Today's horrifying epiphany: WHAT IF OPRAH WAS RIGHT?!

Last week started off pretty rough for me and that meant that on Tuesday and Wednesday, I ate almost nothing until after 8:00 at night. I even had the existential experience of stopping at the grocery store on my way home from work and being so utterly overwhelmed by the idea of food that after 20 minutes of wandering around triggering automatic freezer lights and staring blankly at lunch meat, I turned around and walked out empty-handed. I only ended up eating that night because Joel took me out to dinner. The following night, I only ate because my friend Terry BROUGHT me dinner.

So it turns out the more upset I am, the less I eat. I've been upset a lot lately because I'm feeling my feelings. Trust me when I say I hate that phrase as much as you do. I know it sounds all douchey and new agey, but I mean it in the truest sense: I'm PHYSICALLY feeling my feelings. I'm letting them happen and not trying to push them away. Instead of saying "I'm not going to think about [insert bad news]! I'm just going to march forward like everything is fine!" I'm acknowledging that sometimes I get bad news and it makes me feel like shit. What's worse is that because of all this therapy, I completely understand WHY I feel like shit. It's all starting to make sense to me.

So, naturally, when I went to therapy on Friday, we talked about my weirdorexia. Ramona's not worried about the weight loss so much as she's worried about how I'm not eating even though I'm physically hungry. She asked me a bunch of questions and I explained how the more chaos I feel in my brain, the less likely I am to want to eat. That I literally feel sick when I'm upset and even though I'm hungry, the idea of food disgusts me.

She suggested that maybe that just might be... progress.

Then she wondered if maybe I'm losing weight because I'm getting better.

What if all this work I'm doing (which I may or may not have mentioned SUUUUCKS!) to get emotionally healthy is doing EXACTLY WHAT OPRAH SAID IT WOULD DO!?!?

Oprah's theory (and the reason she's always been against gastric bypass surgery) is that the obese tend to overeat to fill their emotional holes and that as soon as they figure out who/what/when/where/why those holes exist, they magically lose weight. I maybe sorta suspected she was right (and also that she was pretty fucking lucky to have the most famous therapist since Freud at her beck and call). My push back was that who knew WHEN I was finally going to get my shit together? Or if I could even afford it? Therapy can take YEARS! What if I died from the complications of my obesity before I figured out why I was eating?

So I flipped Oprah the bird and had surgery.

And I got back down to my "normal" weight. I never dealt with my shit; I just couldn't eat enough to be obese anymore. No, it wasn't easy and yes, it took balls, but it was approximately 736 percent less painful than therapy has been for me. 

So Ramona wants me to deal with my shit, which is how she broke my brain on Friday...

You know how you have this idea in your head of how much you weigh? Or what size you are? It's how you picture your true self, even if it's not your current size. Even if it's not the size you're supposed to weigh. Just the YOU size, you know? Usually it's the size you were in high school.

For me that size has always been a 12/14, which on my frame means around 180-185 pounds. I think of myself and have ALWAYS thought of myself as a double-digit girl. It's just who I am, right? It doesn't even bother me. I'm comfortable with that size. It was only after I got bigger that I felt like I wasn't "myself." It's also why stepping on the scale this morning and seeing 169 felt really weird. Almost too small. Not me.

But what if my "normal" weight isn't my normal weight after all?

"What if the REAL Amanda is actually a size six?"

Wait, WHAT?!?!

When Ramona said that I was, like, whatchu talkin' bout Willis? Because Amanda CAN'T be a thin person. That's just not ME.

Then I realized there are plenty of 5'7" women who are a size six. Or eight. Or TWO!

But I can't even imagine myself as one of those women. Which has probably been one of my problems all along. NO ONE has ever conceived of me as a small person, much less myself.

I have absolutely no clue if it's true or not, but it's a brain-breaking train of thought, isn't it? Maybe the combination of therapy and medication is finally making my brain healthy. What if my healthy brain is also a SKINNY brain?

What if after shedding Matryoshka doll after Matryoshka doll in therapy, the real me is that tiny doll in the middle? 

You know, the SOLID one.

Crazy!

Comments

[Sara]

This one had me laughing and crying at the same time. You were so quick to point out how skinny I am, yet it's so hard for me to see myself as skinny. To me, I'm still the overweight teen growing up, or maybe even the obese mom of a few years ago. It's pretty hard still to accept the recent weight loss. I'm glad your therapist has helped you to figure out what's going on (or at least hopefully), and hope you can wrap your brain around it. Take care!!

[Rachel R.]

This post worries me. It sounds like a lot of the way many women think, and that's a bad thing. "I will be normal and feel better once I reach a size six or once I reach a size four." In my case, that's a size two (that's what I was in my early 30s; my high school size was below a zero; very fast metabolism, and I'm short). This sounds similar to that logic of problems being solved if the weight gets low enough or the end goal being to be tiny (I know that you are saying essentially the opposite, but the idea is the same). I don't buy into it. Yes, 5'7" women can be a size six (not a size two; that is far too small), but it also depends on bone structure, etc. There are a lot of factors that go into "healthy weight." My half-sister is 5'7" and is far too tiny at a six but gorgeous and healthy in a 10 (I mention "half-sister" because we have totally different frames and bone structures). Plus, I'm concerned that your therapist telling you that not eating is making progress. The way that you are not eating is destructive to your body. You need nutrients and calories to be healthy and regulate blood sugar. Gauging mental health by food intake is not healthy, in my opinion.

[Amber]

Ooh, I love the end of this. Well said.

[Valerie]

While I can appreciate your train of thought and your therapist's....not eating is NOT a healthy way to lose weight Amanda! Science has proven again and again that your body goes into starvation mode when you don't eat and when you do return to normal eating patterns, you will gain weight back. Your body is eating away at any muscle you may have. Please eat again soon...be mentally AND physically healthy.

[Amanda P. Westmont]

Oh, Val, I AM eating. Promise. And when I DO eat, it's healthy and plentiful. It's just when I get really upset that I can't eat. Mostly, I'm just eating less and drinking protein shakes, etc. Basically, I'm eating exactly how I ate right after my surgery. I'm also pounding vitamins like a maniac. ;)

[Amy]

It's not the progress you're making that is causing you to not eat. It's the Wellbutrin. That's why they don't prescribe it to people with a history of eating disorders.

[Faraway Reader]

This post and the other one are worrying. It can be a very slippery slope. Take care of yourself !

[Rachel R.]

I also want to mention that using food to stifle your feelings goes both ways. I know people on both sides where they over or under-eat to deal with negative emotions. Right now, it very much sounds like you're doing the latter. I just think that it is dangerous to equate being small and not eating to getting mentally healthier.

[Anon]

1) it might be the wellbutrin causing you not to eat, it's known to do that

2) if you are eating as little as you claim, your metabolism will shut down and may never recover, and when you return to a regular intake of calories, you'll gain a bunch right back. Prepare yourself mentally for that.

[Elizabeth]

I love the illustration at the ending of this post.
At least you are recognizing when & why you don't eat & why you do; a lot of people fail to do so & become mental & physical prisoners of their body.
It seems like control is a focus of some things you are dealing with (right there with you!) Like the others, there are some health concerns, why are you eating NOW, like after your gastric bypass? You are physically not that person.
Kudos on progress, endurance during the times of shit, & keep on embracing life's lessons.

[Shannon]

I would bet money on this being caused by the Wellbutrin. I don't know if that would be upsetting or a relief to you, but this whole experience sounds textbook Wellbutrin-y to me.

[AngstyJen]

Would it be missing the point of the story if I said that I take Wellbutrin and still eat way too much? I think you are definitely losing the weight because you're feeling your feelings...I just started Weight Watchers again because feelings = ouchy.

[MacMadame]

Sorry, but I think Oprah is full of it. I ate because I was hungry all the time. I had WLS and now I'm only hungry when I need food. End of story.

I actually got a book on Emotional Eating pre-WLS because I figured if I was going to pay some dude thousands of dollars to cut me up, I might as well make sure I had my emotional shit in order. And after two chapters I was bored to tears and it was pretty clear I didn't eat to stuff down my feelings.

Also, don't you think Oprah has had more therapy than God? Yet she's still fat.