On sleep, the wasted harlot of my youth.

Why is it that the more sleep I require and the more desperately I require it, the less of it I can get? My kids sleep through the night now. Finally. Six plus years into this mommy gig, I no longer wake to the eardrum-popping cry of a dirty diaper or the pools of milk soaked through the sheets beneath my overflowing knockers. Rubber sheets - those days are officially behind me.

And now with Dave home, the possibility of an afternoon nap so easily and often looms before me. All I have to do is ask and he insists I catch up on my sleep. A beacon of unconscious bliss. Alone time.

Nope. Not for me. I can't even nap anymore, much less fall asleep when I'm exhausted.

Unless I knock myself out chemically or narcotically, I simply can. not. sleep. Too many nights I've gone to bed late - after 1AM, or if I'm being truly honest, 2AM - and still, I wake up with the kids before 8:00. Not because Dave won't let me sleep in, he'd love nothing more than to let me, but simply because my body is awake. I can't sleep past sunrise anymore. 

The condition is exacerbated by any deadline of any kind. I had to get up twice this week before 6AM to attend a conference and in spite of going more than three nights without any kind of sleep that amounted to any kind of a shit, even the harmless, minuscule shit of a field mouse, I STILL wasn't exhausted enough to actually sleep. I looked at the clock every hour all night long. Or oftener.

On the first night, my brain decided to fill my midnight hours with words, random excerpts from whatever novel I was reading. And as if that weren't bad enough, my brain somehow thought my sleeping hours would be best put to use trying to figure out the ending of the book, several potential endings in fact, naturally attempting to mimic the prose of the novelist, critiquing and changing each sentence as it occurred in my mind. Apparently, while I'm asleep, my brain thinks itself an author. Of course I can't remember a single word come morning. I'm too brain dead from lack of sleep.

The next night, the night I was surely so driven to exhaustion that there was no possible way my brain could prevent my sleep, my body decided to interfere and I tossed and turned all night. It wasn't quiet enough. My hips hurt. The arches of my feet ached. Genoa cried at 3Am, mere seconds after I'd first found myself unconscious. The hair on my temple was itchy. My toes cramped.

What gives?

I'm not looking for advice (not any more than you're looking for advice on how to cure your morning sickness), only empathy. I've tried everything: cutting off caffeine, exercise, not drinking booze, routines, hot tea, you name it. None of it truly helps, at least not consistently.

I think we've somehow screwed ourselves with this version of modern life. It's entirely a first world problem. Maybe if I had to wash the family's laundry in a metal bucket, scraping our dirty underpants across a washboard until my knuckles were raw, maybe THEN, I'd be tired enough to sleep through the night at age 33. Maybe even the entire night, like a gift from heaven. Or the gods of Ambien.

I think the problem is this: lack of mental downtime. My brain is a bucket all day long. I fill it constantly, overflowing it mostly with words: reading, speaking, writing, listening, laughing. All day long. It never ends. Sleep is the only chance my brain gets to empty the bucket. And the emptying is loud, disruptive, splashy.

And then, finally, just when I think I can't take another night of it, I suddenly wake up to the screech of the alarm clock. After a full night. Bliss. And then I have nothing to complain about and what good is that?

Comments

[angelynn]

So true. I'm sitting here at 11:41pm thinking I should really just go to bed. I'm tired, tomorrow will be difficult and I could really use some rest. But for the last hour I've been finding things to read, to investigate, to entertain. Most nights I'm just up processing things too. I couldn't offer advice even if you wanted some. If you happen to find an answer, please share. Until then, good luck and may you continue to find some rest.

[Tana]

So very true. Here it is 12:30am and I'm up just processing all the things I need to accomplish in the next 3 days. When really what I need most is sleep so I can actually get everything accomplished. Good luck. Hope it feels better knowing you are not alone!!

[Sally]

Aw, I'm sorry you can't sleep. Insomnia is horrible. I have a good friend who has thyroid issues, and the main way it affects her is crippling insomnia. It's miserable.

I hope you get some rest soon.

[JCF]

Oh, I so understand. Why do I stay up until 1am browsing Apartment Therapy, when I know my kids will wake up before 7? And with my husband's schedule, I can RARELY sleep in, and even then, my body won't let me.

So I know you said no advice, but my midwife recommended this drink mix (Calcium Magnesium supplement) to help me relax. I drink it 30 minutes or so before bed, and I swear it cures the tossing and turning and inability to shut my mind off.

http://www.vitacost.com/Peter-Gillham-Natural-Calm-Plus-Calcium-Organic-Raspberry-Lemon

[Sara]

I'm *sure* you've already tried this, but I find that an, um, 'encounter' with my husband helps me sleep like a baby. Wait, that didn't come out right. I sleep like a baby *after* the busy-ness is over and done. :) Good luck!

[Andrea]

I have one word for you...MELATONIN!!! You can get at Costco for super cheap. It's what your body naturally produces to falls asleep so you won't become addicted or feel druggy in the morning. Trust me because I know what you are going through :)

[Amanda P. Westmont]

Sara - You crack me up. For me and Dave that particular bedtime routine goes without saying. Why do you think I'm so tired?

Andrea - I took Melatonin for an entire month every night before bed - it tasted awful and made no noticeable difference.

[alison]

I feel the same way but I manage to get sleep, otherwise I just couldn't function. To cure the lying-there-and-thinking-about-all-I-have-to-do-tomorrow problem, I make a "To Do" list (or add to one) each night before bed. Once it's written down, I feel like I can stop worrying about it, no matter how trivial it is. Try it!

[breedemandweep]

Possibly the best post title of all time, on any blog.

Praying for sleep on your behalf!

[Erin (Snarke)]

My "oh my god I can't sleep" solution changes all the time so I can't give you any real advice, which is good because you don't really need any and I have sympathy in spades! :)

Not being able to sleep truly sucks!

[1hot&tiredmama]

I think you hit the nail on the head . . . WORDS! I am such a big word nerd (reading, writing, etc.). I am having sleepless nights myself and my dreams always involve WORDS. It's driving me crazy, but I. just. cannot. stop. (the influx of the words, that is). I have been obsessed with this game on my iTouch - Jumbline - where you unscramble letters to make words and you're on a timer. My mind is playing that game at night when I'm supposed to be sleeping while also replaying or reinventing stories based on the current book I'm obsessed with. CRAZY. I feel your pain . . .

[dregina]

Yoga?

[April]

I TOTALLY empathize.

I must be at work at 5:30 am. As a result, I spend the entire day dead on my feet. Blurry-eyed and unable to concentrate. Do you think that means I can fall asleep at 8pm? Absolutely not. Can I sleep in on my days off? No. I still wake up at 4 am. I still look at the clock several times an hour. AND if I do manage to get to sleep, my silly old German Shepherd decides she needs out, because she has suddenly developed an old lady's incontinence and wants outside two or three times a night. It's ridiculous. Even if I actively try to physically tire out my body, my mind is not having it.

I also don't want advice about it. I've tried things. Most work intermittently and drugs I build up an immunity to after awhile (I have no desire to become further drugged out by stronger, more heavy-duty drugs).

[Teri]

I can so relate. I have had problems sleeping since the year my son was born...1987. There are times that I can sleep like a baby, but most nights I am forced to take the little pill to sleep, and that doesn't necessarily make it good sleep.

I have found myself back to working jigsaw puzzles (winter boredom routine) and struggle going to sleep if I have worked on the puzzle within an hour or more of bedtime. I can lay there seeing the pieces in my mind and just knowing that if I went downstairs to work on it, I would make big progress.

I agree that our minds are too full!

[Alison]

I feel your pain, mama! Have we just conditioned our bodies to wake at every sound after years of listening for the babies? Some nights it gets to the point where the muscles in my legs and arms start convulsing, because I'm just so damn tired and can't relax. Sleeping pills don't help, they just leave with with a morning hangover. Melatonin is of the devil, the dreams I had with that were more frightening than lack of sleep.

[Marilyn Howton]

Insomnia! I should have that pasted onto my forehead, so people will cut me some slack when my witty response to everything is "Huh?"

I have had and still use ambien, etc., with varying degrees of success. I know you don't need advice from total strangers, but I suggest calcium tablets before bed. They may or may not help, but getting the recommended daily dose of 1000-1200 mg is a good thing to do for the bones anyway.

Word games are the worst for getting to sleep, too much concentration needed, Good luck!! I'm with you 100%.

[Health Sleep]

So so Sad Of U...Take care...
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