A few words on wordlessness

The best thing I got for Christmas this year was a book of poetry by Billy Collins. It was actually the second book of poetry from my friend John, but the first time anyone ever sent me a kindle book. Did you know you could do that? Because I didn't and it was a perfect surprise to open something beautiful to read at midnight on Christmas Eve when both my house and my heart were too quiet for comfort.

Billy Collins writes the only poetry I've read that makes me want to be a poet myself. ME! She who hates poetry! (I literally did sit down and write some poetry too! Sure, it's erotic haiku, but STILL. Mama wrote some 5-7-5!)  Collins is that good though. I have tons of favorites, but this poem from The Trouble With Poetry: And Other Poems felt like it was written just for me.

In the Moment

It was a day in June, all lawn and sky,
the kind that gives you no choice
but to unbutton your shirt
and sit outside in a rough wooden chair

And if a glass of ice tea and a volume
of seventeenth-century poetry
with a dark blue cover are available,
then the picture can only be improved.

I remember a fly kept landing on my wrist,
and two black butterflies
with with and red wing-dots
bobbed around my head in the bright air.

I could feel the day offering itself to me,
and I wanted nothing more
than to be in the moment -- but which moment?
Not that one, or that one, or that one

or any of those that were scuttling by
seemed perfectly right for me.
Plus, I was knotted up with questions
about the past and his tall, evasive sister, the future

What churchyard held the bones of George Herbert?
Why did John Donne's wife die so young?
And more pressingly,
what could we serve the vegetarian twins
who were coming to dinner that evening?

Who knew that they would bring their own grapes?
And why was that pickup
flying down the road toward the lone railroad track?

And so the priceless moments of the day
were squandered one by one --
or more likely a thousand at a time --
with quandary and pointless interrogation.

All I wanted was to be a pea of being
inside the green pod of time,
but that was not going to happen today,
I had to admit to myself

as I closed the book on the face
of Thomas Traherne and returned to the house
where I lit a flame under a pot
full of floating brown eggs,

and, while they cooked in their bubbles,
I stared into a small oval mirror near the sink
to see if that crazy glass
had anything special to tell me today.

I have lots of New Year's resolutions for 2011 (save money regularly, travel, read to my kids, join a Roller-derby team, have (even) more sex, find an agent for my novel or publish it myself), but the most important one is also my cheesiest one:

Work on my spirituality.

I know! I hate that word too. It just screams patchouli oil and dusty church basements.

But still.

There are two things about me that lead me to believe this is a worthy cause:

1. I absolutely CAN NOT think about my breathing or I have an anxiety attack in which I can't breathe.

I mean, that's not normal, is it? I should have been able to practice lamaze breathing without wishing that xanax was pregnancy safe. I should be able to do yoga without having to stuff my face in a paper bag, right? And I'm talking about Wii yoga, here people.

But I can't breathe.

And I need to figure out why.

2. This one is even more embarrassing:

I cry at church.

Every. Single. Time.

And I'm an agnostic! Who doesn't believe in SQUAT! So why the tears, UNIVERSE?

INQUIRING MINDS WANNA KNOW.

There is this big CHUNK missing from me and this is the year I'm determined to figure it out.

The place I plan to start is here: in the moment.

I suck at moments.

I blame my stupid silly writer's brain for it, too, because I only think in WORDS. Literally. If I'm thinking about clouds, the letters: W-H-I-T-E and F-L-U-F-F-Y are literally scrolling across the screen of my brain. I can't think about cheese without seeing V-E-L-V-E-E-T-A. Basicallly,  I can only think with subtitles on.

So my goal for the year is simple (well it SOUNDS simple at least): Turn the subtitles off. Stop labeling. Exist without words.

Even if it's just for ten seconds.

Wish me luck.

And also - because I can't seem to nail down a definition for myself - what does "spirituality" mean to you? I'd love some ideas on where to start.

Comments

[Michelle]

Good for you, though very... Large.

Also: nailed it. I knew you'd love BC :D

[Elizabeth]

For me spirituality is knowing that there is more to life than just me, that there's no way I can understand it all, and that the wonder of life is in its details.

I'm a science nerd by temperament and a librarian by profession. I'm all about facts. But I can't help but be awed by how our bodies manage to coordinate all sorts of THINGS that keep us alive. Or how the sun manages to rise every single morning.

To me spirituality is the wonder of it all, knowing that I'll never understand everything, and understanding that there is so much more than I'll ever know. It's also having the faith that everything, good or bad, happens for a reason. It might not be a reason I like, or do me any good at the time, but I wouldn't be the strong confident woman I am today without the crap that happened to me in the past.

I've become so much more comfortable in my skin over the past couple years, and it came because I hit a number of terrible low points. I've learned to control my weird panic attacks and terrible stress and I have faith that you will too. It's a terrible experience, because it forces you to really look at yourself, but I'm a MUCH calmer person now.

[Devremülkler]

Nice post. I love it. Waiting your new posts. Thank you...

[Kris]

I used to cry at Church too -- buckets. It was embarrassing. Now my life is much more congruent with my heart. And it's better. Just the occassional leak from the eyes, no ugly cry. :)

[julie]

Read "The Case for Christ" written by an agnostic journalist who set out to prove the bible wrong and ended up in a different place. It is difficult to get through in the beginning but it will change your life and the way you think about spirituality. This may sound cheesy to you but I really believe there is a place in our heart no one can fill but Him. That may be what you are feeling. Best of luck on your journey and you are a great writer I love to read your blog. I admire you for following your passions and making the best out of your situation for tor kids. Happy mama means happy babies. Here's another cheesy line for you....God is good! And always there no matter what. Enjoy the journey.

[AmyH]

Give God a chance to fill that void. Give church a try. But don't give up if the first or second experience isn't a good fit. Some churches can be too preachy and some can be too stuffy. There are plenty of churches that welcome you as you are and love your flaws as much as your good parts. It's a lot like dating. You might not match up with the first one but don't give up on the idea all together because you'll eventually find what you are looking for.

Good luck.

[Canadian Rachel]

I have MUCH to say on this subject, but it's a bit personal so I think I'm going to e-mail you rather than leave it here for the trolls to squat on. I will just say this however: it is possible to be "spiritual" and an atheist at the same time. Belief is really important, even to those of us who don't believe in anything we'd call god.

I am on a crazed writing bender this week, so it may be a while before I get you e-mailed. But it's coming.

[Amber]

Spirituality is something I have been thinking about a lot lately, and something I struggle with thanks to murky Baptist murmurings when I was growing up. I wrote about it here awhile back:

http://www.celebratelovely.com/2010/12/religion.html

What I wrote specifically about spirituality then:

I think all people should feel connected to something greater than themselves so that they can cultivate gratefulness for their blessings.

I think this is true - and that "something greater than themselves" can mean just about anything depending on the individual.

But there you have it.

Best wishes to you as you sort it all out in 2011. It's gonna be great; I just know it.

[Amber]

First, spirituality and religion do not equal each other. They can, but are not required to, co-habitate.

With that in mind, take this better-than-most quiz to get some ideas on where you might want to look.

http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Quizzes/BeliefOMatic.aspx

[Rebecca]

I believe everyone should be born agnostic, but die with spiritual conviction. You are somewhere on that journey, and I commend you whole-heartedly for acknowledging there even is one.

[valerie]

I cry in Church too. Every. Single. Time.

I am religiously challenged too....spiritually I feel I am in a good place. I do believe in God, I do feel I have a relationship with Him. Put me in a box filled with bibles and women in bad dresses serving cheap cookies and even cheaper coffee and I cry. I can't have someone preaching to me. I feel claustrophobic in that huge space, sitting on a hard bench, wishing they would just get to the singing again.

My spirit is still a small girl, living inside my body. She struggles to find her voice. She cannot stop worrying about everything, desperately trying to figure out how to be beautiful and strong. She is comforted by God...her Father. Having existed for 36 yrs without one.

[LizP]

My Catholic husband (I'm Jewish) would tell you that crying in church means you are being touched by the Holy Spirit.

As I get older I am seeing that people who believe in some higher power (G~d for most of us) have something to lean on (faith for lack of a better word) and derive comfort from that. Sometimes the phrase, "Let go and let g~d" really does have a lot of power and provides a lot of relief.

I'll bet you can find a "hippie-unicorn" church in Portland :-)

[Laura Troll]

I can't help you. I'm quietly peaceful with my agnosticism.

[Amanda P. Westmont]

For the record - I'm a pretty diehard agnostic. I'd actually rather NOT know a damn thing about god.

 

This is all about honing in on the ability to just BE. Maybe that's my definition of spirituality.

[www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawmZd8yrA0O6wjypRpqgY5lfMaczlr8Y3iA]

A favorite yoga meditation that I still remember, 8+ years later, is to think of your rambling thoughts as fish swimming in an aquarium just in front of you. See a blue fish? Think, "Oh, a blue fish." and let it swim out of view. No need to further label it (that was a BIG blue fish) or judge it (why is that fish swimming over THERE?) Just briefly acknowledge it and let it go.

In time, you may get to the space where you don't even notice the "fish", much less feel the need to label/subtitle them.

[Sara]

Amen, Valerie. I'm about in the same boat with my spirituality and I couldn't have put it better!

Amanda, I hope you can get to that place of just being. I can't get there often (my busy brain won't let me) but when I do, it's great!

Mwah!

[Carrisa]

I might need to read that book Julie mentioned.

It's not ridiculous to think that the crying is tied to the experience of being in church.

I feel like there's a big gaping hole in my life as well. And when I think about it all I can hear is the song God Shaped Hole by Plumb.

"There's a God shaped hole in all of us
And the restless soul is searching
There's a God shaped hold in all of us
And it's a void only he can fill"

I haven't been a regular church goer in a long time because I don't feel like I get anything out of it. Or maybe that's a sign I haven't found the right church for me. I do feel that hole though and it has me crying at the most random of times. Sometimes I think it's God pulling really hard at my heart strings trying to get me to come back to Him. I'm not sure why I resist it so.

[Cherie Beyond]

I am completely with Canadian Rachel. I am 99% atheist (I like to hedge everything) and I believe. I believe in the people around me and I believe in the innate strength and beauty of humans, the world, and the universe.

In part this is because I don't believe, and will never believe, that everything happens for a reason. I refuse to believe that the horrors in this world are part of a game or plan. I also refuse to give up my absolute sovereignty over my own life. So, in a way, those refusals guide what spirituality is for me. Spirituality is what adds meaning in-between those constraints.

Hence paragraph one. I probably should have just stopped there.

[norm]

To quote the fictional character Shepherd Book from Serenity, "Why, when I talk about belief, why do you always assume I'm talking about God?"

[1hot&tiredmama]

Spirituality is just your heart longing for something more . . . and it's a journey, not a destination. You will not ever get to the end of the road. None of us will. Not that we won't come to a peaceful place because that is certainly possible.

Religion works for some folks (me included -- I am a Christian), but not for everyone. But make no mistake -- spirituality and religion are two very different things. Religion is man-made, an opportunity to commune with others who believe similarly (not only churches are "religious"). The spirit inside you makes you innately a spiritual being whether you believe in God or not. You just need a little nurturing, that's all.

[Lori Harrison]

I'm just gonna say it...Because God loves and you feel it! You are overwhelmed in the moment and darn it you can't control it. It's ok Amanda, my dear, I won't tell anyone. I love you gobs and tons! So, glad your life is going better...

xoxo Aunt Lori