I'll eat him up; I love him so

I just spent an hour lost in my archives from 2004. Back when Alex was 15 months old and I could write about him with an ease and eloquence I seem to have lost somewhere along my way. This is a common theme I've noticed among my fellow mom-bloggers: the older your children get, the harder is to write about them.

It was just so easy then.

Now It's hard. I don't talk about my children because there's so much more to them now than nursing and diapering and watching them grow. They are still cute as hell, sure, but complicated.

Alex is a wonder. In so many ways. He has my father's enthusiasm. My brother's propensity for frustration. My relentless chattiness.

He's got some issues lately. One in particular that I can't talk about here. Something he's too old for. Something that makes no sense.

So I roar my terrible roar and gnash my terrible teeth and roll my terrible eyes and show my terrible claws.

Because it makes me angry.

The other day he stopped beside me and declared in that authoritative voice 7-year-olds use when they know they're full of shit, "Mom. I'm the boss of my actions."

"Yeah, kid," I told him. "But I'm the boss of your consequences."

Could this all be some underlying, deep-seated, psychological issue?

Sure.

But this behavior started looooooong before the divorce.

And that's the crazy thing about divorce. There is no control group. No way to tell if less-than-stellar behavior is because of the break up or because of everything that came BEFORE the break up.

So yeah, my kids fight. Constantly. When I tell them no - even it's over something as stupid as frosted flakes for dinner - they tell me they hate me and that I'm the worst mother in the whole world.

Frankly, it rolls right off my back, just an echo of the hundred times I said the same thing to my mother without meaning it. Let them be angry! It's good for them. And hell, I say yes often enough. Maybe too much. Maybe that's the problem.

Are we a happy threesome? The brutal truth is that no, we're not as happy as I'd like us to be. My kids aren't easy.  I don't know how to make them do what I say the first time. Or the third. I get frustrated with them far too quickly. I don't know how to get them to stop whining. Or hitting each other. Or staying up past their bedtime to tell secrets in the dark. I'm still working out how to be present. To stop and smell them. Let them know I'm here. I feel like I'm waiting for them to grow up so we can be friends.

Like ALL parents, I'm figuring it out as I go along.

But there is one thing I can say with finality: three is better than four. I finally have all the time and space I need to figure it out. I was never gonna find that when we were four.

Comments

[Amy]

Really! This is your thought process.
"I feel like I'm waiting for them to grow up so we can be friends"

It's sounds a lot like the running away you've been accused of many times in the comments on this blog. Parenting children is hard work. It's often unappreciated at the time, heartbreaking and cruel but worth it in the long run. It's a long term investment not instant satisfaction. I love my mother with all my heart and soul but she is not my friend she is my MOM. I'm 30 years old but she still tells me to STFU , rubs my back when I'm sick and gives me the eye when I get lippy. You should focus on raising happy well adjusted kids not built in friends. Give them the support they need in a trying time in their lives and not worry so much about what you want.

Your kids lost their home as well as their family. And as awesome as you think your bachelor pad is I doubt your kids feel the same. I'm sure any issues come from the enormous upheavals in their lives including the divorce. Own your role in the issues and the solution will come more easily.

[Annagrace]

I love your Mama heart, Amanda. I think the universal story of motherhood, regardless of marriage/divorce/death/job change/moving/school/etc must be: See It, Feel It, Fight, Feel Better, Soak up the Peaceful Times, then...back to Seeing It. Fighting again. It's not perfect circumstances or perfect parenting that ultimately saves our children. It's the continuing to fight for them, the refusal to quit, the telling them (over and over and over), that they are safe and loved unconditionally and that's WHY we fight. <3

[ariel]

I admire your frankness. I have no idea what parenting is like, but I have to say you seem "present" right now. I have the feeling this post will generate a bunch of evil mother comments (which I love to point and laugh at) But you are present in the fact that you seem to stop and reflect on your relationship with your kids. I think that kids fight, and siblings are usually out for blood with each other. I know my younger brother and I were once I realized I was bigger than him and had the ability to push him around (oh, about the age of seven?)
Everyone's going to love jumping on the blame the divorce bandwagon, but they're full of crap.

[Rachael]

I completely disagree with Amy. I'm 30 as well, and while my Mom still nurtures me, she is absolutely my friend and I love the different relationship I have with her as an adult and friend.

It's wonderful that you know whole heartedly that you are better as 3. I hear about people staying together for the kids and wonder who they are kidding. It is so much better for a child to have two healthy, happy parents than together parents who don't fit right.

Perhaps they will have issues from the divorce, but from what I've read here you and your ex are handling the situation and acting as a parenting unit incredibly well. Yeah, divorce sucks, but it happens. It doesn't mean that your kids are going to be wrecked, not if you're smart about it.

[laura]

this post hit me soo hard. i never thought parenting was going to be easy, but crap I NEVER NEVER thought it would be this hard even in that same breath I am so thankful for it, and so many of us do not realize that "3 is better then 4" at least you have. rock on!!

[Eva]

parenting is hard, no matter what. it's a never ending task, and no they don't give us a user manual along with that baby.
it would help some to try to find out what these issues/problems are stemming from, so as to understand better and try to find a way to make things better. I have kids the same age as yours, and each time their father deploys (we're Navy) or has very long hours, or when we move yet again, we have a whole set of things to deal with them that on normal ground we don't. life changes have profound effect on them (at least from my experience) even when at first glance they are well adjusted and happy.
though I do have to mention on your last paragraph, you say it's easier to be 3 than it's to be 4, but you are really 5 Amanda, you have a 4th person in the equation right now, granted he's not in touch with your children, but he is taking up your time and energy. and your ex is part of this equation, you're working with him to balance things out, and he's co-parenting with you, so he's not out of the picture. so it is 5. you are the anchoring point for your children and having your man friend (which by the way so like that term) is affecting your life (in a positive or negative way, only you know) and thus is part of your relationship with your kids. and I say this cause we're used to deployments which means "being 3" physically and emotionally for months on end while he's on ship, yet, we're always 4, as he is an ever present element in our everyday, and that 4th in our days brings happiness, frustration, sadness, worry, joy, love, anger, all the while he's miles and miles away. from my very personal experience, instead of being 3 now, you are 5.
and for the record, we're all on a trial and error basis, like one of your commenters said, it's about not giving up the fight and letting them know that we're always here for them.

[Carrisa]

I think a parent can absolutely be a friend too. It's just important that as children, you are the parent first and friend second. I guess even as an adult that's true. Kids go through shit. I went through shit. And we just hope that our parents are there to help get us through it. There's no doubt you'll do whatever you can for those babies.

[Lori]

I disagree with Amy as well. I'm 35. My mom is my very best friend. We didn't get to this place until I was in my late twenties.

It sounds to me like you pretty much know what you're doing, and that you're doing the best you can, which is really all anyone can do. I'd imagine your kids are and/or will be no more screwed up than the rest of us. I admire you for continuing to be so open here.

[bec]

Eva's so right on with her comment, I don't feel like there is a whole lot to add. A couple of things I pass along to parents I work with that may or may not be helpful:

1. Try as much as possible to catch them being GOOD and call them out for it specifically ("I love how you shared with your sister/brother"). It shines a bright and shining light on the behaviors you do want and also reminds you of all the times they do the right thing.

2. The book 1-2-3 Magic is really helpful in terms of discipline. We all can use a brush-up from time to time and it's a quick and clear read.

Hang in there and I really appreciate your honesty in this post.

[Rosetta]

Grief in children can manifest as age inappropriate behaviors, whether it's grief over a death, a divorce, or the loss of their home (which they now live across the street from 1/2 the time, yes? That would be hard!). Kids reach back to coping mechanisms they feel safe using when they're very stressed or very sad, and discipline in the traditional sense doesn't always work in those cases....

[Ness]

If the issue you are talking about with Alex is the same one you've written about once before, may I suggest that you have him "fix" it when it happens? Of course, you may already be doing this, but if not, maybe it will really help him think about what he's doing....? It may be more work, but perhaps it will pay off in the end???

[Heather]

I love this post. For so many reasons but mostly because at the end of the day the end of my marriage came down to just the same decision.

We were miserable at three. And as hard as it was going to be and as many issues as it may cause, isn't happy at two far better than miserable at three.

Hopefully things get easier and you can start to find a solution to Alex's issue.

[Tonya]

Amanda~ I 100% disagree with Amy. My mom is one of my very best friends now (im 35). It took a long time to get to that point. When I was teenager she was my enemy and that is the way it had to be, she was my mom and she was protecting me. I see that now and Alex will too. He will be thankful to have a mom that cares about him. Friendship does come and I have 3 kids and cant wait for that day!

[Tamara]

I am a mother of three young children (4 1/2, 3 and 1 1/2), also going through a divorce.

Four is better than five.

Parenting is HARD. Sometimes it feels like too much. But I still change diapers, bake muffins, do laundry, give baths, play and laugh, and say "no" and "yes" and "I don't know."

I can be quoted as saying quite often, "I look forward to the days when I can look back on these days through rose-colored lenses." Now, maybe that's not the same thing as looking forward to them growing up so we can be friends, but in actuality, it kinda is the same thing.

I truly the believe the two best things you can do for your children is to love them unconditionally, and set the example of being true to yourself, which you seem to be doing just fine. It will be many, many years before your children recognize that you are a person and a woman in addition to being a mom.

Giving your children the opportunity to know you in strength and weakness is itself and act of strength and fortitude.

[Valerie Willman]

Thank you for being so honest, Amanda. Reading about your journey is interesting, exciting, and feels like I've met a fellow traveler.

Plus I get the added bonus of pretending I know you when I read your posts ... because I *did* meet you once at WWC in Portland.

[Amy]

No one could have prepared me for parenting. I can now reflect on all the screaming at us kids my mom did and can't believe she didn't scream more! My daughter is 3 and although I've always considered myself an extrememly patient person, I now know that I've never had to put patience into action until recently. If the non-stop negotiating doesn't drive me to the funny farm, the persistent refusal to do anything I ask will!

PS: My parents stayed together for us kids. They FINALLY divorced when I was 20 and it's left me with more relationship baggage than anyone should have to carry. You did the right thing. Staying together is never the right thing to do. Parent on... Oh, and I totally get the comment about waiting for them to grow up so you can be friends.

[Lisa]

My friend got a counselor for her daughter during her divorce and she said it was the best decision she ever made. Her daughter still asks for an appointment every once in awhile, knowing that she has this resource has been a huge comfort to her. Maybe it would be a comfort to your kids as well. At least it would be a place for the three of you to talk together and get support and advice.

[Canadian Rachel]

I wasn't able to be friends with my mom until after my parents split up (when I was about 30). Before that, my mom was just NUTS from the stress of trying to pretend everything was all right.