If I ever start a band, it'll be called The Boundaries

I had SUCH a great weekend, you guys. I danced too hard and drank too much and talked too loud and got to spend time with (almost) every one of my closest/favoritest girlfriends. I think the following photo pretty much sums it up:

 

 

And yes, to answer the question you're obviously thinking: I *DID* leave the house with that hair. It was 80's night! What can I say?

Not only did I dance my ass off (moonwalk anyone?!), but I spent time at the Portland Art Museum on both Saturday AND Sunday (Joel bought us a membership, FTW!). I cooked for our friends. I tried Lebanese pizza and even ate a bite of Joel's lamb (which still tasted like a barnyard to me). Sunday we went to church, which I'll be writing about soon because we ran into someone TOTALLY unexpected there.

It was such a good weekend that it was (mostly) easy to forget that my parents were in town looking at property and that I had chosen not to see them while they were here. Did I mention the fact that they are planning to move here? Because I probably should have.

Remember that week RIGHT before I freaked on Joel the first time? That was the week I talked to my parents for the first time since last summer. It was the week that instead of confronting them about our relationship, I regretably played the Let's Pretend Everything is Okay Game! It was also the week I heard that my parents are planning to sell their house in California to move here to be closer to my children.

Let that sink in for a minute.

Six months ago I stopped talking to my parents. I stopped answering their phone calls. I didn't return their e-mails or facebook messages. And their response was to decide to sell their house to move closer to me.

Basically, I'm going to lose my two-state buffer zone. My no-fly zone!

When we finally did talk, we all pretended that nothing had happened between us. I wish I'd had the nuts to tell my parents what I was thinking, which was: PLEASE DON'T move here. At least not with any expectation of seeing me or my children any more often than you see them now. But I didn't say that. I played along. Because part of me still wanted their approval. Part of me still wanted to be a good girl.

Since then I've stopped talking to them again and here's why:

I choose me.

The past year has taught me that I can either be a sane(ish) mother to my children OR I can have a relationship with my parents. I've dug deep to try to figure out a way to have BOTH and I just don't see it happening in the short term. Right now my mental health can't take both. Joel loves to remind me how doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. So expecting anything less than the drama I've experienced for 35 years would be insane.

Right now, I have to choose sanity.

I have to choose reality. (Even though it totally sucks.)

Comments

[Attorney at Large]

The best thing I ever did for my sanity was stop talking to my parents. It was a HUGE weight off my shoulders -- and I am so glad they don't live nearby. Hopefully your parents will take the hint and stay away! (Fingers crossed!)

[Jules]

no, no Reality BITES!

That was so much fun . . .oh and don't forget-to add Love Shack to the list of possible names for you new home. . ..

[Sara]

If I'm not mistaken, you went out of the house with that hair on Thursday and it WASN'T 80's night! But it was still fabulous! Can't wait to catch up tonight!

[cindy w]

I love your 80s night hair. I also love how genuinely happy you look.

The parent thing... yeesh. I'm so sorry. I hope you figure out your way through that one, but it sounds like you're on the right path.

[Meredith]

I do believe it will get better for you. Because once you have healed yourself, the mind-fucks that your parents pull will have NO power over you.

My DH, happily, has arrived at that point. He spent many years angry at what they had done (can you say Munchausen), then more years trying to "fix" them, and now, finally, peace.

[Terri]

Forget hints and hoping your parents decide not to move close by. If they are anything like my Borderline/Bipolar sister, they are going to do what they want. I would start living up to the band name NOW and tell them what the boundaries are for yourself and the kids. Then start sticking to them starting now. No more pretending nothing happened/everything is fine. Many personality disordered grandparents stalk their grandkids. IF you can stop them from a 2 state move I'd start sooner rather than later. JMO

[lcg]

Have you told them yet? Or are you just hoping they've read the blog? :)

[Andi Hawkins]

Glad to see you're back, Amanda, I've missed you. I have taken the mandate that "you are responsible for the energy you bring in here" seriously this time. My children are all almost adult now and maybe it's looming empty nest syndrome, but it doesn't feel like I thought it would. Then again, losing my parents didn't feel like I thought it would, either. There are so many more emotions than you ever knew were possible when you stop masking/medicating/ignoring them. I am so with you, it is so hard, but I know it's time to grow up, feel the feelings and move past this place to where I am supposed to be. As a mother of five sons, all of them in a different place emotionally, and now some physically, I regret that squashing the feelings made me extremely passive aggressive (thanks, Mom!). I can only move forward from that now. All I can say is, better now than later, especially with your kids. Find yourself while they're young and can benefit from your hard work. And be transparent. It's impossible to have their trust if you're not transparent that life is hard and sucks and can be really fucked up sometimes. I am really proud of you. And me.