Last week I started running again. Sure, I've gained a few pounds since we moved into Casa de Fooda, but that's not the reason I'm doing it. I'm doing it for my braaaaaaaaains.
It turns out I have some, uh... ANGER issues that I need to address.
It's not so much that I'm walking around pissed off all the time like some bitchy New York City waitress, but when I DO get angry, I get REALLY REALLY ANGRY. Like, I WILL CUT YOU angyr. And I know I've talked about the anger/fear/sorrow cycle here, but I think my anger has taken on a life of its own. Joel calls it a freight train and once it gets on the tracks, I literally cannot stop myself.
I lose control.
I wake up the morning after and I know that I fucked up, but I honestly can't even REMEMBER half of the cruel, vitriolic things I said. It's like this horrible beast lives inside me and I'll be honest - even I'M afraid of what happens when she comes out. Once I get going, there is NO rational thought left in me. It makes me feel utterly powerless.
And I know I sound like a broken record, but Joel doesn't deserve it. Although he DOES piss me of sometimes (just like I piss him off sometimes) and there are times when my anger at him is completely legitimate, but he never deserves my contempt. I adore him. I revere him. So what the fuck is going on with me that the moment I get on that train, I go straight for his jugular?
Why am I so angry?
I still don't totally understand it. I'm working on it, though, and part of that work is that I need to take better care of myself. I need to kick my own ass. To have that time every day where I go for my own jugular. So I'm running again. And on the days I can't run, I'm doing yoga (on the wii). I'm getting outside every day and working in the dirt. I'm taking the maximum dose of Wellbutrin. I'm trying to find (or put together myself) an anger management support group for women.
But I'm a Do-er. Always have been.
While I know Joel appreciates everything I'm DOing to manage my anger, he'd actually rather I just BE with it. He wants me to be angry. Anger is his favorite emotion. I just need to learn to use it for good instead of evil (which is an entirely different thing than suppressing it). He basically wants me to get to know that beast. Take her out to dinner. Wine and dine her. Feel her up. The better I get to know her, the less control she'll have over me.
Or something like that.
At this point it's all very nebulous to me. All I know is that Joel and I made a pact that we're not arguing AT ALL anymore except in front of our couples counselor. The moment I even feel myself starting to disagree or wanting to bitch at him, I just think: TUESDAY. Nothing is so important that I can't save it until Tuesday and I can't tell you what a relief that has been to me. It's like having an airbag that goes off the second my speed hits ten miles per hour.
The funny thing is that tomorrow is Tuesday and I can't even remember the arguments I planned to bring up. They were THAT insignificant.
Waiting until Tuesday has given us the space to relax. To spend 14 hours in the garden together with nary a moment of discord. To plan our future together, even if it's just whether to plant artichokes or radishes. My anger needed an intervention and as far as I'm concerned, the beast got one.