Skinny

Remember that Pie in Sky goal I set ten years ago? The one where I wanted to lose so much weight that I would literally be half the woman I used to be?

So.

Uh...

Yeah.

That happened.

It's funny, there's been so much other filler in my life lately that it didn't feel like all that big of a big deal. In fact, because there is so much else going on, I only mentioned it to my therapist in passing and then she had to stop me in the middle of a sentence and say WHAT THE HELL?!? That's kinda huge! I mean, this whole BRAIN-BREAKING maybe Amanda ISN'T a size 14, maybe she's a single digit thing was her fault in the first place.

So I suppose it is a big deal.

I'm a size 8.

The last time I bought shirts, two out of three of them were a size SMALL.

SMALL.

Wait.

WHUT?

The idea of all this breaks my brain in ways I'm not sure I'll ever be able to understand. All I know is that everyone keeps telling me I'm "skinny" and it simultaneously makes me want to break their faces in and/or kiss them on the mouth. With tongue.

There's nothing sweeter to a fat girl's ego than being called skinny. It actually turns me on to hear it. But then my inner feminist says FUCK YOU! I am not the number in the back of my pants! And I am NOT skinny. I'm just a much smaller version of Amanda.

Oddly enough, I finally feel like the real me. The photos actually match the self-portrait.

The true, deep down, authentic, ugly Amanda says yes to life and yes to magically delicious food that she prefers to prepare herself with bacon grease and things she yanked out of her back yard, but she also eats juuuuuust enough and then pushes her plate away sans regret. She knows what it means to be full. Because SHE'S full. And she can wrap her long "skinny" legs around the back of your neck and lock her feet together behind your head.

Not that she's done much of that.

Yet.I'm TERRIFIED, you guys.

When I was 30-40 pounds heavier, I filled out my skin just enough to be plump and juicy. Now I'm literally a bag of bones and skin. Don't even get me started on how Joel thinks I need to start wearing flats because heels make my legs look "too skinny." Even the kids have complained - when I lay on my back to snuggle them, my ribs and hip bones are apparently too "pokey." My once-ripe breasts now hang like willow branches atop my ribs and GOOD LUCK finding my nipples when I lay on my back! I can't even chase them down myself.

I have never felt this good about my body, nor looked worse naked. I have the libido of a 14-year old boy and the skin of an 80-year old woman. I LOVE my body, but no amount of exercise is going to make up for the missing half of my former self.

And that's what terrifies me most. Somehow, being this size and weight means beautiful George Clooney look-a-likes want to wine and dine me. They want to buy me dinner and make out with me in the back of their Maserati's. (True story.) (Whose life is this?!?!)

But sex? Nudity?

Sweet merciful baby Jesus on a pogo stick! I. am. not. ready.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all in. I will say yes. But the next few months are going to be the PEAK SEASON of my thriving on discomfort policy. I am going to experience some white-hot, steel-toed rejection. This chapter will require a level of personal vulnerability that I can't yet begin to fathom.

So I'm trying to give myself the benefit of the doubt, the same one I happily extend to everyone I meet...

My life has been painful and twisted in ways I've only just begun to understand. And my skin - all of it - is the way I wear that history on my body for everyone to see. I'm like a burn victim - permanently scarred. My skin tells the story of how I survived a jump out of the 20th floor window of a burning building and how much braver/stronger/better I am for it. I'm trying to embrace the fact that the ugliness of my story makes me MORE beautiful, not less.

But much like my next two novels, I'm only a work in progress. 

My only promise is to click PUBLISH when I'm done.

Comments

[Lori]

Oooooh, I want to do that! My half-the-woman weight is 165.5. My goal weight is 180, and I have 53 pounds until I reach that. The weight loss is so slow right now--only 6 pounds in the past month--that I despair of ever reaching it. You give me hope. Thanks. xoxo

[taylor k]

I just turned 27 years old a few weeks ago and I am about 10 pounds less than you, but about half a foot shorter - and i look exactly like you described while naked. I call my scars, skin, and stretch marks my battlemarks (i have 13 abdominal scars from 7 surgeries and 2 c-sections in 6 years time...) I am keeping them for now, but as soon as I decide *for real* that I am done having children and make a permanent birth control decision I plan on having mine 'fixed' with a full bodylift. I am far beyond natural repair, too. I am not going to have anything modified or enhanced... just removing the extras. I know it made me who i am today, but I am a new person and I want the new body - without the extra skin, scars and crappy tattoos I got at the age of 15 - that reflects my hard work. It wasnt easy getting here! I admire your decision to keep yours. It takes balls that i don't have to carry all that around for the rest of your life. Go you!

[Tiffany]

Oh Amanda I just love you and your honesty. Good job on the weight loss. You look awesome

[cc]

You inspire me with your honesty and frankness.

Also, GO AMANDA!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!!!

[Penelopeinparis]

You go, girl! I'm happy for you that what you see in the mirror matches the image in your head. What I see from here is a gutsy, gorgeous lady!

[Sara]

Congratulations on getting to the pie! I've recently lost about 30 pounds and weigh just a couple pounds more than you. I've been surprised at the difference it's made. My butt fits differently on the toilet seat, bleachers are almost unbearably uncomfortable, and my knees are too bony to fit together when I sleep. Weird.

[Pamela]

I just hit my half the woman I was weight myself and you have TOTALLY captured my thoughts. I have a blog, too, but haven't been able to blog lately for whatever excuses I have. I wanted to reach through and hug you and jump up and down. You have captured my every thought. Thank you and bless you darlin'.

[Inky]

wow am I ever glad to find you (thanks Melting Mama!) and what an awesome goal to have - be half the person we once were. that finally gives me an exact goal weight to strive for. I had RNY 4/07 and lost 139. Regained 61 (don't get me started but I learned A LOT in that regain, including how damn easy it is to do it). Have lost 25 of the regain, now go to Zumba 3x a week (who, me??) and will get back to my prior post-surgery low weight of 185 then I had in mind to get to 160-165 - so now it looks like 162.50 is the magic number!!

I too feel strange naked but it is what it is and I'd rather be saggy than deady ;)

[Attorney At Large]

Congrats!!! That's awesome! (And you look great!)

[Ronnie]

Amanda,

I was directed to your blog today courtesy of Melting Mama and glad to have checked it out! I would love to be where you are as you stated, "Oddly enough, I finally feel like the real me. The photos actually match the self-portrait." Perhaps this will occur some time in the future! I am currently working on this issue in therapy. It is ongoing and progress is being made.

I had RNY WLS on 10/1/2009. During the past three years, I worked very hard to become healthy and lose weight. It has been an emotionally-charged and difficult journey but a successful one, nonetheless!

I enjoyed reading your blog post. It is refreshing and enlightening to read a story full of probity, frankness, humor, and emotion! Thanks for that! I shall look forward to future posts and perusing past ones.

[Hanna]

You aren't that thin. Just average. Your bag of bones comment is offensive to people who are ACTUALLY underweight.

[Missy]

You may have body dysmorphic disorder, you look good but you are not in any way a bag of bones or even that skinny I think you are delusional. Great job on your weightloss but you need a bit of a reality check.

[Bella Rinata]

I can support anyone at any weight so long as they are pursuing healthy eating and lifestyle habits that contribute to their overall health. That said, your start post reads "I had tried everything in the world to get into a smaller size and I just wasn't able to lose weight. " Is that accurate? I imagine if you tried *everything* you would have been able to shed some weight, if that was the goal. I think it's condescending and false to imply that you have tried all weight loss methods and failed, and to take no responsiblity for the results.
Perhaps if we could have an honest dialog about why we are falling short of our goals (overeating, binging, inactivity, health issues/hormones), we could work to address those problems and the underlying emotional or physical issues causing them, rather than jumping to drastic life altering surgical measures instead.

[Maxine]

What a tactless bag of crap you are to compare yourself with a burn victim. Have you no shame?

Your little soap story about losing weight is pathetic, I invite you to go to a hospital and take a look at the suffering of burn victims. How fucking dare you?!

[Jason]

Did you really just compare yourself to a burn victim? Seriously...?

It's great to lose weight but to make that kind of comparison...I am pretty much speechless.

[Angela E. Gambrel]

Um, sorry, but no. You are not that thin. In fact, you are average size. As a recovering anorexic, I find the whole "bag of bones" comment offensive. And comparing yourself to burn victims? Beyond offensive.

[Nancy]

Hi Amanda,
I found your website through a link. Anywho, I have gotten NOTHING done for two days reading your journal. You and I have had some very, very similar experiences and I have found your writing to me insightful, sad and humorous. It's your blog, say what you want. If they don't like it, tough....they don't have to read it. I wished I lived closer. I think we'd have great fun. Hang in there and have a great Thursday!