Catch 22: Introducing the boyfriend to the kids

On Friday night, my two worlds collided and I introduced the baldman to the kids.

I know I said I wouldn't, but that just goes to illustrate a point that I've been meaning to make for a while now:

I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO CHANGE MY MIND.

The general consensus seems to be that because I ONCE was a happily-married suburbanite, I must ALWAYS be a happily-married suburbanite or I get accused of being a liar and a fraud. But what I really am is FLAWED! In all my terrible, magnificent humanity! Of all the horrors! Happiness isn't written in stone, people. Nothing is! I'm allowed to change my mind, even if it feels (as Linda so aptly put it) like my blog is a novel with a plot twist you don't agree with.

So, yeah, I said I'd never merge the two halves of my oddly dichotomous life (dating and kids) and then I went and CHANGED MY MIND.

Although, I'd argue that I'm not technically merging my "dating" life with my kids.

Because I'm not DATING Joel. Dating is a word I use to describe nefarious flings with cute boys. I had my share of those, Joel included, but now he's a lot more than that. Sure, he's cute, but he's also my boyfriend. We've stopped seeing other people. I've become addicted to waking up with his furry chest against my back and his breath on my neck. It's not a fling. Not anymore.

He's already met my parents, my sister, every good friend in my arsenal. They ALL adore him.

But I've kept him away from the two most important people in my life.

The Catch-22 is that I don't want to introduce my kids to a man until I know that it's serious, but I can't even BEGIN to know if it's serious until I introduce said man to my kids.

So we had to come up with a plan.

Step one was to tell Dave I was planning on making the introductions soon and to see if he wanted to meet Joel first. Personally, this is about the only thing I'd ask for when Dave finds a girlfriend (Are you there God? It's me Amanda...) I'd want to meet her before she hung around my kids. You know, check a bitch out. Only seems fair.

The offer will always be on the table, but this time Dave declined.

Step two was simple: KEEP IT CASUAL.

Keep it chaste.

We decided we'd set up PLAY DATES solely for the benefit of the children. My kids have known about Joel and Liza for a while and they were chomping at the bit to meet them both.

Alex: "His last name is GUNZ?  How AWESOME!"

We decided to meet in public. We didn't hold hands. We just hung out. We invited Sara and Ethan so it would be a group. Less pressure, we figured. The more the merrier.

It wasn't about sneaking in date time when we're around the kids and it won't be about playing happy little family. It'll be a while before I invite Joel and Liza to our home because I want to keep my children in control of their personal space. It's THEIR home. I don't want attachments to form prematurely. I'm going into this with my eyes open wide.

But honestly? It went GREAT. My first impression was that I had somehow managed to make a really big deal out of something completely natural and totally obvious. It felt EXACTLY like a play date. We met up at Wunderland, a nickel arcade on Belmont. The kids were so busy kicking ass and taking names that they barely even NOTICED the grown ups, much less gave a shit that it was actually, for mom at least, A HONKING BIG DEAL.

On Sunday, the four of us went to church together. I'll be ready to talk about that soon, I promise.

For now, though, I feel an odd sense of relief about all of it. Particularly about Genoa, who's had a lot of stranger anxiety this year, especially around men. It shouldn't have been such a surprise, but they got along gangbusters, giggles and all.

He's a keeper, that one.

Anyway, we're still forging our little path here, so tell me! Please! My lovely divorced friends - how did YOU handle this? Any words of wisdom? I may be a woman scorned by the anger of her audience, but I'll always be humble enough to continue listening.

Comments

[A.]

When I was twelve, my parents got divorced. My mom got depressed, stopped eating, incidentally lost a lot of weight, underwent a complete personality change, rediscovered her sexuality, and started dating very virile men.

They were all jerks. (Fourteen years later, she totally agrees.) The first one she dated moved in after a few months.

So, the beginning of this post made me wince. The promises my mother had made - to herself, to be responsible - all went out the window in the face of her new sex life.

"I know I said I wouldn't, but..."

:(

It was awful. He walked around in his tight underwear and acted like he ruled the place. I hated being home.

However, here are some "green flags", or things that you did very differently.

- You cleared it with Dave. (You weren't defiant/secretive. I don't think my dad knew what our home life was like.)

- "Keep it chaste". Yes. A thousand times yes. It was scary enough knowing my mother was completely different and that my dad was gone - with the boyfriend around, it was really confusing for pre-adolescent me. The lust was palpable and terrifying. She ignored us.

- "I want to keep my children in control of their personal space. It's THEIR home."
... YES.

If I had had any say/feedback/visibility way back then - if I had felt like it was my home too, like my mother was still my mom, like I had a voice - I think she wouldn't have joined the relationship to the family so violently.

Cut to: an episode of sexual abuse by boyfriend, subsequent depression, suicidal ideation, etc etc etc. Not fun times.

In the end, the only thing that mattered was whether or not she was still our mom - whether she'd believe us and protect us and listen to us. Everything that happened with all the boyfriends wasn't nearly as bad as feeling like she was too distracted to be our mom, and taking care of us was vaguely annoying.

[laura]

I have never had to experience this as a child or adult so no advice from me, but seems like you did one HELL of a job!!! keep rockin girl...

and i was beyond shocked that Dave didn't wanna meet him...?!?

[Raven]

The only man I ever introduced to my son is the one I am now married to, going on 6 years, my dating life never happened on kid time. I totally agree with and applaud your decision! My ex- husband didn't extend our son the same courtesy and it really affected him. My SIL always had her daughter around whatever flavor of the month she was with and it really affected her too.

Our first meeting of the then boyfriend was for an ice cream date at Ben and Jerry's.

[faraway reader]

No advice here but Great post. Glad it went well for everyone.

I think A. described perfectly how it can go so wrong, I totally could feel where you have been from your comment. You explained it very well and I felt big empathy for you as a little person.

[cady]

I agree with the challenge of not wanting to introduce your kids to a guy till it's serious, but it's only going to be serious once you can tell if said guy is going to work with the kids. I don't think there' s perfect solution, but this sure sounds damn good!

I was engaged for 3 years and my partner did not know my son for the first 6 months. When they met, it was clear my partner was trying but overall found the situation too much to handle. When it came down to my needing to return home to Seattle for my son's well being, my partner broke it off primarily because he wasn't ready to be a meaningful person in my son's life. My son doesn't know that, and is never going to see this post - one thing for sure, I see men and my son as a challenging situation to navigate, and one I don't quite know what to do with, but all you can do is try I think. It's not like you possibly have control over anyone's choices or actions but your own.

[Jane]

I was much older than your kids when my parents divorced (16) and then didn't have either around much for the next two years. When my mother remarried when I was 18 she neither involved us or really had us spend any time with her husband. So I was pretty annoyed when she decided to move back in with her kids & bring the new husband. Over time things became better & I matured a bit.
My point: I think you're doing the smart thing. Involving Dave if he wants, keeping the meeting casual & about the kids, and letting them have some control/boundaries are excellent ideas. I look forward to reading more about how things work out. Good luck.

[Laura Troll]

It sounds like you really thought this out, and everyone handled it well. Kudos to both you and Joel for extending the offer of introductions to Dave. If I were ever in this situation, I would appreciate the offer to meet my ex's new gal, before the kids. Glad you all had fun!

[Crystal]

My children were 12, 6 and 4 when I divorced. I never did let them meet anyone I dated. I was remodeling my kitchen and my (now) husband came over to get the old cabinets. We were just friends (but I knew I like him ALOT) and I kept making excuses for him to not come over and see the kids. He wasnt pushy or asking to meet them, he just wanted the cabinets. LOL! And, after a few years, he tells me he was quite impressed that I was going to remodel a kitchen and was unsure that a "girly girl" could actually accomplish such a feat!
Needless to say, he came over and the kids played as if nothing were happening. I'm not even sure they noticed that he was there. He was, afterall, just another person in the kitchen helping mommy remodel. My oldest was the first to actually ask me about him. He had heard me on the phone with him. I always just called him "Dan, my buddy". My oldest said he could tell that I liked him because my eyes got "really shiny" when I talked to him. I asked my oldest if he would like to "re-meet" him. He said yes. And, we too met at a public place. We went to dinner at a national chain. Then my oldest suggested we have Dan over for dinner. Once the kids were very comfortable with that, I asked my oldest if he would be ok if Dan spent the night. It started as a weekend night, then because more and more consistent during the week. I asked my oldest before I let Dan move in. I asked my oldest before I married Dan. I even asked my oldest before we started trying to get preg. Of course I talked with my little ones about it too, but my oldest (who is a very old-souled child) always felt like he was in control of his home. I asked for the younger ones' opinions, but they were so over the moon with Dan because he played NON STOP with them, that they saw it as live in play date!!
I couldnt have dreamt a more perfect life for myself. Sure, it is a path I would never have imagined that I would take, but I wouldnt trade it for the world!!
Good luck lady, you deserve all the happiness in the world!

[Kellen]

My kiddos were pretty small when I separated/divorced. It took a lot more time for me to enter the dating pool as I was trying to be a single parent of a special needs kid and work full time and complete my degree. Sheesh. So when I started dating I was just as careful as you. My ex didn't care who the kids met or who they were around, so that was really hard for everyone. Thankfully he rarely saw them.

It seems as though you are doing what needs to be done - putting your kids first. Congrats on recognizing their world. Best wishes to you going forward!

[Amber]

What a victory for all of you!

[Blythe]

My parents divorced when I was 11. My mom kept her dating life separate from me until things got very serious. Like most kids, I was really only interested in her life as it related directly to me. I now appreciate how slowly she moved, and especially that she & her boyfriend didn't move in together until I went to college. This probably isn't a reasonable scenario for you, given how young your children are, but it's the one I was most worried about as a kid - not Who is Mom Dating? but I Hope This Guy Doesn't Come Around and Change Everything, Just When Things Are Calming Down.

You're being beautifully thoughtful about this. As long as he keeps hanging out and doing fun stuff with them and not being too smoochy with their mom right away, I'll bet your kids will continue to think he's awesome.

[Carrisa]

The fact that Dave didn't want to meet him should be a sign that he still trusts your judgment where the kids are concerned. I'm glad it went so well. My parents divorced when I was 20 so I didn't have to really deal with this.

[Denise]

I have been reading your blog for a while now but have never left a comment before. I feel for you, I really do. Life never seems to go the way that we expect it to so you just have to be able to roll with the punches. I may not be able to say that if I were in your shoes I would do everything the way you have, but I applaud the fact that you put yourself out there. I am SO HAPPY for all of you that the first meeting went so smashingly. You can't keep those two sides of your life seperated forever so it's great that it worked out! Keep smiling, be happy.......and I have to agree, being the proud redhead that I am, we are bitches.

[Liana]

I'm so glad you wrote this post. I am recently divorced, new to the dating world. Never in a MILLION years expected to meet anyone that I liked so much. I'm moving VERY slowly, but I always wonder how to handle the meeting of the kids - if it came down to it. I think the way you are doing it seems well thought out and casual and great...and I will do it similarly when the time comes. My ex just threw my five year old in to his new girlfriend and kids, etc. and it has GREATLY affected her. :(

[Siera]

I remember thinking when I read the post about not introducing your kids a significant other that you may change your mind if you met someone special.

Notebeing in your situation I can't give advice but I think you went about it the the right way. My parents split when I was 5. One day my dad is moving out some time later (A few weeks? Months) My mom's new boyfriend was moving in. So not a good way to go about it. I hardy remember it. But he certainly didn't care for me. I think my mom went about it ALL wrong. Thank God I went to live with my dad at 6. The a$$hole I call my step dad is still around. He has some redeeming qualities that I've come to appreciate as an adult.

I have seen some of my single mom friends date with oblivion with young children and I always try to tell them to not introduce the boyfriend/flavor of the month unless it's serious as kids can get attached and when the male role model is suddenly splitsville I think it's more traumatizing to the children. Sounds like all went well!

[Kim]

As a child of divorced parents, A hit it right on the head. Don't get so caught up in your new life that you forget your kids were there first.