In which I fall stupidly in love and we make sweet, beautiful Internet blog babies together

Earlier this year I set out on my epic quest for wordlessness and spirituality. I started with my daily moment in a van down by the river and then, based on suggestions from the comment gallery, I started going to church. 

Joel, who is always up for an adventure (especially when it involves him being within eye-shot of my church-dress cleavage), insisted on tagging along. We started at the Unitarian Church, followed that with a visit to the First Christians, and by the time we hit the First African Methodist Episcopal Zion Church of North Portland, we were HOOKED. We couldn't stop ourselves from writing about it if we tried.

So a blog was born:

One atheist ex-Jehovah's Witness. One lifelong apathetic agnostic.

One Year of Sundays

Every week for a year, we're going to hit a different church. Then we're going to write about it.

If only it were that simple.

Joel wants to warn you all in advance:

Since we're both the kind of impious delinquents who get our thrills pissing people off, this blog won't be for the religiously faint of heart. If you're a believer, you might want to slip on a pair of steel toed boots before visiting our page. As a former longtime member of the Jehovah's Witnesses, I admit that I may have issues with religion in general. So accept my apologies in advance for any snark, sarcasm, cynicism or otherwise bitter remarks. Hey, if you were forbidden to masturbate for 30 years, you'd get a little edgy too.

But that's not to say we don't have serious intent.

We write our reviews with one criterion in mind. Regarding humankind's amazing variety of music, Duke Ellington famously said, “if it sounds good, it is good.” That's the benchmark we will use to evaluate every religious services we attend. You're invited to agree, to disagree, or, if you really don't like what we write, to start your own blog. What we do promise is to be as honest as we can about our experiences.

This is more than a religion blog. It's more than the sum of 50 church reviews. It's more than a blog about my spirtual journey. Or Joel's. It's a blog about us. And how every Sunday we force ourselves out of our comfort zones - because neither of us is even remotely comfortable in a church pew -  together. Basically, we're bringing you along on our weekly scheduled dates with God. Sure, it's a journalist endeavor, but what you're really getting is a love story.

Oh? Did I mention that part? That I am insanely, stupidly in love with a certain bald man? Why do you think I wanted to launch our love child on Valentine's Day?

Most of you knew I was in love with him before I did, but you'll have to click through and go read the rest of this post about the AMEZ Church to see how I let HIM know it:

My favorite part came at the end, when a procession of tall, proud, perfectly-groomed black men and women rose from the pews to pay their tithes. The clang of their pocket change hitting that brass collection bowl resonated with something deep and glorious inside of me.

Not God. Or religion. Or faith. Or even spirituality, but something far more enviable: LOVE.

I wanted to heed that preachers' words:

FEAR NOT.

See, I had something burning a hole in my pocket too. Three little words I'd been itching to spend for weeks.

I was terrified to utter them because the last time I told a man I loved him, he said it back to me, came, and then... went. I never saw him again.

But FEAR NOT, the Presiding Prelate had reassured me, he is with you.

Emboldened by the sermon, I spent that Sunday aching to finally get the weight of those words off my tongue.

(Read the rest of the story here...)

We have big plans for this blog. So far we've seen a Catholic Church, a Buddhist Temple and we have plans to go Mormon, Jewish, Muslim, Jehovah's Witness and even check out an AA meeting or two. If you have a church in mind that you'd like us to review, please go visit and leave us a comment. Just be prepared to have it reviewed in all its glory. We promise only to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help us... God?

Comments

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

Well, you knew I'd be fascinated! I'll pass this over to Kyle too.

And of course, I'm thrilled for you and Joel. Mazel Tov!

[Julie]

The new blog looks awesome. I'll be looking forward to following along!

[d.g.]

So happy for both of you! And this "touring" of different churches and religions can ONLY be beneficial. I foresee you both learning a lot about not only yourselves, but life in general. I'm not religious myself, but I am spiritual, and I believe that learning to see the world through the eyes of others is an amazing way to expand and improve your own life.

[Meredith]

Man, if you thought people could be snarky in their comments about your hair, just wait!!! I, however, am excited to hear all about your journeys - spiritual and otherwise.

[Em]

I don't see how making fun of God, people's religion and faith has anything to do with God or a love story. It's just childish and mean. Badmouthing other innocent people in public is pretty wrong.

[Stacey]

I'm just going to copy and paste this comment since you deleted it before. It says it best:

I normally think the stuff you do is kind of humorous and cooky. Not this new venture though. I think it's actually just kind of mean. People's religion is a very personal thing. So, to poke fun or pretend to be the Siskel and Ebert of the church world is just not right.

It's also VERY disingenuous. You have said many, many times that you don't believe in God and that you have absolutely zero interest in knowing anything about God. So, I am not sure what you think is being taught at church? Church is about worshiping God, so for someone who has no interest in God to be going every Sunday for the purpose of blogging about it shows what's in your heart.

I liken what you are doing to this: It's like showing up at a stranger's house, UNINVITED. But, they open the door to you, welcome you in, let you be a part of their family life for the evening. You act nicey, nice like you are genuinely interested in them and looking to be a part of their family and knowing more about them and their beliefs. But, then you actually have this ulterior motive because you and your boyfriend have this blog that you're writing, so you are really there to review and judge them. If your uninvited dinner and time with them isn't to your liking, then they better look out because you are going to publicly slam them and say that they've never had an orgasm. Or if, they don't agree with your politics, you are going to let them have it. Or, if it's an African-American family, you're going to say nice things about them but throw in every racial stereotype you can before you do.

It isn't funny. It's cruel. Plain and simple.

[Iced Borscht]

You should pay Rex a visit:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/kennethbarton/sets/72157604994806029/

I've never been to his church here in Portland but I believe my friend Ruth has. She has written about him at the Web site of yours truly:

http://icedborscht.com/blog/2009/12/26/this-is-what-i-want/

[Rosetta]

What will you do if you find a place you want to go back to? This is a neat idea, but I hope you're able to connect deeply if/ when the moment arises, instead of feeling that your project is more important than finding a place that enriches you, that supports your ability to get to a place of peace.

[lcg]

There's fine, fine line here...an amazing project to learn about many religious traditions and people from all sorts of backgrounds. I hope you can go with an open heart and spirit though...with a willingness to perhaps have holy experience, not just critique an assortment of churches. I remember reading something that you once wrote about politics; something about when the left criticizes the right (and the opposite) and how respectful disagreement is one thing, but that to be treated as "stupid" is fundamentally offensive. I know you're going for "edgy", but even a banner that says "going to church so you don't have to" feels flippant. A relationship with God IS something to be envied. And I certainly have empathy and understanding for people when previous religious experiences have been traumatic and damaging at worst and merely uninspiring at best. It is to be admired that you want to try again. But tuck a little humility into your Sunday hat when you set off for services.

I don't know if you've read anything by Anne Lamont--but she seems like your kind of author!

[doahleigh]

You look so lovely in that photo! I, for one, am intrigued by this experiment.

[Amanda P. Westmont]

Stacey,

 

My comment policy remains unchanged - I publish everything except spam and death threats. I only held off on approving your comment(s) (all half dozen of them, under your various and sundry pseudonyms) because we were still finalizing the new site and hell, I wanted to be the one to announce it myself.

 

Rosetta,

 

The whole POINT is to find some place we want to go back to, so I am 100% open to that. We both loved the AMEZ Church and we definitely want to take the kids back for that experience. I have a lot of

 

lcg,

 

I get where you're coming from, but let me be clear: I ENVY the faithful. That's what this is all about - I don't GET it and I'm at a place where I feel a deep need to understand it, even if I always remain an outsider. I would never EVER liken spirituality to stupidity. Now, don't get me wrong, this blog is gonna be snarky because we're humor writers, but still. We are very respectful of the houses we enter. When asked, we are always 100% up front about why we're there and now that it's up and running, we'll even give the churches our blog url.

 

 

[Stacey]

Amanda, I only used my name Stacey when posting on here, so I am not sure what you are referring to when you say I am using pseudonyms.

You say that "when asked, we are always 100% up front about why we are there" and that you will provide your blog. Let's face it, what church is going to go up to a visitor and STRAIGHT UP ASK if you are there to blog about them? You know why no one would ask that? Because no church would ever think anyone would be low enough to do such a thing.

Maybe what you should do instead is send your new blog to your intended congregations before you visit? That way, they can see what you are really all about and then decide if they would like to have you attend and be featured on your website. They have no choice in this and are, therefore, innocent victims.

You say that "we are very respectful of the houses we enter,". Obviously you were in a house of worship when you took the photo of your website banner. I don't see the respect you are referring to when you are sitting in the pews of that church smoking a cigarette and drinking from a flask.

I wonder if the church at the Grotto would feel respected by the fact that you are disparaging Mary and Jesus down to sex and Mary getting ripped off because she had to have a baby without getting laid first. This is not respectful of something that is very sacred to this group of people. Or, that all their stuff in their service does is make you want to do is say "m'fer" there while performing oral sex.

Maybe you think you are showing them respect by not ACTUALLY performing the various sex acts you are thinking about while you are there? You don't act on your "girly boner" while you are physically in their building, so that's how you are being respectful? Is that the new definition of respect? If so, excuse me, I didn't know...

Or, maybe you think you are being respectful by just writing about them behind these churches backs after you leave. Respect for these people is more than just while you are physically sitting in their service. It is before, during and after. The entire context of your site is as transparent as can be. So, to say otherwise is just not true.

Additionally, to say that you are "snarky humor writers" is one thing. But I don't think of racial slurs and stereotyping as "snarky". It's wrong and there's no getting around that. I don't know anyone that chalks racial slurs and stereotyping up to being "snarky."

[Brandy]

Stacey,

While I totally agree with everything you are saying and think you are 100% right, I'm afraid you are wasting your time trying to logically show Amanda what most people think is respectful and right.

Amanda is the queen of rationalization and denial when it comes to her behavior. People with that level of narcissism literally CANNOT be logically reasoned with. They actually can't and won't see that there is anything wrong with anything they do. It's everyone else's problem, not theirs.

Amanda just wants to stir up controversy and drama. She loves the "shock factor" because she relishes in any attention she can get. This is very easy to see. She's like a little child that gets ignored by their parents, so they act out for attention. Because any attention, even negative attention is better than no attention.

So, negative comments just fuel her childish, attention-whore mongering needs. You are wasting your breath, unfortunately. The sad part is that sweet, little Alex and Genoa are the real innocent victims here.

[Canadian Rachel]

Make sure you find a pagan circle to sit in on -- they might not meet on Sunday morning, though.

Another good one to try that might not occur to you: Quakers. If I lived in some kind of dystopia where I was forced to become some flavour of Christian, I'd go for Quakers. Now, they are notorious pacifists, which may not appeal to you, but it's the SERVICE I really like: they spend an hour or so in absolute silence. No minister, or rather they believe ALL of us worthy and capable of ministry. If anyone present feels moved to speak to the group, they speak -- and they make it clear that they speak for themselves. They're not the Authoritah; what they say may or may not apply to you.

[Amanda P. Westmont]

Oh, Rachel, we're doing them ALL. Pagan, Wiccan, Satanic, AA meetings. I'm glad you reminded me about the Quakers because that sounds LOVELY. Definitely on the list.

[valerie]

Oh goody!! More snark please...

I have a relationship with God. It's a profoundly moving and precious gift that lives inside my heart. God asks us not to judge....so I don't judge Amanda or Joel (who will no undoubtedly soon be subject to all the criticism heaped on Amanda.)

Everyone is entitled to their opinion. If what Amanda/Joel write offends you, then don't read the blog...

For those of you that are concerned about her kids...Don't be. Those kids are loved and cared for deeply and completely.

If God doesn't like what they are writing, well, I imagine He will take that up with them on Judgment Day...until then...

Mind. Your. Own. Business.

[jenny]

I have only commented a handfull of times, but as I was reading this in my reader I knew I HAD to click over and comment. I just wanted to tell you that you rock. :) I am not a mommy blogger, I'm actually a patient blogger, (type 1 diabetes) and I feel quite odd commenting outside my "comfort zone". I just wanted to let you know what an inspiration you have been to me. I hope that one day I can be as confident as you are! Don't listen to all the haters :)

PS i LOVE your hair color and cut! SOO cute

[Amanda P. Westmont]

Stacey,

 

I don't want to call a good Christian woman like yourself a liar, so I'm just going to go with the assumption that you and Emily W., EW, ew, Emily, and Em all just happen to live in the same house with the same IP address. How fun it must be to have so many personalities! Fortunately for me, the one personality I have is PLENTY, but rock on with your bad self(selves)!

 

And to clarify - we attend every service as visitors. We participate as much as we are able, but we stand out as observers. After every service so far with the exception of the Grotto, we've been stopped by friendly parishioners asking about us. We stand out, the baldman and me and our ragtag mix of children.  People want to know what brought us to their church.

 

So we TELL them. "We're doing a church tour," we say. "And we're writing about it." Now that we have a place to send them to see our articles, we absolutely will. In fact, we might even have some cards printed.

 

You seem to be ascribing quite the alterior motive to our blog. We're really just looking for a church with a beat we can dance to. It's like dating - I had to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince. That path was HILARIOUS and full of blog-fodder. So is this one.

 

And honestly, if God is so insecure that he can't handle a couple of heathens like us writing about him on the INTERNET, s/he'll never be my God anyway. We're really only writing about ourselves and our position is clear: WE DON'T GET IT. God forbid we spend a year actually TRYING TO.

 

[Jennifer]

Valerie- considering that you only met Amanda a few months ago and that was via her vagina, I do not think you are able to comment on how "loved and cared" for her children are. You are, however, the expert on the state of her pubic region. And oh, BTW- weren't you the one that wanted to hold her hand while you both burned in hell? Funny, I would think that if you had a relationship w/God, you needn't worry about that??

And I agree with Brandy- there is zero point trying to get Amanda to see where she might be offensive. People she is TRYING to be offensive. Best just to stop paying attention-kind of like when a little kid throws a tantrum.

[Adrienne]

The blond is really starting to settle in and I love it. You and Joel look so much like your mom and dad (in a totally not creepy way of course!). Love the idea of your experiment and can't wait to read all about it!

[Joan]

I am just amazed at the negative comments. But I guess relgion and politics make people nuts. Apparently we should not have an opinion on either in the way we try to find what is right for us. Isn't a discussion helpful? Bashing sure as hell is not. Those who do that only show they can't see the forest beyond the trees.

My friend did the same thing you did a few years ago after getting down about the church she was attending. Not on a blog, she just did it on her own. I think she visited at least 15 churches in our city. After that she made her own choice.

Looking forward to your experience because I am a spirital person but don't attend church because there is too much standing up and sitting down rituals ... and by the time the minister gets to his "message" I am tuned right out. I would have loved to attend the church you went to with all the singing, clapping and praising. You leave with joy in your heart ... and then go for lunch with your friends and have pancakes.

[Laura aka LaLaGirl]

I was just reading over there and this Google ad cracked me up!

Looking for Naked Ladies?
Try church instead. Seriously We offer God's REAL love

[Lisa]

I normally follow you in a reader - CLEARLY I've been missing most of the fun! Wow.

[Sarah Chumbley]

Amanda,

I think this is brilliant. I have continued to read you with loyalty, and I continue to get angry at the people that are not so kind to you. Your new found happiness gives me hope, and your new blog is EXCITING! I have started seeing someone that is on the opposite end of the spectrum from me as far as religion goes, and I have found it very interesting to RESEARCH all of it. You are doing just that...except in a live kind of way. What is so great is that you are doing the hard work for many people wondering the same thing...what else IS out there? And it is a great thing for your kids. I still thank my mom for exposing me to so much as a kid...kids need to see and understand all walks of life! I loved that by the time I was 8 I had been to a drag party with my gay uncle and knew that not everyone was white and rich! Blessings on your journey and I can't wait to read more!! Sarah aka Missy

[Melissa]

You certainly are good at getting people riled up aren't you?

(and if you want to take that as a double entendre...go right ahead.)

I for one, will be interested in your perspective, naughty bits and all, because the lens through which you see the world is fascinating. (And, incidentally, somehow both completely in line with and completely opposed to my own world-view, which is what makes it so fascinating.)