I'm on the tail end of the most painful week I've ever experienced as a human being. If you're a mother, you can relate - just imagine your worst thirty minutes of childbirth and stretch it out so it lasts seven days. Unfortunately, I can't really get more specific than that, but let me just say this:
I'm scared.
As in, I just wrote out a Will and mailed it to my parents scared.
As some of you already know, I was betrayed last week. That was only the tip of the iceburg and I'm just beginning to learn exactly how deep that betrayal runs. The good news is I don't think anyone plans to murder me in my sleep while I have my children at home, so starting at 9AM tomorrow, I'll be safe for about a week. I wish I could write all about it because that would be even better than the multiple therapy appointments I have scheduled, but know this: I promise that after all the dust settles, you'll get the full story. It won't be pretty, but it'll be yours.
In the meantime, please PRAY FOR ME. If you know me in real life, this is your chance to call. Send me your happiest thoughts. I need uplifting movie recommendations. Inspirational reading ideas. Good poetry. Funny stories. Cute pictures of your kids. Shit, send me silly youtube videos if you think they'll cheer me up.
ANYTHING.
There are about five of you who hate me and thousands who remain silent every day. This is your chance to come out of the closet and SPEAK UP.
I need you.
You've been in my thoughts often lately. I didn't know, though, that things were quite this bad. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you--it's rare I'm not in Vancouver. xoxoxo
Posted by: Lori | June 19, 2011 at 08:39 PM
Good luck. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help out.
Posted by: Attyatlarge | June 19, 2011 at 08:40 PM
Happy thoughts are yours Manda. May you get through this too. No one deserves to be that scared...I don't know you in real life - but know if I did, I'd be with you whenever you needed someone.
Posted by: Melissa | June 19, 2011 at 08:41 PM
What on EARTH. I don't even know what to say, except I'm so sorry to hear things are shitty and I sure hope everything gets better very soon. XOXO.
Posted by: Sundry | June 19, 2011 at 08:41 PM
One of the silent ones here, wishing you peace.
Posted by: Jessica | June 19, 2011 at 08:56 PM
Crap. You have my prayers, too.
Posted by: David | June 19, 2011 at 08:59 PM
What the hell? Now I'm scared! I hope things are ok or getting better. Whatever it is that's going on...
Posted by: doahleigh | June 19, 2011 at 09:01 PM
I am so sorry, no one should have to be that scared! I don't know what to say or do really, but I am thinking of you and I'm not far if you need anything! I wish I knew how to help.
Posted by: jamie | June 19, 2011 at 09:02 PM
I'm so sorry to hear that you're scared. Hold tight to your loved ones. It will all be okay -- you have a lot of people cheering you on and standing behind you. Take care!
Posted by: Jenn | June 19, 2011 at 09:03 PM
Thoughts and Prayers are with you
Posted by: MelanieL | June 19, 2011 at 09:06 PM
I don't know what's going with you, BUT I will be thinking and praying for you and your family.
Posted by: Siera | June 19, 2011 at 09:08 PM
I'll be thinking of you, and hope you have lots of people who love you around you right now. All I can think of to type is the terribly geeky litany against fear from Frank Herbert's SF novel Dune...
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
I hope your mind and your self and your family are safe and protected.
Posted by: Sally | June 19, 2011 at 09:08 PM
Letting you know I'm thinking of you and hope that things get better soon.
Posted by: Michelle | June 19, 2011 at 09:09 PM
Mostly silent, long time reader here, wishing you happiness and peace. Whatever it is, I can't wait to hear the story.
Posted by: Kristen | June 19, 2011 at 09:12 PM
Speaking up, Amanda. I am here if you need me and I have been here reading, and sending good vibes through my phone (where I usually read from). Whatever you may need, let me know.
You've had an emotional and hard year, but you don't deserve to be scared, ever. No one does.
Thinking of you.
Posted by: Jennie | June 19, 2011 at 09:15 PM
I'm a silent one. I stumbled across your blog long ago while googling for a pizza crust recipe. I'm sorry for whatever you are going through. I get a kick out of your religion project but please know, with all sincerity, that I will be praying for the safety of you and your children.
Posted by: April | June 19, 2011 at 09:17 PM
oh Amanda-I want to come over and give you a hug and then go smack the crap out of a few people.
I can't believe I'm going to tell you my go-to movie-it's kind of embarrassing but it's a fave-Girls Just Want to Have Fun. And I'll have all sorts of cute photos, stories and video of the princess coming up this week.
And if you need a place to stay until the dust settles-I have guest room.
Posted by: jules | June 19, 2011 at 09:22 PM
It sounds bad and I'm worried for you, sending good vibes your way
Posted by: Tiffany | June 19, 2011 at 09:28 PM
Uh, yeah. So you know how we met. Remember that.
Posted by: Velvetackbar | June 19, 2011 at 09:36 PM
I can't promise to pray for you but I do have a video that you can't help but enjoy:
Firework (with me)
Posted by: Johnpaul Morton | June 19, 2011 at 09:45 PM
Is there a non-lame way to offer a virtual hug? If so, here it is.
I don't know you in real life but I've been a reader for a long time though this is probably only the third time I've commented. I live in PDX too so I'd offer up a kidlet playdate or a drinkydate but I'm guessing now isn't a good time for new strangers.
xoxo and hope everything calms down.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qH8kYwq0LI0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktW43nEqcDg&feature=socblog_th
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4JbPLItex4&feature=BFa&list=FLsVBQHBbwGoU&index=3
And I suggest baking something full of calories and eating it in one sitting.
Posted by: Lisa | June 19, 2011 at 09:52 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dwimc4cvUmQ
Posted by: Sara | June 19, 2011 at 10:02 PM
Helloooo! Speaking up, here. I've not been reading long so I'm totally in the dark here on what's going on. From what I've read so far you seem like a lovely, unique, intelligent sort of gal. I hate that you are feeling afraid. So I'm sending happy vibes and wishes for peace and safety to you from California.
Posted by: Michelle M. | June 19, 2011 at 10:12 PM
Oh honey, stay safe. If you need me and VA, place to hide, shot of booze, yell.
Posted by: MeiLin Miranda | June 19, 2011 at 10:21 PM
Also this video never fails to make me smile and it also puts things in perspective:
http://youtu.be/UJKythlXAIY
xo
Posted by: MeiLin Miranda | June 19, 2011 at 10:26 PM