What the heck was going on that had you fearing for your life?

The short answer is that I've had a stalker for nearly a year. When I found out who it was, it scared the bejeezus (and his shit) out of me.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, I tried to put on my big girl pants and ignore this person as hard as I could, because I happen to OWN big girl pants and isn't that what you're supposed to do with trolls, anyway? Ignore them so they find another bridge to camp under? But apparently I attract a very special, extra potent brand of troll because mine refused to leave me alone! Eventually I was left with no choice but to call the police. I provided the necessary evidence (as embarrassing as it was...) and the city attorney took my case, which means the person who's been harassing me will go to trial for it. It's been that bad.

All along my gut told me Dave was somehow involved, but I didn't want to believe it. On the other hand, I didn't want to believe HIM, either, when he lied to my face and repeatedly told me he knew nothing about it, even though he'd been in direct contact with my stalker on a weekly basis from the beginning. Let's just say I didn't post Brandy's e-mail  out of spite or some high-school-ish need to snark on a friendship gone bad. It's simply part of the story, the scary part of which begins and ends with my ex-husband's emotional abuse and verbal harassment, which, I'm sad to report, only got WORSE after our divorce...

[If you also happen to find yourself the lucky owner of a pair of Big Girl Pants, you might want to dust them off and put them on for the rest of this...] [Here goes!]

When Dave posted our ugly e-mail exchange on his blog, it suddenly occurred to me that I still, in fact, OWNED that domain and my first reaction was a rabid, furious need to eradicate his blog. I wanted to literally pull the plug, delete his entire account and make him start over. I mean, he'd not only been mooching off my blog traffic, but he put that post up right next to pictures of our kids. I didn't want that ugliness on the Internet at all, much less next to my children, and certainly not on a blog that was registered in MY name. (Actually, even worse is that his blog was registered in my brother's name at the time).

So we tried to take it down. Unfortunately, because of the way Typepad hosts their blogs, we weren't 100% successful. I asked my brother which other domains were still in his name and he gave me a short list that included delbuono.com, the domain from which Dave had been sending me his lovely weekly invective ever since the divorce. My brother's been paying for and hosting our e-mail servers for more than a decade and I've always been the administrator of those servers. Indeed, every time Dave logged into his e-mail, there was a message at the top of the gmail interface saying exactly that: this account is managed by amanda[at]delbuono.com.

When I figured out how simple it would be (and fully within my legal rights as administrator), I changed Dave's e-mail password and took over his account. I literally locked him out of his e-mail.

He quickly figured out what I'd done and it naturally prompted him to leave me a series of stern voice mail messages all accusing me of violating his right to privacy and warning me that he'd called the police on felony hacking charges. Of course while it was true that I had gotten my hands on some VERY private e-mails, he KNEW I administrated that account and couldn't argue in any SANE way that he had a reasonable expectation of privacy. In fact, when I changed the password, I fully expected to find nothing but spam and a folder of the e-mails he and I had been exchanging for a year. I mean, who in their right mind would continue to use an e-mail account that they know their ex-wife owns?!

[Apparently earning a law degree doesn't actually mean you're SMART.]

But he had continued to use it and I spent that afternoon reading...

[CONTENT REMOVED BY COURT ORDER BECAUASE MY EX-HUSBAND BORROWED MONEY FROM HIS MOTHER TO SUE ME INTO SHUTTING UP AND I DIDN'T HAVE THE TIME, MONEY OR ENERGY TO FIGHT IT. YOU CAN READ ABOUT THAT HERE.]

Two days after I accessed Dave's e-mail, the subpoenas all came back from the police showing that Brandy had used her mom's computer and the computer at her office to harass me by threatening to send naked pictures of me to anyone who could log on to my blog before I deleted her (multiple) e-mail address(es). She even took the time to create a fake on-line dating profile and pretended to try to date me just to gather information they could later use against me. (More on this, including the dating profile itself, coming soon to a blog near you!)

It was not only SICK, but SCARY.

So by the time Officer Alba showed up at my doorstep to read me my rights and charge me with a felony, I was so numb I hardly blinked. I just explained how the e-mail account was owned and that I had done absolutely nothing illegal. He agreed immediately because what I did to Dave's e-mail account was exactly the same thing your employer does when he checks on your work e-mail account to make sure you're only using it for company business. That isn't hacking, that's simply administrating an e-mail account. And because he had used that account to harass me, I was well within my rights to shut it down.

The officer asked me for a written record showing how the account was set up, told me he had no intention of opening a case and then recommended, in no uncertain terms, that I go down the very next morning and file a restraining order against Dave. He was the second cop to make that recommendation to me, not to mention the multiple therapists and domestic violence hot-line counselors who've all given me the same advice.

"But he's really never threatened to hurt me!" I told the officer, just like I'd told the rest of them. (And Joel.) (About twenty times.) I think I was crying by that point.

"Doesn't matter. He's obviously out to get you and you have NO IDEA what he'll do next." [Keep in mind this is the police officer who had just met my ex-husband, either in person or over the phone, because he was the one who took Dave's statement!]

"But we have KIDS! How can I get a restraining order against him and still co-parent with him?"

"Parents do it all the time. You just have a third-party do the weekly exchange for you."

By then I was sobbing on my front porch because this was the last thing I ever wanted. I did everything I could to make our divorce copacetic. Sure, I started dating right away and that was probably hurtful to him, but that's called: DIVORCE. And stupid me, I protected him through all of it! I wrote nice things about him on my blog! I wanted my children to see us as a united front. More than anything, though, I wanted to believe Dave was getting BETTER, because moving forward, getting a job, maybe dating other women and becoming a whole healthy human being will make him a better father, right? And that's something I strongly believe my children deserve: a whole, healthy father.

But I went down to the court the next day and filed my restraining order anyway because for the first time ever, I had successfully stood up to him and won. I shut down his e-mail account, which, let's be honest, had to be pretty damn painful. So naturally I was terrified to see how he would retaliate next.

Joel and I filled out the paperwork, but unfortunately, because Dave hadn't made any threats made to my person, the judge refused to issue me the temporary restraining order I'd requested in my petition. All I got was a hearing date for the both of us to come to court in two weeks.

That was the day I began to feel truly afraid.

Because that meant I was going to have to SERVE him, or have him served by a sheriff, and that meant he would know I'd gone down there to file a restraining order and he would have two whole weeks to stew over it.

WHICH WOULD TOTALLY PISS HIM OFF.

Even more than the e-mail thing had already angered him! (Which was A LOT!) (When the cop called Dave and let him know that he had no felony case against me, Dave contacted the FBI, which was a SUPER DUPER FUN thing to learn from my 7-year old. "Mommy, what's the FBI?" "The Federal Bureau of Investigation, Honey. They're like the police, only bigger and more powerful!" "Oh yeah? Because Daddy called them when you stole his e-mail!") (And he accuses ME of being the lousy parent...)

[THEN HE SUED ME FOR IT!]

Anyway, that officer's words kept ringing in my ears: "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE'LL DO NEXT."

I didn't. I still don't.

In the end, I was too scared to wait out that two weeks and ended up dropping the restraining order case out of fear that pursuing it would only further jeopardize my safety. (GOOD JOB protecting victims, State of Washington! Thanks a lot for that!)

I'm honestly still afraid of my ex-husband. You know, that angry guy I used to be married to, who has 27 firearms and a very weak grasp on reality...

I haven't seen or spoken to Dave since the day he posted those e-mails and I have no intention of ever speaking to him again except via lawyers. I've even blocked his remaining e-mail addresses so I no longer have to deal with his constant harassment. I would say it took me MONTHS to stop waking up with nightmares about him, but I still have them almost every week, so I can't.

A bright spot in all of this is that Joel has been a TREMENDOUS help to me. He not only agreed to meet with Dave one-on-one to try and negotiate a truce, but he drops the kids off at their father's for me once a week and when it's bedtime, he handles the call on his phone so I can talk to the kids without having to hear Dave's voice myself. Joel has also managed to rework his schedule to fill in the childcare gap that their father used to fill. Unfortunately for all of us, this put an end to either of us being able to drop by and see the kids when it isn't our week with them. I literally see my kids for a week and then I DON'T see them for a week and there is no overlap or wiggle room. But if that's what it takes to keep me safe, it's something I just have to live with. I'd rather let them go for a week at a time than risk never getting to see them again.

Because they aren't stupid, my kids have questioned the stand-off from day one and I've tried my best to be as honest as I can while giving them as little information as possible. I simply tell them that I'd rather not talk to their father because I want to avoid fighting. Genoa accuses me of "hating Daddy" and all I can do is reassure her that no matter how I feel about him, I think it's great that she loves him so much. I wish there had been a way to avoid all this, but honestly, I pulled the plug on my co-parenting relationship with him in order to protect myself.

I had to.

I have a lot left to say about the harassment itself and the fun (and not entirely safe-for-work) story of how it all began last September. I promise to share all of it as soon as I feel like I can safely talk about it on-line. That was honestly the reason it took me so long to post this response - I wasn't trying to stir up traffic, I was simply waiting for the police to get a hold of Brandy.

They have. She gave them a full confession.

Comments

[Heidi]

Freaking good for you! *stands up and applauds* I can't even imagine how scary and sick and horrible this must have been and wish my magic wand had already arrived from the fairyland, but those bastards keep backordering it, so we're stuck with just slogging through. I think of you often, and send good vibes - hope that helps a little. :-)

[Lynn]

Wow. Now that Brandy has confessed, any thoughts to trying to get a hearing in front of the judge now?

And, not that I expect a response, any thoughts about changing the custody agreement? Are you at least willing to go that route if you manage to get a restraining order?

[Canadian Rachel]

Wow, Amanda. That is some fucked up shit. I am so, so glad you're ok.

[Susan]

I am so sorry about all of this. I would have a lot more to say to you in person but in the interest of brevity, you are all right Amanda! I sometimes thought we have nothing in common, but it doesn't matter. I hope things calm down and you have the love and happiness you and everyone deserves. And you are a great writer!

[Ani]

How about you not share anymore of this. I mean, really... You drop the restraining order, but instead you go through and tell all of this? It really makes no sense. While I enjoy reading about how you are moving on and your adventures with Joel, this rehashing of your past is ridiculous. How one person can have this much drama and revel in it by having a public account of it is beyond me. Good job using your readers to rehash this story, under the guise of answering "reader questions"...

[Ani]

And please understand, my comment is not meant to finish your experience. You have been through a horrible ordeal and marriage. I only question why rehash it in this public forum and your motives and the spirit in which you are doing it...

[Mary]

Wow, just wow.

My armchair psychoanalysis tells me that Brandy, jealous of you, was thrilled to become your ex's partner-in-harrassment - and therefore the most important person in his sad little twisted world.

A sane man would have gone out, gotten laid and gotten on with his life. This guy seems to want to sit in a darkened room and chew over the same vomit over and over again.

The really sad thing, I'm sure his parents - even in the face of lawsuits, etc. - will still blame you. And your kids have to live in that environment 50% of the time. Ugh.

[Rachael]

It broke my heart a little to read how your daughter has expressed the thought that you hate her Dad. Only because she's too little to have any capacity to understand this whole situation and it sucks that you have to feel bad about that too after everything else you've been through.

I volunteer for a domestic violence and sexual assault program, and it's always so heartbreaking to me how many people don't even realize how wrong it is what they're going through. Because of that work, I also understand how horrible things must have been for the DA to press charges and go ahead with the case against Brandy. It is absolutely awful that the judge would not at least grant the temporary 2 week order to cover you until your hearing. We have really good judges where we live, and they almost always grant the temporary.

I've read and enjoyed your blog for a long time, but I am just amazed by you now. What you're doing is so strong, and so difficult. And by sharing it all with us, you will undoubtedly help people, which is awesome. (Hugs)

[Jamie]

I agree with Rachel, that it is indeed some fucked up shit! I hope Dave is getting some help, because he is clearly not ok. Not ok at all and it's so sad that Genoa and Alex have to be in the middle of it and I sincerely hope they are safe with him. On a positive note, you wrote once about how having Joel in your life is good for your kids. This post illustrates that point very clearly. As awful as your marraige was (and divorce has been), how amazing to have found yourself in such a healthy, loving and supportive relationship!

[Ian]

First off, wow. Terrible bunch of people you're mixed up with there. I'm sorry and good luck.

Secondly, and on somewhat of a tangent, in the past month, my wife's wallet has been stolen and $2,000 in charges were rung up, I witnessed a prolonged assault on a lady in a restaurant, and 2 dudes broke into 3 of my cars and left their fingerprints all over the place. Each time, the police could not be bothered to show up. Instead they asked that we just fill out a report online.

Your ex-husband can't get access to his email and they come knocking on your door? Goddammit, I'm moving to Portland.

[Adrienne]

I'm just appalled at what's been happening but am still impressed with you and how you are handling an obviously difficult situation. I'm so glad you're surrounded by good people who can help and that you've found Joel. If nothing else, I think it's great that you can continually see how your partner is supposed to react in bad situations at the same time while you see the incorrect actions! Amanda, you are brave and I hope you remind yourself of that everyday. Hugs to you!

[Nanvy]

Thank goodness you are finally being honest with yourself and have extricated yourself from that mess. FWIW I still have the occasional nightmare about my ex and it's been 8 years. It is so liberating to finally take a stand and stop the abuse. Bravo Amanda!!

[faraway reader]

I would be terrified to have my children leave my side after all that. Who can you trust on that side? I would be pursuing it to the fullest extent of the law for all people involved. Just sad.

Are you feeling better now ?
I hope so. And I've said it before but I am so glad Joel came into your life.
Take Care.

[Kendra]

I wonder - is it time to pursue full custody of your children? With your ex and his "partner in crime" stewing up so much hate against you, don't you worry about him going off the deep end? He sounds like the type of person (with 27 guns and all) who locks himself in the house and has a standoff with the police.

I am being serious.

[Sarah]

Wow. That is so scary! No one deserves to go through this. :( I'm sorry that you have to go through it. But I'm also happy that you have a good support system.

Also - you kick ass.

[Lori]

I don't even know what to say. Even after you clued me in a couple months ago that Dave had something to do with the stalking, I never would've guessed all this. Stay safe and let me know if there's any way I can help. I mean it.

[Amber]

I hope this is the hardest thing you ever have to go through and that the worst is over now. Hope, hope, hope.

[Nat]

I hope Brandy is getting the professional help she needs (probably the courts will require it) though I worry that she, like Dave, don't realize how badly they need it. And a sick man should not be advertising for new victims on craigslist. This week he's "Is it just me or is it creepy in here?" Yeah... its mostly just him.

[AmyH]

I can't believe this. How scary for you. Is it possible to get full custody of the kids based on this? I can't believe they are safe with a guy who would spend his time messing with you like that. It obviously shows lack of morals on his part.

[karen]

Wow amanda! That is some scary shit!! Thinking of you and sending positive vibes..my ex is a jerk but mainly to my daughter, I can handle it, but she can't lots of psych problems, hang in there girl!

[Lisa]

Wow. When you posted the Brandy e-mail, I commented something to the effect of "Everyone is good at heart, they just have ugly moments."
Shit, was I wrong. Some people are just so full of fear and anger it's taken over completely. Dave and Brandy could change, but it sounds unlikely.
Kudos on redrawing boundaries and removing yourself from any and all interaction with Dave.
Please do all that you can to take care of yourself and your children. Make sure you are all loved and safe.

[heatherw]

I can't figure out why custody of the kids is still shared. I went looking for the awful email exchange, and while I didn't find it, I did find a seemingly benign daddy blog authored by your ex. Some things of concern: he's calling your daughter a "b-word" (butthead, but still - given the history of verbal abuse, how long until he starts verbally and emotionally abusing your kids?), and he took pictures of her holding up a rifle, and the ammunition. She's all of 5 years old. Seems to fly in the face of teaching gun safety to children. Though it is admirable to want to co-parent, the reality is that it may not be best for your kids. Dave sounds like a sick fuck.

[Kendra]

Also, did you talk to attorney about dropping the restraining order? The only reason I say that is if you do decide to challenge the custody situation - it will help if you either have that in place or are shown to have tried to have one approved.

As for reading & accessing his emails - ethically I think what you did was wrong, even though you did find possibly incriminating information. But, this is a free country and your ex is allowed to write and think what he says in private. I think this is a case of the ends not justifying the means. What if you had NOT found what you found - then clearly you would have violated his privacy. What if all you found was his medical information or some online dating information?

You should have taken the high road and just deleted his email account and told him to go get a free google account. You might even be guilty of identify theft if you logged in as him in order to read his email - even if it was on your account. I do agree it's time to sever the connection of him using any online service you manage.

And yes, you think he woud be smarter than than. I am amazed he would carry on such an exchange on an email system he knew you had access to. Wow. Maybe he wanted to get caught? Or doesn't understand how email accounts work?

[jules]

This pisses me off. So unnecessary. And completely perverted.

Dave-people get divorced. They fall out of love or change or decide to not be a doormat. Whatever. It happens. Move on. Pull on your big boy underwear and move on with your life. I felt bad for you at first-because it is hard to be the one left behind while the other moves on easily and even falls in love. But this behavior is sick. Your hatred of Amanda is going to ruin your life and your relationship with your kids. Spend the time and energy that you put into stalking Amanda and GET A JOB! Move out of your mom's house. Be a man. Seriously, you need therapy. Focus on your kids. Because if you don't-you may not have them with you much longer.

Sorry you're having to deal with all this Amanda. Hope things calm down and the arrests scare the sense into them.

[Elizabeth (friend of your cousin)]

Um, wow, holy sh@# !?!?
So to clarify the DA is pursuing the charges against them? I do believe a custody modification is needed. I hope more sunny days come your way so you & your kiddos can bathe in peace.