The hardest post I've ever written

Stop me if you've heard this before, but when I'm avoiding my blog, it's usually for one reason and one reason only: I AM NOT OKAY. These past few weeks are no exception. I don't think I've ever been this not okay before and I'm long over due to talk about it.

Shortly after I clicked publish on that Super! Happy! Post! about the house and the kids and the Christmas tree and my lovely lover's ridiculous grin, I started to go rather swiftly downhill. I noticed, but tried to ignore the fact that I was suddenly feeling less happy and lots more annoyed.

I think ANGRY is the word I'm looking for here.

It took me a few days to really work up to it, but by that weekend I was basically a walking case of road rage. I have a vivid memory of scrubbing the bathroom floor that Saturday in a fit of murderous, blood-thirsty violence. Of course, since I wasn't exactly in my right mind, I directed all this anger at the easiest target in my life: Joel. How dare he be outside decorating for Christmas with Liza while I'm on my hands and knees cleaning the previous tenant's piss off the floor! (Not that I actually WANTED to be out there helping, mind you, but still.) How dare he insist that Alex clean the mess he made in the yard! How dare he sleep when I can't! How dare he BREATHE!

This was unpleasant, indeed, but it got a lot worse. I had somehow lost the ability to see anything good in my life. Forget the fact that Joel is the best person I have ever known or that I love the crap out of him, the only feeling I had inside me was anger. I finally understand the meaning of the term: BLIND RAGE. (Although only through the benefit of hindsight because at the time I thought it was all perfectly justified.)

By Monday night we were childless and I tried to convince myself that I was feeling better, but mostly I felt restless, like there are spiders crawling in my belly. We planned a nice dinner and drove out together to get the needed ingredients. Joel held my hand and we kissed while picking wine at Trader Joe's. I still didn't feel like myself.

Dinner was magnificent. The wine was perfect, but I drank it too fast and was instantly tipsy. Actually, if I'm being honest, I got drunk. And since I was feeling miserable and my inhibitions disappeared along with the last of the wine, the anger surged back with a vengeance and I unleashed it on Joel, who'd done nothing wrong except make me a damn fine dinner.

I sat there over my empty pasta bowl and berated the love of my life for I don't know how long. Until I ran out of steam. His only response was silence. Deafening, dreadful silence. Later, when he got up and went to bed without saying goodnight to me (which was perfectly reasonable given how badly I'd just hurt him), I totally lost my mind. I went crazy and slammed doors and told him "fuck you" and...

God.

I slept in Genoa's bed that night. Although "sleep" isn't really the right word. It was more like eight hours of silent screaming in my own head. It took more than 24 hours for the fog of that rage to lift. Even then, it took Joel sitting me down the following night and telling me in great detail what I'd done and how it made him feel.

I didn't even remember most of it, which I'd love to attribute to the wine, but I'm a rather professional drinker and rarely ever lose my memory.

It was the rage. I had lost my rational mind to it.

Then, while Joel and I were talking about it, this thing happened to me, which at the time felt like the worst thing that had ever happened to me, but which will probably end up being one of the five greatest moments of my entire life:

I saw myself.

And what I saw was a woman who had completely lost control.

Which was a disturbingly vivid image given all the work I've been doing lately to reconcile my childhood crap. I grew up with a mother who was perfectly happy and congenial right up until the moment she wasn't. And when she WASN'T happy and congenial, she was emptying the dishwasher by throwing dishes at my older brother while I hid downstairs protecting my younger siblings from the shrapnel. She was throwing my Nintendo off the back balcony because I didn't come to the dinner table fast enough. She was screaming through the phone that if I went through with my gastric bypass surgery (against her wishes), "all of [my] children were going to be deformed!"

Or she was calling to tell me in explicit detail - on the same day when my blog readers had saved my life and kept my electricity on and paid my rent for a month - everything that was wrong with me and my little family.

So when I finally stepped back and saw myself, I saw my mother too and my mind blurred through a hundred memories of how I had acted exactly like her.

Because if I really think about it, I've done this all my life - gotten so angry that I was not even remotely in my right mind. I did it to Dave on a monthly basis throughout most of our marriage. (Although in his case the rage was justified. He'd earned every red drop of it.)

But Joel?

He does NOT deserve my rage. Not at all.

Neither do my CHILDREN.

Joel would never let anyone talk to me the way I talked to him that night. Because he loves me. And it was his love that allowed me to see myself for the first time. It was his love that made me believe him when he told me that I'm not okay. That I have a lot of work to do.

So I'm doing that work.

But oh my god, you guys, it is so much work.

Comments

[Canadian Rachel]

Hugs, darling. This sounds like a breakthrough to me. They hurt like motherfuckers, but things get better afterwards.

A big fucking gold medal and a hug for Joel, too.

[Julie G]

Epiphanies are scary but quite insightful things. I'm glad you had yours before it got any worse.

[Rachel R.]

That was amazingly brave to admit, and it opened my eyes to my own rage that I've been dealing with over the years but especially lately. I have been acting exactly how you just described toward my husband. He has been acting similarly, so our household can feel like a battleground lately. I need to step back and work this out for my baby's sake. Thank you so much for writing this. We need to blow off some steam together. I think some dancing may be in order.

[Canadian Rachel]

Also: that's abuse you endured and continue to endure from your mother, right? We're calling it what it is, here? ABUSE. No wonder you thought that's what love necessarily involved. At the age when your brain was forming, a connection was made: the person who loves you best in the world is the person who screams and throws dishes.

Bah. More hugs. I am so, so sorry, and so, so proud of you for finally looking this thing in the eye.

[Kendra]

Where did this rage come from? Did something recently happen to cause it? On your twitter feed you mentioned your stalker had filed a lawsuit against you? Was this related?

And is Joel still there?

[Lori]

Hugs. Just...hugs.

[DorianTB]

Amanda, having grown up in a family with so many emotional problems we need a scoreboard (and a few therapists) to keep track, I can sympathize with the raging meltdown you described. Even my dear late mom, usually the most lovable person in the room as well as the sanest, occasionally lost it and went nutzoid sometimes. Although I don't know the specific nature of your particular issues, I can assure you that you're not alone in having a lot of "work" to do. I'm confident that you'll overcome the difficulties you're facing, and that both you and Joel, as well as your children, will eventually be stronger and happier as a result. We're rooting for you all!

[Sally]

It takes a big person to see and define something not-wonderful about themselves. You're wonderful and loving and flawed, just like the rest of us. Yes, the work will be hard, but I'm sure there are a lot of us children of abusive/rage-y parents who realize that if OUR parents had had the moment you just had, then our lives would have been so much better. There's hope for you and your kids to break the cycle. You can do it. You can do anything as long as you know it needs to be done and you want to do it.

[Nicole]

Hang in there, girl! You are strong, and you will prevail!!

[Nancy]

Good for you for having that flash of insight. Now to deal with it. Good therapy, perhaps an antidepressant to help lighten the load, time and love of a good man will all help. :-)

[Joan]

It's been one big fucking ride this year...time to get off the merry go round. You have all the tools to do that...a good man..great kids...a job...great internet friends.. now you just have to believe in yourself and make it happen. I wish you well.

[cindy w]

Oof. Oh, babe. The insight you gained is a good thing. The consequences of that insight are a bitch. It IS a lot of work, but totally worth it in the long run. Breaking that cycle will probably be one of the best things you could ever do for yourself.

Rooting for you. Always.

[sye520]

That description of the rage you wrote, my goodness, that is exactly it with me too. Building up a rage over time, to the point where you become a ticking time bomb and unleashing on the most undeserving people around you (in my case my husband). Do you physically feel spent after that? That's how I feel. When I unloaded the same rage once on my daughter, I woke up the next morning and started seeing a therapist. It scared the hell out of me and I was ashamed of myself. I did not do anything to harm her, but I lost it and screamed and upset her and I never ever wanted to do it again. It took a while to cope with it. It's not that you don't feel rage, but after a while, you feel it coming on, like a migrane, and you intervene to stop it from becoming worse. Whether it's talking to yourself and walking yourself off the ledge of escalation or stepping outside and taking a walk or turning on the TV to distract yourself, you learn to find some coping mechanisms. Good luck.

[Lauren]

Thanks for that. I feel like I just looked in a mirror.

[Miss A]

New to your blog. Read so much of it by now, related to everything e v e r y t h i n g!
You're better than the rage. I have so much faith that you will heal.

[Jamie]

Oh wow, I can SO relate to this I'm sorry to say.

[A]

This. I did this. I threw a glass jar of green olives across the kitchen during a rage at the love of my life. Then we went to therapy together and I had a similar breakthrough.

This was over a year ago, and I did a lot of work. My stuff was all tied up in my memories of my mother, too. She... sounds a lot like yours.

Things got better. One small thing at a time. For me, it was a classic case of "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." This first step? Was the hardest. Congrats. You've gotten that part over with.

[Julie Marsh]

Love to you, Amanda. I'm always rooting for you.

[jules]

i unfortunately can also relate. It starts out as in irritation and will sometimes escalate in a (luckily) short-lived rage. I lose it enough that J will ask me at times if i'm happy. We both hate to see me mad . . it's so shameful to lose your cool with your kids . . . I try to count, go to the bathroom and just let it out and it usually works. But I do raise my voice too often. I suppose i need therapy too . . .:) Hang in there-I have faith in you. And hugs to Joel for the way he's handling it (you!).

[AmyH]

I'm amazed at all the comments that say "I can relate" or "Thanks for this post because you helped me see what is going on with me." It must be amazing to SEE how you made a difference in someone's life. Right here. Right now. Very cool.
I hope you have more good days than bad. I hope your mom learns from this rather than reverting to rage. I hope your stalker gets hit with a bad case of karma. I hope Joel can be strong.

Best wishes.

[taylor k]

Your mom sounds like my mom, and i see my own rage coming out on the wrong people all too often these days... Im about to loose my house and my car and we are almost completly out of food. Its more emotional than i ever thought it could be. Personal growth is a pretty scarey thing, huh?!

[Kheatherg]

I get so angry sometimes i want to bite something. My mom did this, my grandmother, (im sure) did this. I think a part of it is natural and being self aware allows me to deal with it and most of the time, combat it. But with life in general, pms, hormones, struggles, finances, etc. it just builds up and BAM! But again, i know when it's comming, i feel it, and i try to "manage" it.

My mom did crazy ass shit when i was a kid too. Back then, i used to think she'd lost her damn mind, and as i get older, sometimes i think i lose my damn mind with my husband and children.

Here's the thing though, it was a different time back then, different parenting and a different way to "deal" with things. As the years have gone by, i've realized, she prolly had no idea how crazy she was in some of the shit she did or said with us. Maybe in today's society, it would be considered abuse, but i would never want to label my mom as abusing me. We've never seen eye-to-eye on everything and she has chewed my ass (even as an adult) on more than one occasion, but because she says things i dont want to hear, (that are usually hurtful) or because she also had melt downs when i was a kid, i wouldnt want anyone thinking i was abused. Otherwise, (especially since mine are teenage girls) i would be considered an abuser because i've had melt downs.

Please dont think i'm being bitchy with you, i enjoy reading your blog and love to see your personal journey, but in reading it all, i also know that you've written a hundred times that your parents are your biggest champions, i would hate for this post to turn into "i'm screwed up today because my mom did such-n-such 20 years ago" When in fact, we are all screwed up today, one way or another. Even if some of us came from June and Ward Cleaver. (Which, by the way, those adults are way to passive and fakey for me, lol)

[charlene]

My mom must know your mom. Expect the oldest and youngest could do no wrong. I took all of the heat for everything. Holidays were stressful to the point that I have horrible anxiety through the holidays. My dear husband gets the brunt of my crazy actions. This year we caught it early and pieced it together. Upped my crazy meds, got atavain and have a plan for next year. Therapy, atavan, exercise and up the meds again. My thought is just because my mother made the holidays hell for us my family will not have to experience that mess. Apolgize to Joel, verbalize how it feels when you go into a rage, get a plan in place and work with your therapist. You will find your peace soon. Remember to take care of yourself 1st. even if it means taking a walk by yourself, locking yourself in a room to read, write in a private journal and let Joel when you start to feel this way. Lean on him becease good men like to fix the issue. I can give you the perfect example. We were heading towards my dad the weekend before Christmas. I was starting to get very anxious because we were not on time (my schedule). My husband stepped in where I had tunnel vision and pointed out to me what was done, what was being done and we were fine. It calmed me immensly and I did not have to take any extra medecine to get through the day. After the day I thanked him and we discussed why it worked. My husband know has knowledge to help me when I can not help myself. Hang tight things will be better

[Liana]

Wow. I too can relate. I hadn't even realized how "angry" I had gotten until one day my six year old daughter said - you are treating me like a piece of trash! I stopped dead in my tracks, called the therapist and my general practitioner and started on an anti-depressant the very next day. It's helped tremendously and now I'm seeing the therapist about these deep rooted anger issues I have. It's not easy, or fun. But I'm going to work through it because NOBODY you love deserves to be treated that way - whether you mean to or not. Good luck to you Amanda, and thank God for Joel. :)

[Katy]

I don't know Amanda - for the past two(?) years, you seem to be stuck in some perpetual cycle of faux happy followed by contrived rage/anger and back again. You say that your rages against Dave were justified but not those against Joel. Is this really true? Or is this just what is convenient for the time being? If you and Joel aren't together two or three years down the road, will you say that your rages against him were also justified? You've expressed borderline euphoria in your interactions with Joel, Dave and your parents over the life of this blog, but now you say that some of it was pretense while others genuine.

I think everything you have been writing about in your blog are just external manifestations of something much deeper. Maybe it was deeper for your mom as well. To me, it sounds awfully like bipolar disorder, which is something I'm personally familiar with. The thing is - with bipolar folks, the only thing that is real is the way the bipolar behaves, because others (your SOs, your children) are directly impacted by the behavior. But all the underlying justifications (Dave was abusive, mom was abusive, Joel is wonderful, home life is wonderful, or whatever story you are currently spinning) may not be. They may be delusions created by your mind to justify your manic up and depressive down behavior.

Again, I'm not saying that there aren't nuggets of truths to the abuse/love you are feeling from the various people in your life - just that if you are in fact suffering from bipolar disorder, smaller actions (both positive and negative) get magnified and your ability to gauge the line between what is reasonable and what is unreasonable is compromised.

You only allow snippets of edited life out on your blog, so this is all hugely speculative. But if any of what I've written rings true, you need help - real certified help. No woohoo shamen stuff, but a doctor who can prescribe medication to you. Or at least just go see, once, what someone like that says. This cycle is not something you can just will yourself out of.

Take care.