Was your marriage abusive?

I'm starting with this question because it's the most difficult one for me to answer. I've written this post a hundred times and all I keep thinking is that no one is going to believe me when I tell the truth. But all I have is my truth. This is what my marriage looked like from behind MY glasses. Dave has a completely different story to tell, no doubt. (No shit!) Our realities of one another never even remotely matched up. (Reason number 3,467 why we're no longer married...)

If anyone had asked me this question while I was married, I'd have scoffed at it. Abusive? Our marriage? Pfft. No way. But here's the thing about emotional abuse - when it's happening to you, it can be extremely difficult to recognize it for what it is. I just kept trying to make things work, but underneath all that bravado, I knew something was terribly wrong. It wasn't just that I'd fallen out of love with my husband.

There was a reason I drank so much during that last year and hid myself away on the couch reading romance novels. It was either that - keep my brain occupied on something else - or fantasize endlessly about leaving him. I realize this was not exactly the healthiest coping mechanism, but if I didn't drink enough (or take a xanax) to knock myself out, I'd lay awake at night sobbing quietly beside him, thinking about how much I wished I could keep my life - my kids, my friends, my house, my writing, my work - and simply replace the person I was sharing it all with.

It was something I couldn't admit - not even to myself - but all the therapy I've had would be a huge waste if I couldn't get to a place where I can say out loud: yes, my marriage was abusive. Because I might not have known what to call it at the time and I might hate the word VICTIM with all my might (I do), but that's what I was: a victim.

I wish I could start with a disclaimer about how my ex-husband never hurt me physically, but that would be a lie, so I'm not going to start there. Instead, let's start with the easy stuff. According to Wikipedia, domestic violence includes...

Emotional abuse, which is:

• humiliating the victim privately or publicly (YUP),
• controlling what the victim can and cannot do (INDEED),
  
• withholding information from the victim (ALL THE TIME),
  
• deliberately doing something to make the victim feel diminished or embarrassed (UH-HUH),
  
• isolating the victim from friends and family (DON'T EVEN GET MY MOM STARTED ON THIS ONE),
  
• implicitly blackmailing the victim by harming others when the victim expresses independence or happiness (THIS ONE DIDN'T APPLY TO US), or
  
• denying the victim access to money or other basic resources and necessities (DITTO, DIDN'T APPLY). (Denying me access to affection and sex, however? DAILY.)

Emotional/verbal abuse is defined as any behavior that threatens, intimidates, undermines the victim’s self-worth or self-esteem, or controls the victim’s freedom. Constant criticism, name-calling, and making statements that damage the victim’s self-esteem are also common forms of emotional abuse (CHECK AND CHECK. ALL THE TIME, MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY).

Often perpetrators will use children to engage in emotional abuse by teaching them to harshly criticize the victim as well (NOT ENTIRELY, although my children were certainly exposed to it and likely still are). Emotional abuse includes conflicting actions or statements which are designed to confuse and create insecurity in the victim (YUP). These behaviors also lead the victim to question themselves, causing them to believe that they are making up the abuse or that the abuse is their fault.

Our marriage had a very specific pattern that went like this: Dave would find fault with something I'd done or said (or not done or not said) and he'd attack me - verbally. Then I would defend myself. Then he'd find additional fault with whatever reasoning I'd used to defend myself and he'd attack me again. Wash, rinse, repeat. This happened all day, multiple times a day, every day for the entire 15 years we co-habitated. And every. single. time. it happened, it was always my fault because, after all, I was the one who had started it by doing, saying (or not doing or not saying) whatever it was that had pissed him off. (If you read that e-mail exchange between us, then you know that this pattern continued long after our divorce...)

The thing is, though, I fought against him every time he attacked me. I couldn't SEE the abuse for what it was, I just thought we fought a lot. I didn't see that he was ALWAYS the one attacking and I was ALWAYS the one defending. And I could never stop defending myself because GOD DAMN IT, I was not going to be a doormat. NO WAY. If I had to break his toys and throw things at him to make my point, I did. Because it was either that or let him win.

My marriage was also sexually abusive. We went several years without having sex at all and when I made it clear that that was a deal breaker for me, Dave doled out sex to me in tiny bite-sized portions, designed to illustrate how he was in control and that my own gratification was still going to be up to me because (as it turned out), I disgusted him. In over 14 years of intimacy with him (AND ONLY HIM) I never once successfully initiated sex. If I was in the mood and it was my idea, it was absolutely NOT going to happen. Not under any circumstances. Not ever. Not once. He held every single card in our sexual deck.

Towards the end of our marriage, sex almost always left me rope-burned and bruised, literally, which is why I can't say that my marriage wasn't physically violent. It was. It was sexually violent. Here's the pill that's been the hardest to swallow: I went along with it - WILLINGLY - because my head was so messed up that I mistook that kind of sexual abuse for love. When there's that little affection to go around, you'll take any scrap you can get your hands on. Dave never even kissed me during sex. I was his wife and he used me. And I went along with it because he was my husband and I didn't know any better.

Again, I didn't know that my marriage was abusive. I just thought it was BAD. Even Dave knew it was bad. At least once a month, I'd have a huge breakdown and threaten to leave him. He'd promise up and down that he'd stop criticising me. He'd CRY. He'd beg me to stay. And then he'd stop bitching at me for maybe a day or two before immediately resuming the pattern. His kindness never lasted longer than a week. If our divorce surprised him, it was only because I actually followed through with it. He'd known how miserable I was for more than a decade.

I know this is a VERY different picture than the one I painted on my blog all those years and for that, all I can do is apologize. I'm sorry. Even when I announced the divorce and claimed that I was "no longer in love with my husband," I was actively protecting my abuser, which is pretty much textbook victim behavior. I didn't see myself as a victim, so I was just trying to keep the peace and get away from him with as few scars as possible.

I regret it. God, you have no idea how much I regret it.

Which is why I'm sharing my story now. Not to get back at him or out of some sick need for revenge. I'm sharing it because doing so is part of my personal healing process. I NEEDED to write about it. If you've read GRAVY, then you know this process started way back then with my first chapter.

More importantly, if there is even one woman out there reading this and having an ah-ha moment, then thank you for being here because this post is for you.

Comments

[Beth]

I recognize myself and my marriage so much in this. But I don't know what to do.

[Paige]

Amanda,
You are one brave, brave lady. For making it through and for sharing an intensely private story so publicly. I am so sorry for what you went through. I having reading you for a long time, but only have thoughts of caring and being proud of you for making changes for your own health and safety. As for you painting a different picture on the blog - let that be a lesson to all of us, that things aren't always what they seem, and I think you did what you needed to do to get by.
Thank you for sharing. I love reading about you being so happy these days, in spite of ongoing struggles.
~Paige

[Fliptybert Flaptyback]

It's not just women who are victims...

*hug* tho'

[Mollye]

Amanda, I love your honesty. Thanks for telling the truth; its a powerful weapon, especially for someone who has learned to hide, lie and cover for their abuser.

[Brandee]

you were my aha moment. I have an italian husband who everyone said was soo nice, funniest guys. And 3 weeks ago when I told him not to come home people were devastated cause Joe is the nicest guy. Well, all I can say is you didnt live my life behind closed doors for 16 yrs. You didnt have your fourteen yr old daughter ask you to leave her dad because he is so mean. And so many people have turned on us but you know what I sleep now. I thought I had insomnia, I didnt I had husbandnia and I am now cured. SO there will always be the non believers but who cares it is your story not theres. When you wrote the Dont love him blog, I wrote a comment wishing I had the courage.

Thank you Amanda, I got the courage! And I understand....

[Brandee]

theirs not theres sorry

[Grechen]

Thank you for sharing this. It takes saying things out loud to fix things. Beth, up there.. Hugs, girl. You can do it! Whatever it is you need to do!

[Mary]

I had sent this same list to my daughter when she was in a relationship that was veering into the control/abuse spiral.

We make compromises and excuses to try to keep the status quo, to keep pretending that everything is fine to ourselves, our families and to the outside world. It is a very hard reality to break from, and never pretty.

You should be commended for finally breaking that pattern of living that was toxic to both you and your ex, and would have eventually become toxic for your kids.

[Amy]

Amanda, I am so glad you are in a happier place.

[Elizabeth]

I'm finding you more likable than ever. Thank you for sharing this. My question is, was there one big incident like in the book when the husband was secretly getting a vasectomy?

[Lori]

My first marriage (at age 19) was like this. I left him after a year and three months. One of the best decisions I ever made.

[Kendra]

The problem I and probably others have Amanda is that you have told so many lies, forged so many deceptions... that how can anyone possibly believe this post or any other? Especially when it is so subjective.

What this post translates to me is: "I was unhappy with my marriage for a lot of reasons and I should have ended it sooner, but I didn't. And then I did."

I am glad you have moved on from being unhappy at least.

[Becca]

So I've been reading for years but am not much of a commenter. But this I have to comment on.

I'm so glad you got out and are actively seeking a loving healthy relationship, one that your children will see and one from which they can learn the right way in which to treat and be treated by the ones they love.

I wish my mother had done this for her daughters. I am angry FOR her that she has lived this way for over 37 years of marriage, but I'm also still mad AT her that she didn't protect us from this (even though she is too victimized to understand that's what happened).
You got out and can show your kids another way.
She didn't even understand she wasn't the one in the wrong until about 5 years ago. It's amazing how people can mess up your head.

If anyone needs it I can 100% recommend Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds Of Angry and Controlling Men".
Some other books are ridiculous in their advice "confront him and tell him no" ummm, way to get her punched authors.
But not this one. This book is so amazing, I've bought 5 copies in the last 5 years, they all get lent to people who lend them to people and they get lost to me but found by people in bad situations, so I keep rebuying it. I've had friends refuse to believe they're in emotionally abusive relationships till they read it and see themselves on every page.
I feel like every preteen girl should read the part on how to spot the signs before being allowed to date.

I'm sorry you lived in a household like that, I'm glad you were able to see another way of life for yourselves and your family.

[A Genuine Fan]

Hi Amanda: I've been reading your blog for a very long time...back when you were still thinking about leaving California. I've never felt the need to comment before because frankly I thought you were full of shit and your ridiculous blog posts about the crap you were buying for your house blah blah blah and your husband "the lawyer" made me laugh out loud. I'm only telling you all this to say that I finally get it. This post you wrote completely changes how I feel about you and your situation. I still don't know if it's the right thing to do (expose yourself and your children to public scrutiny) but I can say that I now understand where you are coming from. You have totally impressed me and that's not an easy thing to do. I truly wish you nothing but every happiness with your life, your children and your man. I will continue to read your blog but with a completely different outlook!

[Nancy]

This was a great post, Amanda - thank you for writing it and being truthful about what is and what was. I see myself a bit in your post (from my life long ago, before I broke my cycle). The wiki definition is interesting (and frankly sounds like it was written by a women - IMHO). I think that very often, the flip side to the definition bullet points is that the other party (the recipient, the "victim", the other engaged person - whatever you want to call the role) plays into the abuse game just by being. My own opinion is that emotional abuse is often a game, although the participants don't always recognize that it is a game. Sure, there are instances when one (or both) parties are just truly hateful, damaged people who have real issues dealing with people at all. But my observation is that much of the time it really is a tango. A lousy, unhealthy, destructive game.

In my experience, we just had a bad chemistry where he was the aggressive half and I was the passive half. His manner (not just to me, but in general) was to verbally interrupt or talk over, to withdraw, drink, be dark and moody, jump to angry words. My response (mostly in response to him, but to some extent in general) was to withdraw, be quiet, to fume, to worry. If I liked alcohol I'm sure I would have been drunk to try to dull the pain of my existence. We grew to hate each other, though we never said it out loud - but our actions spoke louder than words and for whatever reason we each chose to continue to muscle through it. We went more than a year without being intimate - though I can't say if it was more him or me, just that's what it was. He had (or developed?) proclivities that did not interest me, and we continued to drift apart. We fought, and more often just ignored each other, and it was awful. He cheated, and eventually I did. I knew things were really bad when I used to drive past bridge abutments and think about "what if". Eventually (8 long years later) I had enough. I took advantage of a job opportunity that opened up and moved hundreds of miles away. I put some lip service to "making it work" from a distance, but in the meantime the lightbulb had turned on and I started to find myself and feel good about myself apart from him -- and eventually I got brave enough to file for divorce. It was the best feeling ever, to finally take back my existence and become me! I trust that you are well on your way through that transformation.

The good news is that there is always an opportunity to stop the game and extricate yourself (or as the case may be, yourselves, when kids are involved). I'm so glad that you have, and that you are discovering your true self. You may find that as the years go by, there is some level of slingshot effect -- initially, you swing far into one direction as you start to really discover yourself again and plug back into YOUR life (instead of feeling compelled to be plugged into the old game). Time, therapy, friends and family will do wonders to put yourself and your kiddos back together where you want to be. As time goes by, you may swing back a bit more towards center or even past center as you figure out all the details and rebuild.

It's an awesome adventure - I wish you the best. I'm just so glad to read real honesty here, acceptance of depression, acceptance that your marriage was broken (and to some extent, you were too). You're on the right track - can't wait to read where it takes you! THIS Amanda is one I really want to know more about!

[DonnaV]

You are so brave and beautiful, way to dig deep and let 'er rip with the truth.

[Kerry]

I've written and re-written this comment too many times to count, but what it boils down to is this:

*Thank you for sharing your experience.

*I wish I'd had this kind of courage when I was in the midst of my own emotionally abusive relationship.

*Again, thank you. Just... thank you.

[faraway reader]

Wow Amanda. I felt so sad for you while reading that.
I really see now why you and Joel click so well. After reading his posts on the religion blog, I can see you both now in a gentle, supportive and nurturing relationship because of the places you have come from. I am so happy for you.

[Kerri]

I have followed your blog for years now and I have spent the past few days skimming over every past blog entry of yours that I could. I was thinking as I was reading them, with a different set of eyes to which I first read them with .
I see it now. I see the sadness. I see the unhappiness. I see the veil you drew over what you didn't want us to see because in amognst the 'my life is so perfect' posts you let little bits out about the real life you lead.
Then this morning I come to find this post and it's just like you've turned on the light and allowed us all to see what you were hiding not only from us but also from yourself.
I see you Amanda. I am proud of you Amanda. More power to you.

[typelittlea]

Thank You. Thank You for showing your kids it doesn't have to be this way. My father was like this, and I wished daily my mom would leave him. I know this was hard to write.

[Julie Marsh]

Amanda, I've known you for a long time (in online terms), and I have to tell you that since you and Dave split up, you really seem like YOU. This post explains why. Thanks for having the courage to write it.

[lcg]

John 8:32

[Katie N]

You are a different person on the outside and debilitated and degraded on the inside when emotionally abused. It is very hard to recognize (although people that love you knew but did not know what to do to help no matter how much they wanted to do so), and even harder to have the strength to leave.

Regardless of what you call it, relationships that cause someone to hide inside themselves are incredibly damaging. I am proud of you for beginning to heal. And for putting this out there. Admitting that you need help (getting out and of course the therapy) is a very courageous thing to do. You are very strong.

[Adrienne]

So very, very proud of you for posting this and so very, very happy for you that you're in a better place. I'm giving you an internet hug from a stranger (but in a totally not weird or creepy way), you are so much stronger than I think even you realize.

[doahleigh]

Ditto to all the above (well the positive, supportive stuff). I don't know, that's all I can think to say. Just yes, wow, good.