On love, Take Two...

Let me take a quick break from the peanut gallery to answer a question - and a good one - from my mom. She recently pointed out that I seem to be exhibiting a dangerous pattern. That pattern being that my writing is pretty much her only source of information about me because I'm crazy busy and terrible at returning phone calls, but even more concerning, that I appear to be writing about Joel in a way that strikes a similar chord to the way I wrote about Dave during my marriage and how can she possibly tell the difference? How can she know I'm okay?

Way to cut to the chase, Mom!

But she's right - I hid so much about my relationship with Dave that how COULD anyone tell the difference? My mom lives two states away, so it's not like I can SHOW her the difference, even though that difference is obvious to anyone who's ever seen Joel Gunz and I in the same room together.

But how can I do him justice on my blog?

The truth is - I can't. But what follows here is my best try...

[Waterfront Blue's Festival. 4th of July. Radness.]

I was on the way home from Joel's gig a few weeks ago when I found myself obsessing over him like a teenage girl (you would, too, if you heard his epic drum solos). He threw his arms around me after that two-hour set and his drummer-boy sweat soaked through the silk blouse I was wearing over my capri pants. When I tried to lift my shirt up on the freeway, so I could smell his sweat on me with one hand, while I held the steering wheel with the other, I realized that I had never loved him more than I did in that moment. Shit, I've never loved him more than I do right now as I'm writing this post.

[If the fact that she so often climbs into his lap without warning or pretense is any indication, Genoa's pretty smitten herself.]

I almost hesitate to write about it because our therapist once called our love "sacred" and I think she might be on to something.  (She also looked me in the eyes during a recent session and said, "Amanda, I've been thinking about your vagina ALL WEEK.") (She's a keeper.) But I think she's right - there's something almost holy about our unholiest of communions.

Joel and I have never made any promises to eachother, except for that pinky promise we made to never get married. Ever. For any reason. We both simply prefer the idea of waking up every day with a choice. I'm not with Joel because I have an obligation to him; I'm with him because I want to be with him. Today. Which, as our recent trip to the ER reminded me, really is all we get.

[GORGEous snooglefication. Taken by Liza...]

It's funny because even though I'd written it in fiction, I'd never actually experienced that phenomenon where touching someone else gives me more physical pleasure than being touched myself. I love Joel's bald head, for example (HUGE SHOCK THERE, I know), and even though he gets zero thrill from my persistent fondling of it (in fact, sometimes it even annoys him), I don't care because I'm copping that feel for ME, not for him. I simply need to touch him.

[In line waiting to board the Looping Thunder at Oaks Park on Tuesday. Joel was a wee-bit nervous. I was a wee-bit busty, which is precisely how I calmed him down.]

But it's not just the physical that makes our love so sacred. It's that Joel is one of the only people I've known who has ever really SEEN me. I've been thinking a lot about why I've felt the need to defend myself against the accusations certain people make (sometimes HORRIFICALLY publicly) against me. It all comes down to being SEEN. Not everyone is going to see the me I really am. And no amount of discourse - ugly, pleasant or otherwise - is ever going to change that. I need to let it go and accept the fact that it doesn't matter who sees me as an evil, smelly whore, or a terrible mother who doesn't change her daughter's underpants often enough, because that's not me. That's someone else's reality.

[In my reality, this is what Joel looks like after a cup of Snoop Dogg's Colt 45!] [Which he will never, EVER be caught dead drinking again.]

But frankly, all the ugliness in my life, past and present, only serves as a magnificent contrast to my relationship with Joel, because he sees the same Amanda that I see. I never need to defend myself because he's already on my side. He's more on my side than I am even. He sees a better me than I do and he makes me want to live up to the person he sees.  [My favorite photograph ever taken of the two of us. Because I can still taste that kiss.]

I know a lot of you are probably still skeptical about the similar things I said about Dave and I'll be honest, I THOUGHT I was in love with him for a good chunk of our marriage. But THINKING you're in love with someone is a lot like THINKING you've had an orgasm. When you finally FEEL one, you know better and you have a good laugh at the expense of your formerly ignorant self.

This is me laughing. Because honestly: I had NO IDEA.

[This photo was taken last night at Willamette Week's Best of Portland party, during which we celebrated being named one of Portland's Best Reads for our Year of Sundays blog.]

[See also: He makes me smile WITH TEETH, people. If that's not a contrast, I don't know what the hell is.]

Comments

[Sara]

I think one of the first times I began to wonder just how similar my marriage is to yours, is the day you wrote about Joel changing your flat tire. I had had a flat tire earlier that week, and gotten the kind of treatment you'd expected, so to read how Joel handled that situation tells me the difference right there. Joel obviously treats you differently, and I'm glad!

[Eden M. Kennedy]

Two thumbs up. Like. Plus one. Favorited.

[Rachel R.]

It's so wonderful reading this and seeing (firsthand) how happy the two of you are. But, as a married woman, I want to interject. I used to hate the idea of marriage. To me, it felt like being a kept woman. Not my idea of the independent life that I wanted. I wish that I could say that this opinion changed once I met Ben (By the way, Sara and Amanda, there is no reason that a man should act out about a tire. That concept is alien to me. Ben has always acted the way Joel does.), but it didn't for a long time. After taking the jump (10 years ago next week!), it was still a long road toward acceptance that being a wife was not code for being a slave.

Marriage is a choice. I still choose to lay down and wake up next to Ben every day. I choose to spend every day with him, and I never realized how much I would love each moment of it. Of course, you can always make your own choices. But I wanted to defend marriage from the point of view of someone who always saw it as a terrible trap. It can be beautiful, you just have to have the right ingredients.

[Lori]

I love my husband to pieces, and I love being married to him, but I also understand what you mean about THINKING you're in love and actually BEING in love. I thought I was in love with my ex-fiance--a perfectly nice man with whom I had almost nothing in common--for well over ten years. Then, when I'd resigned myself to being alone forever, I met my husband. It was like night and day. My first marriage (at 19) was a lot like you've more recently described your marriage to Dave. I bow to you, lady, because I would never have survived fifteen years in that relationship. I'm so happy for you and Joel, and wish you decades of unwedded bliss. :)

[Melissa C]

Now go call your mother!

[taylor]

I am so happy that you are happy now, but i just want to agree with the previous commenter (Rachel, i think) that marriage IS a choice. That's all I wanted to say. Keep on Keepin' on. :)

[laura]

okay this might be a little of center with the post, but Melissa has it right. Go call your Mom, even if it is a relationship in progress, time can slip away in a instant. I lived it

[Elaine Tencati Sweet (from Campbell)]

I know just what you mean Amanda because I've finally found the same qualities in my man. A post-it note on my computer reads, "The me I see reflected in your eyes."

He ALWAYS thinks the best of me and is constantly on my side, even when I;m being hard on myself.

[Canadian Rachel]

If it's any consolation to your mom, I don't think it's possible to go back to that kind of abuse, not once you've really recognized it for what it is. My first boyfriend was an abusive bastard. I broke up with him before marrying him (thank whatever gods there may be). When I had a new boyfriend six months later, my mom was worried. She thought I was moving too fast, like I had with the first. But that first experience gave me a laundry list of red flags as long as my arm, and I felt really, really qualified to pick out a good one this time. And I did.

However, just a caveat to all concerned: my mom HATED the man I married -- not the abusive bastard, but the good one. That was really hard, because she'd hated the abusive bastard too, and it made me second guess myself a few times, thinking, "Gee, I was blind before and she was right! What if she's right now and I just can't see it?" However, I chose to trust MY judgment, because I had earned it through hard experience that she'd never had. It wasn't until her own marriage fell apart that my mother was really able to understand where I was coming from -- and see firsthand how kind my husband can be! -- and she really appreciates him now.

This is not to say your mom will or should get divorced! Simply that it CAN happen, that moms don't always like even the Right Ones we choose, right away. But you listen to YOU, Manda, because you've walked through fire and you KNOW. Mom will come around.

And Mom: she's gonna be okay. It takes a strong, strong woman to leave abuse, and she isn't going to let anybody treat her that way again.

[Julie Marsh]

I've never doubted you and Joel. Like I said, the you I've seen since you and Dave split up is so real and true that OF COURSE this love is too.

[Sara]

I love you guys! Seeing the happiness that Joel has brought you gives me hope that someday I might find that for myself! Mwah!

[Rachael]

Awesome. Love is awesome. So glad you're in this place now, with someone who gets you & loves you the same way you love him.

[Tami]

Its great to see you happy, Amanda! Love the toothy smiles!!