Today I didn't have any clients until 2:30 and even then, only enough to keep me at work until 4:00. Normally an abrupt slow-down like this would worry me, but after five years I know it's just the ebb to my flow. Last week I was so busy I barely got to sit down, so I welcomed today's change by staying home and doing absolutely nothing. I got the kids off to school and spent the rest of the morning napping with Sean (who is home on his work weekend). My energy has been strangely non-existent lately. I guess it's not strange considering how busy we've been and how exhausting the vagina mine can be, but there's a part of me that fears it's my seasonal depression rearing its head again. I have NONE of the mental symptoms at all - no anger, no sadness, no irritability, not even the spiral-y negativity I expect as part of the annual post-Halloween letdown. Instead I feel great. I'm pretty fucking happy lately if I do say so myself.
But my body begs to differ. I can't seem to make myself DO anything. I'm physically beat allthetime. My early morning insomnia is returning. My appetite is weird and my diet is an atrocity. I am the first to admit that these things might all be related. I just hate the exercise catch-22 where I know I'd have more energy if I went to the gym, but I'm too exhausted to even put my shoes on. Mostly this just feels like Winter to me. Only I'm not sad or pissed off about it like I usually am. It just feels normal. I've upped my vitamin intake and I think my happy light is helping.
Yesterday was Halloween, obviously, and it was the first time in nearly a decade that I didn't have a party. I just wasn't feeling it this year. I could blame it on not drinking, but it's mostly that I just haven't felt as social as I used to be. I'm happier at home than I've ever been and it feels good to lean into that instead of aggressively planning my social calendar like I used to. So last night I gave Alex ten bucks and told him to be home by 9:00 (which he was!) and Sean and I left the house dark and took Genoa and a very well-medicated Pomeranian trick-or-treating. A great time was had by all. The only disappointment was the striking dearth of Tootsie Rolls in our neighborhood. Unfuckingbelievable.
I'm gonna try to make myself sit down and write every day this month. I can't promise it'll be much more than this kind of basic dear diary bullshit, but I know it'll feel good to get back into the practice again. Things are finally really good. I should probably share them.