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GRAVY

  • My first novel started with a mole. Yes, a MOLE - a freckle, a birthmark, whatever you want to call it.
  • I was at the pool with my daughter getting ignored by our swim instructor when a lifeguard with a particularly ripped abdomen walked by. He stopped to flirt with one of the female lifeguards and my eyes flew directly to an adorable mole on the top can of his six-pack.
  • "How cute!" I thought (among other things). "He looks like a character in a romance novel!"
  • So I went home and started writing fiction for the first time. That was over a year ago and I still haven't been able to stop. GRAVY is the story of a suburban housewife who wants another baby, but gets a man with a mole instead.
  • GRAVY is now available on Kindle and Nook!

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« On anger and kicking my own ass | Main | My garage: BEFORE and AFTER »

April 25, 2012

Comments

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MeowDotCom

read you archives before and pretty sure this is the best post ever

Crystal

Love it! I laughed from the very beginning!!! I soooo wish you lived closer so you could be my vagina stylist!

cindy w

Ok, yeah, I love the idea of having farm-fresh organic eggs in my house, but OMG. You pretty much cemented that I'm never getting chickens, ever. Because eww.

Good job cleaning all of that, though. I can't even imagine it. That's gonna be one hell of a bonfire at your house.

Jules

I have no words . . .except thank you for sharing. I think.

Rex

I'm a little dumbfounded that Kick-Ass was the movie of choice for a kindergartener, first grader, and second grader to watch. It was a great movie for a 30 something year old guy, but I'm surely not going to let my kids watch it. Next thing you know they would be asking for switchblades and butterfly knives for their birthdays.

Ga

Made me laugh so hard:
"my clients will now have the privilege of experiencing the cleanest pubes towels ever known to pubes-kind."

Ames

Maybe I'm missing something...why are the chickens inside? :-)

Bonnie

OMG I laughed and HARD.

Vivian

I thought you worked at a salon? Why are you taking the pubes towels home, especially if you don't own the salon?

Amanda P. Westmont

Answers! I haz them:

The chickens are inside because they're still babies and if we let them out with the rest of the flock, they will get EATEN. No joke. (Chickens are VICIOUS and CRUEL!) (Unless you have a bag of scratch in your hands and then they looooooove you.) We pretty much have to wait until they're full grown before letting them outside.

I do work at a salon! But it doesn't have a laundry facility on site, so we all take turns washing the dirty towels at home.

meme

Have to second Rex & raise my eyebrows on the choice of Kick-Ass for the age group given (6-8 year olds, yes?), but the rest of the story was pretty funny.

Abby

UGH. Sorry but there is NO WAY I would bring nasty pube towels home to wash in my own personal washing machine that I WASH MY CHILDREN'S CLOTHES in. Not enough bleach in the world.

Amanda P. Westmont


Let me guess, Abby, you've also never had a Brazilian wax!

My job pays well for a reason - it isn't a job everyone wants to do. Not having a squick factor is pretty much a prerequisite. We all have pubes! It's no big deal.

Meredith

Oh, Amanda darling, I just know we'd be such good friends if I lived near you!

And your story just makes me feel so much better about charging my 11 year-old son $88 for 1) the things he bought at eBay using my account - including $16 for a broken iPod ("as is - parts only" was in the heading!) and 2) the bicycle helmet he broke while throwing a tantrum.

I have now installed parental controls on the computer.

I completely comprehend your choice of movie for your kids (not that I've seen that one). You know your kiddos best and what's appropriate for them. We took ours to see "Wrath of the Titans" a few weeks ago and I kept trying to cover my 9 year-old daughter's eyes. She finally turned to me and said, "Mom! It's not real!"

I hope your pasta was delicious!

Gwen

I guess I am in the minority here, but this is disgusting to me. I knew your home wasn't clean after what you write (like your whole house being the dog's toilet) and seeing the mess that abounds in your various photos. But this.....I don't even know what to say. I feel bad for the kids because I am sure stranger's pubic hairs get stuck in their clothes from the washer and dryer. I can just picture the kid's fleece which grabs hair like a magnet, and it is beyond words. You've lived in this rental all this time and haven't cleaned the bathroom ever even after previous tenants? I don't care if you rarely use it. You still admit that you do in fact use it. Also, isn't the basement Joel's daughter's area? You have a child living around that indoor chicken coop smell that you say stinks up the entire basement? I'm floored.This whole thing is just embarrassing. I am actually really embarrassed for you. you seem proud though.You said in your comment that you are answering questions, so here's the most important question of all that I hope you can answer, does anything actually embarrass you? With all the explicit talk of your sex life and constant graphic vagina talk (of yours and others) has left me wondering if you are actually embarrassed or ashamed of anything?

Amanda P. Westmont


Gwen,

The only thing I'm ashamed of is how many times I switched verb tenses in this post. How embarrassing!

Abby

You're right Amanda, I haven't had a Brazillian. Don't ever wish to either. That's cool...I don't have a problem with your job AT ALL! :) I just can't get past the ick factor of washing my kid's clothes in a washer full of left behind pubes of my clients. Sure we all have pubes...doesn't mean I want my kids wearing other peoples!

Amanda P. Westmont


Seriously, Abby, HOW OLD IS YOUR WASHING MACHINE? Because now that it's working again, mine drains - completely - after every load. I have never found a pube ANYWHERE except the lint trap of my dryer. I also always follow my work towels with a load of our own towels, not because I'm worried about pube contamination, but because I'm afraid of getting bleach on our clothes.

Rita Arens

I am flabbergasted. There are so many solid gold sentences here, I don't even know where to begin.

Is it: chicken-shit trail of tears?

Is it: nothing goes better with the smell of chicken shit than Lynyrd Skynyrd?

Is it the fact you might have neglected to mention that you have actual chickens living in your bathroom?

This is the best thing I have read in five years. I'm going to nominated it for voices of the year.

Abby

2 years old. Still Amanda...yuck.

Stacy @bklynstacy

Brilliant. Just brilliant. I loved it and now I love YOU!

Faraway Reader

Very funny (and honest, which I love)!

FWIW I have always thought your house looked clean and neat in pictures but I guess people see what they want to see.

Hope the chicks can move outside soon !!

Sarah

Ick, that's a load of towels I'd be hauling to the laundromat.

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