The Fool-Proof Friend Making Strategy, Take two

I'm reposting an old classic today for two reasons: A) Maybe you haven't already read it (and that makes it NEW content!) and B) I spent most of this year NOT FOLLOWING MY OWN ADVICE, which was a really stupid way to lose one of my best friends. I wanted to post this again as a reminder to myself about how lame it is to ever try to be something I'm not.

The Fool-Proof Friend-Making Strategy

I should probably back up for a minute and admit that I used to ROYALLY SUCK at making friends.  I have literally ZERO friends from college and only a handful of friends from high school.  In my twenties, before having Alex at 27, I had made NO friends.  As in none.  NADA.  Not a one. 

And it was totally my fault. 

Sure, it was harder back then because I didn't have kids to help me break the ice, but I had a dog!  And (potentially) hobbies!  And a job!  But the truth is that I was miserably unhappy for most of my twenties and I wasn't in a very good place.  I couldn't BE the friend I needed others to be for me, so my friendships were always short-lived and completely unfulfilling. 

So that's where I'll start my Fool-Proof Friend-Making Strategy:

1.  BE THE FRIEND YOU WANT TO HAVE. 
I love SchnozzFest's line from that post (if you haven't read THAT POST, go read it now.  It's long.  I'll wait.) in which she says:

"Life is only like high school if you act like you are in high school."

NO KIDDING.  I never do ANY OF THAT CRAP.  If someone doesn't call me back, I assume THEY ARE BUSY.  I don't take it personally.  It doesn't hurt my itty bitty feelings and I don't let my brain start festering the idea that so and so must hate me or I must have pissed her off somehow.  Because I didn't.  I wouldn't.

Basically, if you want to have friends, you have to GET OVER YOURSELF and realize that being rejected, while incredibly rare, is NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.  In fact, it's not even about you.  It's about THEM.  (The same thing goes for blog troll comments.)  Be confident in the fact that you are a good person, natch, YOU ARE FABULOUS.  Anyone would be LUCKY to have you as a friend! 

If you start to go down that path wherein you PRE-REJECT a potential friend because she might reject you?  STOP YOURSELF.  You're not in High School anymore.  What Schnozz is saying is that if you have a hard time making friends, it's because you're probably making it too hard for others to be friends with you.

This point also refers back to my ONE CRITERIA for potential friends:  Take me as I am.  See?  It goes both ways!  I take my friends for face value.  And why wouldn't I?  They're FABULOUS.

2.  START THE CONVERSATION.
So now that you've worked out your end of the deal and you're, you know, an ADULT and all, say you're at the mall and you spot some cute mom with an adorable purse and chipped toenail polish and you have to figure out how to approach her.  Here's what works for me every. single. time:

"How old is your son (or daughter)?"

The best thing about this question is that even if they give you a one-word answer, you have some room to start a conversation.  You might say, "Four?  Really, I would've thought he was older than that! "  or "God, TWO?  Do you want a swig from this flask I keep in my purse?"  From there I often start a discussion about age differences between kids and/or how many kids you want to have.  I often throw in a story about how hard it was to be pregnant while chasing a two-year-old, a story that includes the prolific mentioning of hemorrhoids.  A little grossness always helps break the ice!  It is rare that I ever experience a conversation lull with a fellow parent because there's so much fodder there, but if it gets quiet, I just ask where she gave birth and whether or not she'd recommend her Gynecologist to me.

If you DON'T have kids, you just need to make sure you ask QUALITATIVE questions.

"How do like living here?"

"What's your major?"

"Is that a tattoo of a monkey throwing poo?"

Start ANYWHERE, the point is to keep the conversation going and see if you have any chemistry with this person.

If you aren't finding potential people to approach in the first place, then you probably just need to get out more.  And I don't mean at the coffee shop or the book store or the bar, where you aren't likely to have enough in common with a random stranger!  Take an interest-specific class, join a club, offer to write the newsletter for your neighborhood HOA.  There's a million places to make friends if you have interesting enough interests.

3. CARRY A PEN AND PAPER WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES. 

I can always tell within a few minutes of first meeting someone if they are a member of Club Awesome or not.  Usually, it's either that they will laugh at my stupid jokes or say something that makes me laugh.  If I feel like I'm clicking with someone new, I whip out my pen and paper, write down my name, phone number and my e-mail address and hand it over to the person, usually saying something like, "It might fun to meet up at the park for a play date."

As for mommy calling cards, I'm lukewarm on them.  A lovely reader actually made me some with my name, web address and phone number on them.  They were super cute and said, "Mom of Alex & Genoa," and I really like them, but I rarely use them mostly because I feel like they come across as an advertisement for my blog, which is potentially off-putting particularly to someone who doesn't blog or know what blogs are about. 

By pulling out the pad of paper, nine times out of ten the person I'm offering my contact info to will take the pen and give me HER contact info, which is what I really want.  If I hand someone a card, chances are that no matter how awesome they are or how much we clicked, they won't have the cojones to contact me.

AND THAT'S OKAY.

The other thing I always do is to write my blog address down under my contact info.  Not only is my blog a HUGE part of my existence, but I figure if someone can stomach what I write here, they're totally and completely friend-worthy.

4.  SEND AN E-MAIL.

This is why I'm so interested in getting the contact info from potential friends: I like to use e-mail.  It's my favorite form of not-in-person communication.  After meeting someone new, I usually send them an e-mail saying how fun it was to meet them, in which I reference something we talked about  and then casually suggest another IN PUBLIC meeting.

If all I've got is a phone number, I put on my big girl panties and USE IT.  I call them up and say hi.  I always like to call with a purpose, rather than just to chat (I'm not much of a phone person), so my calls will most likely be along the lines of  "Hi this is Amanda, Alex and Genoa's mom.  We met at the park remember?  Are you interested in going to the zoo next week?"

I like e-mail better because it doesn't put people on the spot and it gives them time to put their best foot forward with a response.  Also there is nothing more impossible than having a phone conversation when you have two children under the age of five.  NOTHING.

5.  ASK A LOT OF QUESTIONS
When I meet up with someone for the second time, I ask as many questions as I possibly can.  Talking a lot comes naturally to me (Ha!), but when I want to get to know someone, I try to shut my pie-hole at least half the time and asking them their life story question by question is the easiest way to accomplish that. 

Have you always lived here? 
How did you pick that neighborhood? 
Do you have family nearby? 
How long have you been married? 
Where did you go to school?
What does your husband do for a living?
Do you plan to go back to work some day?
What church do you go to?  (And how did you pick it?)

I could go on and on, but it's easy.  What I'm looking for is common ground (and admittedly, LACK OF DRAMA).  The more questions you ask, the sooner you'll know if this is a match made in heaven or hell.

6.  BECOME THE INVITER
The death knell to every potential friendship of my twenties was that I would call or e-mail a friend and then I'd never hear back.  Or I'd invite someone some place and assume it was their turn to invite me next. 

THAT WAS TOTALLY STUPID.

Now I invite people to do things or go places or come over and eat food and then I INVITE THEM AGAIN.  You'll never catch me wasting a second of my life waiting for the phone to ring.  If I want to see my friends, I make it happen.  And here's the important part: I'm pretty sure this makes it EASIER to be my friend.  If you don't return my phone call, I'm going to CALL YOU AGAIN.  And I'm probably going to keep calling you until you change your number.

Admittedly, part of this issue is that I'm an Obsessive-Compulsive Inviter.  I come by my love of entertaining genetically (see exhibit A: My Mother).  Basically what it boils down to is a fundamental need to fill peoples' bellies.  I like to host parties, feed people and give them booze.  I honestly ENJOY that stuff and feel like it's my true vocation in life.  But if you don't feel that way?  DON'T FEAR!  There are plenty of things you can do to see your friends that don't involve cleaning your kitchen floor or mincing garlic.  Take some beer to the park or find a cheap pizza place that your friends all love.  But INVITE THEM.  It makes all the difference.

And that's my Friend Making Manifesto.  I can't emphasize enough how much the new friends I've made here in Vancouver have enriched my life. 

So how did you meet your best friend?  Am I leaving anything out?  Feel free to share.

I should probably back up for a minute and admit that I used to ROYALLY SUCK at making friends.  I have literally ZERO friends from college and only a handful of friends from high school.  In my twenties, before having Alex at 27, I had made NO friends.  As in none.  NADA.  Not a one. 

And it was totally my fault. 

Sure, it was harder back then because I didn't have kids to help me break the ice, but I had a dog!  And (potentially) hobbies!  And a job!  But the truth is that I was miserably unhappy for most of my twenties and I wasn't in a very good place.  I couldn't BE the friend I needed others to be for me, so my friendships were always short-lived and completely unfulfilling. 

So that's where I'll start my Fool-Proof Friend-Making Strategy:

1.  BE THE FRIEND YOU WANT TO HAVE. 
I love SchnozzFest's line from that post (if you haven't read THAT POST, go read it now.  It's long.  I'll wait.) in which she says:

"Life is only like high school if you act like you are in high school."

NO KIDDING.  I never do ANY OF THAT CRAP.  If someone doesn't call me back, I assume THEY ARE BUSY.  I don't take it personally.  It doesn't hurt my itty bitty feelings and I don't let my brain start festering the idea that so and so must hate me or I must have pissed her off somehow.  Because I didn't.  I wouldn't.

Basically, if you want to have friends, you have to GET OVER YOURSELF and realize that being rejected, while incredibly rare, is NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.  In fact, it's not even about you.  It's about THEM.  (The same thing goes for blog troll comments.)  Be confident in the fact that you are a good person, natch, YOU ARE FABULOUS.  Anyone would be LUCKY to have you as a friend! 

If you start to go down that path wherein you PRE-REJECT a potential friend because she might reject you?  STOP YOURSELF.  You're not in High School anymore.  What Schnozz is saying is that if you have a hard time making friends, it's because you're probably making it too hard for others to be friends with you.

This point also refers back to my ONE CRITERIA for potential friends:  Take me as I am.  See?  It goes both ways!  I take my friends for face value.  And why wouldn't I?  They're FABULOUS.

2.  START THE CONVERSATION.
So now that you've worked out your end of the deal and you're, you know, an ADULT and all, say you're at the mall and you spot some cute mom with an adorable purse and chipped toenail polish and you have to figure out how to approach her.  Here's what works for me every. single. time:

"How old is your son (or daughter)?"

The best thing about this question is that even if they give you a one-word answer, you have some room to start a conversation.  You might say, "Four?  Really, I would've thought he was older than that! "  or "God, TWO?  Do you want a swig from this flask I keep in my purse?"  From there I often start a discussion about age differences between kids and/or how many kids you want to have.  I often throw in a story about how hard it was to be pregnant while chasing a two-year-old, a story that includes the prolific mentioning of hemorrhoids.  A little grossness always helps break the ice!  It is rare that I ever experience a conversation lull with a fellow parent because there's so much fodder there, but if it gets quiet, I just ask where she gave birth and whether or not she'd recommend her Gynecologist to me.

If you DON'T have kids, you just need to make sure you ask QUALITATIVE questions.

"How do like living here?"

"What's your major?"

"Is that a tattoo of a monkey throwing poo?"

Start ANYWHERE, the point is to keep the conversation going and see if you have any chemistry with this person.

If you aren't finding potential people to approach in the first place, then you probably just need to get out more.  And I don't mean at the coffee shop or the book store or the bar, where you aren't likely to have enough in common with a random stranger!  Take an interest-specific class, join a club, offer to write the newsletter for your neighborhood HOA.  There's a million places to make friends if you have interesting enough interests.

3. CARRY A PEN AND PAPER WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES. 

I can always tell within a few minutes of first meeting someone if they are a member of Club Awesome or not.  Usually, it's either that they will laugh at my stupid jokes or say something that makes me laugh.  If I feel like I'm clicking with someone new, I whip out my pen and paper, write down my name, phone number and my e-mail address and hand it over to the person, usually saying something like, "It might fun to meet up at the park for a play date."

As for mommy calling cards, I'm lukewarm on them.  A lovely reader actually made me some with my name, web address and phone number on them.  They were super cute and said, "Mom of Alex & Genoa," and I really like them, but I rarely use them mostly because I feel like they come across as an advertisement for my blog, which is potentially off-putting particularly to someone who doesn't blog or know what blogs are about. 

By pulling out the pad of paper, nine times out of ten the person I'm offering my contact info to will take the pen and give me HER contact info, which is what I really want.  If I hand someone a card, chances are that no matter how awesome they are or how much we clicked, they won't have the cojones to contact me.

AND THAT'S OKAY.

The other thing I always do is to write my blog address down under my contact info.  Not only is my blog a HUGE part of my existence, but I figure if someone can stomach what I write here, they're totally and completely friend-worthy.

4.  SEND AN E-MAIL.

This is why I'm so interested in getting the contact info from potential friends: I like to use e-mail.  It's my favorite form of not-in-person communication.  After meeting someone new, I usually send them an e-mail saying how fun it was to meet them, in which I reference something we talked about  and then casually suggest another IN PUBLIC meeting.

If all I've got is a phone number, I put on my big girl panties and USE IT.  I call them up and say hi.  I always like to call with a purpose, rather than just to chat (I'm not much of a phone person), so my calls will most likely be along the lines of  "Hi this is Amanda, Alex and Genoa's mom.  We met at the park remember?  Are you interested in going to the zoo next week?"

I like e-mail better because it doesn't put people on the spot and it gives them time to put their best foot forward with a response.  Also there is nothing more impossible than having a phone conversation when you have two children under the age of five.  NOTHING.

5.  ASK A LOT OF QUESTIONS
When I meet up with someone for the second time, I ask as many questions as I possibly can.  Talking a lot comes naturally to me (Ha!), but when I want to get to know someone, I try to shut my pie-hole at least half the time and asking them their life story question by question is the easiest way to accomplish that. 

Have you always lived here? 
How did you pick that neighborhood? 
Do you have family nearby? 
How long have you been married? 
Where did you go to school?
What does your husband do for a living?
Do you plan to go back to work some day?
What church do you go to?  (And how did you pick it?)

I could go on and on, but it's easy.  What I'm looking for is common ground (and admittedly, LACK OF DRAMA).  The more questions you ask, the sooner you'll know if this is a match made in heaven or hell.

6.  BECOME THE INVITER
The death knell to every potential friendship of my twenties was that I would call or e-mail a friend and then I'd never hear back.  Or I'd invite someone some place and assume it was their turn to invite me next. 

THAT WAS TOTALLY STUPID.

Now I invite people to do things or go places or come over and eat food and then I INVITE THEM AGAIN.  You'll never catch me wasting a second of my life waiting for the phone to ring.  If I want to see my friends, I make it happen.  And here's the important part: I'm pretty sure this makes it EASIER to be my friend.  If you don't return my phone call, I'm going to CALL YOU AGAIN.  And I'm probably going to keep calling you until you change your number.

Admittedly, part of this issue is that I'm an Obsessive-Compulsive Inviter.  I come by my love of entertaining genetically (see exhibit A: My Mother).  Basically what it boils down to is a fundamental need to fill peoples' bellies.  I like to host parties, feed people and give them booze.  I honestly ENJOY that stuff and feel like it's my true vocation in life.  But if you don't feel that way?  DON'T FEAR!  There are plenty of things you can do to see your friends that don't involve cleaning your kitchen floor or mincing garlic.  Take some beer to the park or find a cheap pizza place that your friends all love.  But INVITE THEM.  It makes all the difference.

And that's my Friend Making Manifesto.  I can't emphasize enough how much the new friends I've made here in Vancouver have enriched my life. 

So how did you meet your best friend?  Am I leaving anything out?  Feel free to share.

Comments

[bethany actually]

I knew there was a reason I liked you. I didn't even play the high-school games in high school, which confused my high-school boyfriend to no end (I ditched him during my freshman year of college). I don't take anything personally unless someone is saying to me, "Bethany, THIS IS ABOUT YOU." And even then, I take it with a grain of salt!

I am an introvert with extraverted tendencies. What that means is I will turn down about two out of three invitations to leave my house and do something if I don't know the person doing the asking very well. But if you keep asking, chances are good that I'll say yes. So I love, love, love it when people are good enough to ask me again and again, even if I say no. Because it's not that I don't like YOU, it's just that I like staying home more than I like you...at this point. That could change!

I met one of my closest friends, Rebekah, when I first moved to her small town. We met at church, my daughter was the same age as one of her daughters, and she kept inviting me to things--lunch, the park, playgroups, Bible studies. I didn't say yes to her very much at first, but each time I had to say no I told her, "Call and ask me again, please!" And she listened to me, and eventually we were in a Bible study together and a SUPER-AWESOME playgroup together, and now I'm godmother to her son and we're friends for life, because she took me at my word and didn't take my no's personally.

I do #5 all the time when I meet someone new that I really like. My theory is, if I get them to talk about themselves then they will like me, because most people like to talk about themselves! Plus, I truly am interested, and then the next time I see them I know more about them and can ask more pertinent questions. Or, if they have a hard time answering questions or give weird answers, I know to slowly back away and find someone else to befriend early on in the game.

Oh--did you not want me to write a book in your comments? Sorry. See, you asked me about myself! I love to talk about myself! ;-)

[Stefania]

LOVE. THIS. My husband always teases me that I will meet anyone for coffee (tea). It's true. I am a collector of people and that's how I like it.

Tweeting this now.

[Angela]

Thanks. This was very timely for me as I am moving to a new house and trying to start things fresh. I am inspired now to become an inviter! I, like you, kind of screwed up the friend thing in my twenties and really need some friends in my life now.

[Laylabean]

Stellar! I have a hard time making friends (my fault) but you've inspired me to do better. And since we're moving soon and I'm starting over in a new neighborhood, this is exactly what I need to hear. Thanks.

[Cass]

Definitely favoriting this in my Google Reader. Lately I've been neglecting my friends that I've known forever and haven't figured out how to get back into it all. Sad, but true.

[LizP]

Awesome post! My favourite part is "If someone doesn't call me back, I assume THEY ARE BUSY." Or in my case I am just lame. Or I forget. I love it when people don't hold that against me.

If you lived in the southern Willamette Valley I would totally want to be your friend!

[jessica]

today i invited a mom i've had a "girl-crush" on for months over for a playdate. she happily and eagerly accepted. Our girls are getting together for lunch and playtime tomorrow. thank you for inspiring me to get the eff over myself, and come out of my self-made shell. finally.

[Rhi]

You are TOTALLY in Club Awesome.

[laura]

Love this post! I'm getting so-so at this friend thing, so much easier having my kiddos but gosh damn why can't we find a couple kinda like us to hang out with. If you have any tips for that please pass them along :)

[SAJ]

I want you to be my neighbor!!! Not like Mr. Rogers but how fun must it be to come to your parties?!! Can't you move down here? I could really use some food in my belly and alcohol in my brain...

[Rebecca]

Wow, what a timely post. I have been a bit of a loner, avoiding social situations at university and now staff parties. My hubby and I have been together for 18 years, half of my 36 years of being alive. We are each others best friends and don't have a lot of patience for stupid people so we haven't branched out much beyond our busy family life.

I do think it is time for me to become more connected to other people. Thank you for the kick in the pants. I am going to look at my calendar an email friends days that would work for a dinner party.

Betty