You know how when you're playing Wii and you can create your own Mii people? You can add facial features and hair color and mustachios? All the Mii's just sit there chilling in a line on the home screen, right? And if you create a Mii you don't want anymore, you can just pick that Mii up, drag and drop them out of the frame and they permanently cease to exist?
I don't think it will hurt his feelings to know that for the last few years of our marriage, I would lay in bed at night and fantasize about picking my husband up by the scruff of his Mii, dragging him out of my life frame and dropping a new person into his place. I mean, I LOVED my life. Why do you think it took me so long to let it go? I had the perfect kids, the perfect house, the most wonderful friends, work that fulfilled me and everything I ever needed. I just didn't want to share it with that particular man. I wanted to share it with someone else. Someone who knew how to hold my heart just the right way. Someone whose kiss lit me up inside. Someone who saw the real me and wanted to change NOTHING. Someone I LOVED.
Someone exactly like Patrick.
It's been a few years now, but I feel like my life has come full circle. A week ago Patrick and I put a deposit on a house in North Portland and we're moving in at the end of the month. It's the most beautiful house, you guys. In my favorite Portland neighborhood. Right across from a park and half a block from Portland's best running road. Five bedrooms, a kitchen with granite counter tops, a GAS FUCKING STOVE, enough parking for ten cars and a fully fenced, gorgeous yard. It's pretty much a dream come true.
I've often said that I've done that big house in the suburbs thing and I'm over it, but apparently I'm not because here I am doing it again.
Only this time it couldn't be more different.
A) North Portland is a suburb of Portlandia, sure, but it's not The Suburbs. The kids down the block won't all be rich and white and THANK GOD. We're only a block off Lombard Street. We'll still need to lock our cars.
B) I'm scared. Actually, we both are. We've been together almost a year now and this is the best relationship I've ever had. It's still magical to me and I don't want to fuck it up or ruin it with the day-to-day sludge of real life. With noisy, smelly kids (his AND mine). With money worries and scheduling drama and all the stuff.
C) Patrick IS my home. I don't see that changing any time soon, if ever.
Now that he's working full time at a crazy busy job, I'm greedy for him in ways I never knew I could be. We used to have these long, amazing mornings together and now he has to leave for yoga at 6:45. I miss him. He misses me. I've been finding myself more jealous of the time he spends with his other girlfriend. He's more jealous of the time I spend with mine. Polyamory is infinitely more complicated when you don't share a roof. We've had to go out of our way to make an every-other-day schedule happen. For every night we spend away from each other, we require a night together to reconnect. But in our current living situation, that only works half the time! Which means it's crazy-making to keep all of our buckets full. I just want to come home to my HOME, you know? To HIM.
So we're jumping in together. Leaning in. Saying yes. Thriving on discomfort.
And we're doing our best to be wise about it. We're talking and talking and talking. Discussing our fears and expectations. I don't want a crabby step dad situation like I had with my last boyfriend. So we're gonna have separate bedrooms so we can each have our own space (but not separate beds). My Red will stay over with me in my room as often as possible. My kids will have their own rooms and bathroom upstairs. His kid and their partner will live in the basement. Patrick will take the master bedroom and I'll have that bay window bedroom at the front of the house. He'll be able to disappear when the kids get too loud and vice versa. I'm still hoping that someday my girlfriend can live with us too.
It's pretty much the magic hippie commune of my dreams.
My life on my terms. But more full of love (AND BRUNCH) than I never could have imagined. I wake up almost every day and can't believe this is (going to be) my life. I wish everyone were so lucky.