Divorced

The paperwork was filed today, so unless the judge kicks it back for some godforsaken reason, Dave and I are officially divorced.

Strange.

I'm single for the first time since I was 19 years old. No wonder so many of you think I'm acting like a teenager: I AM. Just ask my parents. I was an annoyingly responsible teenager.

I don't suppose it will really hit me until the first time I sign my name as A.P. Westmont. I filed the name change this afternoon and I'll be in front of a judge to finalize it on October 1st.

New me.

The kids seem to be doing well with all of it. Someone once told me that young kids especially tend to adapt quickly to the "new normal," and I think that's what's happening in our case. We never did the big sit-down, mommy and daddy have some big news to tell you, cry-it-out, drastic divorce announcement. We just gave them the facts. We lost the house! Mommy moved into an apartment. Dad went to grandma's. Zero drama.

New normal.

"Do I get to come home with you today mommy?"

"Yes. Yes, you do."

"Awesome!"

For anyone considering custody arrangements, I would like to give a big thumbs up to the week on/week off arrangement we have. It's so SIMPLE. And clear. When it's my week, I'm in charge of everything. When it's Dave's week, he is. The kids always know exactly where they'll be sleeping every night. And since we maintain an open-door policy with regards to the kids, we both still get to see them any time we want. Dave comes by before bed to smooch them. I'll usually stop by after work to do the same.

We're making it work.

Comments

[Jackie]

Congratulations Ms Westmont! It' too bad more divorced couples can't be as civilized as you and Dave. You are setting a great example.

[taylor]

i REALLY like your custody arrangement with the "anytime smooches" that are allowed. That's awesome for both you AND the kids.

[Nancy]

You keep giving that a big thumbs up. Wait til one is pissed @ the other, then tell me the other has stopped by.

Sticking by my post from when this all started.

[Rhi]

A big giant hug to you, friend. Also, now we share part of a last name (for a while anyway).

[Melissa C]

I think the new normal sounds pretty livable. I'm glad its working.

[rosetta]

As a child of divorce, I have to say, I'm shocked by the idea that you would think it's "no big deal" to them that they've lost their home, and now their parents live apart and they can't see you both every day. Just because kids don't act out on the outside doesn't mean they aren't carrying around a burden in their hearts. I think it's wrong how many people have come here just to call you nasty names and put you down, but I also think you seem bizarrely out of touch with reality, determined that all it takes to make a situation ok is for you to say it's ok. Divorce is hard on kids. Having parents who are dating is hard on kids. Kids can turn out just fine after a divorce with the proper love and support, but the idea that you can just tell them that there's a monumental life shift happening over which they have no control and they'll just absorb it and keep on bopping is not realistic. I say this as a child of divorce. This whole situation just seems so weird, and so sad.

[Sarah]

You truly bloom where planted!

[Stephen]

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/09/22/divorced.parents.children.marriage/index.html?hpt=C2

I saw this article today on CNN's site and just shook my head. It's a very powerful article on the effect divorce has on a child's own chance to end up divorced. It says that children learn from their parents and if divorce is seen as easier than working to fix a marriage, they will emulate that behavior.

Sure sometimes divorce is inevitable, but reading Amanda's posts on how easily her kids are coping with the radical change to their life - I think is just wishful thinking on her part. Just like her posts about her past life were largely fictitious, she is clearly repeating that with Amanda 2.0 - romanticized name and all. The next thing she will post is how much happier her kids are with divorced parents & why she didn't do it sooner.

Salient numbers from this article:

The risk of divorce is 50 percent higher when one spouse comes from a divorced home, and 200 percent higher risk when both of them do. Children of divorce are also 50 percent more likely to marry another child of divorce.

-------

Basically, Amanda is telling her kids it's ok to give up on a marriage when the going gets tough and get a divorce and move out when the money gets tight. Also, she has potentially doubled her kid's chance to also end up divorced. If nothing else, kids look to their parents for how to act and respond to serious situations.

But thank goodness she can now have her Brazilian waxes and breakfast flirting. She says her mom reads this blog - what I would really be worried about is her kids reading this blog in 5-10-15 years. Remember nothing ever really goes away on the internet.

[marnilla]

Stephen - dear - just how do YOU spell "troll?"

Amands is doing what she AND the father of her children think is reasonable and good for them, the children.

You don't get a vote.

I don't even see why you think what you think is applicable?

Get over it.

2 of Us

[Troll #2]

@Marnilla - Do you even personally know Amanda and David? Because if you don't then you really have no idea what has happened here. First off, your comment makes no sense. Secondly, Amanda is only doing what is best for Amanda. David, Alex & Genoa didn't get a vote in this matter (along w/Stephen). Why should you be allowed to make positive comments, but no one else's opinion counts if it differs from your's? Then, you disrespect another commenter by calling them a "troll". Not cool!

@Stephen, your comments as always are well thought out and actually quite nice compared to others. You pretty much nail it every time!

[Helen H.]

@ Marnilla- Who is Amands? And what is
2 ofUS? No sense is right.

So true- unless people personally know Amanda and David, they don't REALLY know what has happened. Amanda plasters her version of reality all over this blog, yet, it is only one side (one very reality-detached side).
I also think it shameful that Amanda thinks her children are just going on as if everything is just groovy. Really, quite sad- in pretty much every way.

[Rachael]

I'm so glad that you and their Dad are SO loving and supportive of your kids. It's wonderful that you're being so open-door about the whole thing. Wonderful! I really see you both making the best out of the situation.

[Orphan]

Every person I know had some bummer happen to them in their childhood and most of us turned out fine. NO ONE ends up perfect. Even if A&D did stay together those kids would've seen some kind of hardship. Unfortunately people experience things they do not like and have no control over. Everyone has to learn to cope with that. Some of us do it earlier than others. Better they deal with divorce than abuse, hunger, homelessness or illness.

[Kerri Anne]

I've said it before, but I'll say it again: I love your new name. And this new you, who is really the same you, but rediscovered, reclaimed.

Here's to growth, and healing, and strength. And a book in my hands with your name on the spine.

[Lori]

I think it's a waste of time to come here and continually bash Amanda over the head. She's made her choice, and since it's her life, it was indeed her choice to make. Now whatever consequences come from that choice, be they good or bad, are hers to deal with as well. If the children or Dave have some hardships stemming from this decision--well, that's life. I come from a very happy, still married, two parent household and trust me, my life has never been all wine and roses. We all deal with crap, and things suck, but you get through it as best you can and you move on. Time will tell what this choice means for the future of Amanda and her family, but it's done already. If you are so disgusted with her choice, don't read anymore. Discouraging words aren't going to change anything at this point anyway, but positive words might help make things better. Just sayin'. Cheers.

[laura]

just want to say i love the name change!
negative and positive make a blog worth reading to me. love ya stay strong

[mom on a wire]

Goodness gracious.

Turn off your comments, babe, keep writing your truth, and many blessings to you from someone who's been there.

[shelley]

i like to read this blog... keep writing.

[Meredith]

Post, Amanda! For the love of Pete, post! I'm overcome with angst wondering what you and those sassy shoes are up to!

[Melissa]

It is the nature of people who read blogs to be busybodies - otherwise we wouldn't find the details of other people's lives interesting enough to read about in the first place.

Amanda you are a brave person for putting it all out here for us to read.

To the detractors, she doesn't come here asking for advice, so it will do no good to offer it. If you don't like her choices - don't make them in your own life.

I don't necessarily agree with all of your choices either, Amanda, but I respect your right to make them. You are clearly doing what you feel is right for you and your children and as a mother myself I understand that that is all we can do.

You look like you're finding a new normal pretty quickly. May the smooth sailing continue, I wish you and yours the very best.

[blondie]

While I wish Amanda the best of luck and I do agree that divorce is a better option than having one parent be miserably unhappy, this is why I believe it should be a crime to marry and/or have children under age 30. It's a shame how our society pushes 20-somethings, particularly females, to marry, when instead they should be encouraged to live on their own as single people, get an education and discover who they are as individuals prior to marriage and child-rearing.
I'm facing this with my own niece, who is 20 and convinced she's met The One and they will be in luuuuuv forever. I keep telling her, she and he will probably be different people 10 years from now. Have fun and explore your own life for a while before you get married.
However, I'm sure if someone had said this to the 19 year old Amanda, she wouldn't have listened because people have to make their own mistakes.
Enough with the serious stuff, what are you and those shoes up to?