Aaaaaaaah, FREE COUCH!

(AKA Le Freak, C'est Chic!)

The good news is that I've been taking decently good care of myself lately. I haven't had a cigarette in weeks. I'm eating again. I've been really good at setting boundaries with family and respecting the needs and boundaries of those I love. I've even been practicing extravagant benevolence! Or at the very least, acceptance. I've been making sure my kids stay active and forcing myself to run every chance I get. Even if I only have ten minutes, I'll put on my shoes and hit the road. I figure a mile is a mile. It's my way of putting my own oxygen mask on first. If I don't take care of myself, how the fuck can I take care of anyone else?

The bad news is how often it turns out I need that oxygen mask. Things have been STRESSFUL. In every imaginable way. I've got money stress, family stress, work stress, love stress, kid stress, and now, because I'm apparently a glutton for punishment, I've decided to add even more to that list by applying for graduate school.

Little Mommy pretty much HATES me right now.

Sweet Jesus, I haven't talked about Little Mommy yet, have I? If not it's only because the whole concept is very personal, even for me. But let's just say that from a very young age, I took care of the people around me. To excess. More than any child really should have. I changed diapers and fixed bottles at 3AM and made sure we didn't miss our planes. I was capital "R" Responsible from my very first memory.

Little Mommy is the source of my panic attacks. Every time she rears her ugly little I CAN HANDLE THIS head, suddenly REAL Mommy can't breathe. It's super fun!

So when I decided a week ago that I was fucking sick of being poor and that I needed to finally mow myself down a future and go back to school, Little Mommy wasn't so happy about it. I researched and researched and found out that the only place I can get my Master's in Marriage and Family Counseling within driving distance is at Portland State.

So NATURALLY their application deadline is February First. You know, one WHOLE week away.

GOOD TIMES!

As a way of coping with this Magic! New! Stress! on Friday I went for the most magnificent run I've had yet - along the Vancouver Waterfront.

It was frigid and sunny and after about a mile, I got a terrible stitch in my side (which is when I stopped to take this picture), but I walked it off and kept on going. I felt like a champ when I got to my car an hour later, but as soon as I started driving home, Little Mommy took over and decided my to do list was waaaaaay to long for her little 8-year old brain to handle. Not even runner's high could shut her up.

Eventually I texted said list to Joel in the hope that just getting it off my chest would help me breathe:

Go to Costco for Rx
Finish blog post
Email Val
Email Chris
Order rush transcripts from:
    UC Davis
    San Jose State
    De Anza
    USF
Finish PSU application online (both)
Finish FAFSA
Clean the kitchen
Take down the Christmas tree
Put away the rest of the Christmas crap
Mop the dog piss so my house doesn't smell like ass

(All this during a weekend with the kids!)

Telling Joel helped. It always does. But when he decided to stop what he was doing, drive to my house with Liza and clean my kitchen for me while I was at work? Well, duh! Even Little Mommy cried. Who wouldn't? Especially since he'd already bought me a book of Billy Collins poetry that day. (My favorite poet.) And that same night when we all met at the roller rink in Gresham, he bought me a plastic rose and had the DJ call my name to come get it, love note and all. (Winning much, Mr. Gunz?) (It's no wonder I've lost interest in all the other boys.)

On Tuesday my therapist told me she was proud of my recent progress, which meant a lot to me given I want to be her when I grow up. (I've been seeing her through the same Counselor Education Program at PSU to which I'm currently applying.) She told me a great story about the first time she took her own kid to therapy. When the counselor asked what she wanted for him, she said, like ALL parents do, "I just want him to be happy."

The therapist's reply will stick with both of us forever: "You have no control over your children's happiness. All you can do is teach them to cope."

Little Mommy is 36, but I'm beginning to think she might be learning to cope.

Comments

[Lisa]

Not to rain on your parade, but did you check to see what the job market is like for a marriage and family counselor in Portland?

Where I'm at the field is saturated and getting licensed requires a sponsorship from a clinic that is nigh impossible to get. A friend who recently got that holy grail and started working was rocking a whole $28K a year, working full time.

I'm all for following your dreams, but a piece of paper does not equate to success and money. It might just mean more debt. I'd slow down and do some research first, if you haven't already.

[Crystal]

FUCKING LOVE THAT LAST COMMENT!! I'm learning to cope, with all the crazy medical madness in my life, but teaching my kids how to cope?? WOAH!! Mind blown!! AWESOME!

And yes, I have learned that until I take care of ME, I can't even remotely take care of anyone or anything else!!

Keep trucking....

[Rachel R.]

Wow. You and I keep having more in common than I realized. I was also taking care of an infant when I was eight years old. Unfortunately, the deadline for most schools' applications is in February. I found that out when I applied to graduate schools. Similarly, I need to get motivated to apply for teaching jobs now for Fall quarter, since this is when they're doing all of their hiring.

Like I wrote in your other post, I've recently been able to start making a change in my attitude toward things and become much calmer in the last month. However, the stress about running late or having too much to do still gets to me a lot. I'm still not sure how to handle it. If I figure it out, I'll let you know. One thing that helps is to make sure that you take deep breaths. It calms you down and helps you think clearer.

[Rayne of Terror]

I understand the draw of graduate school. I have the privilege of having done the graduate school (a top tier public in-state tuition law school) I wanted to do. But from this side I can see a lot of graduate school is fools gold. Be SO SO careful of taking on non-dischargeable debt for what may or may not be a worthwhile extra degree. If I has it to do over again I would not go because the student loan debt now figures into every (financial) decision I make.

That said, I am so very, very glad to see you taking care of yourself and it seems like you were out of control for awhile and now you've turned a corner. Hang in there, I'm rooting for you.

[Rachel R.]

Unfortunately, I'm going to echo the sentiment of others expressed here. Four years after graduating, my graduate degree has not equaled any job for me. However, it taught me how to craft a story, so that is invaluable to me. If you do not think that you will benefit from a graduate degree, other than landing a job, you may want to really consider it. You also may need to move to a small town to build up experience because bigger cities, like Portland, are saturated.

[Jen D.]

What is your rush? You said you just decided to go to school...shouldn't you do a needs assessment for the field you want to work in and plan finances, etc? I'm all for chasing your dreams, but I really think you need to slow down and make sure this is the right decision and the right career before adding more stress and financial woes to your life...

[dvz]

Amanda, all the other posters are right. I'll be more blunt. Don't be an idiot. The market is saturated up and down the west coast and beyond. Call yourself a "Life Coach", print up some business cards, and do it that way. I live in Marin County, and life coaches are the "thing". They make a bloody fortune and you don't even have to be licensed. You can be people's "little mother", and advise them on life choices AND finances (utilize the education you've already paid for.)Bonus: Just like many mechanics drive beaters that haven't had the oil changed in a year, most life coaches I've run into are disasters in their private life. So you'll fit right in.

[Jennifer]

"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be." ― Shel Silverstein

[EM]

This will most likely make absolutely no difference at all in your decision, but keep in mind the fact that graduate school is going to leave you with tens of thousands of dollars in debt, and a degree that very well may not net you a job that pays any more than what you make now. A (rare) good starting salary for a licensed counselor is around $30,000 a year. When you factor in the student loan payments you will be making, on top of rent, food, utilities, etc., your financial situation will be markedly WORSE after graduate school than before. Going full time, the course work and practicum will take you 2-3 years. That is 2-3 years of struggling in order to make what a basic administrative job could pay you right now. And right now, you do not have $20k-30k in student loan debt to pay off on top of your regular bills. This pursuit of this degree might very well ruin you.

I am so sorry to sound like I am trying to squash your dreams, but I'd like to think of this as a warning from someone who knows this story all to well. I know about a dozen people right now who are struggling to find work in their graduate fields, and they are all being crushed under the weight of their massive student loan debt. Library science degrees, urban planning degrees, social science degrees, and, yes, counseling degrees are expensive degrees that do not result in well-paying jobs. Chasing this degree will just make whatever financial hole you are in right now get larger and more impossible from which to emerge.