Who is this girl and what has she done with the real me?

Since leaving the Matrix, I feel like I've not only lost the history that made me who I was, but I've experienced a complete loss of self. I'm not that girl I used to be.* And it seems funny that the moment I started learning how to feel my feelings was also the moment I lost who I was.

But I miss me.

Joel misses me.

I used to be so fearless and full of YES. Now I'm scared and tired and full of maybe. Joel keeps asking me what happened to the Mandafesto poster because we need to hang it back up at the new house. I need to be reminded to live like that again.

It's obviously the first point - BE WHO YOU ARE - that I'm having the most trouble with. How can I be who I am if I have no idea who that is? I'm trying to feel my way through it and promise to write about it as I go, (I already started that journey in today's post at yearofsundays...) but I'm starting with the easy parts. Tonight I'm going to a comedy show (LAUGH!) and tomorrow night I'm going 80's dancing (DANCE!). I'm also doing both of these activities with or without Joel. I feel like I've been leaning on him too much and I need to find that spark that used to help me lean on my own damn self.

It's not his job to make me happy, it's mine. I need to remember that.

* I should also mention that I started feeling this loss of self long before I went on any medications. I actually think it started over the summer...

Comments

[Nancy]

Don't despair. I think this is simply another phase in your development. Greater things and better feelings (including confidence and fearlessness) are coming your way some day.

That was my experience after I left a lousy first marriage. For me, time alone was invaluable as I recovered a bit and learned to just "be". I just needed quiet, an earned respite from years of worry and stress and doubt.

Like you, I went through an initial period of kind of over compensating. I wonder if maybe you're rebounding from that? Too much intensity, that all felt good, but was just part of that rebound. (NOT that Joel is necessarily a rebound relationship -- but that your emotions and overall being are rebounding a bit.) It's a natural oscillation as you settle down to your new life.

But truly -- give yourself a break. Feel what you're feeling but don't make it MEAN so much. Rely on yourself for awhile, and just "be". I really think that if you ride out this wave, you'll like the destination, wherever it happens to be.

[amanda]

I definitely think it's time to start paying attention to the Mandafesto again. Hang in there, girlie.

[Banana]

You have everything you ever wanted. The man of your dreams, the kids, the job you love, the sweet house. Of course you're freaking out. Everything was going too well! Something had to blow up on your face and prove you right. But it didn't so you did. Been there. You'll slowly get there I promise.

[Debbie]

You're still in there. And you'll make it back out with your mojo, I promise! {{{hugs}}}

[Curly Girl]

You'll want to slap me, but I think feeling the loss of self is a GREAT step. As someone whose dealt with depression for some time, and currently going through a bout right now, much of it is currently centered on finding out who I really am. Overcompensation and frantic has always been my MO. The failed out broken-hearted college student to the 50 hours a week between three jobs to sashaying single lady to being married, a step-mom, and then pregnant. Now that My life has finally reached a truly good place (stable, healthy relationship, not broke, gainful employment, etc) I'm freaking out because there is very little chaos for me to thrive on.

IT suuuuuuuucks feeling directionless, but I'm convinced once you find your direction, you'll kick ass at heading down that path. Big hugs and good thoughts, and know that we all have your back. I'll wear a sparkly shirt tomorrow and dance to some 80's music with the kiddos in your honor. :)

[Faraway Reader]

I had a hard time shifting from a very unhealthy relationship to one that was healthy and loving.

I kept waiting for him to Rage, Leave or Cheat. Dysfunction had become my normal. I had to decide to change that.

I don't know if that is the case for you or not but you have had A LOT of big changes in a short time.

Therapy, therapy and more.

You are worthy of good things and love.
I hope things get better soon.

[Nicola]

I have little to add as I haven't had to deal with the stuff you are going through. I just wanted to say that please do whatever it takes to keep yourself sane and happy. There are lots of people who are rooting for you and who admire you for how you are living your life - warts and all!

[Grypo]

I think it's easy to miss you from a time when you weren't as aware of your issues.

You are no longer just trying to survive a bad marriage or single parenting or dating, you are probably more aware of yourself than usual and it's hard to come to terms with being, hmm, is defect a bad word in this context? Cause that is how I feel a lot of the time.

And it sucks, because I kinda thought that once I grabbed a hold of the proverbial bull it would fix itself. Fuck no. Now starts the hard work. It looks like you're also experiencing that transition.

[Ashley]

I agree with Nancy. I think it's natural for you to be settling into a new version of yourself right now. Things were CRAZY after the divorce. A whirlwind. Lots of overcompensating for years of restriction. I'm not sure if that is sustainable, and it's ok. Also, we are always changing. Everyday we are different. Nothing in life is permanent, so allow change to happen. Give yourself the patience and compassion to be quiet and still especially after so much chaos. Maybe tomorrow or next week or next year you'll genuinely feel that *need* to mix it up, but GIRL enough has been shaken up for you lately. Be still and keep in the light. This too shall pass.

[A]

Okay, remember a few posts ago when you wrote that no one, least of all you, would be surprised if you ended up with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder? I was the commenter who wrote about my own path to a bipolar diagnosis and told some of the concern trolls to stop trying to diagnose you via a blog. Well... what you're writing about here sounds like the bottom of the mood cycle. Keep documenting your moods. Keep talking to a therapist. Keep taking your meds. Get enough sleep, but not too much. Make sure you spend some time in sunshine if you can, every day. Exercise if you can. (I know, when you're depressed, it's like, "Exercise? Fuck that" but even ten minutes of stretching is better than nothing.) Take fish oil supplements (vitamin aisle at Target). Fight for your sense of self with everything you've got. When you're going through Hell, KEEP GOING.