The Truth

I keep hoping that if I just continue posting cute videos of my kids and cheesy excerpts from my next novel, I won't have to talk about what's really going on, but it's not working.

The truth is that my husband lost his job two months ago.

Two. months.

Did I ever tell you guys the funny one about how even though he went to college, got a law degree and passed two bar exams, my husband basically still worked in construction? (His biggest clients were construction companies.)

IT'S HILARIOUS.

I'll give you the punch line: FORECLOSURE!

I haven't really figured out how to write about it yet because doing so makes me feel, look, sound and behave exactly like a schizophrenic.

When we first got the news, my mind just buzzed. Rather painfully so. It was a strange feeling I can really only describe chemically - it felt like what happens when you mix red bull with vodka. I was exhausted, but couldn't sleep. I was starving, but didn't feel like eating. My mind was racing through a thousand thoughts a minute, but none of them stopped moving long enough to grasp. My brain had lost the address to the START line and no matter how many times I tried to click "SEND," I could never quite enter the CAPTCHA correctly.

Is that a W or just two V's?  An H or a crooked I?

MY SPAMBOT BRAIN CANNOT DECIDE.

I was stuck in that hyperactive stupor for about a week when out of the blue, I felt suddenly calm, like I was in the eye of the storm. I was done sitting around doing nothing! I was optimistic! I started making lists. I canceled our home phone service to save money, put all the student loans on deferment and polished my resume. After all, I thought, I'm just as capable of supporting our family as my husband is.

A week later I had my first job interview.

A week after that I had my first "thanks, but no thanks."

A week after that I sent out 70 more resumes. SEVENTY.

I got five responses in all: one interview (for a job that doesn't start until February and wouldn't pay more than I'd make working as a Wal-Mart greeter) (not that Wal-Mart is hiring greeters. I checked.), two really sweet e-mails from other financial planners who would love to hire me, but don't have the resources to do so because of the economy, and two phone calls that didn't turn into opportunities.

There were no opportunities.

For the first time in my life, I began to worry that I didn't actually control my own destiny.

Let me back up and work this point for a minute because it's a rather huge one. Up until about a month ago, I'd coddled a much-beloved, deeply-held CORE BELIEF that everything would be okay as long as I worked hard enough. I was in charge of my own life! I could choose my own adventure!

If you decide to finish college and get a job, turn to page 4.

If you decide to move in with your boyfriend and drop out, turn to page 5.

As a mother, wife, daughter, sister, writer, professional, feminist, libertarian, and everything else that I am - I always believed that my life was the sum of my choices.

And as an American, I always believed I'd have plenty of choices to make.

And it was not a good place to be when I felt like I had none.

But it was also temporary.

I still DO have choices. I choose to be a supportive wife. I choose to be here for my kids. I choose to see this house - the one we could lose - as merely an address, as just one of many bright pushpins on our family's life map. I choose to stop worrying about things I can't control. I choose to keep writing and see where that takes me. I choose to stop waiting for the universe to magically drop opportunities into my lap.

Thanks, Universe, but I think I'll start making my own.

Comments

[shriek house]

Oh god, I'm so sorry. This sounds uncannily familiar to my own situation, and I know how deeply frightening it can be. I love your attitude, your recognition that there ARE still choices, even in the middle of feeling hammered by fate. I hope your choices lead you & your family exactly where you want to be.

[Rayne of Terror]

I'm sorry. I kind of figured that was what was going on. So many attorneys are out of work. I just left my job as an assistant attorney general because it didn't pay enough to cover daycare for 2 children and it scares me. We are back to counting pennies like during law school.

[Mrs Chaos]

I love how you wrote this.

All of this totally sucks. But if anyone can make *it* happen, you so totally can.

[jonniker]

Oh Amanda, I'm sorry. I've been down and scared and nearly broke before, and I know how scary it is, especially when you're looking down the barrel of terror in this kind of market. I love your attitude, frankly, and my fervent wish is that it leads you to bigger, better places -- exactly where you deserve to be.

[Jamie]

This happened to us in August. I wish I had some comforting words, but alas, we're still in the thick of it. The good thing is we used it as an opportunity to leave a place we hated (Utah) and move to a place we love (Portland). We're looking at forclosure, our savings is GONE, my husband had to take an entry level job at a call center just to put food on the table for our 2 kids, and we're racking up credit card debt just to get by... but, we have each other, we love Oregon and making sure we try to appreciate the great things in our lives more than lament the bad things. (Some days are easier to appreciate than others, that's for sure)

I'm so sorry you and your family are having to go through this.

[Alison]

I don't even know what to say. You're so incredibly positive, I know things will work out - whatever changes may come. I knew it was something big you'd been hinting at, but this wasn't even on my radar. We're all pulling for you!

[jen]

I'm sorry, I truly am. I hope this road is short for your family and it takes you to a good place in the end. I wish you nothing but the best. my husband is a pilot and lost his airline job in april of 2008. after searching in the usa for nearly a year with no success and me trying to get back in to the teaching field (i've been a sahm) with no success (even though that wouldn't support us) we decided to take big leap of faith. we're now living in china. yes- china. he's flying for a chinese airline. a lot of western pilots fly for foreign airlines because they don't have enough qualified pilots. it was a scarey choice, but it's been an intersting adventure for my family. you never know where life will lead you... i think you've learned a big lesson. even the best planners can't have everything all figured out. sometimes you have to go where life leads you. i hope it leads you somewhere exciting...

[cindy w]

I am so, so sorry. I knew you were avoiding talking about something big, but I never would've guessed it was this. Wow. That's so hard. Hope things turn around for you guys VERY quickly.

[Rebecca]

I am so sorry.

[Kerri Anne]

I'm so sorry it's such a difficult time, babe. I, for one, believe in you and your ability to kick all the right kinds of ass, thereby ending up in a place that is better, safer, stronger. Here's to "this too shall pass" happening for you, post haste.

[Elizabeth]

I am so sorry Manda - I had no idea this was going on. That absolutely sucks.
If anyone can kick some ass at a time like this, though, I have no doubt it's you.

[suzan]

Oh Amanda. My stomach just fell when I read this. I am so sorry which sounds trite, but is heartfelt. I don't know what else to say.

[Elizabeth]

Also - this might be a total long shot, and maybe not something you're interested in, but have you ever thought about selling financial planning on Etsy? Or setting up your own financial consulting site? I found one person with a few things listed
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=32970054
, and I bet if you marketed yourself correctly, you could do all kinds of stuff for the small business owner or just a family struggling with their finances....
I am not suggesting you COPY this person, obvs, but as soon as I read this I thought "What can Manda sell on Etsy?"...and this is what came to mind.

[Sally]

I'm very, very sorry. I hope something turns around for you both soon.

[Amy H]

I'm very sorry to hear that, Amanda. I kind of figured something must be up with Dave's job but didn't realize how tough it had gotten. I don't know you personally but I feel like we are friends. And here's one thing I do think I know about you: YOU ARE A STRONG PERSON and you have your shit together. So you keep plugging away at jobs and Dave can, too. Hopefully you can save your home but you sound like you have the right attitude if you can't.

I wish you all the best of luck. I really feel terribly about your situation and wish there was something I could do to help. I am thinking about you and sending good thoughts your way.

[Jamie]

Big, huge, ineffectual, crappy virtual {{hugs}} to you, dearest. And again, as in the past...same life. A's severance ends in January and I'm scared out of my wits. Empathy galore and lots of love. We need to catch up soon over a few stiff drinks and a phone call, 'kay?

And fwiw, we both busted a gut last night over Alex's video. Neither of us can get over how big & mature he's gotten! Hold fast to those darlings...greatest gift and all that...

[Brandy]

I am sorry to hear that things are still not looking up. We've been thinking about you guys a lot and really hope something good comes out of this for you! Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help.

I know this is very tough. The job market is just so bad out there! For my unemployment, I have to send 4 resumes a week. I have a hard time finding jobs that suit my skills to even send those 4 resumes too. I haven't had a call back from a potential employer in a very long time. So, I know it is a rough market. It will get better though.

Have you ever looked in banking (like with Wells Fargo for example)? With your financial planner background, they may have positions open that might suit you. The branches have their new accounts people, so you definitely have experience in that kind of stuff. Just a thought... :) Hang in there!

[1hot&tiredmama]

OMG! I am so glad you posted this because it hits home with me.

My husband owns two construction-related businesses and has for the last 10 years. Large businesses -- that employ 40+ people. Well, we'll probably declare bankruptcy by the end of the year . . . and I am SHOCKED. 2 years ago, he had nearly 6 million (yes, that's not a typo) in sales. This year, he'll be lucky if he does 1 million. That sounds like a lot of money, but that has to pay all those employees and pay all the overhead and pay us. We have loaned all our savings to the company to try and keep it afloat and are now racking up the debt on our personal credit cards for the company. (We were previously debt free except for our mortgage.) And I am . . . well . . . PANICKED.

I am a stay-at-home mother of four. My husband has two college degrees. Hell, I have my own college degree. But there are not many jobs to be had and I don't know if that's the way to go because childcare is so expensive. I would basically be working for childcare. My husband is currently studying like crazy for his insurance license and is hoping to make a go on his own in a new industry. I just fear the unknown. And I know I am not the only one. What about all these people who have worked for us for so long . . . They have families to support too.

I feel your pain, sister. I'm not sure what else to say . . .

[Grace]

Oh no! I'm so sad that you're going through this. {{{Hugs}}}

[Mandee]

Gah, Amanda, I'm so sorry. The legal market is just the pits right now. I'm really ready on a personal level to make a move right now, but I know good and well it would be professional suicide. I'm lucky to have a job with real work to do, and I know it.

I know that something will pan out for one of you soon. With that attitude--it has to.

[Katharine]

I am so sorry.
This made my stomach sink.
I hope this is a short adventure that lands in a good place.
You'll be fine, as you already know.
And your kids are cute as hell, which you also already know.

[bethany actually]

I knew some of this, but hearing all the details...oy. What a mess. I'm so sorry you guys are going through this. My cousin, who has successfully and profitably run his own contracting company for over a decade, is probably going to lose his business this year because of clients who suddenly can't afford to pay their bills. It's a mess for everyone.

You will work something out. You will.

[Laylabean]

Oh man! I'm so sorry. We're going through similar stuff and I know how much it totally sucks. My thoughts are with you. *hugs*

[arfanbashir]

Solve the ANNUITY LEAD Problem FOREVER. I will show you PRECISELY How to Get More Annuity Leads Than You can Possibly Handle!
http://twurl.nl/0mgfiu

[Laura]

Oh, Amanda, I don't even know what to say. Keep your chin up? Things can only get better from here? It all sounds so trite.... just know that the internet is here for you, and that we're all pulling for you. I wish you nothing but the best, and my heart is breaking for you. Thank you for sharing this with us.