The Effexor continues to be my happy drug of choice. The change was pretty immediate and aside from some very occasional nausea and headachey business that only ever happens when I forget to take my medication on time or forget to take it with food, I feel like it's been helping a lot. My anxiety is still there, but it's somehow more manageable and I feel like the longer I'm on the drug, the better it's going to work on that piece of my brain.
Mostly, though, I just feel mellow.
It's actually the reason I haven't felt much like writing - I'm fine all of a sudden. Happy. Not crazy-non-stop-action-social-butterfly-MANIC happy, but plain old I-can-finally-be-alone-for-more-than-an-hour-without-freaking-out HAPPY. Within days Joel was already remarking that I was less "edgy*" and even my therapist noticed right away that I seemed gentler than usual. But it was my BFF, Sara, who nailed it when she came over on Monday after we hadn't seen each other for a week. She said, "If I didn't know you so well, I'd think you just smoked a fatty."
The best part is now that I'm sleeping through the night again (Effexor is a bit of an upper, which can make it hard to sleep), my energy level is back to normal. Not MANIC, like I sometimes get, but normal. I feel like me again**. If anything, I'm beginning to worry that I'm TOO normal. Maybe I'll miss all those highs and lows? I get a lot of shit done when I'm manic!
Of course, since I know you're all DESPERATELY concerned about my vagina, I'm not gonna lie: the sexual side effects have been a bit of a problem. My libido has changed. Don't get me wrong, I still WANT to have sex every day, I just don't NEED to. I sometimes fall asleep with my back snuggled up against Joel, having completely FORGOTTEN to come on to him.
I KNOW, RIGHT?!
It turns out this is a good thing, actually, because my libido was always a bit of a pain in the ass for both of us. Having sex because you WANT to - not just because you become a stark raving bitch without it - is actually pretty nice. There's no pressure. No expectations. No disappointment for either of us. And best of all -- no stark raving bitch!
Unfortunately, I am loathe to report that it has taken me nearly two weeks to re-locate my clitoris. It pretty much disappeared there for a while, which was no fun for anyone. I would get SO CLOSE! And despite giving it the old college try time after time, I would just stay there surfing the edge, but never quite getting off. Finally, about a week ago, after days with literally ZERO alone time, Joel suggested we go to bed and just read for a while (a common theme here considering we ran out of heating oil two weeks ago and our bedroom is the warmest room in the house).
"Actually, honey?" I cringed. "I think I need some ME time. IfyouknowwhatImean." I wanted to see if my orgasm was broken and clearly it was something I needed to figure out on my own.
"Take your time," he answered with a ridiculous grin on his face.
Fortunately, it turned out I was the right man for the job. 45 minutes later (FORTY-FIVE MINUTES, PEOPLE!!!), I texted him: "Come to bed. Project O was a success."
We made love like lunatics that night and the next time I got paid, I went straight out and bought myself my new best friend:
The Hitachi Magic Wand is a bit of a legend. I'd actually been avoiding this purchase for months, especially after hearing so many stories of women who can't get off without them. (No one hears better sex stories than a professional Brazilian waxer!) It's a "back massager" that basically has two settings: Clinical Hysteria (LOW) and You'll Never Walk Again (HIGH). The first time I used it, I went off like an egg timer in under three minutes. It isn't ALWAYS that easy for me (it seems to depend on the time of day, how long since I took my medication, etc.), but even if I don't get off, the Hitachi makes me FEEL like I did. I've had to turn it off several times already just so my decibel level won't wake up the children.
It's THAT good.
(And no, no one paid me to say that. This is not an endorsed post. I only wish!)
So the Effexor isn't PERFECT, but with the help of my new best friend "The Thunderdome," I'm making it work. Tomorrow starts my first PMDD week after changing from Zoloft and I can already tell I'm going to be fine. I'm far too mellow to become that insane angry person again.
But I promise to keep you posted.
* "Edgy" being my man's polite way of saying I suddenly stopped acting like a bitch.
** "Me" meaning I clearly haven't lost my ability to overshare!