Friends

Remember that episode of Friends when Monica fell in love with Richard? And how no matter how much she loved him, she knew it could never work out?

Well my Tom Selleck moved out on Friday and took his magnificent furry chest with him.

I love him so hard that even thinking about not being with him makes me sob. Often in public.

But we can't live together any more. We have completely different relationship needs. Joel is quiet and intellectual and tends to keep to himself.  And I am totally the opposite of all that. Even after almost two years of therapy, his quietness made me feel invisible, even though he was just being Joel and it wasn't his fault that I felt that way. But I still felt that way and my neediness made us both miserable.

I finally realized that I've spent the past two years as a contortionist, trying to change myself so that he would be someone else.

But he isn't. He's JOEL. And I have never loved or admired anyone more.

So this isn't going to be your average break-up.

In fact, I'm writing this post from his office where he's sitting right across from me. We're eating the leftover fish tacos I made him last night and listenening to Pat Benetar. We decided that the best way to deal with our grief was to start dating as soon as possible, so we just helped each other take profile photos to put on OK Cupid. We laughed so hard at some of them that my stomach still hurts.

I always thought of us as that obnoxious couple at the bar who loved each other way too much and now we get to be that obnoxious couple who breaks up and actually stays friends. The next fifty years of my life just changed in a single weekend, but I get to keep the man I still love as a friend and that means I'm only crying HALF the time, not all of it.

Of course, I have no idea what I'm going to do about rent or roommates or money and I probably need someone to give me an Adele intervention, but this was for the best.

Which is all Joel and I deserve.

 

Comments

[Velvetackbar]

I am saddened by the outcome, but glad for the insight that led to it.

Take care of yourself and be good to each other.

[Christine De Alen]

but but you two were like Bonnie and Clyde. this cannot happen noooooooooo

[Crystal]

My gawd woman! I swear we were spawn from the same pool! Mine and yours have been almost identical thus far. Messy divorce, kids, living a lie trying to make the marriage work, finding yourself, allowing you to be yourself , changing careers..,, I could go on. And even now. Find some peace knowing that I'm still friends with someone I knew I couldn't live without. He is best friends with my now husband. I call them both my husbands and my best friends. None of us would change it for the world. Just remember, it stings like a bitch to watch him fall in love with someone else, no matter how happy you want him. You will come out stronger and more aware of your own needs. Please take care of you.

[Candice Aiston]

I love this post, Amanda. So much insight and reflection in a place where so many people wouldn't be capable of that in this moment. I love that you can still be *those obnoxious people* but in a different way. Lots of love to you.

[Kim]

Weird...the pessimist in me totally saw this coming, while my inner optimist feels blindsided.
I wish you two a long happy friendship

[Cheryl]

I swear one day I'm going to have to stop reading your blog because you break my heart over and over. I really thought you had your happily ever after. I hope you find it one day (soon).

[heather]

Sad for the ending, but love the course your life is now on because of the bald man. best to you both. you are good people.

[Sheryl]

Over the past couple of years I haven't made any suggestions with all you were going through, I just crossed my fingers, said a hail Mary, and hoped for the best.

But now I am begging you, please, please do not start dating. Just keep your own company. You went from your parents house (so to speak) to marriage, from marriage to Joel. You can date yourself. You can be alone.

You've been through so much turmoil over the past couple of years, give your soul some time to decompress.

Remember long, long ago when you were still married to Dave, and I commented that I thought you were really depressed, and you said that's impossible, I don't get depressed?

Yeah.

Just trying to give myself some credibility in your eyes. Be well, and take care.

[Lori]

I'll never stop reading, but...what Cheryl said. Damn, woman. Weeping at work for you.

[Amanda]

Oh man, this is making me so sad! My heart is definitely hurting for you and Joel, and I definitely hope that you'll find the person who is perfect for you. (Like your Chandler!)

[cindy w]

Oh hell. I'm sorry.

[Rachel R.]

I'm agreeing with Sheryl on this one for both of you. Give yourselves time to reflect and heal. Dating is just a bandage that will get ripped off eventually. You will have to face these emotions without the distraction of dating. When I was separated, I gave myself two months before I started to date, and I really needed that time for perspective and to get to know myself again outside of a relationship and to not be defined by one.

[Janyll]

Echoing the advice that this is not the time to be posting a profile on OK Cupid. If you are not in a place where you can make a relationship work with someone you love, how can you be in a place to start a new relationship? And what about the kids? They too had a relationship with Joel that is now broken. Do you really want to do this to them again? How about just retiring from the dating game until you have worked out your issues and your kids are older and not so needy? How about putting your time and energy into them instead of a new boyfriend? It's tough enough that they don't live with you--must they share your limited time together with your next "relationship"?

[Nancy]

Forget about dating. You don't need a man (or woman) to be complete. Focus on healing and growth - which you've admirably been doing. Give your kids a break and focus your energy on them.

That said, I'm so sorry. Glad that you realized it wasn't allowing you to be who you need to be (and deserve to be), but sad because even your casual readers can tell you love him. But maybe in the end, you'll find you were in love with the idea of being in love with him, possibly one-upping your ex or showing the world something, who knows. Don't try to impress people you don't know or don't care about, and be yourself. Seems like for awhile your writing has been to shock or to impress - just take a step inside and focus on being (and writing) what you need to do for yourself. Best wishes to you, and to Joel. It'll all work out ok in the end... if it isn't ok, it's not the end.

[jules]

Ugh. I hate this. But really-I loved you guys together and I will love you apart. I'm so glad you figured this out before it got to an ugly place (Hmmmmm) and can remain friends. I was one of your friends who kept telling you to relax and trust Joel's love for you. i didn't realize it wasn't about trusting the love, but more how it's conveyed. And if you guys aren't compatible in that area--well, I'm glad you can get out of it while still loving each other and can move on and find someone who is compatible. I kinda agree with Sheryl above though about waiting to date, not necessarily because it would be good for you to be alone for awhile (it probably would)--but because I'm not sure i can take it. Your readers/friends need a break! :) Just kidding, sorta . .. we'll have a karaoke night soon-or dancing at Lola's .. .

[Heather]

I know Joel is WAY more than a rebound to you but often we need a jumping off point after divorce to really see ourselves clearly. I happen to still be with the first man I truly dated after my divorce but not without a shitload of sweat, tears and therapy.

I agree with Sheryl that jumping into the dating pool right away might hamper your growth, even if it keeps sadness at bay in the moment. But the truth is, you have only just stared learning about yourself and it might help to just sit quietly with all of the hard and wonderful things you've learned before you try to share them with someone else.

That said, I was celibate for almost two years after my divorce and was still a mess. So what do I know? I guess nothing, except for that I am rooting for you.

[Debbie]

I'm sad for your tears, and happy for your continued friendship. Hey, my ex-husband and I are BFFs, and he's become really close to my new husband, too. So it can happen. In the meantime, please be gentle with yourself, is my only advice to you.

{{big hugs}}

[Joey]

Really sorry to hear this. I don't have anything else to say other than you make me smile and I hope you will be happy

[Lisa]

Pull your head out of your ass, or the clouds. Wherever it is, you do not need to be looking for a fucking date.

Your relationship is over. You need to heal. You need to figure out your living situation. You need to think of your kids, and Joel's daughter.

Grow the fuck up already and be an adult. The mess is there to deal with and you have to clean it up.

After that is taken care of, think of dating.

You have admitted that your emotional issues started at a young age, which means that you are stuck at that age. You have, I am sure, talked about this with your therapist.

So talk about it again. You are not ready to date. Or laugh about it with Joel. That just shows the issues you both have.

I think you are great. You have issues, I have issues, shit, everyone has issues. So don't take it personally, but I hope you think about it and see if it applies to you.

[Jen]

Amanda, I am so so sorry to hear about you and Joel. Ending a relationship with someone you love is hell, and I really feel for you.

As for the dating thing, it would probably be best for you to take a break for a little bit and heal. It's never a good idea to jump right in after a break up with someone you love. Also, think of your daughter. You are her biggest role model and she needs to see that you do not need to run from man to man to man for happiness. Use therapy and friends to get you through this, and when you are in a healthier place, that is the time to jump back into the dating pool. The wait is best for you, your children, and whoever your next date may be.

[Kendra]

My unsolicited advice is.. (in order)...

Get a job, a real job that can support you & your kids. A job you can make real $$ from and have some possibility of advancement. You have a degree right? Put it to use.. even in another field. Many jobs require "any" college degree just to apply. So pick a field and try. This job you have now is for college kids and people in their early 30's without kids, etc. This needs to be your #1 priority. Attend workshops, job fairs, check with the employment office, etc. Don't give up.

Everything else, dating, etc. is secondary. Otherwise, you are going to wake up and find yourself a 60 year old vagina stylist leaving off welfare - forever.

[Caroline]

The advice you're getting here may be hard to accept, but I think it is sound advice. Do make the children your first priority.

[Faraway Reader]

I am sorry to read this. And shocked, really.

I gotta say I agree with the advice of focusing on all the kids first before dating.

They have had another loss also.

[Kait]

Any advice I would give (take a break, focus on your kids, get a job even if you hate it so long as it pays the bills for now) has been said.

So I will just say I'm very sorry about your break up.

[Rachael]

I'm so sorry. The breakups I hate the most are the ones where it's not for a lack of love, but something else getting in the way. It just seems so unfair. I know you'll be okay, it has been amazing to watch you come into yourself and become so insightful, and I know you'll do well, but that doesn't help it be less hard right now.