To be fair to myself, there are definitely SOME moments in which I can just BE. Moments I'm IN so hard I feel them in my bones and couldn't find a word in my head with a dictionary. I OWN those moments. I live for those moments. Probably always have.
I've been moseying around the subject long enough. Let's finally talk about sex, shall we?
I mean, I've been holding out on y'all for a while now. First it was because a certain person didn't like me writing about S-E-X. And then because it was honestly such a jump for my readers. You people! I was a mommyblogger and when I started writing saucy fiction, that was shocking enough. I feel like you still haven't forgiven me.
But since y'all seem to keep gettin' yer panties in a twist over the bland, non-panty twistable stuff I write here, I thought I'd do you a solid and finally post something actually panty-twisting.
So let's start with my oft-voiced, never before published analogy about S-E-X (which I stole from my brother and expanded on):
Married sex? Is just like a sandwich. And there's nothing wrong with a sandwich! Sandwiches are tasty, right? You get hungry. So you eat a sandwich! And some days that sandwich is velveeta on wonder bread and some days it's imported Italian salami on San Francisco sourdough with baby endive and havarti.
But it's still a sandwich.
FREEDOM sex?
IS A ROMAN BANQUET.
You get to try every delicacy imaginable and you can eat and eat and EAT and when you get full, you just wipe your hands on the dogs and go back for dessert. To say that I've been enjoying said feast would be the understatement of the decade.
[I know a bunch of y'all are like: DUH. Isn't that what COLLEGE is for? Just remember I was already married in college. This has been the first time I've ever dated...]
[See also: I get to do this with m 34-year-old brain and my 34-year-old body, whichI love approximately ten million percent more than my 20-year-old one. Hello sexual peak, I'd like to have your babies.]
Sometimes, I even get a poetry bug up my butt and start writing dirty dating haiku. And by way of a warning, once you READ this, you can't UN-READ it, so proceed with caution.
That blue dress I wore
with tiny polka-dots?
Never washing it.
Bought me fancy ham,
wouldn't shut up about it.
I taste much better.
Great text messages,
but the profile pics don't match.
Thanks for the cosmo!
Fucking lunatic!
Say yes! might be my mantra,
but no still means NO.
All that baseball talk
was just to kill the time left
until I could leave.
First page of his book
made me climb him like a tree.
Smart is so sexy.
You smell so perfect.
I badly want to lick you
places I shouldn't.
I think a kiss is
the sum of lust and virtue,
lust the heavyweight.
What about that dress?
It's alone on a hanger
waiting to be worn.
I wanna ride your
beautiful brass belt buckle
while you spank my a%$.
I thought a grinder
was a slab of meat and cheese.
Rather order you.
That fucking hickey
cost me my alimony.
Worth every red cent.
One week playing house
and every inch of my skin
is a sex organ.
I take great pleasure
in watching you eat and drink.
Among other things.
You're such a bastard!
All I needed to hear was
Don't do it! You're mine.
I'm gonna go blond.
A heroine in the flesh.
Your world needs a spin.
I blame religion for making sex so taboo.
We're wired for it, married or not. My personal theory when it came to marriage was I better like having sex with the person I was going to be, uh, making sandwiches with the rest of my life. I checked out the buffet and picked my favorite dish to pack up and take home with me.
That was a whole lot of food analogy, but you're dead on.
People need to talk about sex more. Safe sex. Emotionally responsible sex. Then maybe we won't have all these TV shows about teen moms...condemning but parading the fact that we're WIRED to be HORNY.
I'm going to go ahead and get off my soapbox now =) Good for you and your new found cuisine!
Posted by: ariel | January 13, 2011 at 12:03 AM
Sex is fun! Also, that picture is gorgeous.
Posted by: Jenny Greene | January 13, 2011 at 05:31 AM
Wow. How sad. It's no wonder your marriage broke up with sandwich sex. I've been married 17 years and it's still unbelievable. We even have a swing we enjoy regularly! Glad things are better in that department! Keep having fun!
Posted by: Ann | January 13, 2011 at 06:09 AM
What you will learn is once this new relationship starts to get more familiar, once the bloom is off the rose, sex with the baldman will be sandwich sex. So unless you switch from guy to guy, don't expect this to last. But enjoy it for now!
Posted by: ashley | January 13, 2011 at 07:30 AM
Go, Ms. Westmont, GO!! Glad you are having fun and sharing the words with us. ;)
Posted by: Grechen | January 13, 2011 at 09:21 AM
I forgot about that "when you turn 30 you want to hump everything in sight" stage. I was also newly single for mine. It was a blast, the banquet was all kinds of shapes, sizes and colors....
Posted by: Annie | January 13, 2011 at 09:36 AM
AMEN SISTER! I love this post and love your haikus. Nothing wrong with enjoying sex...and you're right. The difference is like eating a sandwich and going out for a nice fancy dinner. I am enjoying dinners myself here lately. :)
To all those getting your panties all twisted - ENJOY! ;)
Posted by: Liana | January 13, 2011 at 12:39 PM
Sounds like the ramblings of a sex addict. Get some help, for your children's sake at least.
Posted by: ew | January 13, 2011 at 01:10 PM
What's up with the fourth one from the bottom? Is that an acknowledgement of cheating, or what?
Posted by: Rosetta | January 13, 2011 at 05:16 PM
"Sounds like the ramblings of a sex addict. Get some help...." -- word pirate "EW"
EW is begging to be bent over the washing machine...on the spin cycle...like the turbo-slut she is.
I'm willing and able!
Posted by: Iced Borscht | January 13, 2011 at 07:14 PM
I love that picture of you! The lipstick color is stunning on you!
And your haiku are just the bees knees! ;-)
Posted by: Sara | January 13, 2011 at 09:03 PM
Good catch, Rosetta! As much as I hate to burst your bubble, all it actually means is that I got a hickey during the week we were negotiating alimony, which happened after the separation.
Posted by: Amanda P. Westmont | January 13, 2011 at 09:12 PM
Umm... your divorce wasn't final until not too long ago, so just because you were "separated" doesn't mean you were divorced. So, yeah, messing around while you were married... nice.
And "Iced Borscht" why don't you put down the thesaurus once in a while!
Posted by: ew | January 13, 2011 at 10:29 PM
Ew,
You are dead right. I absolutely DID see other men while I was still technically married to Dave. But I never EVER cheated. Cheating is what happens when you have sex outside of a committed relationship. By the time I went on my first date, my commitment to Dave was 100% over and both of us knew it. Yes. I moved on quickly and that was both the most difficult part of the divorce for Dave and my most regrettable behavior. But it wasn't cheating. Not even close.
Posted by: Amanda P. Westmont | January 13, 2011 at 10:53 PM
whatever you have to tell yourself to convince yourself that you didn't cheat is fine. the bottom line is, while you are still legally married, you are married. plain and simple. until that divorce is final, you are still married.
Posted by: ew | January 13, 2011 at 11:27 PM
Ew, most people believe that marriage is more than a piece of paper. Once the emotional connection is gone, that's all it is. A piece of paper. Same reason why some people don't marry. They don't need a piece of paper to consider themselves in an emotionally committed relationship.
Once the emotions are gone, the marriage is over.
Posted by: Ness | January 14, 2011 at 07:27 AM
I'm more curious about the second from bottom haiku - what is that? Regret? #1 is too Lewinsky (ewww), but I like #8.
Posted by: Not EW | January 14, 2011 at 12:33 PM
#8 is my favorite, too. I almost posted it in bold, in fact. It was for a sea captain from Ilwaco with whom it just wasn't meant to be. He's still very close to my heart, though, and a stellar friend.
The second one from the bottom? Long story. Let's just say Joel had his own way of asking me to stop seeing other men...
Posted by: Amanda P. Westmont | January 14, 2011 at 12:47 PM
Love the pic! and i'm happy for you!
Posted by: taylor | January 14, 2011 at 06:33 PM
You need bangs to help the forehead and the nose.
Posted by: Me | January 14, 2011 at 10:15 PM
Love, love, love that picture of you.
Posted by: A'Dell | January 15, 2011 at 02:36 PM
To riff on Clinton's military, I didn't "ask." I told. ;)
Posted by: Joel | January 18, 2011 at 06:36 PM
Yes you did and it was hot as fuck. I'm pretty sure we left an even bigger dent in that wall than we did on our first date.
Posted by: Amanda P. Westmont | January 18, 2011 at 07:30 PM