafeningly and with fumes that stick to your nose). I seriously love that car. So, of course she wouldn't quite roll over for me this morning and I had to take a Lyft* to work. I can't officially get a rental car until I talk to the adjusters on Monday, but BBHMM. I was driving a sweet convertible, so I damn well better be able to rent one until I get an insurance check.
How much this sucks hasn't really set in yet. Either that or I'm just not all that upset about it. I'd honestly be a lot more upset if my diesel had been totaled. Either way, it's just a fucking car. There are plenty of those in the sea. I think the kids are more upset about the loss than I am.
I keep going over and over it in my head. How I saw her coming at me in my rearview mirror and tried to make my foot go from the break to the gas to try to get out of the way, but instead my foot just slammed down the break even harder. How eerily calm I felt aftrewards. How Genoa is being clingy again and might be sleeping in my room again for a while. How my shoulders feel like someone is slowly filling them with concrete. How lucky it was that Sean saw my message even though he was sleeping and came right away. How this ended up being my son's first Facebook post.
How I ordered an engagement ring yesterday and that was what I really wanted to write about. How nothing could more perfectly sum up what it will be like being married to me and my kids: always bittersweet.