Abiding Time

1. Our dog is mad at us again and for the life of me I can't figure out why. Are the kids pulling his ears again? Does this particular bag of Iams not meet with the requirements of his delicate canine palate? Is the ground outside too cold/wet/muddy? All I know is that he's shitting in the house again - on our white carpet - and I'm sick of cleaning it up. I don't know whether to smother him with additional affection to make up for whatever got the burr in his ass or to throw him in the garage and let him stew. Either way I wish he spoke English.

2. The other day I was standing in the shower (alone! one of the brightest, most delicious perks of having a house husband is that I can literally lock the door and shower in peace. Years! It's been years since I've showered sans small people!) and anyway, I encountered a spider. A frightening thing directly above my naked self, big enough that I could see it without my glasses, but high enough on the slope of the vaulted ceiling that there was no possible way I'd ever be able to reach it if I tried. And for a flash of a second I thought about turning my shower head to the murder setting and pointing it skyward. I'm not sure exactly what made me think this particular tangent was bloggable, but I guess for that flash of a second I imagined myself as a kid and realized it was something I would've done if I still lived with my parents and wouldn't have had to be the one responsible for repairing the soggy ceiling. Now that I'm a grown-up, I'm only able to enjoy the THOUGHT of drowning a creepy home-invader with my shower head, not the act itself. But still. How cool would that have been?

3. This:

4. We didn't watch the Superbowl. I prefer to think of us a Football-free house. Instead I thought Sunday afternoon would be a great time to get in our weekly grocery shopping. And it was - Wal-Mart was a desert oasis of empty aisles and steeply discounted beer - but we brought the children. Both of them. Which was A Mistake. One it was too late to remedy by the time I realized the folly. (I've been shopping alone since Dave's been home - yet another perk. In fact the only downside of an unemployed husband as far as I can see is the paycheck.) Why is that my kids are perfect angels ALONE, but the second you get the two of them in the store at the same time, they're immediately poking holes in Wonderbread packages and knocking refried beans off the shelves? They can be so calm individually, but together they're annoyingly combustible. I hate to make generalizations, but seriously, you people with only one kid? YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

5. Alex is pretty much reading now, although not independently. What I mean by that is that if you put a book in front of him and help him turn the pages, he'll read it with aplomb and relative ease, but there's no way he'd ever sit down with a book unprompted. It isn't something he particularly enjoys yet. Reading still takes WORK, whereas shooting cardboard boxes in the backyard with his bow and arrow is just plain FUN. And while subtraction still pisses him off (at least the double-digit kind), he can do multiplication in his head. Seeing what's easy for him vs. what causes him to struggle is yet another highlight of parenthood. I wonder how his brain works, how the numbers and letters appear on the pages of his mind, how this result of human reproduction can turn out so different from either of its genetic contributors. Deep thoughts, I know, but I'm convinced all parents have them. At least once a week I have an out-of-body experience where I look at my kid(s) and think, HOLY SHIT, I made that. I know I can't be the only one perpetually in awe.

6. Even more surreal is when I when I look up from my spot on the couch, where I'm sitting and reading a book with my feet tucked up under my butt in the same position my mom always sat to read and I realize that under my loose, stained, zip-front bathrobe I'm wearing the same style of industrial, yet comfortable panties that my mother always wore and I'm drinking my sixth cup of coffee like my mother always drank and it occurs to me that somehow time has skipped forward like a scratched record and I'm the grown-up now.

Dude.

7. Also, Alex can tie his shoes. But not THOSE shoes. ONLY THE GREEN ONES WITH THE EXTRA LONG LACES. Do not mess with a six-year-old shoe-tyer. They can be vicious in their singular frustration.

8. Genoa thinks it's HILARIOUS to copy me. This was cute the first 200 times she did it and admittedly, it's still cute. 

9. I'm glad I'm not the only one with a wrong sense of humor! And thank you for not mocking me in my confessional. Y'all will be the first to know when I finally throw my Big Lebowski party. So far all I've got planned is Wii bowling and White Russians, but I'm sure I can come up with more if I let the idea ripen a bit. The Dude will abide until I come up with a guest list.

Comments

[bethany actually]

I only have one kid, but OF COURSE I have an idea of what two kids are like, combustion-wise. I have a little brother. And I spent years working with kids before I had one. Why do you think my kid is almost 6 and I still only have one? ;-)

I'm glad you're able to appreciate the perks of having Dave at home even though the lack of paycheck is still problematic.

[Melissa]

2. I think the only reason I've asked my husband to stay home as long as the kids are snowed out of school is so I can shower in peace. I let him think it's because I just like having him at home though, so shhhh. And I don't care, wall damage or not, I'd have taken that spider out.

4. I don't know but mine are the same way. Individually, angels. Each one. Get them all together and I've got a little army of short tyrants.

5. Double-digit subtraction pisses ME off. But yeah, it is a pretty crazy feeling when you fall into that moment of "wow, I made that."

[Rebekah]

Amanda, I love your idea for a Big Lebowski party with the Wii bowling and White Russians. The Coen brothers have made some of our favorite movies.

For party ideas, what about encouraging everyone to wear bathrobes and boxers? Or better yet, costumes themed around the movie? You could go crazy - come as a nihilist, Jesus, or even dressing up as a disembodied bloody toe. :)

The Fox Theater in Boulder, CO screens The Big Lebowski nearly every month and part of the tradition is going to the show in your bathrobe. Have fun with your party - I hope you do go through with it and post details here!

[maureen quinnell]

I admit I laughed when you said you took both children shopping - you do like to live dangerously. Occasionally i have been known to make that mistake but thankfully i have now trained the kids into understanding that only one child is allowed out the house with me at a time...

[Rayne of Terror]

Too bad about Harry. That rug really tied the room together.

[Kim]

Such a sweet picture. The heart... it melts.

[hydrogeek]

Fuck it. Let's go bowling.

[Amanda P. Westmont]

Rayne,

You win for making me laugh first thing in the morning!

[heidi]

I feel your pain from your shopping trip. I can take one, even two and things are fine. Three or god forbid, all four, and I want to shoot myself. Why do they turn into maniacs when all together?

[Melinda Handy]

Have you seen the book "The Dude Abides: the Gospel According to the Coen Brothers" by Cathleen Falsani? I got it a while back for the Kindle when it was free. (Sadly it is no longer free. Although I'm sure the author would appreciate some royalties.) While I haven't yet read it, it does make me laugh every time I see the title in my book list on the Kindle.

[lolismum]

Add me to the camp of "What the f*** was I complaining about when I had one kid?" Mine are the same. When together, especially in public, it makes me want to call the National Guard for help. When alone, they are like sweet little well behaved angels. Just as well, because I would have really sold them to the gypsies for a toaster as I frequently threaten to do.

[Christa]

"I know I can't be the only one perpetually in awe." -
Of course not, Amanda.
I know though, why we were all complaining with one kid.
1) We had no idea
2) They were small.

My saying is :"Everybody should be allowed to start with kid no.2" How easy would that be?
Of course, the downside to that: "Kid no. 1 would follow after that" :-))

[TATE28Ruby]

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