In which I break my ass and live to tell about it...

Shortly after writing a (now unpublished) blog post, Joel and I took off for the afternoon to give Liza the trip to Oaks Park we'd been promising all summer. I'd never been there before, so after feeling wrung out from spilling my guts online, it was pretty rad to learn that Oaks Park is Portland's own miniature version of the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. It's a place for making memories and we didn't waste any time.

We started with the bumper cars.

Then we went on some kiddie rides and ate the world's most epically bad food. (Some bad food is so bad that it's kinda good, but not the food at Oaks Park, where hamburger buns taste like hockey pucks.)

Joel had band practice that night, so after one final rollercoaster ride, he took off and left Liza and I to ride the Ferris Wheel together.

Then we went ROLLERSKATING!

Actually, I TRIED to go rollerskating, but quickly realized that the Roller Derby career I'd imagined myself having wasn't in the stars because it turns out I can't actually roller-SKATE, I can only roller-BLADE. But once I switched up my skates, we were in business.

Liza and I took a few laps around the rink shaking our cabooses to Katy Perry and working up a sweat. In the ten (fifteen? twenty?) years since I'd last skated, I'd apparently forgotten how much fun it was. But it all came back to me at once - the wind in my hair, the smell of the rink, the speed, the cute boys, the showing off. I'd been battling near-crippling anxiety all afternoon, but the skating rink cured me! It was so. much. fun.

Right up until I fell and broke my ass...

I wish I was kidding, but just imagine me in those skates, leaning into the turns, throwing my arms to the sides to get more speed, rocking along to Britney Spears and then... BOOM. I was going too fast and lost my balance for a fraction of a second and then my feet just came out from under me and I landed - at FULL speed - smack on my butt. Before I could even move, the pain from my tailbone radiated up my spine and rattled around in my brain.

GOOD TIMES!

I've had a headache and an ass-ache since Tuesday. I can't sit down. I think I probably cracked - or at least bruised - my tailbone. I have insurance these days (thanks State of Washington!) but it's not worth going to the doctor for an x-ray because what are they going to do anyway? Put me in a cast? Give me a titanium ass replacement?

The only thing I can do is stay off of it as much as possible and take pain pills, which, since his kidney stone is still somewhere between his bladder and his bidness, Joel has been kind enough to share with me. Percocet is lovely while it's working, but much like I'd forgotten the downside (ha! get it?) of skating, I'd also forgotten that narcotics tend to leave me somewhat chemically imbalanced. And by that I mean morbidly depressed.

MORE GOOD TIMES!

So it's been a rough week for me, to say the least. I took my last Percocet on Saturday night. Even then, it was only out of desperation since I'd driven all the way to Clatskanie and back in Joel's '94 Saturn and no amount of wine was going to get me through the rest of the night.

I thought I was mostly back to normal today until Joel lost a really important file folder and I had a minor panic attack while he was searching for it. I'd never seen the file before and he didn't have an unkind word to say to me while I tried to help him find it, but it triggered my body to literally shut down. I stopped breathing. My heart raced. I couldn't think straight. It took me nearly two hours to finally calm down.

So where does that leave me?

Broken ass? CHECK.

Broke? CHECK.

No more good drugs? CHECK.

PTSD? CHECK.

A writer who can't sit down? CHECK.

Tomorrow I plan to post the answer to the question about my teenage sexual abuse, so that will add to the madness. And then guess where we've promised to take the kids?!

OAKS PARK!

Where there will be absolutely not, under any circumstances, be any roller-skating.  But there will be FUN and in spite of an otherwise difficult summer, I've managed to find plenty of that.

Comments

[Valerie Willman]

You rock so hard, Amanda.
Thank you.
Just thank you.
Thank you for being you.
And Goddess Bless for the beautiful way you have with words.
I heart you.

[LieslB]

Well that brings back painful memories. I fell down the steps about 2 years ago... right on my bum. I dont think I had the pain that you're describing although it certainly did hurt, but be prepared.... it was about 9 months before I could go from a sitting position to a standing position without wincing (that seems to be the norm when I looked online, which at first I didnt believe but turned out to be true). Even now that stress pain still flares up. Good luck!

[Carolyn]

As someone who also broke her ass a week before taking a transatlantic flight to a vacation that included horseback riding up a mountain (guess what part got cancelled?) - let me tell you:
1) Stay up on your ibuprofen. Seriously. Take it RX strength, not forever but past the point where you think you need it, because you want to keep the inflammation down. You need the anti-inflammatory wonder of it all. I'm not a doc, but mine told me to stick with the 2400 mgs in 24 hours (or something like that) rule. Call your doc and ask. Seriously. 2) Go to the beach if you can because after weeks of not being able to lie down on my back, digging out a hollow in the sand so I could lie down butt-pressure-free was the most wonderful thing ever.
3) Sadly, this will likely hurt for MONTHS. I hurt mine in April and it still often hurts. Movie theatre seats stink. Hard.
4) There's really no other need to go to the doc (other than confirm how much ibuprofen you can take) because there's nothing they can do for you beyond "yep. You sure did break that".

Good luck!!! I personally fell on the stairs and landed on the edge of the stair with all my weight directly on my tailbone...it was awful.

[Amanda P. Westmont]

Oh Carolyn,

I wish! But I'm allergic to Ibuprofen and, actually, every single anti-inflammatory on the market. I'm stuck with Tylenol, which doesn't work at all...

[Gloria]

Oh no I was just going to tell you the same thing as Carolyn. I fell down the stairs and cracked my tailbone it hurts so bad especially to go from sitting to standing or vice versa. I lived on Ibuprofen. Maybe if you call you Dr he would have a suggestion that would work better for you then Tylenol.

[Cass]

I had a similar situation with my tailbone a few years ago and the best thing was the pillow I got. No, not the donut shaped one, but it's square w/a skinny horizontal space carved out in the middle. At the time I was mortified (apparently I could only find it at an old people medical store) but it works so well.

Might be worth looking into. The pain while sitting gets to be so bad I didn't know what to do.

[Elizabeth (friend of your cousin)]

They also give you a blow up doughnut ring to sit on; maybe improvise w/ a blow up pool ring...& perhaps the fact that I have used the word blow up 3 times effectively in a comment will make you smile

[Elise]

Try a foam mattress pad on your bed and a hemorrhoid pillow on yoir chair. Those helped me. Since the tailbone is naturally in pieces anyway, one doesn't actually crack it but it does get bruised. Since there isn't much blood flow to the area it takes forever to heal. But it will.

[jules]

a titanium ass replacement! That was awesome . .

i'm so sorry. I know how bad it hurts-i had a similar inicident in middle school at a slumber party involving dancing on a wood coffee table (that was probably polished with pledge) and socks. nuff said.

See if you can score some Vicodin-you couldn't take any NSAIDs anyway since you've had RNY and I agree-Tylenol doesn't do anything. Right now-V is the only thing I can take for menstrual cramps/knee pain, etc . .

Too bad you're not close by-i just got mine refilled . .

[Kim]

Oh hon. Sweetie. I'm going to say it. And I'm 37, just so you know.

You're 35. Leave the roller-skating and blading to the under-25 crowd. We're too old for all that shit.

I'm realizing this more and more as I pull my poor, creaking body out of bed every morning. I'm old, I'm stiff and there is no longer any such thing as a minor injury.

Sigh.

[the foul mouthed one]

i know you heard a snipit of my ass-breaking story the other night (launching off a giant teeter-totter made out of logs only 6 years ago)...i, for one, happen to think it's great you broke your ass (or bruised it) roller skating! maybe misery loves company? don't get me wrong -- i don't think it's great you broke your ass. i think it's great you were roller skating! NEVER SAY DIE!! :) i also have a foam ass donut if you would like to borrow it. just sayin. xoxo

[Jenn]

As a roller girl who fell directly on her ass and rattled her brains during the first 5 minutes of her first practice, I've got to say... Give it another chance! You're never too old to learn how to skate or how to derby! And it's an excellent stress reliever!

[Amber]

I love roller skating! And I cannot rollerblade.

Every time a lecture from Dave is not forthcoming is one more sigh of relief.