Me: "I have never been this close to the bottom before. I have $250. I haven't had that small a safety net since the first time I had a paycheck. It's literally my every other thought."
Him: "You know you're going to be okay, right?"
Me: "Yeah, I know it."
Him: "But do you FEEL that way?"
Me: "Not at all!"
Him: "But you KNOW it. You're going to be fine."
Me: "Yes. I know it. But I can't FEEL it."
I walk into the kitchen and pour myself a drink. A drink made with the vodka he bought me.
Me: "Let's stop talking about this. I'm going to cry."
Him: "You're going to be okay."
Maybe, but I'm still going to cry...
you will be ok - you have survived everything else so far. Believe.
Posted by: lindsayc | June 07, 2011 at 10:08 PM
Oh, Amanda, I cannot tell you how many times I have been in this exact place. Just remind yourself that right now you can't do anything about it--right this minute you are okay. Drop me a line, please, we need to get together and talk ebooks!! xo
Posted by: MeiLinMiranda | June 07, 2011 at 10:25 PM
I feel this so keenly with & for you friend. When the line is that thin between you and the unknown, its hard not to panic. Totally get it.
Posted by: Arielsings | June 07, 2011 at 10:36 PM
I've really been enjoying your blogs - in the same way that I get enjoyment from Rhapsody and Netflix. I don't mind paying for good entertainment. But I don't see any kind of PayPal/Donate button on either of your blogs. Is there some way I can support your writing? What's your PayPal address?
Posted by: Ian Nyquist | June 07, 2011 at 11:24 PM
Ah, welcome to the sorry sisterhood of ridiculously broke single mamas...guess what though? You will be fine. It will work out. It has to. This has been my philosophy, and it almost always holds true- even when I only have $2.50 in the bank. Love you!
Posted by: Sara | June 08, 2011 at 06:17 AM
Hugs, Amanda. Hang in there.
Posted by: Canadian Rachel | June 08, 2011 at 07:16 AM
I unfortunately understand that feeling in the pit of your stomach. Waking up in the middle of the night worrying about whether or not there's enough money in the account to cover all your bills . . .
Hang in there. You've got a lot of friends that believe in you.
Posted by: Jules | June 08, 2011 at 09:00 AM
Even when I KNOW it's all going to work out sometimes I don't know if it's all going to work out. I get it totally. I hope things feel better today. Hang in there.
Posted by: faraway reader | June 08, 2011 at 09:35 AM
Kisses.
And I still want that drink with you ....
I'll buy. ;)
Valerie
Posted by: Valerie Willman | June 08, 2011 at 09:43 AM
I know this feeling oh, so well... I can't feel that I'm going to be OK, and to be honest I don't even know it... I just know that I think about money and my debts and the future and the fact that I have no savings (etc.) ALL. THE. TIME.
Life is hard!
Posted by: Kirsty | June 08, 2011 at 10:24 AM
I too am joining this not so fun club. My ex is not up on his child support and rather, is giving me nothing, and my full time job BARELY makes ends meet. That's only because my parents are watching the girls over the summer, when the Fall hits and daycare costs rise again - EEEKS. I don't know that everything will work out, and I certainly don't feel like it will, but well, it HAS to. So there. No other option - and I just do my best to remain positive. It has all somewhow worked out THUS far, we can do it!
Posted by: liana | June 08, 2011 at 11:19 AM
Thanks, y'all.
Ian, the thought had never even occurred to me! But you're right, I probably shouldn't shy away from asking for contributions.
I put a Paypal button right under my photo on the left sidebar. Feel free to use it!
Posted by: Amanda P. Westmont | June 08, 2011 at 03:14 PM
Get a J.O.B! I go to one everyday of the week, so can you! Begging is so unattractive...EWW!
Posted by: Elle | June 08, 2011 at 03:56 PM
You really have no shame, do you?
Posted by: Nancy | June 08, 2011 at 05:26 PM
Yeah welcome to the real world and get a job! Hell if ur so desperate that you have to beg for money go work at McDonalds! At least that's respectable.
Posted by: Elizabeth | June 08, 2011 at 06:01 PM
I have to agree with the last 3 comments. I honestly can't feel too badly for you when you GAVE UP your job because you were "unhappy" (really, I mean, who is completely thrilled to have to go to work?); the fact that you "lost" the remaining hours they were paying you for- well, reality blows! I think that you have been living in fantasy-land for too long and it is time to put on your big girl panties and deal with life as a single mom- like all of the rest of us.
Begging for money on your blog? Really? Ugh! Shameless and tasteless. Begging is very unattractive. Wow.
Posted by: Kerri Lynn | June 08, 2011 at 08:39 PM
Really Amanda? I can not believe that you are begging and panhandling for people to give you money. It's bad enough that you're begging people to buy your book, but now for money. Wow!
You said you have two jobs before? You said before that you had one job in Portland for 30 hours a week (that YOU cut down to 10 because you were "unhappy" and then you eventually lost that job altogether) and another job down the street for 10 hours a week, totaling full-time hours of 40 hours a week. What happened to the other job? Did you lose that one too? You also said you are making a living wage on Year of Sundays with Beliefnet. So, why should people donate if you are making a living wage there?
I guess I just don't get it??
Here's the thing, when you have no money to support yourself and your children then, as a single mother, you do what has to be done. PERIOD. I know lots of single moms that work 60 plus hours a week to support themselves and their kids. But, you don't want to work because you want to pursue your dream of being a writer. Well, you're 35 years old with two little children and no way to support them. You said you may not even be able to make your rent in July, so you can't even afford to put a roof over your heads. Yet you still don't want to work. You have this whole 'vag stylist' thing but that will be months away because of school. I (and many other people) worked my way through school to support myself, so again I don't get it.
Maybe it's time to put that writer dream on the back burner for a while? Or, do it in your spare time after the kids go to bed at night or on the weekends. You self-publish, so it's not like there's a publishing company out there paying you and giving you a deadline. So, you can do the writing thing whenever you want.
I think Elizabeth has a point - go work at McDonald's (if that's all you can get) or something. I mean there's no shame in doing a job where you are making an honest living working to earn money. That's much more dignified than panhandling for money because you don't want to work.
The thing a lot of your readers are losing sight of is that you are in this situation VOLUNTARILY. You quit your jobs because you don't want to work. Well, life's hard. No one wants to work. But, that's called being an adult.
Posted by: Mike | June 08, 2011 at 10:24 PM
Help support this writer? Seriously? I really use to think very fondly of you and like you a lot. I'm sort of disgusted by this. And I'm being as sincere as I can. I've never made a comment of this sort, but come on. You really think a lot of yourself, don't you? That's great, but don't expect the rest of us to. I work full-time, go to school full-time AND raise a kid alone. I KNOW what you're going through. I KNOW the struggles. Be a writer, follow your dreams and never lose sight of that goal. But in the meantime - get a job. Like the rest of us.
Posted by: Janie | June 08, 2011 at 11:14 PM
Apparently, my suggestion to add a donate button was controversial. Really?
I've read through the recent comments on this topic and I honestly don't get the "begging and panhandling" perspective. I just don't understand it. She's an author. Writing is what she does (and yes that is an actual profession even if she decides to supplement it with other sources of income). I've been enjoying her product, which she is offering for free. And now I enjoy the option to support her in that endeavor - and hopefully ensure that she will continue to write more of these these entries.
I've been following her blogs for 10 months now. That's over 100 blog entries. I've donated $1 per blog entry - which is kind of a steal since, among other things, I've gotten a new perspective on different religions without actually having to go to church.
Donate what makes sense to you... or don't... nobody is forcing you. But why be negative about it?
Posted by: Ian Nyquist | June 09, 2011 at 12:11 AM
On Twitter you wrote your blog is entertaiment & you're giving us a way to pay you for reading it. Do YOU pay other blog writers when YOU read their blogs? Seriously. Do you?
Really Amanda, you are not the first and certainly won't be the last, that has hit financial problems. Even a 2 income family has hit financial crisis. Pull up the boot straps & figure it out. A financial planner/advisor can certainly figure out what she needs to do...
Why should hard working folks have to support you? Taxpayers are already working 40+ hours a week to make sure you have food on the table. (I do hope you send up a silent thank you when buying your groceries.)Do you click on all paypal buttons to donate to help needy families? No? Why, because you don't have it to give? Well hello! Welcome to the real world Amanda. Neither do the other millions of ppl who are trying to survive. Who told you, you were that special? You crap & breathe just like the rest of us.
Obviously you know it was a last ditch effort to make some quick cash instead of facing reality - the reality of going out and finding a job to pay your own way in life. You obviously know that, to of become hostile & taken to Twitter to voice how upset you are at other's comments. Instead of heading to the kitchen to make another drink, how 'bout looking at the help wanted ads. Really Amanda, life isn't all about you. Suck it up buttercup.
Posted by: Nancy | June 09, 2011 at 04:27 AM
Maybe all the naysayers can just opt out of donating? Rather than being ridiculous? If you don't like it, don't do it. No need to shame Amanda. She has a right to "panhandle" on her blog just like you have a right to be assholes.
Posted by: Jessica | June 09, 2011 at 05:16 AM
I have supported a lot of your decisions before and felt bad for you for all that you've been through. I totally understand what it's like to not know if you'll make rent next month. But during that time? I was working...a lot. It's hard to have sympathy with you on this because there is something that you can do about it. It doesn't have to mean putting your dreams on hold. Just get a job until you are done with school. I have a lot of respect for you for all that you've done to chase happiness...but it's really hard to respect this. You're a smart woman...you should have no trouble finding a different job until you can get one as a stylist.
Posted by: Jen | June 09, 2011 at 05:51 AM
Wow. I read Amanda's latest post and saw not a single solitary hint of wanting money from readers. Amanda put that paypal button up AFTER a reader requested it. You don't have to do anything with that button if you don't want to.
And 'asking for money for her new book'?! So, every other author out there is giving their newly published material away, are they? Remind me to thank Neil Gaiman for not having to fork out 25 bucks for every new title he publishes next time I see him, if that's the case.
Get over yourselves, people. Amanda is a writer. Writers get paid for their work. If they have blogs, a huge amount of space on them is given over to self-promotion. That's reality. Amanda is no different than they are. She is not panhandling when she gives people the option to contribute to this site, neither is she begging when she asks you to pay for her new book. For you to say otherwise degrades an entire profession, and makes you look utterly foolish and small.
And--by the way--great way to kick a girl when she's down. Next time you get to a place where things are starting to look desperate for you and your family--and believe me, there will be a time when that happens, that's just life--remind me to give you a call and tell you what a failure you are. That all your choices have landed you in this tight spot, to put your big girl panties on, get a life/job/man, and stop your stupid whining already.
Do you even hear yourselves? Really? People like YOU are what is wrong with this society. What the hell happened to everybody giving a hand to those who are down instead of getting on your petty little soapbox and telling them what a failure they are as human beings?
No, I have never met Amanda. I read her blog, just like you, but somehow I manage to see just another human trying to get by instead of the horrible person you try to paint her as. Who the hell are you to tell her what she should be doing with her life? Did she ever invite you to make those calls? No? Then shut your pieholes.
And seeing as 250$ is the LEAST she has had in her bank account since she first started working, I think she has the whole 'job' think kind of figured out.
Posted by: Janet | June 09, 2011 at 05:55 AM
Again, like i've said before, "Sometimes i really think you have fucked the monkey, other times, i think your right on target!"
That being said, I didnt feel like you were begging in your post. I felt like you were just expressing your feelings. HOWEVER, after reading the comments, there are parts i really agree with. I think its great you are trying to live your dreams and make your own rules yadda-yadda, but reality sounds like you might have to get job outside of writing.
Also though, i would have to wonder if Dave put a DONATE tab up, if you wouldnt verbally nail his ass for being desperate. I'm sure he is in no better a financial situation.
This is just my opinion, it wont stop me from reading anything you write, i honestly enjoy your writing. Reality does however state though, it just might be time to get a job that pays for your obligations. Good Luck!
Posted by: kheatherg | June 09, 2011 at 06:44 AM
I responded with empathy because I do empathize with your situation.
I think Ian seems like a kind and generous person and my guess would be life has returned that to him.
I thought it was a worthy suggestion and I see it on lots of blogs I read. I honestly think the people who don't like this blog or the author should move on. I don't get the meaness on any level.
I appreciate your candor and honesty, for what its worth and I only wish you well.
Posted by: faraway reader | June 09, 2011 at 09:36 AM