Mandajuice

EIGHT

I don't know how this happened, but according to the calendar, my first baby turned EIGHT today. You'd think after so many years of seeing how fast the time goes I'd be used to it by now (and that I'd be able to stop crying on his birthdays), but you'd be wrong. Motherhood is like ANY good thing: it feels like it just happened yesterday and at the same time it feels like I've been this kid's mom my whole life.

Either way, he's the best thing that ever happened to me. Being his mother is a privilege and there is nothing like a birthday to make me sit back and remind myself how lucky I am.

Every year it feels like I try to find the right words to capture him and every year I fail. Sometimes I couldn't even write anything at all on his birthday and I didn't want that to happen this year because it's been SUCH a year for him. Other kids would have seen it as a difficult year, a year that could probably put at least one therapist's kids through college some day, but Alex has not only survived it, but championed it. Sometimes I wonder how he can be so good at life already when he's only eight years old.

The thing about Alexander is that his spirit is indestructable. He gets angry and sad and has bad days like anyone, but honestly, his enthusiasm can't be trampled. He is a living, breathing benefit of the doubt. And his personality is utterly infectious. I love taking him to church with us because every time I pick him up from Sunday school, I get to hear the same things about him and I always feel proud like the farmer in Charlotte's Web: "That's Some Kid you got there."

Some kid, indeed.

You know those people who radiate so much good that even if you only meet them for five minutes, you feel like you know them and that knowing them makes you feel kinda lucky? Almost as if god was having a really good hair day when he made them? Growing up, my best friend, Jill, and I had a word for people like that: we called them the SHINY people.

Alex is as shiny as it gets.

Other parents might want their kids to grow up and become dentists or stock brokers or preachers, but all I want for Alex is for him to become even more him. I guess I can assume that all parents feel this way about their children, but seriously, I GOT THE VERY BEST ONE.

Happy Birthday, Big Boy. Thanks for showing me exactly where my heart is.

The band so nice they named it twice

When Sarah e-mailed last week to see if I liked Duran Duran and whether I wanted some free tickets in exchange for a blog post, I was on it like white on rice. Or butter on bread. Or leather pants on a rock star. I mean, I was only a kid in the 80's, but Simon LeBon? Will always be Simon LeBon. I couldn't wait to see if he'd aged as well as I'd hoped or if maybe all his band photos had just been photo-shopped. All I had to do to get these tickets was agree to write about it and seriously, I WOULD HAVE WRITTEN ABOUT IT ANYWAY. Win-win.

So on Saturday, after a lovely afternoon BBQ with some good friends, two guitars and a half dozen bottles of wine, we arrived at the venue and had to wait until the band sent our tickets down to will call (which honestly, right there, made us feel purty speshl). We entertained ourselves with my camera, a park bench and, as per usual, some dangerously inappropriate PDA.

(He's not as think as you drunk he is...)

(But I was EXACTLY as think as you drunk I was.)

(AWWWWWW.)

We were DUMBFOUNDED when the tickets finally arrived and we got inside the Theater of the Clouds (which is really just half of the Rose Garden Arena where the Trailblazers play) because they were DEAD CENTER, 6TH ROW. I've never had better seats to anything. EVER. It was hard not to let it go to our heads. Our shiny, sweaty heads...

I'm happy to report that the years have been kind to Mr. LeBon. 

(I'd hit that.)

Duran Duran played a tight set. Unlike a lot of bands of their ilk, instead of only focusing on their latest album, they played mostly hits. I can only imagine that must be the bane of their existence after performing WILD BOYS and the REFLEX thousands of times, but it was exactly what the audience wanted.

Our only complaint was that Simon could've talked more in between songs, but other than that, they sounded the same as they do on the radio and that's pretty much as good as it gets for a rock concert. The crowd also made us both feel exceptionally YOUNG. For me it was because at age 35, I actually AM YOUNG. At least as far as Duran Duran fans go. Joel, on the other hand, is 45, but just knowing he would always be younger than the band members put a spring in his step.

We ended up running into more than one group of friends. Most notably, our friends Magik and Precious, who saw me jumping up and down Kriss-Kross style in the sixth row and texted us this photo from their luxury box seats above. It was my favorite shot of the night.
  (The blonde and baldman! Stealthiness will never be one of our super powers.)

After the summer of strife we've had, it was nice to feel - even for just one night - like we'd arrived.

Well played, Duran Duran. Well played.

Everything you ever wanted to know about Brazilian Waxing (and plenty you probably didn't)!

In an effort to answer every single one of your questions, I figured the easiest thing to do is to just walk you through a Brazilian wax from beginning to end. All I can tell you, since I've never been waxed anywhere but at Bare Down There Waxing (where I now work), is how WE do it. Not all wax shops use the methods that we do, but Valerie, my boss and the owner of Bare Down There Waxing, has spent years perfecting her hair removal techniques, searching out the best, safest products and teaching her methods to those of us who are lucky enough to work for her. At the end of my post, I'll give you some advice for how to find a similar shops in other states. Our standards are exceptionally high and that is what you should be getting for your money no matter where you live.

Again, let me reiterate that the number in the back of your pants DOES NOT MATTER when it comes to waxing. We love waxing women and men of all shapes and sizes. If you are physically capable of climbing onto the bed, I will wax you. In fact, I will be HONORED to wax you and I will go out of my way to not only make you feel comfortable, but to help you feel better about your body.

BEFORE YOUR BRAZILIAN WAX
1. LENGTH: If you're a regular shaver, give us  AT LEAST a week of growth, preferably two. I need 1/3 of an inch of hair to work with at a minimum. Ideally, you'll bring me something closer to 1/2 an inch. If you come in for the first time and I don't think you have enough length, I will probably send you home because I want you to have a good first time waxing experience. If you're a regular, I'll bust your chops, do a little bit of extra tweezing and hopefully still send you home happy.

If you DON'T shave, please trim the foliage until it's not CURLY anymore. It's a lot less painful when it's no longer than one inch. The longer the hair, the more it hurts when I yank it out.

2. MONTHLY CYCLE: Try to schedule your first appointment for a time when you are not menstruating. This has nothing to do with your esthetician being grossed out by it and everything to do with YOUR comfort. Waxing simply hurts more when you have your period. If it's your second or third wax, you probably aren't going to notice much of a difference and is probably not a reason to cancel your appointment. I'm still new and I've already seen plenty of tampon strings. We all get our periods and actually, for me anyway, I'd rather get waxed while I'm on my period because it's "down time" anyway. Again, it's your call because we don't care either way, but pain-wise, it's often best to avoid that time of the month.

3. EXFOLIATE: In the days leading up to your appointment, go ahead and exfoliate the area every time you shower. Use a wash cloth, loofah or scrub to do this. Be gentle, though. It doesn't need to be that apricot sand paper scrub or anything.

4. MOISTURIZE: On the day of your appointment, definitely lotion up the areas you're planning to have waxed. If your skin is too dry, even the best wax can be difficult to remove. The more hydrated your skin, the better your experience is going to be.

5. MEDICATE: Especially if it's your first time ever being waxed, go ahead and take some pain medication an hour before your appointment. (Tylenol, Advil, etc). It will not make your wax painless, but it will help. A glass of wine or a cocktail can also be useful if you're extra nervous.

6. SHOWER: I realize that if you're reading this, it probably goes without saying, but PLEASE, for the sake of everyone involved, TAKE A SHOWER on the day of your waxing. Not only will YOU feel better about your waxing experience, but your esthetician will be grateful for your cleanliness. It's only fair.

HOWEVER, don't freak out about making sure you shower RIGHT before your appointment. You don't have to rush home from work and do a spot check or anything. Vaginas come in all shapes and sizes and with a variety of different smells. WE GET THAT. If we were squeamish, we wouldn't have picked this as a career.

Personally, and I'm speaking for myself here, vagina smells don't bother me AT ALL. A little bit of girl sweat never hurt anybody. It's when you try and cover up the girl sweat with that cheap perfumey crap they sell at Victoria's Secret that my nostrils get offended. Clean is literally ALL we ask. We even provide flush-able moist wipes in the bathroom and in every one of our private salon rooms expressly for this purpose.

(FOR THE RECORD: If someone arrives not clean, there's a 50/50 chance, I'll grab one of those wipes myself to "sanitize the area before waxing.")

7. PUNCTUALITY. Please arrive on time. We generally book two clients per hour for Brazilian waxes, which means that we can't take you if you're more than five minutes late because we won't have time to finish you before our next client is due. If you're running late, TEXT OR CALL. We can almost always figure something out.

DURING YOUR BRAZILIAN WAX
1. Your esthetician will walk you to your room and instruct you to remove all of your clothing from the waist down, lay down on the bed (which is basically a massage bed with a fresh sheet covering it) and cover your lap with a small, clean towel. She will then leave the room and give you some privacy to undress and get ready. (This is a good time to use the moist wipe if you feel like you should.)

2. When your esthetician comes back in the room, she will put on gloves (MAKE SURE TO SAY SOMETHING IF YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO LATEX!) and then start the process of waxing you. For us, this means we ask you to take your left foot and place it on the inside of your right knee to make a letter "P" with your legs. Sometimes we ask you to drop your right leg off the table as well. This gives us access to the left side of your lady bits.

3. Next, we take possession of the "modesty towel" that's been covering your lap. We need to assess the situation, have a look at how much hair you have, whether it's long enough and how we plan to go about waxing you. We will ask you exactly how much, if any, hair you want left behind and discuss how you want that shape to look. Oddly enough, it's actually easier on the waxer to remove all the hair, but we are always happy to keep a patch, a landing strip or a triangle. Our goal is to make that look as natural as possible, so don't ask me for a heart or a playboy bunny because... no. Just, NO.

4. Then I'll give you a little heads up that I'm gonna take that towel and shove it down under your crotch and between your butt cheeks. Usually, I'll also go ahead and use the towel to separate your labia so that I can do each side individually and avoid getting any wax on your hairless areas. I often ask clients to hold the corner of the towel to keep it in place. Women have a variety of different shapes and sizes down there and some of us have inner lips that stick out past the outer lips. (Innies vs. outies, just like belly buttons!) I use the towel to literally hold them out of the way to keep them safe and wax free. The last thing anyone wants is hot wax on her clitoris. (Unless you're into that kind of thing.) (But you won't get it at our shop.)

4. By now, you're hopefully beginning to get used to the fact that a total stranger is TOUCHING YOU DOWN THERE. Get over it. I can promise you, I am way, way over it myself. In fact, the only thing on my mind is what direction your hair is growing in and how I can most efficiently remove it while hurting you as little as possible. You might be concerned about being naked in front of me, but all I'm thinking about is doing a good job.

I AM NOT JUDGING YOU, YOUR BODY OR YOUR VAGINA. NOR AM I COMPARING IT TO ANY ONE ELSE'S.

Mostly, I am doing my job and trying to distract you and/or get to know you through witty banter and funny story swapping. The last thing you will EVER get out of me is a QUIET wax. I'm gonna chat you up through the whole thing and get you talking about yourself as much as I can. The more you talk, the less it hurts. The LESS we talk, the more awkward the whole thing is. (One more reason to avoid going to a Vietnamese nail salon for any waxing service...)

5. I start by applying wax to any hair on your left inner thigh. The wax is hot, but not uncomfortably so and certainly not hot enough to burn your skin. (If you've ever peeled after a wax, it was because the wax was too hot!) (We keep our wax in temperature-controlled heaters to prevent this from happening.) I will then apply a strip of pellen and press or rub the area with my glove to make sure the wax is stuck to the pellen. Then I will hold your skin as tight as I can and remove the pellen strip in a quick, low yanking motion.

6. So here's the part about the PAIN. I'm not gonna lie: it hurts. I'm pulling your most intimate hairs out by the roots. There is no way to make it completely painless. But I can tell you that on a scale of one to childbirth, the pain is something like a 3. Maybe? If that? It's over REAL FAST. My goal is to finish a first time customer in less than 30 minutes. Repeat customers are less than 20. It's literally half an hour of intermittent pain followed by ten days to 3 weeks of hairlessness. If the benefits didn't outweigh the pain, I wouldn't be SO ADDICTED to it and we wouldn't have so many customers.

7. NOT AN URBAN LEGEND: It IS TRUE that each subsequent wax is significantly less painful. Hair grows in in cycles and the first wax hurts the worst because we're pulling out multiple cycles all at once. Subsequent waxes, spaced at 3-6 week intervals, will only be pulling out one or two cycles, which means less hair and less pain. I've been waxing for over a year now and it would take MONTHS for my hair to grow all the way back in at this point. Personally, I barely think it hurts AT ALL anymore. My co-worker gave me a Brazilian last week and I barely felt it. It's a total non-issue when you're a regular. It's only the first one that really hurts and if you're careful (and keep waxing regularly) (and stop shaving), you'll never have that pain again.

8. Anyway, I continue to do this, apply wax and remove it with the strips, moving from the outer areas to the inner areas, until all of your hair is removed. I usually do the inner labia last because it's easier to do when the hair surrounding it is gone. This will involve me getting pretty intimate with your bidness. There's simply no way around it, but I promise to be as professional and quick as I can. After that, I tweeze any remaining hairs, then spritz you with a lovely, trauma-calming aloe vera-based spray and switch sides.

9. After both sides have been completed, it's time for my favorite part - THE BACKSIDE. It's my favorite for two reasons: 1) it doesn't hurt ANYTHING like the front and 2) it's the hardest part for most women to reach on their own. ESPECIALLY women who have some badonka donk. There's no way to shave that area without cutting yourself. This process can be awkward, of course, because it involves you getting on all fours and sticking your butt in the air. We save it for last because hopefully we've built enough trust during the beginning portion of the wax that you aren't embarrassed at all. We certainly aren't! We just want you to be ENTIRELY hair free and that means not leaving you with a butt mullet. (Yes I said Butt Mullet. It's Valerie's term!)

Also - a note about HEMORRHOIDS! We see them all the time and couldn't care less. In fact, removing the surrounding hair from the area can make them less itchy and painful. Definitely not a reason to cancel your appointment!

AFTER YOUR BRAZILIAN WAX

1. I leave the room and let you get dressed, but not before showing you where we keep the lotion and advising you to go ahead and make liberal use of it. Lotion helps remove any residual wax and further calms the area. It also keeps you from sticking to your underpants. I'll ask you to go ahead and open the door when you're dressed so I know when it's safe to come back in.

2. Your skin is going to be RED and IRRITATED. There's really no way around this. Some people end up with raised follicles that can look like a rash, others have minimal irritation. THESE SYMPTOMS GO AWAY WITHIN 3-8 HOURS. The more often you wax, the quicker the irritation goes away.

3. When I get back in the room, it's time for payment. We charge $50 for a woman's brazilian and $70 for a man's (because it takes longer). We don't take cards, just cash and checks and our pricing is very competitive. Several of you asked about tipping and I'm happy to answer that tips are ALWAYS welcome, even if the owner of the salon is providing the service. Tips for a Brazilian range from $3 to $70 and I've received everything in between, with the average being between $10-$15. If you can't tip, my advice is to simply say something about it ("I would love to be able to tip you XX dollars right now because I'm so happy with your service, but I'm broke!") and then ask for several business cards to give out to your friends. That's how we grow our business - by referral - so if you enjoy your wax experience, PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS. We appreciate it!

4. At this point, we talk about after care and IT IS REALLY IMPORTANT THAT YOU FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS.

HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR BRAZILIAN WAX

1. Sorry girls, but try to avoid any hanky panky for the first 24 hours following your wax. Ditto for hot tubs, hot baths, swimming pools, etc. Also avoid sun tanning, any scented lotions or lotions with SPF in them for at least 24 hours. You're going to be a little sore, anyway, so it probably won't be a problem. The reason we advise this is that when hair gets yanked out at the root, it opens the follicle. Sometimes this can cause the TINIEST bit of blood. If you've bled and bled after a wax, there was something VERY WRONG with your service, but a few tiny blood dots are relatively normal. You need to avoid sex because the last thing you want is for any bacteria to get into those open follicles. It can cause folliculitis and may even lead to ingrown hairs.

(For the record, I think I've actually managed to follow the no-sex rule myself... once? Maybe? I tend to heal up relatively fast. But I always shower afterwards to keep the area clean and bacteria free.)

2. We send all our clients home with a packet of Finipil lotion and advise them to apply it to the waxed areas after showering for the next few days. It should be enough to last for 2-4 applications. I LOVE Finipil. It calms and cools the area and gives you a minty-fresh feeling that lasts all day. It also prevents ingrowns and can actually slow the growth of new hair. This sample packet is included with your service, but you can also buy a tube of Finipil if you want to use it every day. (I do.)

3. We also recommend our clients use the Bikini Kitty exfoliation system every day between waxes. Exfoliation and moisturizing are the best ways to prevent ingrown hairs. If the skin is dry, there is simply no place for the hair to push through the surface, so it can curl back around and grow the wrong direction. The Bikini Kitty system includes a soft brush to be used on dry skin before a shower and a bottle of delicious alpha-hydroxy spray to be applied after your shower. Using this system radically improves your chances of avoiding ingrown hairs. If you don't want to buy the system, then we recommend using a soft loofah to exfoliate every time you shower and to moisturize as often possible.

4. Ingrown hairs CAN happen, however, and some women are simply more prone to them than others. I still get a few here and there myself, but that is SIGNIFICANTLY fewer than I used to get when I shaved. Part of my job as an esthetician is to remove any ingrown hairs I see during a wax. I use sanitized tweezers to do this and I have to say it's one of the most satisfying parts of my job. (However, there are plenty of clients who HATE tweezing and refuse this part of the service, which is also perfectly fine.) If I see more ingrowns than normal, we'll talk about it and come up with a plan to help reduce them.

5. REGROWTH! Waxing removes the entire hair follicle, root and all, and that means that before you can re-grow hair, you have to re-grow the root itself. This can take anywhere from 1-4 weeks depending on how fast your hair grows. For most people, myself included, that means an average of two weeks of complete smoothness. Then when that hair DOES grow back in, it is thinner, softer and often lighter in color. Most importantly, THERE IS NEVER ANY ITCHINESS WITH WAXING because there is no stubble.

The only downside about waxing (aside from the pain, of course) is that you do need to let the hair grow back until it's long enough to be waxed again. This means we don't see a lot of exotic dancers because they can't wait for the regrowth. I tend to get waxed every 3-4 weeks and in that last week before my appointment, I just make sure I wear a swim skirt to the pool. No biggie.

HOW TO FIND A SALON NEAR YOU

First and foremost: NEVER GO TO A NAIL SALON FOR ANY WAXING SERVICE. EVER.

Trust me on this. You will not get the wax you deserve.

What you want is a salon where estheticians LOVE TO WAX. I happily got into this career because I am (obviously) HUGELY ENTHUSIASTIC about the service itself. I love to receive it and I love to provide it. There are plenty of estheticians out there who aren't huge fans of getting all up in your lady junk and there are just as many who love it the way we do. Enthusiasm should be the first requirement of any esthetician you choose.

If you can't get a recommendation from a friend, your best bet is to find a salon that uses HIGH QUALITY WAX. Many wax-only salons prefer hard wax and if your technician is REALLY GOOD at applying it, that can always be an option. Personally, I learned how to hard wax in beauty school and HATED IT. It not only takes longer because you have to wait for the wax to completely dry before ripping it off (without a strip), but it can often break off during the removal and that means your esthetician is picking wax off your skin and that is EXTREMELY painful.

The soft wax we use at Bare Down There costs three to five times as much as your average beauty shop wax and we make that investment because we care about your skin. Our 'wax-free' wax is from a company called Nufree and it's a soya-based, anti-microbial, anti-bacterial product. You can visit their website and find a salon near you that uses their products.

I'm pretty sure that was EVERYTHING you wanted to know about waxing, but do let me know if I missed any of your questions!

Go forth and WAX!

Once you go Brazilian, you never go back...

First, I'm going to answer these questions for myself, as someone who gets waxed regularly, then, in my next post, I'll put on my Esthetician Hat and walk you through the entire waxing experience from both sides of the table.

Have you ever had a bikini or Brazilian wax? YES. I had my first wax over a year ago and it was a REVELATION.

What made you try it the first time? When I was freshly single, I started shaving my bidness. Never ALL of it, but enough to give me at least a little smoothness. That process turned out to be a HUGE pain in the ass. First off, shaving is both risky and PAINFUL. I always shaved with soap (it's the slipperiest thing you can use...) and having soap on my junk for longer than the 30 seconds it takes me to wash and rinse, well, it's IRRITATING to my skin and usually resulted in my getting a yeast infection. (I have a highly sensitive va-jay). It also took me at least 20 minutes to get it all smooth and required feats of contortion that probably put my life in danger because hello? SLIPPERY SHOWER. Even then, I missed spots (butt crack anyone?) and usually ended up with a lopsided landing strip. (I never ever go completely bald down there. I prefer to leave a little love patch at the top.)

Then, after all that work, the stubble would usually grow back by the next morning. AND IT WOULD ITCH LIKE A MOFO. Seriously. There is nothing worse than waking up the morning after a hot date with razor burn, itchy skin and a yeast infection. It always felt like I had an army of fire ants in my underpants. By the time it stopped itching, I was left with a mountain of ingrown hairs.

I HATED SHAVING.

But the final straw for me was the time I CUT MYSELF right before a hot date. I bled and bled and bled. And when I finally got the bleeding to stop, I realized that there would NOT be any hanky-panky happening on that date, no matter how much I liked him. Because SAFE sex is extremely important to me and there is nothing LESS safe than having an open cut on your bidness.

So we had a lovely sushi dinner and I went home alone. The next day, I googled around and scheduled my first appointment with Valerie at Bare Down There Waxing for two weeks later. I had no idea that a year later, she would become my boss.

Did you go back? YES. I haven't gone longer than six weeks without waxing in over a year.

WHY DO I DO IT? Have you ever grown your leg hair out until it was embarrassingly long? (Don't lie, we all have - it's called WINTER). Then, when you finally shave it off, it's like your legs take on a whole new dimension of sensitivity? Like they grew extra nerve endings or something? Everything that brushes up against them feels like silk and slipping into your sheets is just about the sexiest thing you've ever felt. It's just so... NAKED.

THAT IS HOW MY LADY BITS FEEL AFTER A BRAZILIAN WAX.

There are plenty of feminists (Janyll, I'm looking at you!) out there who assume - WRONGLY - that women wax for only one reason: because men expect it. Or worse, that the men they're with want to pretend to have sex with young girls or porn stars. That we go through all this pain for vanity or because we feel that men won't be attracted to us in our natural state.

Nope. Sorry. Not even close.

First off, I've had two children - vaginally - and lost so much weight that there is nothing I can do, I am NEVER going to look good naked. No amount of waxing is going to fix that. Not only that, but no matter how much or how little hair is on my bidness, it is 100% clear that this is the bidness of a GROWN WOMAN, not a child. (Anyone? Anyone? Episiotomy scars? Bueller?)

I wax for one reason only: because that heightened sensitivity gives me better orgasms.

It's really that simple.

It's also why I LOVE being an esthetician. I get to help other women have better sex. I get to help them feel better about their bodies, both physically and mentally. As far as I'm concerned, vaginas are SACRED and the intimacy involved in my job is absolutely the most rewarding part of it. I am HONORED that women trust me with the most intimate parts of their bodies.

Which is why the first thing I want to address before getting to the nitty gritty is BODY SIZE. Several of you have e-mailed me to say that the number one reason you don't get waxed is because you think you're fat and you're concerned this will somehow offend your esthetician or that she won't be able to give you a good wax because of your size.

THIS COULD NOT BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.

I LOVE WAXING BIG GIRLS. Of course, I don't work at a Vietnamese nail salon, either. We are a wax-only shop and we are not the kind of women who judge other women to begin with. Of course we also knew - GOING IN - that 90% of our days were going to be spent on women's bikini areas, not their nails or feet. We signed up for this ON PURPOSE and I can tell you that we all truly enjoy the work.

Here's the thing - we don't care WHAT you look like or how big or small or perfect or not perfect you are - we still think you deserve to feel good about your vagina. You deserve to have better sex. You deserve to get the waxing experience we would want for ourselves. Don't let your size get in the way of that!  Any good esthetician is going to put you IMMEDIATELY at ease about your body and if she doesn't, that's an excellent reason to find someone else.

In my next post, I'll answer all of your questions and give you a BEFORE, DURING and AFTER look at what Brazilian waxing is all about. Stay tuned.

Send me your Brazilian Wax questions ASAP!

I'm working on a post about what a Brazilian wax is like from both perspectives - getting one AND giving one. But first I want to hear about your experiences so I can make sure I address every point. Please answer in comments (or e-mail me if you'd rather stay anonymous!).

Have you ever had a bikini or Brazilian wax?

What made you try it the first time?

Did you go back? If not, why not?

If you've never had one, what keeps you from trying it? (Pain? Embarassment? Fear of nudity?)

Are you a shaver?

Any and all other questions would be super helpful!

Chaos is the new black

I don't even know where to begin because, as usual, everything in my life is either THE BEST THING EVER or SO HORRIBLY TRAGIC I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. I had this realization recently that no matter what I do, my life will never again be NORMAL. There is no normal anymore. My life is basically just a series of reasons to smile my face off followed immediately by an equal number of reasons to sob until I can't breathe. No in between.

I'm grateful for every minute of it.

Let's take my lovely daughter, Genoa, as our first example, shall we?

She is THRIVING in Kindergarten. I am so proud of her my butt cheeks squeak. She is the raddest, most awesome, spectacularist little girl I've ever had the privilege of knowing. So naturally, she's also a walking weapon of mass destruction. She can go off at any moment without warning.

On Monday, I picked the kids up from school and had precisely two hours before I had to leave for therapy. I HATED that, by the way, missing them like crazy for a week (well, MOST of a week) and then finally - FINALLY - getting my hands on them, only to whisk myself away immediately. I had just enough time to paint Genoa's nails (pink and green with black crackle polish on top) before I had to leave. I left them in good hands, obviously (Joel's), but still.

Therapy was... rough. I'll be honest. I'm still sorting out how to write about it, but let's just say even group leaves me feeling perilously raw.

Anyway.

I got home from THAT lovely episode of self-flagellation just in time for Genoa's weekly scheduled appointment to lose her ever loving mind. Divorced and separated parents everywhere will nod their heads when I say the following two words: TRANSITION TANTRUM. They happen like clockwork every Monday around here and no matter how hard I brace for them, they still knock the wind out of me. I was SO looking forward to seeing her (and her brother), especially since I've been going out of my way to embrace my time with them with more purpose and patience.

But still.

It was basically THIS, except the lead actress is now three times as stubborn and twice as big:

I can't even remember what set her off on Monday night, but somehow we all survived it.

The next morning we were back to the grind and this is where the SWEET part of the bittersweet lies. I LOVE SCHOOL. I love EVERYTHING about dropping my kids off at 9:05, doing my own thing for six and a half hours (like WORKING!!!) and then greeting them with nothing but the delicious, nubile ignorance of whatever they've done to annoy their superiors all day long. I'll say this: IT IS A RELIEF. I know it makes me sound like a bad mother, but screw that. Not having to entertain my kids myself all day because they're in school makes me a better parent. It just DOES. Some of us live to spend every waking moment with our children and some of us need some grown-up time so we can actually BE there (and, you know, SOBER) when our kids get home from school. None of us are wrong, just different. I also don't have much of a choice: I NEED to work.

Which brings me to next bit of SWEETness...

On Tuesday, I waxed my first pair of balls.

Yes, I just said that.

And yes, it was awesome. To say that I love my new job would be the understatement of the year. Not only is Val the best boss EVER, but I absolutely love the work itself. I am still learning to improve my efficiency (I give good wax! But I'd like to be able to schedule two Brazilians per hour, rather than just one) and since I learn by doing, getting my hands on actual PEOPLE has been a revelation. Seriously. I fall asleep at night a little bit sore and a lot tired (because I'm not used to being on my feet all day doing physical work) and then I dream about waxing vaginas all night. I have never been this grateful or this excited to get up and go to work.

I also made my first tip on Tuesday! Which meant when I picked up the kids after school, I sat them down and let them know I had some GOOD news, some EXCELLENT news and some BAD news. The bad news was that we needed to go to Wal-Mart for groceries, the good news was that I planned to use my freshly earned nut-waxing money to buy them a treat at McDonald's and then, excellently enough, we were having Ethan and Sara over for homemade pizza.

Everyone was happy!

So we got to the store and I lined up to order the food while my kids waited in a booth. The last words out of my mouth were, "Stay on your own sides and DON'T FIGHT."

Ten seconds later, Genoa was screaming because her brother had smashed her fingers on the table and Alex was grumping that his sister had hit him first.

Fine, then. Talk about a no-brainer! NO MCDONALD'S FOR YOU. Kids who fight don't get special treats!

But good luck telling that to a five-year-old who was just promised an ice cream cone.

It didn't go over well is what I'm saying. Genoa spent, and I WISH I was kidding, a full THIRTY MINUTES screaming in the grocery cart. SCREAMING. Just like that video! As if she was possessed by the debil! Short of giving her the god-damned ice cream cone, I tried EVERYTHING to get her to stop. "Stop crying or I won't buy you any waffles!" "Knock it off and I'll get you those spicy chips you keep asking me for!" I even took her brand new shoes away from her to see if that would help. But the child is utterly immune to consequences.

We left the store without waffles, or chips, or shoes and by the time I got to the car at least three other moms had offered me their heartfelt, if passing, condolences. Because honestly, there by the grace of the flying spaghetti monster...

I wish I could tell you things got better as the week went on, but they didn't. It was just HIGH followed by LOW followed by greater HIGH and greater LOW. I think it has a lot to do with starting full-day Kindergarten and just generally having to hold her shit together all day at school, but then Genoa threw her biggest tantrum on Saturday, actually, while we were walking 21st avenue waiting for our movie to start. She'd held us hostage in the car freaking out that the RADIO WAS TOO LOUD, even though our ears were only bleeding from HER crying, not NPR. It went downhill from there in a way that involved screaming bloody murder for a half-dozen city blocks and I swear I still haven't recovered.

However, Joel, as usual, was my Knight in Shining Armor. I HATE disciplining my kids. For me it's the worst part of being a parent. I just want my kids to show up, be happy and DO WHAT I SAY, and obviously, it never works that way. Joel, however, is master at discipline. He doesn't mind it at all! After all, every room has at least four corners! He's somehow able to stay calm and firm without being a jerk about it, which means the kids actually DO what he says.

Of course, the rule with blended families is that since they're MY kids, I'm in charge of disciplining them. We've talked about it a lot as a family and the kids both feel more comfortable when I'm the one holding the axe. So we struck up a deal: do what mom says the first time and Joel will happily stay out of it. But disrespect Mom? And she's gonna bring in the big Gunz. (Thanks to my friend Jenna for that line!)

Let's just say that having his backup saved my life this week. I'm not sure I would have survived without him and Genoa certainly wouldn't have. When she lost her shit in yet another spectacular episode on Saturday night, I sent Her Majesty to bed right after dinner. It took the two of us together over an hour to finally get her to stay in bed. I don't know how people do this ALONE. Kids need two grown-ups around not so much for the purpose of instilling family values or morality, but because this job is fucking EXHAUSTING. Two hands are never enough. And at the end of the day, you need someone to pat you on the back and tell you it's going to be okay because even when they're a huge pain in the ass, your children are amazing.

I simply don't know what I'd do without Joel and I hope I never, ever have to find out. Even if he won't let me wax his nuts.

No-Knead Recipe for Rustic Bread

Where were we? You were supposed to throw these four ingredients into a bowl, mix them until wet, cover them with saran wrap and leave them out for 12-16 hours (if you need longer, just throw it into the fridge).

• 3 cups bread (or white) flour
• 1/4 teaspoon yeast
• 1.5 cups water
• 2 teaspoons salt

It should now look like this:

It will be sticky, but scoop it up as best you can and plop it out onto a floured piece of parchment or wax paper, like so.

Fold it in half twice. DO NOT KNEAD.

Form the parchment into a tent and let sit on your counter for one to two hours until doubled in size. You can let it sit longer, but fold it every hour or so to keep it going.

You'll need a good COVERED baking dish. The best/easiest thing is a 4 or 5 quart Le Crueset baker. The ceramic part of your crock pot will also work in a pinch.

I got lucky, though, because I bought Joel this clay pot for Christmas.

We've used it a few times for baking whole chickens, etc, and the pot has already taken on some of the seasoning. When it preheats in the oven, it gets all bubbly with the delicious assfat of chickens past. If you have a ceramic baking dish, just make sure you get it TOTALLY SOAKING WET before you put it into the oven or it will crack and you will weep.

No matter what you do, preheat your oven along with your baking dish until it reaches 475 degrees.

When your oven is hot, pull the rack out and plop your dough right into the pan without touching it.

Don't worry if it lands crooked, it's supposed to be RUSTIC after all.

Cover your dish with its lid and bake at 475 for 30 minutes. DO NOT OPEN THE OVEN.

After 30 minutes, remove the lid and bake for another 20 minutes.

When you unveil the final bread, it should look approximately like this. And it will make you GASP.

Then your children will begin pestering you for bread! with! butter! over and over again until you break down and slice the damn thing (after letting it cool completely for at least a half an hour).

If you're extra nice, you might even make them bacon and cheese panini grilled sandwiches for dinner.

RECIPE FOR NO KNEAD RUSTIC BREAD

Combine the following in a large glass bowl:

• 3 cups bread (or white) flour
• 1/4 teaspoon yeast
• 1.5 cups water
• 2 teaspoons salt

Cover with saran wrap and leave out overnight, preferably 12-16 hours.

Flop dough out onto well-floured parchment.

Fold once, tent with parchment and let rise for 1-2 hours until doubled in size.

Preheat oven and baking dish to 475 degrees.

Throw dough into preheated baking dish. COVER and bake for 30 minutes.

Remove cover and bake 20 additional minutes.

Let cool and enjoy.

Special thanks to lovely reader, Lori, not only for being brave enough to venture over for a visit, but for drawing monster trucks and generally entertining my children while I wrote this post!

Quick! Before you go to bed!

Start this bread tonight! It takes less than five minutes.

Throw these four ingredients in a bowl and mix until just barely combined:

1.5 cups of warm water

1/4 teaspoon of yeast

2 teaspoons salt

3 cups bread (or regular) flour

Cover with plastic wrap and leave on the counter until dinner time tomorrow night.

TRUST ME.

I'll be back tomorrow with the full recipe...

I will still CUTCHEW if you call me a Liberal

I was driving down to Salem today to take the test for my Esthetician License (which I PASSED! WOOT!) when I noticed a slightly-disturbing trend that started about a year ago, but has slowly seeped into my subconscious:

1) I had opted to take Joel's economy car instead of my newer big beautiful SUV because he gets 30 miles to the gallon and I get 15.

2) I was driving the SPEED LIMIT because I was worried about gas mileage.

3) And also, to be honest, I was going slow because I was worried about getting a ticket, which I have NEVER EVER worried about before. But which I could not even REMOTELY afford right now.

4) I was listening to the thoughts and feelings of Muslim women on NPR and really looking forward to this coming Sunday's visit to a Mosque in honor of 9/11.

5) (Did you READ that?) (I was listening to National PUBLIC Radio!)

6) I was also sometimes crying. Because TWINS! People who lost their TWIN in the twin towers? Good lord, I don't have the ability to grok that.

7) I realized that this past year has changed my perspective on about a million tiny things. And that maybe all those tiny things are adding up to a big change in the way I see politics.

Shhhh!

Pretend I never said anything. I'm not ready to talk about it yet!

But I will admit to whooping TWICE tonight while listening to Obama's speech.

On NPR.

God save me...

Also: we're finally posting again at yearofsundays! Go check it out!

POP QUIZ: Do snakes give live birth?

1. Only bullet points this afternoon since it's Labor Day and I'm waiting for my foccacia to rise. We'll be eating it with homemade ricotta, basil and mushroom raviolis and smothering it all with my gravy. Happy Monday! Who's bringing the wine?

2. I wasn't trying (at least not ENTIRELY) to be a drama queen in that last post or leave you all with some kind of George R. R. Martin-esque cliff-hanger. It's pretty simple: Dave is suing me for his e-mail account. I don't want to say much more than that because HELLO! I'm being sued! I should probably try not to make it any worse.

3. Alex LOOOVES second grade. His teacher is great! His class is great! His friends are great! School is awesome! I'm so SO glad he still experiences it that way. I hope that never ends. I also hope he never stops running into my arms to hug me when I pick him up.

4. Genoa was stuck home with us and wow, she sure is fun when she's not bossing her brother and Liza around! I painted her nails blue and red and then put that black crackle paint over it and she felt like a rockstar. Which leads us to this video...

 

(For the record, we don't ACTUALLY let her brush her teeth with a bottle of Jack.)

(Only because all we have in the house is Red Label...)

5. The next day Genoa overheard me making phone calls and interjected, "Mommy, do you need a LAWYER? My daddy's a lawyer! You should hire him!" Ha to the motherfucking HA, kid. Seriously. I'm still laughing.

6. On Friday night we were invited to my Aunt and Uncle's house for dinner. My mom's sister was in town for the night so we all got to hang out and meet the boyfriend. She even sewed each of the kids a pillowcase.

7. On the drive over, the girls sat in the backseat watching Rapunzel on the DVD player my parents got them so I let Alex sit up front next to me. (My airbag shuts off automatically when there isn't more than 100 pounds on the seat). He grabbed my camera, started snapping photos and I'm pretty sure he now has new favorite hobby:

The kid's got talent, if I do say so myself...

8. The next day we cleaned house, made gravy and did some art before having friends over for dinner. Here's what happened when Liza used our innocent cat stencil for nefarious purposes.

The child has quite a flare for the macabre. Gee, I wonder where she got THAT from?

9. Saturday afternoon, Alex and one of his neighborhood friends found a snake in the street. She was writhing around and he ran inside to tell me her BRAINS were coming out. It was pretty gross.

But, lo, as we found out when the kids raced into the house yelling "GOOGLE IT! GOOGLE IT!" those were not her BRAINS.

They were her BABIES.

(Click to embiggen. The babies are the worms by Genoa's feet.)

You learn something new every day.