I just restarted my computer for the first time in a few months (it's a Mac, whatcanIsay?) and when I reopened my blog interface at typepad, I had a mini panic attack that included some shortness of breath and nausea that may or may not have been related to my recent decision to go back to taking 43 vitamins every night before bed. It's the second time today I've experienced this weird anxiety and I didn't even catch myself doing it the first time it happened. My THERAPIST did. She asked me how I would feel if I decided at the last minute to join the kids trick-or-treating (with Dave) and apparently, I sat back in my chair and starting wringing my hands while holding my breath.
Meanwhile, my mouth was telling her that I would be totally fine with it.
Not even my body buys my bullshit anymore.
Anyway, I'm going to go out on a ledge and say that I'm experiencing some BLOCKAGE lately. Joel and I spent a good chunk of this morning attempting to diagnose my creative depression and all we could come up with was: I've been REALLY fucking busy. Which is honestly good! I love being busy! I love my new job! I even got my first wedding makeup gig on Saturday:
(Which was the most fun I've ever had before 7AM. The before/afters are up on Flickr...)
And even though things have not AT ALL improved with THAT GIRL, I honestly can't remember ever putting more effort into being there and with and for my children. We even had a super fun Halloween party on Saturday night.
(The rest of the photos are also on Flickr...)
It's ALL been good.
You know, except for the part where I haven't written a single word of fiction this year. Not a one.
I'm so backed up I feel like the Honey Bucket on the last day of the county fair. And this is something The Dude cannot abide because writers WRITE, goddamn it. They sometimes also take care of slightly insane children after waxing vaginas all day, but goddamn it, they still find time to WRITE.
Starting tomorrow, I'm going to write again even if it kills me. It'll be 50,000 words in 30 days, sustained by equal parts coffee and vodka. I plan to publish whatever I write by the end of the year. Wish me luck!