A friend recently told me that if she didn't know me in real life and only read my blog, she would agree with the rest of the Internet and assume I was bipolar. Perhaps she makes a good point? Apparently I seem to put my ass in the chair here only when things are SUPER EXCITING! or SUPER AWFUL! I'm not bipolar in real life (I've been screened, I'm just regular crazy), but apparently I tend to avoid boring you with the more mundane parts of my life. Instead I focus on the big things (which often sound crazier than they really are).
Since I'm overdue for some mundanity, here goes:
- I ran five miles the other day just before picking up the kids. I'm getting low on mileage lately, mostly because I've been having too much fun, but I'm still a runner. On Tuesday, I ran a PR mile at 7:53. It was the longest seven minutes and fifty-three seconds of my life, mostly because it was spent DYING on a treadmill. Give me two hours and a trail any day of the week over even two minutes on a machine.
- Nonetheless, I feel fat. I feel beautiful. I hate my body. I've never loved it more. (It only depends on what time of the month it is or how long it's been since my boyfriend has seen adored me naked.) I'm trying not to let body image be A Thing. I've worked too hard to let ten stupid pounds become an issue.
- Doing a photo session with my friend, Amy, totally helped. For example, I had no idea my ass looked like this. Body dismorphia, man. It takes a village.
- Speaking of villages, I've been thinking a lot about community (prompted, in no small way, by a recent trip to The Bridge). As Americans, we royally SUCK at building community. Maybe it comes from our natural love of making our own rules, but communities don't always NEED rules. In fact, rules, organization and structure may be the very things that kill community.
(Think about that one...)
- Over the past year I've become a member of some REAL communities. My People, for one. SamnTerry are probably more family than community, but we NEED each other. And we ACT like it. I can't think of a single thing I wouldn't do for them and vice versa. I can't promise you I'd be here without them. (I wouldn't.)
- Living here with Cynthia is similar in that it's a kind of community I've never experienced before. We eat together. We share childcare responsibilities. We switch each other's laundry. We combine resources with the neighbors. We have the same friends and people. We aren't afraid to twerk awkwardly in front of one another while listening to gangsta rap in the car port. We have each other's backs. But more important than all that is that we DO NOT JUDGE. I'm just here. Period. Doesn't matter if Cyn needs a shoulder to cry on, some home made chicken nuggets or another fifth of vodka. Zero judgment. Complete acceptance. No rules. No hierarchy. No organizational bullshit. Just mutual need, mutual kindness and unconditional, unrelenting love. I don't know how to make this micro-community translate on a larger scale, but my mind is beginning to turn those wheels because we're definitely onto something.
- Genoa is the queen of the meltdown. I recently dropped a wad on SEAM-FREE socks for her delicate little (bitchy) feet. Please tell me this will dial down her usual morning screamfest by several decibels. PLEASE.
- Alex turns ten on Sunday. It's a huge birthday - double digits in the hizzouse! (For both of us). I have a BIG FAT AWESOME SPECTACULAR SUPER EXCITING SURPRISE planned for him. And I promise to write more about that when there aren't any spoilers involved.
- My life is suddenly awesome in ways I never expected. Patrick would be a great example of that seeing as he's the antithesis of every other man I've ever loved. You know you've got a keeper when your People meet him for the first time and the next morning you wake up lovedrunk with a text like this: "We were just talking about how cool Patrick is. Job awesomely done." Especially since that's only the first (and most important) of at least a half dozen similar messages from everyone you know.
- See also: My kids LOVE him.
- WHUT?! Right?! Hello brain-breaking seismological paradigm shift!
- Even more refreshing: he actually LIKES my kids. For the first time since the divorce, I don't have to apologize for being a mom. The kids aren't baggage, they're a bonus.
- Whose life is this?
- I know this probably seems mundane to everyone else, but it's a huge drama to me: I miss my bald guy. He's gone A LOT (mostly with stuff he scheduled long before I was even a figment of his imagination). We're currently six days into a 26 day stretch of separation. Don't get me wrong, FaceTime is great and we talk all day long in some way or another, but it's not the same. Especially since we're still in the throes and it's not like we can make out behind the bleachers when we're not actually in the same state. I'm doing everything I can to cope - running, working, keeping busy, being mom, making dinner for friends, writing a lot of BAD poetry, even making out with other bald men - but it still sucks surprisingly hard. I finally had to talk myself off the ledge by reminding myself that it's not like he's gone AT WAR or anything. He's just in Montana with the band. This is what I get for falling in love with a rock star.
- (And I'm not just talking about his bass-playing):