Just Jump: Part Two

(Part One is here.)

What plane did I want to jump out of next?

DUH.

My day job has been killing me softly, what with the two hour commute, the lack of time with my kids, my complete inability to keep from staring off into space instead of looking at my computer screen.

I've been MISERABLE at work.

"I'm not an office manager," I told David. "I'm a writer. Which means I should probably get off my ass and maybe, you know, WRITE."

"So when do you see yourself making that happen? Tomorrow? Next month? Or when your kids' kids will be there to see it?" David asked. "In all seriousness, you have to be ready. Sometimes it's just a seasonal thing."

That actually struck a chord with me because every time I leave the house I pass the pool in our complex, where we spent every possible waking moment last summer. I've had a hard time imagining myself driving by that pool all summer knowing I'll barely ever get to take my kids swimming because I'll be stuck at my DAY JOB. I haven't been able to wrap my head around that and I explained as much to David. That I'd be ready to jump ship when my kids were out of school.

"So," he said. "You've just MADE the decision. Don't worry about it until summer. Just sit with it until then."

Decision made, I hung up with David and walked back into the restaurant glowing like I'd just swallowed a radioactive spider.

"He totally nailed me in 45 minutes!" I told Joel in that hyperactive, Speedy Gonzales voice I get when I'm excited.

"Damn," he said. "It usually takes me at least an hour."*

[Rim shot!]

I spent the rest of the weekend in the shiny, happy glow of resolution.

Mostly.

Kinda.

Sorta.

Because I was still going to have to sit at my desk for another five months KNOWING full well I was planning to quit, and faking every minute of it. I knew this was going to be a problem. Amanda Del Buono was an EXPERT actress. She could fake her way through anything. But Amanda P. Westmont? Not anymore.

So on Monday, still swimming deep in denial, I wasted most of the morning at work goofing off. Joel and I are working on a super! rad! writing project together and we were in the middle of a heated creative disagreement when my boss called me into her office to let me know that she'd caught me closing out my computer screens every time she walked by my desk. I blushed**, admitted I'd been "checking my e-mail" and tried to fake my way through it.

I hated myself for it.

By the time noon rolled around and I could leave for my daily moment of zen down by the river, I felt resolved to give my notice within the week. Forget about me and my stupid dreams, I was letting someone else down. Someone I respect a whole lot.

I finished my work day and bolstered my courage to talk to my boss the next morning. I wish I could share with you the series of text messages and phone calls between me and the baldman during that 24 hours, but they are far too close to my heart.

If you watched that Brene Brown video, you'll understand why I did what I did next. I did it all on purpose. Brene did a lot of research on vulnerability, connection and what she describes as being "wholehearted." She found that wholehearted people have four things in common:

1. The COURAGE to be imperfect.

2. The COMPASSION to be kind to themselves first and then to others. (Because it turns out we can't practice compassion for anyone else if we can't treat ourselves kindly.)

3. They have a CONNECTION to others as a result of authenticity. Truly connected people "were willing to let go of who they thought they should be, in order to be who they were."

4. They fully embraced VULNERABILITY.

Another excellent point of hers kept repeating itself over and over again in my psyche: "We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on other people, but what they really need is for you to be authentic and real and say, 'We're sorry. We'll fix it.'"

So Tuesday morning, I got to work, made coffee, fumbled around and waited for the right opportunity to tell my boss my truth. When I opened up my to do list and found a note in there asking me ever so politely to please turn off the instant-messaging function of my gmail account, my moment had come.

I walked into her office, sat down, looked her in the face and said:

"Let's face it: I SUCK at this job. I mean, I'm really REALLY bad at it. I'm a writer, not an office manager and I'm never going to be good at it because my heart isn't in it. You need to replace me."

She looked at me like I was speaking Greek, so I went on. Naturally.

"You caught me completely screwing around yesterday. That was total bullshit and you deserve better. I'm really sorry."

We talked for another ten or twenty minutes and the amazing thing is that even after I took complete responsibility for fucking up on the job and slacking, my boss insisted I stay on for 10 hours a week to do her marketing for her. "But you're so good at that stuff!"

Even now it makes me laugh in amazement.

I went in there with no motive other than to tell the truth. To admit how spectacularly I had FAILED. To finally jump out of that plane and become a writer intead of just talking about it.

I had $42 in the bank when I quit my job.***

I wish I was the type of girl who could stop herself from bragging about how awesome that morning felt, but we all know I'm not. I have never been more proud of myself. I can still feel this decision in my cells, terrifying and wonderful, like all good things, but so intense it's almost like it altered my DNA or something. It feels THAT right.

Authenticity, eh? Who knew?

*He didn't actually say that - he saved it for an e-mail he sent to David Bedrick the next day - but man, I wish he had!

** When I blushed, she said, "Your face is RED!" Yeah, that helped.

*** I got paid the next day, but it's still fun to say that.

Stay tuned for Part Three, in which I explain how I plan to swing this thing financially!

Comments

[Michelle]

Just FYI: when I realized my life sucked, I hated almost everything in it, and I needed to make huge changes (and no one would do it for me) I ended up in Nuthouse Light and it still took years to fix what I knew was broken.

Good for you! : D

I am proud

[laura]

I am so happy for you, I just read this and teared up! stay strong

[Melissa]

I don't usually comment, but I wanted to say that when you first announced your separation and started enthusiastically documenting your new! single! life!, I agreed with some of your disapproving commenters. I thought you had lost your mind, to be honest, and even wondered if you were bipolar. But as I've been reading lately, I've really come to respect you and the leaps you've been taking. Most people are too afraid to do what you've been doing, and it threatens them that you're not afraid. Or, even worse, that you're afraid, but that you take these leaps anyway. I never thought I'd say this, but I really admire you! I'll be reading with interest.

[Liana]

You are an inspiration to me as well! I'm going through an unexpected divorce, dealing with the unknown of what's gonna happen - bankruptcy, foreclosure, I too feel stuck in a job that sucks the life out of me. Now, I'm not gonna go quit anytime soon, but I am gonna live vicariously through you! You go on with your bad self!

[Amanda Heath]

I love this blog.
I love this blog.
I love this blog.

I've never been so fond of a blog to even bother commenting, but you are amazing.

I feel like all the people who waste their time being negative about your decision to embrace your life, while you're living it, should stop being the life suckers they are, or at least take it some where else. I'm sure they do.

[doahleigh]

Congratulations! This sounds like such a good decision for you.

I have to add that my face turns red all the time for myriad reasons, and the absolute WORST thing to do when my face is red is say, "Your face is so red." I'd have to that is probably at the top of my list of things I hate.

[Iced Borscht]

The vulnerability thing is interesting. A lot of us, me included, are fearful of looking weak or flawed.

I think you hit on an insightful concept with that -- if you go into certain fearful situations exposed, it can have the counterintuitive effect of working to your advantage. Probably because -- in most instances -- it catches the counterparty off-guard...surprised.

That's usually when you can steal the upper hand in awkward social dynamics -- when someone is jolted out of the predictable and safe by a totally unexpected approach.

It might be "manipulative" in spirit, but I'm not sure that's a bad thing necessarily. "Soft" manipulation in a confrontation or dispute may be a very positive thing if both sides end up happy with the final results. But I'm not really sure yet. What do you think?

I've been contemplating these sort of things a lot lately. I recently posed the question "How do you deal with fear" to some of my blogging compatriots, and the answers have been really interesting.

Frank Wilson, a longtime literary journalist for the Philadelphia Inquirer and philosopher par excellence, gave me his answer here:

http://whenfallsthecoliseum.com/2011/02/08/look-fear-directly-in-the-eye/

I'd be interested in seeing what Amanda and Joel and some others here might have to say in that regard.

Best,
MC

[Amanda P. Westmont]

Melissa,

I am afraid, terrified even. But I jump anyway because there is beauty in the fall.

Iced B, my compadre,

The part you're missing is that there is STRENGTH in our flaws. If you want to be truly accepted (loved/respected, etc.), you have to be SEEN. Flaws and all. Because absolutely no one on earth is perfect or even remotely infallible and that's a truth to be celebrated, not hidden. Going into any situation with a goal of manipulating the social dynamic is the polar opposite of what I'm talking about here. My only goal (now, these days) is to be REAL, to be the me I really am instead of the me I should be or think others want to see.

As for fear? BRING IT ON.

[Iced Borscht]

Amanda, to quote "Moon River" -- 'We're after the same rainbow's end, my huckleberry friend.' Or to pen a new Iced Borscht phrase, 'We hasten toward the same Love Bakery, our buttocks trembling with poetic largesse.'

I do get the idea of Strength in Flaws. I like it. I've embraced that concept before, and I probably need a reminder to continue to embrace it again. Having said that, I am ready to Love and Be Loved. (Any takers? No?)

I understand too that you're working on being real. A possible manipulative component to vulnerability is something I'm intrigued by. I mean, it's more or less an overriding theme of Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People," which is one of my favorite evil, snake-oil/flim-flam motivational books of all-time. It gets healthy competition on my recommended reading list from Ray Kroc's "Grinding It Out, the Making of McDonald's," which is compelling enough to turn anyone into a Griddle Man.

[Amy]

“Life is truly known only to those who suffer, lose, endure adversity and stumble from defeat to defeat.”

[ariel]

You're inspiring! There's no other comment I have! Oh, and the haters seem to have moved on, they can't argue with this awesomeness =)

[me.yahoo.com/a/u.9VVOJvnpmCj97Z2iXXupqws3ITSNs-]

I can confirm that the "haters" (i.e., those who don't jump on board with Amanda's increasingly puzzling life choices)have been blocked from commenting. While I realize that it's nicer to be patted on the back all the time, one would think that one of the positives in having a blog would be getting a variety of feedback. Such as curiosity about how Amanda can quit a job in this horrid job market when her husband is out of work himself and she has two kids to send to college. Where everyone is getting their health insurance is another issue. Tis all a puzzlement, and if there is a magic way to do this, short of an expected inheritance, I'd love to know how!

[Julie]

me.yahoo.com/a/u.9VVOJvnpmCj97Z2iXXupqws3ITSNs, Blogs aren't an open forum. Amanda can delete or block any comments she wants. Her blog, her rules.

[Lori]

I LOVE this! I keep coming back and reading it all over again. Thanks for sharing.

[Teri]

I am just amazed at the lengths that "me.yahoo.com/a/u.9VVOJvnpmCj97Z2iXXupqws3ITSNs" is going through to hide their identity. Makes it pretty easy to assume that this person is one of the many new haters that is having their comments deleted. Too funny!

Go Amanda Go!

[Valerie Willman]

Amanda,

I'd love to know what your new writing schedule will be.

I've been a stay-at-home mom for years and have been working seriously on my memoir for two years and it's finally coming to a close. However, my husband and I have decided that I need to be bringing in some additional money for the family and that means looking for a job. (OR.....actually making money from this writing passion of mine.)

So.

How do I do that?

:)

[Dana Calhoun]

Amanda, This is the first time reading your blog and it's fabulous! Really, REALLY good! Girl you are as stong as I remember!