And then there were... FIVE?!

Mostly because it's not entirely my story to tell, I don't think I've mentioned that a lot of the stress in our lives lately has come from Joel being involved in a somewhat cumbersome personal project. Liza has lived with her mother full-time (with the exception of the usual single-dad weekends and Wednesdays) for several years, but that time has never been enough for Joel.

Over the nine months we've been together, it's become clear to both of us that we not only want her, but that it's in Liza's best interest to be with us. Full time. All the time. Even if it means going to court to make that happen. We're trying to avoid an ugly, expensive court battle, so Joel's been working through mediation and the first step was getting Liza for the summer, which we hope to make permanent once the school year starts. (CROSS YOUR FINGERS!)

I could talk for YEARS about Liza. How I not only adore her and wish she was my daughter, but how I'm pretty sure Liza is the reason I met Joel and fell in love with him. How Liza's presence in my life is somehow fundamental to my progress as a human being. In the less-than-year I've known her, she's forced me (through ZERO fault of her own) to work through my teenage sexual abuse, my weight, my mother, how I feel about dieting, my weight, how I feel about her father, how I feel about being called "Mommy" and a million other things.  All of them necessary. To both of us.

We're kind of a perfect match, Liza and me. I can't tell you how happy I am that she came with the Joel package.

That, and the child makes one hell of an omelette.

The funny thing, and I should probably be embarrassed about it, but I'll say it anyway, is that I've spent SO MUCH TIME fretting over Liza and her reaction to moving in with us full-time, that I didn't think twice about how my own kids would feel about it. Not that I haven't been thinking about my kids, but, seriously, my kids are RESILIANT. They are amazing. And they ADORE Liza. The first question out of Genoa's mouth every week when I pick her up is, "IS LIZA THERE?! WHEN DO I GET TO SEE LIZA?!"

So it never even occurred to me that we'd have any problems combining our families.

STOP LAUGHING.

No, Seriously. STOP.

I had no idea! I've never done this before!

So on the first Friday of the summer, I told my kids about all of it. How Liza was going to be here all the time. How we're #1 on the waiting list for a three-bedroom apartment at our complex. They seemed stoked! No problems, right?

But that night at bedtime, Genoa pitched the biggest fit she's ever pitched in the history of Genoa pitching fits. (Which, if you've been reading this blog for any length of time, should make you run and hide under your bed.)

She didn't want to get into her pajamas in the same room as Liza. Which I found pretty odd considering that Genoa and Liza share an amazingly hip taste in clothes and love picking out outfits and getting dressed together. I told Genoa that if she didn't want to change in her room, she was perfectly welcome to find some privacy in the bathroom and she completely flipped her lid. She didn't want Liza there. At all.

I dragged her into the bathroom and she did this dance where I put her pajamas on her, then she tore them off, then I put her pajamas on her again, then she tore them off again. Wash, rinse, repeat. All the while she was screaming at the top of her lungs.

Until it finally dawned on me (because I'm a lot slower than you'd think, apparently) that this battle had nothing to do with her Sponge Bob pajamas and everything to do with me being her mother and her not wanting to share me with anyone, not even her beloved Liza.

So I crawled into Genoa's bed, snuggled her so hard she almost couldn't breathe and reassured her that she was the only daughter I was going to have - EVER - and that no matter what, she would always be my first love.

"Yes, Genoa, I love you the most. Even more than Joel or Liza or any other girl, ever." I gave Alex a similar reassurance.

It took her a while to calm down, but by then we'd both gotten the message loud and clear.

Genoa and Alex will be the only two children ever allowed to call me Mommy. No matter how comfortable I am in the role or how much I love hearing Liza tell me she wishes she could call me Mom, I'll stick to the truth, thankyouverymuch, and the truth is that only two children ever came out of this vagina.

And hell! Liza's lucky that I'm NOT her mother! I just get to be Amanda, the woman who adores her father, fawns all over her and doesn't have to be the full-time Head Bitch On Duty because that's not her job. I get to be her FRIEND, which is something my own kids will never get.

Win-win, right?

Of course last night it was an entirely different story. I took the kids, all three of them, into my room before bed and we spent half an hour giggling over Joel's kidney stone ("He still has to pee it out his wang?!"), how best to rid oneself of loose teeth and who - no seriously - WHO had just farted. It was better than ideal. Liza took the kids to bed and read to them and we finally had to interrupt all their laughter, because seriously, it was 11:00 already. Go the fuck to sleep.

No matter how hard (or easy) it gets, I just keep reminding myself to look at the big picture. Which is that no matter how difficult it is for my kids to share their space with a new semi-sibling, or get used to a new man telling them to take out the trash, it's all for the best.

How will my children learn what love looks like if I don't SHOW them?

I know there are plenty of you (still!) (lamely!) thinking I should sacrifice everything and live alone until my children graduate from college, but what exactly would THAT do for them? What example would that set? What would that teach my son about how to treat a woman? What would it teach my daughter about how she deserves to be treated by a man?

How would they learn about compromise? How would they learn about love?

I'd rather teach them about it first hand in all its terrifying, brutal glory. I'd rather they get to live it every day until it seeps into their bones.

I fully realize and accept the fact that I'm being selfish here. I want to share my life with Joel. But I'm equally convicted that what's good for this goose is good for her gander.

Either way, I'd love to hear your family-merging stories. Pretty or not, I'm sure they'll help.

Comments

[MeiLin Miranda]

So when are JJ and I going to meet this bald paragon, eh? :D

[heather]

You couldn't be getting this more right. You get to to be her friend and meet her where she's at. That's such a gift and she's one radiant kid.

[Fran Means]

So the story of my family is that until the age of twelve, I thought it was my only family. Then one afternoon in the summer my mother pulled me into the living room to explain that we were going to have a visitor. Within ten minutes, I discovered that my mom had been married before; that the person I had thought was my dad was really my stepdad; that I had an older brother and a dad I couldn't remember. I wandered out of the house not knowing what to think about what I had just heard. In a short time my brother showed up. It seems now as if my mom didn't know how to introduce us so she just shoo'd us outside to make our own acquaintance. I really didn't feel much of a connection with that boy but we climbed trees together and didn't talk much. I didn't meet him again until I was 23 and married with one child.

I found out later that my stepdad had forbidden my mom to have any contact with her son or ex-husband and his family. He had legally adopted me to try to erase those relationships. Once I knew the history some of his behavior towards me started to make sense. I was expected to be responsible for the behavior of my younger siblings. He favored his first son over me even though I was the oldest child. It seemed I was always trying to prove how good I was but good behavior, grades and hard work were not enough.

My encounters with my biological father were few and brief. When I was just about to graduate from high school, during a visit facilitated by my aunt, he gifted me with a new cardigan. A few years before he died, I tried to arrange a visit with him but he cancelled at the last minute, claiming ill health.

A postscript to this strange story is that my biological dad was a womanizer. While he was married to my mom, he had a girlfriend that he had gotten pregnant. So somewhere I have a half-brother that I have never met. Deja vue!

[Andrea Burgardt]

I completely hesitate to "criticize" because I'm not doing it out of a mean place...however, as a child of divorce and repeated merged families.
I think it might be premature to say you don't/won't consider Liza your daughter, just because she might feel left out.
Granted, my situation was no where close to yours. I was 4 when my dad married his now ex-wife, whom I lovingly refer to as Bitchface. Bitchface (BF) had two older kids. So i was now not an only child, but a little sister! COOL!
Except Bitchface grew a deep resentment over my being daddy's little girl. And she took it out on me with increasingly violent ways for 3 years.

I am in NO WAY comparing my situation to yours. But from a kids perspective, it can be hurtful to Liza.

With my 1st step-dad, he was "papa" I referred to him as Daddy once and the shit hit the fan from my dad. SO, papa he was forever. Even 20 years after the divorce, he's papa. I can't call him by his given name. And we have had no contact. And he's now dead. But alas, Papa he remains.

Maybe Liza could have a different version of mom that would retain the sanctity of mommy/mom that it holds for you and your children as well as for Liza's mom.
It sounds to me that you've done a good job of integrating her in. So it may be a non issue. She may already call you a nickname. I dunno!

It just gets dicey when love and favorites and feelings get involved, to hell with good intentions. Plus, Liza's a pre-teen....and that's rough.

But thank you for rocking and rolling and loving her! You're awesome and I wish my dad had found someone with such a big heart instead of bitchface. (hey, there's no 20 year hostility going on over in this crib!) :)

Hope that made since.....I tend to ramble on and on and on.

[Amber]

You're getting in deep, woman! And I mean that in every possible way you can think of. Unless, that is, you can think of more meanings than I can, in which case I might not mean it that way. But mostly, I'm talking about your soul.

[Tamara]

No family-merging stories here, but I'm totally with you on the showing the kids what love looks like. Some parts of me think it would be better to singleton it out, but sixteen years is a long time!

And I really want to model a good relationship for my children. Their father is dating someone seriously, whom I thankfully like and trust with my children, but I have no idea what their relationship looks like. I'm gonna go with healthy in my mind, and just say that you can never model too many positive love relationships to your children <3

[Siera]

I am happy for you and your new addition! My family blending story isn't so happy, so I don't think it has it's place here.

[jamie]

I think my family is a lesson on how NOT to do it. My dad had 2 daughters, then married my mother and had me, then soon after me, my mom and dad moved 2 states away from my older half sisters and I was basically raised as an only child. My sisters barely had any relationship with me or our dad, they'd come for a week in the summer and we'd see them for a few days every year, and that was about it. Thankfully they had an amazing mother, but even though our father was the same man, he was a different dad to me than he was to them. I got the better end of the deal sadly. I always wished it had been different.

[crystal]

i would really like to know who really did fart. just sayin. :)

love how raw and lovely this all is and am so happy you have found your heartbeat in joel, in liza, in your kids and in yourself. you are amazing. i am constantly inspired by you.

[Janyll]

What I would want to teach my kids is that you can't create a family unless and until the commitment of marriage is there to act as the glue. Till then, you're just playing house, which is fine if you're unencumbered, but not so fine when three kids are involved. I hope no one gets hurt, and unless Liza is now in a bad home, I can't imagine why any mother or judge would think a girl this age belongs in that sort of situation. As for your kids, how will they feel knowing you have them half-time but have Liza full-time? Are you sure they're resilient and not just calloused from all the tough stuff they've had to live through at such young ages?

[Nancy]

I was married to someone who had 2 girls', I have 2 sons. I loved those girls with my whole heart. The marriage ended abruptly & haven't spoken with them for years. Fast forward, I now see on Facebook my sons are friends with them. Odd, but it seems there was a bond and even though our marriage ended they stayed connected. They prob connected coming from divorce & even as they age, there is still the connection of being from a divorced family - 2 x's over now... wow & sad!

[kheatherg]

We have a his/hers and ours family. I brought in one, he brought in one and we had one. The girls are the oldest, the boy is "ours" and the baby by 9 years. He's a terror with more "mothers" than he knows what to do with. LOL

I hate to say we are lucky, but we have the girls full time. We dont share with the other parents, simply because the other parents have no interest. The girls are 17 and 15 and it's been like this for the majority of their lives. I've been a step mom to our 15 year old since she was 5. She is as much my daughter as my own flesh and blood. Sometimes i LIKE her better than her sister, who is my biological daughter. LOL

We dont use words like "step" in our home because we are a family, no additional labels needed.

Our story is a good one, we have good girls and our boy is just as awesome. He is the "tie that binds us all". They bicker like brother and sisters, the girls share clothes and they equal oppportunity pick on their brother. I like our story. Its not always perfect but we make due just fine.

My only concern with your situation is timing. Sounds kinda soon. But HEY! May all just work out perfect, who knows?

I'm sending good vibes! Anyone who wants to help raise another womans child and do it with love and care, is A-OK in my book.

[Katie N]

Since my parents divorced and remarried in my late 20s, I can't add any blending advice (imagine getting step-siblings when you are all adults - a little weird, but we work it out). At nearly 30 I learned that what I had thought had been a happy, loving marriage was not so. A shitty lesson, but in the end I just hope that my parents are now truly happy. Your kids (all THREE of them) are seeing true love happen. That is a good thing.

Anyway, as a teacher of pre-teens, I want to (publicly?) support your telling Liza the whole truth and nothing but the truth. She's no idiot. She gets it. Good for you. And I hope she comes up with some awesome Liza-esque nickname for you if she hasn't already. :) I hope that her relationship with her mother isn't hurtful to that sweet girl, but it unfortunately sounds like it is. :(

As far as your kids, it is no one's place to have any opinion on how you raise them. :) I believe that you are going with your gut and being as thoughtful as you know how. That is good parenting. :)

[Kait]

Our family is "blended" via adoption so I have no advice regarding that because it is such a different situation. But because I can't help myself, I do have advice.

* Explain, if you haven't already, to Liza why she can't call you mom right now. She is older, she will understand, but she needs to hear that the love is still there. If her biological mom is really not up to par, as a preteen she does need you as a mom not her friend. She also needs to hear from you why that can't happen.

* Explain to your kids repeatedly that you love them and they are your priority and then show it. Special outings (even if just to a grocery store), one on one snuggle time, etc. You have lots of time to make sure Liza feels loved and secure. Use the time you have with your kids to do the same for them.

* Explain to your kids why Liza gets to there full time and they don't. Be considerate of everyone but be honest. Your kids need to know you aren't bailing to start a new family.

[lolismum]

I agree with everyone that the hardest pill for your kids to swallow will be the fact that Liza will be there full time while they get to see you half the time. And Genoa's reaction is completely normal. There are some nice info on the net about how to introduce children to such changes, how to help them transition. The biggest lesson that comes across from such information is that one needs to acknowledge their fears, their anxieties, their frustrations, not dismiss them or ignore them. It's Ok to say, "Yes, mommy and daddy don't live together anymore and that is sad and frustrating, I am sorry." Good luck, none of this easy.

[Gretchen]

I can't help but wonder what you are thinking sometimes. You have a way of making it all sound so "correct". I do hope your kids are as tough as you think. They are very young and look to you for guidance and examples. Are you sure you are the example they need?

[Amiee]

Hi Amanda,

I have read your blog off and on since last November. Your blog was introduced to me by your ex husband who I did date for just barely a few months. You and I are I swear are close to a mirror image.

I too have divorced my husband of 14 years. We got married when I was 19. He was mentally abusive and I did not realize how depressed I had gotten all those years. I didn't beleive in depression. I always felt that if your a strong person you can get yourself out of anything. Well 315 pounds, sleeping 12 hours or more a night and becoming a total bitch to everyone around me later I still didn't get it until after we had seperated.

Once we seperated it was amazing how the weight just melted off. IT literaly melted right off. I was wearing a size 28 in September and by Christmas I was a 18. Then by April I was a 14. I'm Sooooo excited I have lost 100 pounds so fast without much of an effort. I still have 50 pounds to go to make me truely happy. But right now I am so frustrated because I have all the excess baggage of skin. So I am not only working out hardcore, but doing a lot of weights to tone and try to loose some of this extra shit. I hope to be in a 12 by October.

Anyhow I started dating right away for the fun of it. Not looking for anything serious. But about 7 months ago I met the most amazing man. I wasn't looking for this or even wanting it right now, but it has happened. So we just moved in together. He has no children and I have one son. They get along so wonderfully.

Unfortuenatly I am getting the rath from not only my ex who shares alot of the same values as yours, but my family. Most of all my mother. She is currently not speaking to me.

So in the past 11 months I have gotten divorced, started dating for the first time in 16 years (at the age of 34), met someone and fell deeply in love, quite my job that I hated and did for 16 years, moved out of my house and in with my man. My son is adapating so well, minus the encouragement of his Dad after coming back from his short visits.

The nice thing for me is that my ex and I have a 90%/10% custady with me being the 90%. I do let him have his son as much as he can. Usually just once a week. But my Mother is the big issue. She has her claws in me and my son. But with time it will work itself out.

I too have a blog that I love. I don't write as well or as much as you, but I love my blog and can't get enough of it.My blog just talks about my daily life. citysandal.wordpress.com

Again I like ready occasionaly because well were both 35, been married for 15 years, just recently gotten divorced, have children and met the man that works. I know we are not the only ones, but its funny.

Good luck to you.
Amiee